I have had an awakening two years ago, but I struggle and suffer.

[Nadosa]

I guess I am. But my mind is searching for a ground, so I am looking for a identity again, I am switching between believing those thoughts because it feels like there is no ground otherwise. No base. No identity. I am fearing that I am maybe delusional?? Psychotic because I have strange thoughts I cant stop believing?

The thing is I cant convince my mind that I am aware of this moment, of thoughts! I I try to tell myself "be the awareness" but it leads to more trouble

Edited March 26, 2019 by Nadosa

[Forestluv]

@Nadosa Breathe. It can help ground. 

[Nadosa]

Since this strange awakening or like insight it is very difficult to convince, to tell me that "I" am here being aware, every questioning of course leads to the answer "no, it does not make sense because a part of you isnt there anymore".

Thanks @Nahm

Edited March 26, 2019 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

2 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

Since this strange awakening or like insight it is very difficult to convince, to tell me that "I" am here being aware, every questioning of course leads to the answer "no, it does not make sense because a part of you isnt there anymore".

Thanks @Nahm

But you are aware. And you’re fine. 

[Nadosa]

How do I know? How do I know this experience is made by me, that this is real?

Edited March 26, 2019 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

@Nadosa Slow down man. Stomach breathe. Relax. Everything is fine, you are fine. 

You won’t know like you know math, or facts, or knowledge - so stop thinking about it / trying to figure something out.  You know because it is self evident.   You are aware of thoughts.   This is obvious, as you are sharing them on a forum.    You might not feel you have a handle on them at the moment, but surely you can see the obvious fact that you are aware of thoughts, yes?

[Nahm]

Are you aware of the room you’re in?

The air you’re breathing (with your stomach)?

Of the sounds you’re hearing amoungst the room?

Aware of some stuff you are seeing in the room?

Are you aware of all this?

[Nadosa]

Yes. But the thoughts give me so crazy feelings, they are too crazy, too unreal, too existentially shattering to not be "important". They make me feel like it does not make sense that I am aware of the Now because there is no "I", does anyone understand what I mean?

Everytime these thoughts go through me, my body is wincing, single body parts are filled with resistance which causes that.

Thoughts and awareness are somehow equally "real" to me.

Edited March 26, 2019 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

21 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

Yes. But the thoughts give me so crazy feelings, they are too crazy, too unreal, too existentially shattering to not be "important". They make me feel like it does not make sense that I am aware of the Now because there is no "I", does anyone understand what I mean?

Thoughts and awareness are somehow equally "real" to me.

This is from a habit of negative self talk. And there is nothing you need to understand. Stop insisting there is, or pull it together and do some research, or write down how you’re feeling, so you can see it and make sense of it. That’s the easy & efficient way. Don’t be stubborn. Unstick and go write down how you’re feeling. 

 

Thoughts have no power at all.   It only seems like the thoughts are the trouble.   The actual trouble is misunderstanding the sensation you call “anxiety”. 

What’s actually going on is the nothingness you keep blaming is loving the shit out of you.    Your thought about nothingness is not actual nothingness. Actual nothingness is Love.  It is You. 

But you insist on ignoring the sensation, and thinking. Making the sensation out to be the bad guy, the cause of your troubles. It just isn’t. This is what Freud called “Smarty Pants Insistence”.   He discovered the cure for this is to repeat “I don’t know” a few times, or until you feel the relief. 

That heart you mentioned, which is beating inexplicably, “freaking you out” - that’s big love beating that heart. The higher self.  You’re up in your head, thinking. You’re supposed to meet big love in the middle, at the heart. You do this by taking that unconscious breathing (big love is doing right now too)...and meeting there - conscious breathing, from your stomach, deep and slow. Let the focus, the attention, of awareness sink down, from the thinking, to the heart...by breathing slowly and deeply from your stomach. I can guarantee you big love is already there waiting for you. Just relax and meet at the heart. Let it be that simple. 

 

Whatever you mean or are worried about with regards to “real”, no matter which thoughts arise -  it will be the same. Look around you and notice the thoughts aren’t actually doing anything. You’re fine. Everything in the room is fine. Regardless of what you think.   If you let it be humbling enough, that might even strike you as funny soon. 

 

[Nahm]

@Nadosa

You want something.  You messed up and convinced yourself you need it to be happy. 

What is it that you’d be happy if you had it? 

Write about that on some paper.

[Mu_]

Your going through some big time ego backlash by the sound of it.  It really can be scary and ununderstandble since you have no context for the shift that your going through.  I think I can help.  You have the ability to chat or vid chat?  Let me know, I"m open to helping you (for free if your wondering).

[purerogue]

Going back to mind games will be struggle and suffering, my guess you are somewhere in the middle of ego and non-dual state, or just no-dual state, anyway all the same, as you are still effected by thoughts. 

As Nahm said , thoughts do not have power if you do not cling to them.

 

[Jkris]

@David Hammond what do you mean by thoughts and he and grasping is empty no thing?, ?

[Jkris]

@David Hammond ???

[Nahm]

@Nadosa https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ffbPgkibDpU

 

[Nadosa]

Uff. Yes that first approach is really matching my current experiences. "I" mixed with feelings and thoughts vs pure awareness, second feels "realer" whereas the first has this seductive urge to follow.

[Nadosa]

So I went out of my comfort zone and travelled to another city. Spontaneously. I was overwhelemed. My mind was going crazy, I felt like I was going to melt down in each and every second. It was horrible. I had a chat with a life coach there. It was nice. But still, it was pretty traumatic to resist the urge of following feelings and thoughts. I feel like I have way too crazy thoughts. Pls tell me I am normal. 

[purerogue]

16 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

So I went out of my comfort zone and travelled to another city. Spontaneously. I was overwhelemed. My mind was going crazy, I felt like I was going to melt down in each and every second. It was horrible. I had a chat with a life coach there. It was nice. But still, it was pretty traumatic to resist the urge of following feelings and thoughts. I feel like I have way too crazy thoughts. Pls tell me I am normal. 

You are normal! 

[Nadosa]

I dont know if this is normal during awakening, but I feel like every concept of things I used to have stories about are just that, stories. I feel for example "weirdly foreign" to cities, my home town, it is just that: a town. And that is frightening because I cant connect to it anymore really because I know it is just that.

[Nadosa]

It is like "thinking" was the only security Ive ever had.