I have had an awakening two years ago, but I struggle and suffer.

[purerogue]

8 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

It is like "thinking" was the only security Ive ever had.

Stop taking awakening serious and stop building concepts around it from what you read here,  stop looking for how you should behave, or feel, you do not have to give it away , or change it, you do not have to change anything , probably makes no sense now, but you do not have to give away your sanity.

[Mu_]

Nadosa, it really sounds like your have a very hard time with the shift of consciousness that is happening, so much so that your in constant panic and your mind is racing to protect itself and find the cause of this new source of confusion and suffering.  Again I'm willing to try and help you, just let me know.  (Im not sure if you saw my previous message here  in this post.

[Nadosa]

Yes. Just any help appreciated.

[Markus]

@Nadosa I can't know for sure what your situation is. Are you stably in a non-dual state (feeling like you're nothing) or are you going in and out of it? Either way suffering is totally possible and normal and it sucks. Mental turmoil is just part of the path. Sounds to me like you're experiencing apathy and frustration. I recommend putting in some effort to create structure in your life. Continuing a spiritual practice and doing the usual life things. If you're having serious trouble functioning and it doesn't resolve nor seem to be a path-related thing, maybe it's something clinical you can get help for.