I have had an awakening two years ago, but I struggle and suffer.

[Nadosa]

Something happened and switched inside me. I cant pinpoint who I am anymore. I am being very serious now. I am sitting in the train and I am just feeling like I discovered that I am nothing but a thought that comes and goes....and then the spiral is starting...when I am dying and reborn etc pp. WHO THE HELL IS EXPERIENCING THIS NOW? 

And then a feeling of death and wanting to die arises. That IT JUST DOESNT MAKE SENSE that something is here experincing this. Everytime this story comes up I feel like I am close to panic breakdown. 

In general I do love life....without suffering and thought it would be great. But now I just feel like I already died, nothing matters and I have no choice than keep experiencing all this, not as a person but as a being. And there is no return.

I am tired, like seriously, going outside, having all these human experiences is so energy taking, my energy is so sucked up in the mental turmoil, I am sooooo lazy and tired. 

Can anyone help me?

[Shin]

1 minute ago, Nadosa said:

 

In general I do love life....without suffering and thought it would be great. But now I just feel like I already died, nothing matters and I have no choice than keep experiencing all this, not as a person but as a being. And there is no return.

I am tired, like seriously, going outside, having all these human experiences is so energy taking, my energy is so sucked up in the mental turmoil, I am sooooo lazy and tired. 

Can anyone help me?

 

[Nadosa]

Yes I keep referring to this "I", because there is one part in me that doesnt want to let go.

[Shin]

16 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

Yes I keep referring to this "I", because there is one part in me that doesnt want to let go.

It's the part itself that doesn't want to let itself go, not some part.

[Shin]

1 hour ago, Nadosa said:

Yes I keep referring to this "I", because there is one part in me that doesnt want to let go.

@Nahm

Are you going to answer before someone else that has no clue how to help answer ? ?

[FoxFoxFox]

@Nadosa You say you can't pin point who you are but look again. You obviously have the notion that you are a 'someone' who suffers. You have lost most of your false notions about your nature, but the process is incomplete. So ask yourself, who is it is that is suffering. Who is it that can't take all this anymore? Who is it that is tired? Try and find the answer. Once you find the answer, you will be immersed in the Self, and there is no mind to cause you any suffering. 

Edited March 22, 2019 by FoxFoxFox

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, Nadosa said:

I am just feeling like I discovered that I am nothing but a thought that comes and goes

Mind the practices, they are sound & reliable. With only a moment of self inquiry there is peace...In asking, who is aware of this thought?  

Ask...Is this thought arising outside of awareness?       No, clearly this thought arises within awareness.    So you can not be the thought.

 

Clearly you could never be a thought which comes and goes, as you are always the constant unchanging untarnishable, impenetrable, perfect, ever loving awareness - aware of the thoughts which come and go. 

No thing (thoughts are just ‘things’) which comes and goes can be your true nature.  You are always what’s aware of what comes & gos.

It is because you are perfect just as you are right now - that thoughts will appear as imperfect. 
Thoughts are not to be believed.

You are the truth; aware of all thoughts. You are the truth; so no thought could be true.

 

Believing thoughts is “attachment”. 

Attachment, is suffering. 

 

How do I stop believing my thoughts? How do I stop attaching?

....these questions have no answer to be found in more thinking. 

So what is needed is to leave thinking, to let it be. 

All that is needed, all that is ever needed, is love. 

 

But when I self inquire there is fear, anxiety, there is pain, hurt.

Write your feelings down on a piece of paper, express how you feel about whatever arises, let it out onto the paper. Let it out.

Then your mind can see it, and begin to understand the feelings and sensations. 

Nothing which is understood is a problem. 

Thinking gives 10,000 reasons not to do this. 

Thinking is not to be believed. 

The feelings & sensations, like the thoughts, come & go within awareness. Clearly, you are aware of them. Clearly, you are the awareness of these. 

 

How can I know I am the truth, as you say?

Woman looks in the mirror and thinks, “I wish I was thinner”. 

Why does this thought feel bad?

She is the truth. The truth can only ever be the truth. 

When the woman thinks I wish I was thinner, she is mistakenly identifying with the body. She is the truth, the truth can not join her when she implies she is the body. She mistakenly believes the sensation is a ‘bad’ feeling. But the ‘bad’ feeling is a message, the message is, “no sweetie, when you identify with the body, I can not go there with you. Because it’s not true. You are perfect, right now, exactly how you are. And you can do whatever you want with this body.”

You’re already perfect Nadosa. 

[Nadosa]

I just want to add, everytime I ask myself who is "I", then I feel like it is the one that is aware, I cant distinguish "me" and awareness, as I feel like awareness is the ego and not something untouched.

[Dumb Enlightened]

2 hours ago, Nadosa said:

Something happened and switched inside me. I cant pinpoint who I am anymore. I am being very serious now. I am sitting in the train and I am just feeling like I discovered that I am nothing but a thought that comes and goes....and then the spiral is starting...when I am dying and reborn etc pp. WHO THE HELL IS EXPERIENCING THIS NOW? 

And then a feeling of death and wanting to die arises. That IT JUST DOESNT MAKE SENSE that something is here experincing this. Everytime this story comes up I feel like I am close to panic breakdown. 

In general I do love life....without suffering and thought it would be great. But now I just feel like I already died, nothing matters and I have no choice than keep experiencing all this, not as a person but as a being. And there is no return.

I am tired, like seriously, going outside, having all these human experiences is so energy taking, my energy is so sucked up in the mental turmoil, I am sooooo lazy and tired. 

Can anyone help me?

but is not you who is having the human experiences, they are happening within the real you,

If the distinction between being and ego was clear, you would feel peace despite what the human was experiencing,

I think that your identification with the ego/mind isn't gone yet, and it's afraid to let go, so that's why you are close to a panic breakdown, the false identity is afraid to dissolve for good.

[FoxFoxFox]

9 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

I just want to add, everytime I ask myself who is "I", then I feel like it is the one that is aware, I cant distinguish "me" and awareness, as I feel like awareness is the ego and not something untouched.

Well there you go, that is ego identification right there. You got to question your basic assumptions about yourself more. You already say that you feel the ego is awareness. That means you are able to objectify the ego. Then who is the subject? Who is the real you? Awareness comes first, then the ego - which really is a complex of thoughts. So inquire into the ego and see if it is real. 

[ajasatya]

@Nadosa exercise the body

[tsuki]

3 hours ago, Nadosa said:

I am being very serious now. I am sitting in the train and I am just feeling like I discovered that I am nothing but a thought that comes and goes....and then the spiral is starting...when I am dying and reborn etc pp. WHO THE HELL IS EXPERIENCING THIS NOW? 

@Nadosa You seem to have had a huge dis-identification, but you are on the edge of whether you should identify with the mind or not. 
Look around you, none of that is you. The space in which thoughts arise is not different from the space in which you see.
As you are reading this text, there is a voice that spells what I wrote. The sight of the text is not different from the voice. You are thinking right here, on the screen.

You are not a thought and thoughts don't seem to like that. There is an emotional turmoil. It will settle down with time.
You can start believing thoughts again, or resist this urge. Either way is fine. Let it go and breathe.

Edited March 22, 2019 by tsuki

[mandyjw]

It's a huge shock to your system to find out that this work doesn't make you happy. You realize at some point that you may have gone into it looking for the truth or for noble reasons but deep down you also wanted it to make you happy because otherwise the state you find yourself in now would not bother you.

You just need to change your focus. You love life so focus on life and what you love. You can choose the thoughts you have. If you have thoughts you might as well make them happy ones. 

More pedestrian level advice can be a huge help. The kind of stuff we may egoically think we are above now that we've had a taste of truth. Self care. Go do something you love doing, no matter how little. Exercise. Go for a walk in nature. 

 

[NoSelfSelf]

Still you have not yet went deep enough beyond stories and suffering...but you are close...

[Nadosa]

Now the thing that freaks me out is the relation to my body. Thoughts like "how is this body you, and why is this heart pounding, is this heart you?! Does it belong to you??"..but how, you "dont exist", so what is this??

...and then this terrible, unexplainable anxiety is kicking in. It is driving me crazy at the moment.

Everything tied to my identity is freaking me out more and more the more time passes since my awakening.

I fear that I will eventually surrender and start believing my thoughts.

Edited March 26, 2019 by Nadosa

[Forestluv]

This sounds like detachment/disidentifaction with the psychological self. It can be very uncomfortable and anxiety inducing to the mind-body. It is entering a deeper level that is unstable at first. 

I’ve been through this anxiety/panic and at times it was overwhelming. Breath, let go and observe. Get curious about the experience. There is nothing in the deeper transpersonal realm that wants to harm you or others. You are not going insane. You are just seeing glimpses of the truth: the whole story of you is just a story. There is deep liberation in that. It allows one to experience life in a deeply profound way. 

 

[Nahm]

@Nadosa Simply speaking, are you aware of the body or not? If you are not aware of a body, maybe you are the body. If you are aware of the body, then you must be the awareness, so relax.

[Nadosa]

The urge to figure out who experiences this, following it and getting a feeling of unexplainable nothingness is making me sick. Like seriously. Yes I can let it go, but still I KNOW, it can always come back again and will make life bad no matter how good I feel without this feeling, it will always feel "worse" than awakening feeling "good". Shouldn't awakening kind of be "logical", making me automatically satisfied? No it is just leaving me brainless, selfless, wanting to jump out of the window more than ever. I would prefer everything than feeling and thinking like I am doing right now. No, like I have felt the last 1,5 years, there is no "I" experiencing, creating a self, recapitulating those years just DOES NOT make sense in my head. There is no past me, no future me, not even a present me. I am overwhelmed, thrown into this world, into this moment, feeling like I am zooming out, going out of this body any moment soon, dissociating, seeing my hands typing this, reidentifying with them, being me again, thoughts come making me seperated again.....I am overwhelmed.

[Nadosa]

5 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Nadosa Simply speaking, are you aware of the body or not? If you are not aware of a body, maybe you are the body. If you are aware of the body, then you must be the awareness, so relax.

Just reading these words, trying to "understand" them with logic...trying to convince my mind to be the awarenwess is poison at the moment. It counteracts it with "you are not the awareness". And then I start questioning "yes how do I know I am it" and again anxiety.

It is delusional. I am somehow more delusional in some way than before my awakening.

Edited March 26, 2019 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

@Nadosa You are aware of the thoughts?