What is Truth?

[BKH]

I've been a follower of self-actualization work since 2016. So why haven't I made a journal sooner?

Only during the last year have I began to understand how little one can do unless in the right forum. One can be Buddha in the forest, but one won't change the world a bit.

I've had an idealistic notion that it is fine just have an ordinary blog where I occasionally write about enlightenment, and people would just understand and dig what I wrote. Well. That hasn't worked at all. It was very unrealistic and naïve to think it would.

So I am writing here to have a place where at least there is a bit more than a slim chance that someone gets it.

Also because I see that my ego desperately wants to avoid it. Have I learned anything, it is that where there is resistance, that's exactly where you have to go.

I'll think I'll begin by just write whatever comes to mind.

To start with, thoughts from today's contemplation:

I can see how there is no me and no actual thing that is me.
Personalities are actually non-existent! Now, to talk about a true self also seems false!

But somehow there is a paradox, since,

there is something that leads and reveals itself. Something I sense I believe in. I can't say it is anything other than existence itself.

Some brutal truths about myself:

For most of my life, I have been wrapped up in a false image of myself in relation to parents and siblings, in their version of who I am.
This has dragged down my potential to realize myself and my ideas. To start a business for developing the computer game I have written the design proposal for, to invest and spend enough money on things I think I should have. To finish the book, article, treatise (see I can't even decide which!) about truth in relation to mathematics and consciousness. To clean up all my ideas and actually implement them to benefit people.

Who I want to be is a kind of combination of a high-tech environmental and animal activist, who also has successful businesses growing.

What I fear is becoming bound up in only one thing, and also being rejected, something huge I'm carrying all the way from childhood which inhibits me from speaking up and speaking out.

Some practical problems at the moment:

Binging. At least it is on vegan food, I do my best to shop the best I can find. Still, it's almost uncontrollable, as soon as I consider pursuing any of my creative ideas. Another version of this is, I want to run away from anything I publish, write etc., to escape 'retaliation'. So I seem to fear commitment like hell right now.

I'm unemployed, with social aid that I apply for every month. This is both good and bad, mostly just depending on what perspective I view it through. Of course, it would be empowering to have income directly related to something I create, but I also think that can limit one's freedom a bit unless one is careful.

[BKH]

Life 'after enlightenment'

Dividing topics based on a pyramid model of reality (I forgot who made it) in an attempt to structure this journal a bit. From bottom to top: Survival - Motivation - Inspiration - Being

Survival and motivation
Very practical: I think I can remedy evening binging on food by just drinking water instead, and not being too dead set on fasting and just enjoy preparing a small thoughtful meal instead. Also, I'd like to get back a bit into yoga.

Lately, I've been motivated only to do the bare minimum expect for activism. I have a mental block from doing things I did last year October to November/December, when I managed to almost daily create content for my blog, Instagram and YouTube while applying for jobs. It dipped when I wasn't strong enough to find an apartment on my own but instead agreed on renting the one my parents had bought 'for me' (a terrible pretext for getting rid of the inconvenience of having someone both enlightened and vegan around).

I am part of a vegan animal rights activist group since February. Gradually the people I meet there seem to replace the functions and dysfunctions of my family. As soon as the real cause is forgotten I see how ridiculous ego games make things go 'stuck'. Even when the cause is remembered, things are often seen with binary goggles. Then when the actual activism is happening it is really beautiful how reality works as a whole enlightening itself. No matter who people are, everyone is capable of learning the truth and realize that our cultural ego is destroying the planet rapidly in its ignorance.

Inspiration
Somewhere in between lies a zone of extreme levels of creativity and intelligence, but without being anchored in stage orange, it seems senseless to me to produce ideas upon ideas without having the infrastructure of people and skills to realize them in. When I was in this zone, it seemed I could come up with solutions for any problem within a blink of an eye. But, what use are those when you are not connected to society in the right way? For example, what use it is to be able to come up with awesome architectural designs for the future when you are not involved with the architects who city planners choose. Or when ideas perhaps cannot even be constructed yet because our technology is not evolved enough. How do you organize yourself if your brain sprouts in a thousand directions? I wish I could anchor inspiration into more practical things, and then get into a scheduled day-to-day flow.

Being
I spend very little time here lately. The mind has been so full of practical worries, I have almost felt completely insane at times. In the past I kind of enjoyed contemplating death, but lately it has seemed like to close to actually being a true possibility for comfort. Like, society is actually stupid and crazy enough that someone might kill me by sheer stupidity and ignorance. Far from the immortal safety I enjoyed some years ago.

Here are some reflections on my meditation sessions as of late, which are very unstructured. Usually, I just lie as flat as I can in bed, watch thoughts, the breath, do nothing while trying to be as aware of every perception as I can.

It is strange how all relationships are reflections of the same, like endless mirrors within mirrors... Lately, I've been seeing how the play of personalities within the illusion of existence is both very silly, but at the same time really really beautiful.
Keeping several perspectives in mind helps me to not be too bogged down into seriousness. But pretending everything is dead serious has gotten a lot of 'stuff' done, as in making me start to play the society game more efficiently as many others do. This is like 'stage orange'. It is just extremely painful for my ego to align itself with truth in this way after knowing how sweet 'life' is at stages beyond turquoise, in fully detached non-dual mystical awareness, really close to detaching from all physical needs. Also knowing in part that stage orange is in part a 'sham'. So much of society is judged on useless merits, what is the best way to skip them and get to getting shit done?
When meditating I have the sensation of myself having so many layers of thoughts and images these days compared to some years ago, when I got 'traction' almost immediately sitting down for a session. But still, there is even less of a real 'I' when examined closely, and in this sense.

I guess I have 'made progress'. Sometimes wonder if it makes sense to stay within the linear time-line and earth-narrative after having already experienced its breakdown and the possibility of exiting it. I carry the memories of a sense of existence outside of the limited person that is something so extraordinarily beautiful, what has been shown to me in glimpses. Now I feel trying to go there is a temptation for the ego, instead, I would prefer that a larger 'chunk' (for a lack of a better word) of consciousness evolves towards it. I feel that going for mystical experiences on my own as I did in the past is not worth it unless I can bring humanity and even other species along.