More aware during day: more nightmares during sleep

[Evelyn]

It has happened many times by now... Sometimes I have very good days when I meditate a lot and I am very aware and present. When I go to rest at night sometimes my mind switches off and for some seconds I become pure floating, boundless consciousness, amazing but terrifying. As I drift to sleep I begin having sleep paralysis, weird dreams where I bounce between infinite consciousness and terrible vivid nightmares. Two fears come to life: I am sleeping and someone is entering my house trying to rob/hurt me or some otherworldly being like a demon/alien is trying to posses me/hurt me. They are incredibly vivid and the fear is very intense, such that many times I wake up screaming. 

I don't have these fears normally, this only happens if I was meditating a lot during day, it feels like my subconscious opens up to reveal hidden fears. In order to sleep peacefully I have to "numb" myself before bed, thinking of all sorts of things, which is frustrating because if I do that I no longer have the beautiful no-mind, no-self, boundless conscious moments. 

I wonder if anyone experienced something similar or if you have any advice on how to deal with it. Thank you. 

(I have to mention I grew up in an abusive home, and lived constantly in fear and terror of my father. There was a lot of humiliation, psychological and verbal abuse. I was not sexually or physically abused, but I witnessed that towards my mother. I did several years of psychotherapy and inner self work  (around 9 years now) to solve all the issues I had because of my upbringing. I am fine now, I think I got over traumas and eveything, but these fears that surface only in sleep after an intense aware day make me think there is something very deep hidden and I really don't know how to tackle it.) 

[WelcometoReality]

@Evelyn These experiences that we have surpressed come to the surface when we start to awaken. Usually after a while this energy passes.

[Nahm]

@Evelyn Can you forgive yourself for judging? 

[cetus]

@Evelyn  I would suggest seeking the help of a therapist again. Yes meditation can bring all kinds of hidden shit to the surface.

The only way I know to free yourself from this is to forgive. Forgive your father in your heart. That's not saying what we did was right. But you must forgive for your own sake or you will spend the rest of your life with his shadow hanging over you.

[Markus]

@Evelyn I guess it could indeed be connected to what you've gone through, since it seems quite unusual to have regular nightmares of this severity. One possibility would be waiting it out and trying to face them head on, and see if things get easier to manage over time. If it disturbs your life a lot, maybe try to find a fine balance with regard to mindfulness and don't push yourself too hard. Therapy and techniques addressing the subconscious could be useful, though if you can't access the fears you're having in waking life maybe there's no use for that.

I only ever had severe nightmares when I used antidepressants and skipped a day. I'd dream going insane and going to what seemed like hell, really bizarre and frightening stuff. Interestingly the horribleness seemed to make me surrender to it, and I had my first glimpses of no-self after waking up from these.

Edited March 20, 2019 by Markus