Removing ourselves from toxic couples

[Kimosabe2019]

I have been with my partner now for almost 5 years. During the beginning of that relationship we met a couple who shared a lot of interests with us and we clicked. Over the course of the next few years we began to find out odd behaviors of the other couple. We eventually found that their relationship was toxic and unhealthy. The woman had stolen the man from another woman (whom he was married to) and hangs onto him for dear life. He is controlled by this woman. She over coddles her grown children and her life revolves around those children. For example: I was in another city in the hospital and asked my spouse to bring me some stuff to me. She brought our female friend for the ride and the woman knew full well that her husbands uncle was in the same hospital and was dying. She phoned her husband and he asked where she was and she ordered him to go to McDonalds who lives in another town to feed her oldest daughter who has her own vehicle. When he found out that she had gone to the same city he said why didn't you tell me? Her children came first before the dying uncle. Many times have we seen and heard them both say...we'll we have to cut this short...Daniel has to be picked up or Daniel needs a ride. He's 22 years old and is master over his mother. They could be visiting us an hours drive away and he needs a ride a couple of blocks.

Now this couple has a brother who also shares the same interests and we came to know him well too. He met this woman who chased him and eventually got him. Well this short little woman is super bossy. She makes lists of things to do and not to do when we visit, plays victim to many things and he coddles her. For example: One festival we attended, they were going through a hard financial time so out of kindness we decided to buy them dinner. We told her to order whatever she wanted on the menu and she ordered. We paid for it and as soon as the brother walked in she began to cry because "we made her order!". The brother than lost his temper and gave us all hell for buying her stuff that she cannot eat.

Now last year fall we invited over everyone in our group and we had 6 couples over for dinner. While we were cooking dinner I mentioned to my spouse that maybe the girls would like a glass of wine while waiting for their dinner. What a mistake! The brothers wife lost her shit and stormed out of the house for even mentioning alcohol. We found out later that she is a recovering alcoholic. Our friends stayed but the brother and his wife left the dinner. The husband (my friend) literally screamed at my spouse saying that she shouldn't have done offered wine. 

Ever since that night nothing has been the same. We have tried to reunite but they are standoffish. So 4 months past and I was expecting an apology for telling us what to do in our own house. We never got it and I decided to end the friendship. One text message saying "I hope you can forgive me" and that was that. The other couple has not said anything and have officially cut all ties.

We tried to be the best people we could and invited these people into our lives. I feel betrayed and hurt. But I know so many things about them all that I feel sorry for them. They would rather stay in all that unhealthy toxicity rather than admit their wrongs and try to repair the friendship.

[flowboy]

And this is a problem why?

My guess, from the way this is worded: you have been equally participating in the kind of dramas you describe, and you are severely addicted to this drama. Or you would have cut ties years ago.

Now you are having withdrawal symptoms. You are going to have to 'unaddict' yourself from this drama. It's going to be rough.

I'm saying this not to attack you but because I am recognizing myself.

I'm guessing you had several motivations for posting this:

1. Surface level: your painbody wants us to tell you how much they are toxic and wrong and you are right
2. Subconsciously you are hoping to find guidance to overcome this addiction to drama.
   Your painbody is not going to like that though. Expect some ego backlash.

This work is important though, because if both of you are addicted to the drama this couple was causing, and now your painbodies have nothing to feed on, you may start to turn on each other and hurt the relationship.

Do you meditate? If so, how much?

Edited March 19, 2019 by flowboy

[Kimosabe2019]

Thanks Flowboy!

You are absolutely correct. We should of ended this relationship a long time ago. I guess I was hoping for someone to say something like: He'll choose you two over his own brother. Like yeah right!

I really thought that they were our closest friends and friends don't do that to each other, but they do...everyday. It feels like when you've broken up with your girlfriend over drama and your missing her. I miss the good times we had but there were a lot of unhealthy bad times that should of been addressed a long time ago.

I am finally slowly coming out of the shock of the whole thing. It will take some time but we will find some HEALTHY friends just by staying our loving selves. We have big hearts and we opened them up to these people that I did not fathom the depth of their mental and spiritual sicknesses.

I will find eventual peace in learning from this all is that you cannot change people. It is a sad fact of life.

I will re-read this post for motivation.