New here. I need advice on my new neurotic GF.

[Nahm]

@StillSearching Challenge accepted. Calling my brother now. Contingent upon the outcome of that, then I’ll share what’s coming with my wife. I’ll let you know if I still love “them” afterwards.

[StillSearching]

3 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@StillSearching Challenge accepted. Calling my brother now. Contingent upon the outcome of that, then I’ll share what’s coming with my wife. I’ll let you know if I still love “them” afterwards.

LOL ....Good luck with that.  I was pointing out that you cherry picked my reply to fit unconditional love. 

[Nahm]

@StillSearching I was sarcastically implying maybe it’s not me who could use the understanding. 

[zambize]

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

Love her unconditionally.

I agree, but loving her unconditionally might mean leaving her if you are being used as a toxic influence in her life

[StillSearching]

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

@StillSearching I was sarcastically implying maybe it’s not me who could use the understanding. 

Maybe it really is you that could use the understanding, how can you be so sure it's me? Maybe if you looked deep enough you'd see.

Edited March 19, 2019 by StillSearching

[Nahm]

@StillSearching Fair enough. I hope it works out happily for you both. ♥️

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, zambize said:

I agree, but loving her unconditionally might mean leaving her if you are being used as a toxic influence in her life

Or show her how she is using you, explain how that is perpetuating her suffering, and discontinue being used.

Likewise, is it possible to continue to enable, when you’re aware you’re enabling?

Possible, but then the self serving nature of it would be very apparent.

[zambize]

1 minute ago, Nahm said:

Or show her how she is using you, explain how that is perpetuating her suffering, and discontinue being used.

Likewise, is it possible to continue to enable, when you’re aware you’re enabling?

 

Yes of course but it seemed from my understanding that she is aware of the situation, and continues to do nothing about it, nothing lasting for more than a day or two

It is possible to enable when you know you're enabling, we all have faults, he could be letting his own fear of being alone get in the way of making the right choice for her because he doesn't want to be alone

[Nahm]

10 minutes ago, zambize said:

Yes of course but it seemed from my understanding that she is aware of the situation, and continues to do nothing about it, nothing lasting for more than a day or two

What is your estimate of what the situation is, though?

I would say it’s that she believes she needs him to be happy. She doesn’t realize it’s just a belief, so she can’t do anything about the situation. But she can inspect the belief (the root of her suffering). But she won’t ever “need” to do that, if he keeps anabling her ‘ appeasing her.

It is possible to enable when you know you're enabling

I guess, but it’s a pretty mean thing to do. Self actualization is the greatest experience ‘on earth’. Knowingly preventing someone from it is cruel.

, we all have faults, he could be letting his own fear of being alone get in the way of making the right choice for her because he doesn't want to be alone

Then he would be enabling, without realizing he’s enabling.

 

 

[zambize]

6 minutes ago, Nahm said:

 

My estimation of the situation is that she has some serious internal issues that she is using him as a distraction not to address herself.  Of course that can be wrong.  You're right that he could be unaware of the exact mechanism of how he is enabling her, but he doesnt have to know that to see that his influence on her life may be toxic and hindering her personal growth based off the trajectory of her and the relationship as a whole since its start

[StillSearching]

1 hour ago, zambize said:

Yes of course but it seemed from my understanding that she is aware of the situation, and continues to do nothing about it, nothing lasting for more than a day or two

It is possible to enable when you know you're enabling, we all have faults, he could be letting his own fear of being alone get in the way of making the right choice for her because he doesn't want to be alone

Yes and I don't like being alone. I see the value of a relationship for me. If it's not her it will be another. I have no desire to be alone for the sake of saying I'm alone for a period. I've been alone. I'm 54 and I like companionship. 

[StillSearching]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

 

You can only find out what you actually believe (rather than what you think you believe) by watching how you act. You simply don’t know what you believe, before that. We are too complex to understand ourselves.

[zambize]

11 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

Yes and I don't like being alone. I see the value of a relationship for me. If it's not her it will be another. I have no desire to be alone for the sake of saying I'm alone for a period. I've been alone. I'm 54 and I like companionship. 

I'm not saying you should be alone for the sake of being alone, just that you might have someone out there who would care for you in maybe a more mutually beneficial way.  If you are happy though, which you know way better than I do, then of course you should do what your heart is telling you and if that's staying in the relationship because you believe in it, that's perfectly okay.  I hope we atleast primed you with stuff to consider as this relationship moves forward so that you and her can both avoid heartache