New here. I need advice on my new neurotic GF.

[StillSearching]

Hello, I'm new here and I'm searching everywhere for good advice. I'm been divorced 1 year. I have a new GF who is very neurotic. Everyday she thinks I'm going to leave her for someone better. I want to have a long future with her, but I'm afraid she will this never get better. Any advice on what I can do to make this work out for the long term would be helpful. Thanks.

[Nahm]

@StillSearching Ya. Why does it fit you so well, to have chosen a girl who is insecure and experiencing low self esteem?  What is it you think you could ultimately need from her for you to be happy?

[StillSearching]

Just now, Nahm said:

@StillSearching Ya. Why does it fit you so well, to have chosen a girl who is insecure and experiencing low self esteem?  What is it you think you could ultimately need from her for you to be happy?

Well I was married for 25 years to a serial cheater. I really wanted to date a woman that was more reserved and less likely to wander. I really like her a lot. I guess what I need from her is honesty and openness. After 2 years of IC I'm much more secure in my life, and want a long term relationship. She has no kids. Never had any. 

[Nahm]

@StillSearching What are you currently doing to enable her to continue not to address her low esteem?

[StillSearching]

I tell her every 5 mins how much I love her. I tell her how beautiful she is. But she keeps telling me I going to leave her for a skinny girl. She says I'm "out of her league." I'm running out of ideas. We have been going out 8 months and it's actually getting worse, from what I can tell. Unless she hid it in the beginning of our relationship. We live in separate houses and every time I leave her house to go home she's texting me "Are you seeing someone else?" "This is why I don't date newly divorced men they want to play the field" "I saw you look at those other women" "You don't ever text me back"....It's starting to wear me out. I am completely honest with her. I talk to her about my morals and virtue. But my rope is running short.....

[Markus]

@StillSearching Self-esteem issues are a tough thing for people to overcome. If you want to have a good relationship, this is not something you can ignore. If you really care about this person you might try to confront her about it (in a loving way...as much as that is possible) and encourage her to work on her self-esteem/get help. The deeper thing is though, you can't really count on her to change. You could give her a chance, but it is very possible the relationship will not work out. There's a lot of sweet people out there with some good qualities who can be problematic as partners due to insecurity, that's just the reality of it.

[ajasatya]

@StillSearching make her desires true. leave her. that's her attachment and you can't do anything about it. only suffering can shake and awake such distracted minds.

[StillSearching]

1 hour ago, ajasatya said:

@StillSearching make her desires true. leave her. that's her attachment and you can't do anything about it. only suffering can shake and awake such distracted minds.

I understand that suffering is the human condition and how we are awakened. She does not desire me to leave her? I would not say angst and desire is the same thing. Guys have left her in the past because she's "Too nice" and she's very sexually naive. 

[ajasatya]

30 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

She does not desire me to leave her?

part of her thinks that she doesn't want you to leave her because she's too needy. part of her wants you to leave her so she can prove to herself that she was right all the time because she doesn't deserve real love or because real love doesn't exist. that's how confused minds work and i don't think you're ready for that.

i also sense a lack of self love in you. why don't you deserve a better company? are you that needy/desperate?

Edited March 18, 2019 by ajasatya

[StillSearching]

21 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

part of her thinks that she doesn't want you to leave her because she's too needy. part of her wants you to leave her so she can prove to herself that she was right all the time because she doesn't deserve real love or because real love doesn't exist. that's how confused minds work and i don't think you're ready for that.

i also sense a lack of self love in you. why don't you deserve a better company? are you that needy/desperate?

Ok i get that now. I'm ready for anything. I've been to hell and back. I have plenty of confidence and self love. I spent 2 years in IC working on me.  I don't want type A woman like my ex who was outgoing and so desperate for a mans attention she'd sleep with one arbitrarily. I like that my GF is neurotic enough that she does not seek a mans attention. It's just a little overboard.

[zambize]

9 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

Ok i get that now. I'm ready for anything. I've been to hell and back. I have plenty of confidence and self love. I spent 2 years in IC working on me.  I don't want type A woman like my ex who was outgoing and so desperate for a mans attention she'd sleep with one arbitrarily. I like that my GF is neurotic enough that she does not seek a mans attention. It's just a little overboard.

How does she feel about her neuroticism?  Is she aware of it?  Does she have plans to fix it? 

[ajasatya]

15 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

I don't want type A woman like my ex who was outgoing and so desperate for a mans attention she'd sleep with one arbitrarily.

that's not the mark of a type A woman. that's just another form of neuroticism.

17 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

I like that my GF is neurotic enough that she does not seek a mans attention.

oh man, you are talking from a place of neediness.

anyways... maybe both of you need some dosage of suffering from life? who knows... life has amazing ways of teaching us how wisdom is superior to pride. i wish the best for both of you.

[StillSearching]

6 minutes ago, zambize said:

How does she feel about her neuroticism?  Is she aware of it?  Does she have plans to fix it? 

She says she's very shy. Yes she says she's an introvert and I'm very outgoing. I brought it up once and she said "So you're diagnosing me now"

I left it alone after that. She's very sweet. She's says I'm the man of her dreams and she never dated a guy like me before. It worries me. I do love her. I'd like to have her around forever, but not like this.....:(

[zambize]

Just now, StillSearching said:

She says she's very shy. Yes she says she's an introvert and I'm very outgoing. I brought it up once and she said "So you're diagnosing me now"

I left it alone after that. She's very sweet. She's says I'm the man of her dreams and she never dated a guy like me before. It worries me. I do love her. I'd like to have her around forever, but not like this.....:(

Sounds tough, especially when it sounds like you genuinely care for her.  Hope that's not causing you too much pain. 

Do you have any plans right now to resolve the situation or talk to her about it?  Or are we coming up with a battle plan right now or maybe just talking it through?

[StillSearching]

8 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

that's not the mark of a type A woman. that's just another form of neuroticism.

oh man, you are talking from a place of neediness.

anyways... maybe both of you need some dosage of suffering from life? who knows... life has amazing ways of teaching us how wisdom is superior to pride. i wish the best for both of you.

I've suffered plenty. I'm not interested in spending the rest of my life alone. I have wisdom. Just not enough knowledge about neurosis to work this out correctly. Yes I know my ex wife had a small different size of neuroticism. But I'm concerned about my new GF.

Edited March 18, 2019 by StillSearching

[StillSearching]

2 minutes ago, zambize said:

Sounds tough, especially when it sounds like you genuinely care for her.  Hope that's not causing you too much pain. 

Do you have any plans right now to resolve the situation or talk to her about it?  Or are we coming up with a battle plan right now or maybe just talking it through?

It's not causing me any pain. Yes a battle plan. Not sure you can talk someone through neuroticism? I do care for her. 

[ajasatya]

13 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

I've suffered plenty

beware. plenty != enough

13 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

I'm not interested in spending the rest of my life alone

there's no need for extremism. taking 1~3 years to recompose yourself and heal completely can drastically increase the quality of the years that you have left before you die.

13 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

Just not enough knowledge about neurosis to work this out correctly

you can't do it. that's her job. it's about her journey to heal herself.

i'll leave it here. i don't think you want to dig too deep for now.

Edited March 18, 2019 by ajasatya

[StillSearching]

7 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

beware. plenty != enough

there's no need for extremism. taking 1~3 years to recompose yourself and heal completely can drastically increase the quality of the years that you have left before you die.

you can't do it. that's her job. it's about her journey to heal herself.

i'll leave it here. i don't think you want to dig too deep for now.

Sure, lets dig deep. I been there. I know I cannot fix her, the phrase "work this out correctly" was about the relationship. 

[zambize]

7 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

It's not causing me any pain. Yes a battle plan. Not sure you can talk someone through neuroticism? I do care for her. 

Well neuroticism seems to have some some biological basis, and I'm not really sure the degree to which everyone can heal from it, but I certainly believe people can find at the very least some relief.

My concern is that her love for you isn't as deep as your love for her.  On one hand it seems like she loves you so much because she doesn't want you to leave and is concerned about your relationship so much, but on the other hand, I get the feeling like you might be playing the role of a placeholder.  Someone to give her company and be used as an emotional sponge, and whenever that burden gets to large on you, she is largely dismissive.  I know neuroticism is a really difficult issue for people, but I would hope that if the love for you was there more that she would be willing to look at herself with a little bit more introspection because of the pain it is causing you. From my experience with neurotic people in my life ( I had a somewhat neurotic ex that I broke up with and am happy I did because we are both happier now) they sometimes use people around them to solve their own issues in an unhealthy way.  It could be loneliness or lack of self worth in her, I'm not sure, but it seems like it's getting worse and worse and instead of addressing it herself, she is using you to avoid confronting those issues herself.  But those issues don't just go away, they get worse, and that was my experience as well.  You seem to have the same

"We have been going out 8 months and it's actually getting worse, from what I can tell."

So I'm more than happy talking to you about this because I'm on vacation and sometimes I just like talking to people, but I need to know if you seriously think that your relationship is benefiting both of you as individuals, or is maybe being used to avoid internal emotional pain?  Do you see the trajectory of this relationship soaring into the clouds or crashing into the ground?  

I think if you know deep down that this isn't going anywhere, the sooner the better.

I think if you think this relationship is in a difficult stage, but has potential, you need to be able to seriously communicate your needs, and her needs.  You need to stand up for yourself, because you are not happy, and if she is unwilling to have a serious conversation about your needs, you need to ask why.

 

[ajasatya]

37 minutes ago, StillSearching said:

Sure, lets dig deep. I been there. I know I cannot fix her, the phrase "work this out correctly" was about the relationship.

good. what does "working out" mean to you, in practical terms? are you able to output a more precise description of a relationship that "works out"?

Edited March 18, 2019 by ajasatya