The Collapse of Duality of Surrender and Control during Meditation

[Consilience]

Excuse the word vomit of a thread title, but I thought this may be interesting for some of you to read about. If anyone has similar experiences, I would love to read about them.  

 

Over the last month or so, an interesting dynamic has been taking place during meditation wherein neither the concept of surrender nor the concept of control really describes what’s been taking place. It’s almost as if I am both “being” or “doing nothing” (notice how language can’t actually articulate this process taking place… language requires process-orientation even when there is no process) and actively inquiring into my true nature.

 

Interestingly enough, there seems to be arising a conscious energy directed towards understanding the self even though I have relinquished all control. So many times the thoughts “Who am I?” “To whom are these thoughts occurring?” will arise on their own, yet it feels as thought its from a genuine and clear intent to understand my true self. Which is the odd part… There is genuine intent to know the truth here, and yet “I” am not doing any of this WHILE simultaneously allowing the energy to arise and question.  

 

It’s as if I’m contemplating the question “Who am I?” by doing nothing but letting that energy, what the symbols “Who am I” represent, flourish in an unobstructed manor. Through total surrender to being, genuine intent and questioning arises.  

In other words, by giving up all intent during the meditation, intent arises. It feels like there is a very primal force inside that wants to know itself that is both separate from myself and is myself.  It’s as though both perspectives make sense depending on how you use language to describe it, but remember, language can’t ever actually communicate what I’m trying to convey. It feels very strange but is very interesting indeed.