Thought immersions; My non-daily journal.

[Ananta]

On 12/16/2019 at 3:51 PM, Nightwise said:

Well so my old account got banned. I took the risk and seemingly it indeed did have consequences. The moderator in question had seen that I wanted to use this account from now on so Skanzi got banned instead of this account. I was notified by a private message froma moderator on this account, who had told me that my other account was banned. Upon logging into that account, this indeed seemed to be the case. The message of "you have been banned" however takes priority ovet the interface in which you can choose to log in and log out (with another account), So what I had to do in order to log back into this account again was to delete all the data from google chrome from the past hour in order to get access to the login screen again.

How do I feel about that? Well... I feel it to be a bit unnecessary to have banned that account just because some forum guidelines say that it is not allowed to happen. I feel that one can look at the specific circumstances as to why someone decided to have two accounts as well, and look at the profile of the person to see if this person intends any harm with having two accounts. I estimated the chance of not facing any consequences because of it to be about 70% or so.

Well, to be honest, I kind of screwed myself over. I had put in a "manual signature" with this account when I made a post on the forum that said this: "This is a manual signature. My old account is named "Skanzi", and I am now intending to start using this account instead of the old account, as I like this username much more. i don't intend to use these two accounts interchangeably; Only this account from now on."

And I think because of this signature it was noticed and I got banned. I care much about transparancy and I find it important that people can know what my (previous) identity is/was, but as far as for the sake of trying to preserve my accounts from getting banned is concerned, this wasn't a smart move to make. I had better just shut up. Maybe my chance would have been around 70% to preserve both if I had never put up such a signature.

But I can put the blame on others and start acting like a victim, but at the same time it's a risk I took willingly and I have to put up and acknowledge the consequences of my actions, also knowing that I was fully aware that having two accounts was officially not allowed. I also understand that making exceptions as a moderator can make certain situations quite chaotic and disorganized. I understand the need for order and structure.

I'm not too devastated about it because at least my posts that I made on Skanzi were saved and preserved (though I had made a backup just to be sure). I can continue with my journal.

I dont normally discuss mod actions on forum, but you pretty much asked for one account to be banned, so I'm shocked you have issue with it?

We would have found out eventually by IP address anyways.

Having 2 accounts is against forum guidelines...always. You seemed to know that.

So, if you didn't tell us, you could've had a warning and points against this new account, but you did not, because we didn't have to discover it, you told us.

[Nightwise]

Well I send you a private message about this. We could discuss this in public also but I'd prefer not so let's keep it with the private messages I'd say.

[Ananta]

@Nightwise No problem, you could have PM'd me instead of posting it here at all, but you didn't 

[Nightwise]

Well, what to say about that...

I suppose you're right about that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I guess the reason I said it is because I'd like to to a certain degree inform other people that are watching about what's going on also.

 

Also, for any other readers here: I just edited my latest journal entry (the second post about wednesday the 18th) to include a part 3 and a part 4, in which I talked in part 3 about a walk with a friend that I had which went surprisingly well, and which I talked in part 4 about how the singing class went and the revelation I had during it.

I also certainly have something to talk about of what happened today, but I'm not in the mood to write about that right now, so that will probably come tomorrow.

Edited December 20, 2019 by Nightwise

[Nightwise]

(about) Thursday December 19th

I will (probably) edit this later (if I act within 48 hours after posting this), but now I really feel like I want to talk about something else first.

Saturday December 21st

I've gone into a phase of passivity, of yin. No goals that need to be met, nothing specifically that needs to be accomplished. I am going with the flow of whatever I find comfortable at the moment, and I am capable of allowing myself to be that way without any pressure or guilt. It is relaxing.

I'm becoming aware of the fact that even if I act completely spontaneously without any needs or requirements for myself, it does not necessarily altogether inhibit my creative drive or the drive to improve myself upon certain areas.

For instance, I had written a lot in my journal the past 10 days or so (but not the last two days). This writing for the most part was spontaneous and without any pressure. I've also noticed that without any inner friction or without any sort of egoic desire to discipline or control myself, that I've taken up a lot of action towards trying to meet a prostitute. It's interesting because there was a sort of discipline and structure in trying to go about doing that (like trying to contact at least 1 girl a day), but this discipline and structure happened on its own accord in a way. 

I think the key thing here is that there was no division within me. It didn't require a fight or struggle to make myself do it. Maybe a first-degree struggle, but no second-degree struggle.

The first-degree struggle is when your energy naturally wants to move somewhere but it encounters a blockage or limitation. As the energy still naturally wants to move there, there needs to be no additional energy spent for you to start coming up with solutions or the courage to overcome it. The river flows that way. Even though there may be an obstacle, because the river flows that way, the more and more water (energy) starts building up before the obstruction in the path of the river, the more likley over time it will become that the obstacle will simply give away by the ever-increasing pressure of the water. Or otherwise, the water will just find a way around it.

So there's something flowing within me that makes things happen on its own accord. I feel like it can even invoke a certain sense of duty for structure and discipline in me. That sense of duty arises without me needing to make it be there.

Then there is second-degree struggle. Second-degree struggle I would say is trying to redirect the flow of the river because I think the river should end up or go by specific places on the land.

Second-degree struggles imply all the 'shoulds'. Second-degree struggle is in a way also a lot more constricted and heavier than the first-degree struggle, because the second-degree struggle implies fighting against yourself, being divided against yourself.

One part of you wants to relax, wants to take it easy. The mind says that I should not take it easy, that there are some goals and obstacles to be overcome, that one needs to redirect to flow of the river to a specific route that from the limited perspective of the (ego-)mind seems more desirable as it is in accordance to its ideas of what is good and what is bad.

If there is no second-degree struggle, then the first degree struggle of encountering an obstacle is in a way not os frustrating. This is because there is much more space around it. As Eckhart Tolle puts it: There is pain, but there is no suffering. Pain is what happens, what is inevitably a part of life. Suffering is what you do to yourself because you don't accept yourself. Suffering is saying "No", and in pain alone there is still a "yes".

You could even say there's a sort of third-degree struggle, in which you start becoming really frustrated at yourself that you're not succeeding in your attempts to redirecting the flow of life and start creating a sort of complex of shame, guilt and self-hatred about that.

When I am talking about the differences between pain and suffering here, and when I talk about saying "yes" and "no", what has to be clearly understood is that I'm talking on the level or dimension of Being. I'm not talking on the dimension of Doing. This is where people very often get confused.

Being implies your attitude. It implies your capacity to yield and to witness. It quite literally refers to a self that is different from everything that that self witnesses. Doing is the level of action. Doing simply means the way you shape your life by what actions and activities you participate in. As Being is different than doing, you can be very ambitious and do a lot of stuff, yet at the same time be very connected to Being, to a space surrounding these activities, and thereby you can stay relaxed even as you're doing a lot of stuff.

Yes, it's easier to connect to Being if you aren't doing a whole lot of stuff, but that does not mean that it's either that you're just Being and not doing anything, or that you're completely preoccupied with doing and thereby have lost all touch with Being or witnessing. It can be both, but that requires a high degree of awakeness, and therefore there are very few people who are capable of fully integrating and living in both dimensions at the same time.

In the phase that I'm currently in, I would like to work towards being able to integrate both. Currently, it's more like it alternates in a fashion where I'm like 1/2 weeks more passive and yielding, and then it is often followed by a phase where I'm like 1/2 weeks more active. I'm not exactly sure if those numbers are right, but at least you got the idea that I'm alternating them. Of course I find it more easy and comfortable to be in the Yin-phase of passivity once I get to the point where I'm able to completely surrender to that, because not only is the Yin-phase more relaxing almost by definition, but it's also the phase that I was strongly familiar and even attached to in the past; A phase in my life in which I wasn't really alternating between yin and yang so much but just stayed primarily in Yin.

So Yin is where I come from, and Yin is therefore also what I'm in some extent most comfortable with. I've still not completely outgrown my attachments to being detached, you could say, so therefore I still tend to be more Yin than I tend to be Yang, although I'm experimenting now with bringing more Yang into my life.

So in a way you could say that I don't give Yang as much of my totality as I give Yin. I feel usually quite a bit more hesitant and uncomfortable with going into Yang as to going into Yin. Yin is like my safe base, my home, and yang is for when I'm feeling a bit more adventurous and want to go outside my home and explore a little bit.

I know that for many people the opposite is the case. They know very well how to be preoccupied all the time and to constantly be doing stuff, but they find it very hard to actually relax and perhaps even literally do nothing. Then their Yang would be their home.

Referring back to the story of the stream and first and second-degree struggle and so forth... I am now trying to see if it's possible for myself to give some degree of conscious and willful direction to my life without making it into a second-degree struggle.

For instance... Just now there was a moment when I wanted to drop all needs to create any sort of obligation for myself whatsoever and just play some OSRS, and relax into this spontaneous yin-state.

The idea of doing something like once again trying to create an elaborate plan on how to structure and organize my life using internet information seemed absolutely exorbitant to me at that point and I knew there was no way I wanted to do something like that right now. That seemed like way too much second-degree struggle to me.

But does a lack of second-degree struggle mean that you can't give some willful direction to your life whatsoever? Do you then only go with the flow, or are there more possibilities?

It occured to me that —although not my very first idea or preference— that playing or practicing the guitar was also a very worthwhile consideration.

Practicing to play guitar is this sort of activity with a strange kind of middle-ground. I don't happen to really do it if I just go with the flow and not trying to create and sort of direction for myself, but at the same time it's something that I don't really find to be much of a problem at all once I'm actually doing it.

And this is interesting. Because this indicates to me that there is some opportunity or possibility to put down certain structures or items in the path of the river of life so that the river wll run a (slightly) different course, without simultaneously creating this layer of second-degree struggle by doing so.

And I do want to learn to play guitar, and I don't even mind it so much when I'm actually playing it, but if I go by pure spontaneity without ANY willful direction I'm trying to give to my life, then I most likely won't end up playing guitar very often, if at all.

So i feel like sometimes there's a space of a possibility to create a direction for your life instead of it all happening to you and you going along with it (even if out if this 'allowing to happen' activities and actions arise spontaneously). There is a certain space, a certain expanse, but you can't push it too far otherwise you'll once again end up in this second-degree struggle.

I think I've already talked about this topic before, but I feel that now I've found a way to give better expression to it.

I feel that perhaps a good way to go about it, or just something to experiment with, is to try to see where there are perhaps some opportunities to enter into this space where goals can be worked towards without creating this second-degree struggle when I'm more in my Yin-phase, and to actually remind myself to relax a bit more and to take it easy at certain moments when I'm more in my Yang-phase. This might just mitigate the extremes a little bit, and get me closer to the "razor-sharp edge of the middle way".

Edited December 21, 2019 by Nightwise

[Nightwise]

Monday January 6th 2020

It's been a while. Or at least, it's been a while comparatively to how much I had been writing before the last post.

So what have I been doing?

Well...

Barely anything proactively.

I've simply been having a bout in which I didn't want to do anything at all that could even provoke a little bit of stress or resistance, what I would have called this "second-degree struggle" in the previous post.

For the most part, I have been doing energy/shadow work, I have been exploring my sexuality a little bit, and I have been gaming a lot, wanting to sort of drown myself in that and forget about everything else.

Even though gaming is not the primary thing that I have been doing the most time-wise, it is the thing that has been most on my mind. I am energetically quite sensitive so on top of the fact that I have an almost constant energetical pressure rising up in me even if I were not to be gaming, the gaming itself and the physical position I sit in and the energetical emission/radiation from the screen and electricity (at least so I suspect), also contribute to the fact that I very often have to take long breaks and do some energy work before I feel ready to continue.

So even though I have not been gaming as much as I have been doing energy work, much of the time I was doing energy work I just kind of did it with this attitude to "get it over with" so I could return to gaming again. So most of my interest in the past 3 weeks or so has been involved in playing OSRS (Oldschool Runescape).

There is something so enticing and addictive about playing a video game like OSRS. It gives me a distraction from being very stimulation-less. Doing energy work, it really isn't something that is very interesting to do. It itself isn't even that bad anymore, but it is simply the mere fact that I get so bored and restless doing that, because I have nothing for my attention to be really occupied with. The energy work itself isn't really interesting enough for that alone for me to be occupied with. So since not too long I also have started to try listening to podcasts or lectures or music when I'm doing that energy work.

But being so incredibly lazy and unproductive for a long time starts after a while getting to me a little bit.

There have been bouts where I had felt that "I should be doing something a bit more productive now", but at the same time I had felt this... You could call it resistance but even more than that it was just lack of conviction or faith that actually trying to be productive would have actually been the right thing to do.

For instance, when thinking about wanting to learn to play guitar, I instantly resent it a little bit because I did not feel automatically drawn to it. Really, I have just been very suspicious about almost anything the mind was saying that I "should" do, instead of what I naturally felt drawn to do. Feeling over thinking. 

Because with feeling, there is no struggle in doing something. If you go by feeling, it will drawn you in almost automatically. It is like an attractive magnet. And many other things like learning to play guitar or going to the gym, that felt like I was going against a somewhat repulsive magnet, trying to get myself to do it anyway by sheer willpower.

Another person might just think that pushing yourself through that repulsive force would have been the right thing to do, but as I happen to be so clever, I cannot help myself but to doubt that that actually would be true. How do I know for sure that this is what I'm actually meant to be doing? What if I just stop trying to go against the force of this repulsive magnet and just allow myself to completely surrender to the energy of the attracting magnet? Such an attitude, I would then think, is that attitude of Tao, of going with the flow and embracing it. If you can truly surrender to such an attitude, then life becomes very relaxing.

I thought about that yesterday... What if I simply stop trying to want anything at all anymore and from this point on simply go along with wherever the river, the attracting magnet, is taking me? But I wasn't so sure because I had gone through this phase of absolutely allowing yourself to go along with the attracting magnet, and in the end it didn't go very well. This attitude (appeared to have) largely contributed to my dark period in 2017.

But what if I just take the leap of faith and just do it, I thought. After all, the situation is different now to how it was back then. I am a different person so different things may happen.

But it seemed so strange to me... Because even though some things were indeed happening on their own accord (such as primarily gaming-related and sexuality-related goals), other things such as learning how to play guitar or going to the gym would then seem like they would never happen on their own accord. Yet at the same time, at least the idea of playing guitar was something I wasn't really willing to give up. At least not if letting go of the desire to play guitar would mean the same as actually never learning it, as actually never acting upon it again.

Could I trust that this impulse to want to practice playing guitar would happen on it's own? Would the desire turn into an attractive magnet? Or would I by giving up on the need to play guitar actually never get to practice it anymore, and therefore I would never learn to play guitar?

Because if giving up on the need to learn new stuff such as playing guitar would mean I would never ever learn something new in my life of things that are outside the field of the attractive magnet, then would it really be worth pursuing this attitude of what i would then name "surrender"?

There really is this sometimes quite strong desire to learn new things in my life, even if that would mean having to will and discipline myself to get it done in order to get through the force of the repulsing magnet.

So this caused some confusion for me... I didn't want to struggle in order to learn something, i felt like it perhaps wasn't necessary, but at the same time it would inhibit me from or at least delay the learning of quite a couple of new skillsets or pieces of knowledge.

Something strange happened a couple of hours ago though. I thought about this topic, and the confusion it evoked in me reminded me of the way I felt into this dark phase in 2017. That phase was also coupled with a lot of confusion and the struggle that was about this: "I want to be able to will myself to get out of this, but how can I convince myself or make myself believe that I have to struggle and fight to overcome the force of the repulsing magnet?". Eventually I simply had to act and discipline myself, but it was terribly frightening and difficult because I had to accept the idea that maybe I had to really push myself and force myself to get certain shit done, causing sometimes a tremendous amount of resistance and inner division. The greatest dilemma was that I couldn't really feel like I could trust my feelings alone anymore, and that I also had to acknowledge that the sometimes very disturbing things that my mind was saying about what I should do could also potentially be true.

So thinking that I would have to take a similair attitude to the situation now as I did when climbing out of that dark period in 2017, naturally evoked some fear in me. Because letting go of the notion that you only wanna go by your feelings and your 'intuition', means you will suddenly find yourself in a space in which absolutely nothing is certain about what should be done, and the most disturbing possibilities or ideas can suddenly have potential validity to them. You simply lack something to ground yourself in, as the ground you stood on before started becoming quicksand and you had to leave.

Luckily I am a bit more matured than I was two years ago, so even though I may feel some pressure to make a transition and to start leaving this fairly comfortable but somewhat fruitless ground I had been standing on for the past couple of weeks (or at least so I think this is what's happening now), I now feel like I am able to make a more gradual and smoother transition.

Where yesterday I thought that maybe it was a possibiility that I was simply to perhaps try to abandon all 'needs', right now I am thinking of allowing the mind to have its say even though it may not have a very deep connection to something intuitive.

Though I do notice that not just any idea is instantly acceptable, and that there do appear do be new gateways which I had not seen before.

A few hours ago, after accepting the possibility that perhaps I needed to slowly abandon the old ground and perhaps follow the desire to learn something things, the first thing I did was to pick up the guitar. This was the primary thing I had been having some desire somewhere to do, but had not come to do it as it still hadn't been an attracting magnet. I had been skeptical towards doing it, thinking that if I don't happen to do it spontaneously, then maybe it's not worth doing at all.

The strange thing once again was that, once I acted upon this desire and started playing guitar, it really wasn't something uncomfortable. It was quite alright.

I haven't been practicing just because of this distrust of mind-based desires as opposed to feeling-based desires. I want to learn to play guitar because I have a vision for myself that I can pick up a guitar anywhere and start sharing a song with my environment. But the act of learning guitar itself is not something that feels attractive if I were to speak from the perspective of my feelings. It's for a vision, it is not so much for fun. 

I don't happen to do it just for fun, but I do manage to sometimes somewhat enjoy it once I actually am doing it.

The debate here is vision vs pleasure. Short-term vs long-term. Do you want to do something because of the person you can see yourself becoming with it, and you enjoy that idea, or do you want to do something because you like to allow yourself to let go and be contempt with what is right here, right now, what you feel attracted to right in this moment.

Just the Being vs Doing debate.

I (so far) naturally prefer Being much more. Especially in a society where everyone is just doing, doing, doing...

But can I allow myself to just go after and act upon a certain vision that I have for myself, and work towards it?

It's funny how I can be immensely skeptical towards the dimension of Doing, and how I rarely question myself when I am fully engrossed in Being. In this physical plane, is Being alone truly enough, or do I need Doing for doing's sake as well. Not doing combined with being alone, but doing alone.

But I must be careful that I don't start getting the idea in my mind that going by feeling is the only proper way to go. The ironic thing is that the believe that you can't trust what the mind says and that you should go by feeling, is once again something that is of the mind.

If there is a desire of the mind and a desire of the feelings that are both equally strong, then how do I know that the desires of the feelings would be more trustworthy than the desires of the mind?

The thing with Being, or following the attracting magnets, is that it requires no energy of the "personal will", as Adyashanti calls it. You just get taken by the flow of the river, and you in a way don't have to do anything for it at all. It is automatic. And to actually direct your energy and focus and discipline yourself towards something, takes a whole lot more energy. It depends though on how much energy you give it.

I think what I'm probably gonna go with from now on, at least for the time being, is to start picking up a few things again slowly, and at the same time be careful that I don't get too hurried and start wanting to do many things at once again.

I feel like some change I may feel ready for now is to start practicing guitar every day at a set time of the day now. A recurring, structured event. That's like completely new to me, doing something in that way. But I feel like I may just be ready for that.

Later edit:

It's interesting how something can sometimes seem like such a big deal until you just get to it.

There are two things I had in mind that I could do that were very similair in nature, but one I had a negative association with and the other one not.

The first thing I could have done was to continue making the comprehensive word-document on the account plans I have for that OSRS hame I'm playing.

The second thing was to make a document about how I can learn to play guitar and what songs I can practice with.

The first option felt a bit more tempting to me, and the second option I felt some resistance towards, as I associated it with "strain" for some reason.

The interesting thing is that the first option doesn't require any less energy than the second option. In fact, I think the first option gives a bit more of a headache as I really need to reflect and look up very specific information, as with the second I had in mind that I would just browse a little bit and write down or save a couple of things that sparked my interest. Primarily, I was just going to look how I can practice a song I don't know for myself and what songs I could use for that, and how to read tabs and chords, and how to time it all etc...

I don't know why my mind associates certain actions with strain and heaviness and force whilst in reality once I just get to it it's usually not nearly as bad as I sometimes had imagined it to be.

It is this whole idea of 'needing' to do something that I don't like.

If I drop the idea that I need to do it and just do it, then it is way different then when I really try to pressure myself and hold myself to this task.

So to clarify, when I just said that I would "just do it", I don't mean it in this way, with this kind of attitude.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXsQAXx_ao0

If I can just drop the idea that it's some kind of chore or some kind of to-do list I have to work off, the attitude towards it changed. The insight here I think is that I just don't really like that part of myself that puts pressure on me in a similair way of how Shia acted in that video. If the pressure is not there —either because I had forgotten about the notion that it could be a chore or simply because I have been able to let go— then there is a completely different kind of attitude.

But honestly, I can understand Shia's point of view. Sometimes I feel that way about myself too when I just don't happen to do anything at all and I got all of these excuses or reasons not to act up.

The problem once again is that there is sucha vast array of logic possible, that literally everything can be put into doubt. And because I tend to want to act more through feeling than through logic, there is always more doubt and hesitation trying to activate myself as opposed to allowing myself to let loose and let go.

But it does get me thinking. What if I "just do it", and I keep on "just doing it".

Because maybe Shia is right. Maybe I need to drop all of this logic and "just do it".

I feel just a yearning for learning to sing, learning to play guitar, and overcoming all the obstacles associated with it. i feel a yearning to keep at it, to keep on doing it, to not put it aside for long periods of a time anymore, or to pick it up more frequently.

I just want to be that person who can sing, can play guitar, can combine singing and playing guitar, and express this to the world. I want to share my gifts to the world. And the slowness of it all of how slowly I am progressing can sometimes be quite frustrating.

I feel like I just want to give at least a shot at practicing both singing and playing guitar on a daily basis. Like I said before, I used to dread any form of structure in my life, and there may still be some resistance, but I feel like now may be the right time for the first time in a long, long time to put something of this self-imposed structure in my life (other than perhaps brushing teeth, which even that I rarely used to do earlier in the past).

Edited January 7, 2020 by Nightwise

[Nightwise]

Thursday January 9th/(Friday January 10th)

So I have been starting to actually use Tinder semi-actively now. I have two phones which I have used to set up two different accounts. One account focuses on the 18-35 age group of women, and the other account focuses on 35+ ladies. I like a bit more seasoned, mature women, but at the same time I also would like to explore some younger fruits. Really, I like to experience both so I can have a good diversity of experience.

Younger women are more sexually alluring, but I reckon them to be a bit more unreliable and flaky. Older women (hopefully) have a bit of a more compassionate and open-minded attitude, and thus hopefully not as much of an ego. That's really the most important thing for me in older women; That they wouldn't have as much of an ego to deal with, that they would have more integrity. Girls with a big ego are just a turnoff to me. I am a sensitive person and I am seeking for someone to respect and emphatize with that.

Not that all or maybe not even most young girls have a big ego, and neither are older women automatically free of ego. But generally speaking, I feel that it is true. 

Though... I did have an experience with a 37-year old woman that would perhaps not totally seem to be supporting that statement, but I have to be fair that I am too early to really make it justified to judge that.

I don't know if having an "ego" is even the right word. Calling it "lack of integrity" would be a better statement. But again, that would only be so if this woman I'm talking about weren't to respond to my latest sent message anymore.

So what happened is basically this. I got a match with a girl/woman which I will for privacy reasons name R, and I initiated contact with R, and the conversation seemed to go really well, and she actually liked all of my messages (I didn't really know that was even a thing), and because things seemed to be going so smoothly I decided to take a bit of a risk, and since then (the message was sent about 24 hours ago) I haven't heard from her anymore.

You may be thinking: "Well, is it really justified to already start writing or complaining about the fact that you didn't receive a message in only 24 hours?"

Really, it is not so much about whether it is justified or that it would be 'too soon' to write about it, but it is much more about the feelings and thoughts that the situation provokes in me. It is not so much an attack towards her, but me needing to let something off my chest. The way I'm writing might seem personal, but really, I just primarily need to vent off some steam, need to express myself.

So her lack of a reaction frustrates me. It is very, very possible that she will still react, and possibly even react positively, but the lack of reaction triggers something in due to similair situations I've encountered in the past

I'm going to put the transcript of the conversation here, for context

Also, when I use parenthesis () it means that whethever was between the parenthesis was part of the actual conversation, and in the actual conversation it was also written in parenthesis. When I use brackets [ ] it means that I added my own comments about the conversation to it, right here right now. And the braces { } means it was part of the actual conversation, but it used to describe something which cannot be said in actual words either because I want to disclose information or I use it to describe an emoji which cannot be accurately replicated with the emojis actualized.org has at its disposal.

Quote

Me: I quite like you and the way you've set up your profile  I always like the free-spirited. I happen to be one myself. You seem like the kind of woman I definitely like to get to know a little bit better

[She liked this comment]

Her:  Thanks for your kind words {My IRL name} {blow kiss emoji, pray emoji}.

I also liked your profile. I liked the picture of the owl, I think it's very beautiful  [one of my tinder pictures is a flying owl with its wings spread].

Where do you live? I live in {place fairly nearby my city}

Me: Yeah, beautiful owl, isn't it? I also use this owl as the cover photo on my facebook page. I feel very related to the owl. I see the owl as my spirit animal, which for me really just means that I feel very connected to the owl, and not necessarily more than that. (I say this because when I once brought up the topic of 'spirit animals' to a friend, he then said that he didn't believe in spirit animals, which I found a rather strange statement. Because for me, it is about the symbolical, the idea behind it. Whether you "believe" in it is not the point at all.)

Anyway, how do you manage to put all these emoji's here on tinder? I'm not very familiar with Tinder so I don't know how to do that ({few random emojis} Oh never mind I have found the option)

Anyway, like you asked, I live in {city that I live in}

[She liked my comment again]

Her: Hehehe you're funny and have a lot to say {blushing emoji}

[I also now liked all of her comments]

[At this point she had shown a lot of positive signs, and I thought we really had already a strong chemistry so I decided to take a bit of a risk. And honestly, I also was fantasizing about all of it and the possibilities that could arise of it so I was quite a bit horny]

Me: Haha I like it how you like my messages {blushy emoji}. I didn't know until you gave me the first like that this was even a thing.

As you've noticed, I'm only using Tinder since a short time [actually don't know why I assumed that she had noticed]. Of course my biggest wish here on Tinder is to meet absurdly attractive ladies like yourself {cool guy sunglass emoji [as if owning up to a bold and daring statement]}. It seems like heaven has sent me a beautiful gift with you {pray emojis [as if thanking the lord that she has been sent]}

But I also feel like I'm ready for it now, the meeting of women en dating them and such. I have worked hard on myself for quite a number of years to be able to get to the point where I'm at now [the point where I'm willing and able to start meeting women, a statement that felt true at least at the time of writing it]. I have never really been good with women, but now it seems I'm coming to the point where finally the ice is starting to melt and I'm actually getting somewhere

I'm not very aware of the social rules of tinder, and if should dare to do this already. I really don't know to begin with what you're actually looking for here, or what kind of things or behaviour turns you off.

But I'm going to (already) try this regardless. Because to my idea, we can get the best impression of who we are as persons when we actually meet each other instead of just sending messages

What do you think about us meeting somewhere {blushy emoji}? Then what would seem like the most appropriate first date to you?

So from that point on she hasn't replied to me anymore.

And it triggers me a little bit even imagining that she isn't going to reply anymore.

Let's just act as if the hypothetical scenario that she isn't going to reply anymore would be true for the sake of ease of writing and expressing. I know it's still possible she will reply, but it just makes it easier to write if I act as if she wouldn't

Why do I get triggered? Because I feel the way I approached the situation was possibly a bit... quick in asking her to meet, or perhaps at least in her perception, but at the same time I also allow myself to be vulnerable by indicating that I'm really not that experienced and good with women, and that I'm experimenting and exploring and trying new things, and that therefore it may not come across as maybe she would've liked it to see. But I'm open about all of this, and I feel that she doesn't show a whole lot of compassion for my situation by not at the very least giving me feedback about how my behaviour affects her.

Honestly, I think that after having encountered this situation of the girl simply not responding or saying anything so many times, that I think I rather just have her scold me and insult me and tell me I'm a horrible person. I think I'd rather have that than another girl just planly ignoring me and not giving me any feedback about my behaviour, also taking into account that most of the time I try to come across as respectful, sensitive and emphatizing

I get that ladies may be instinctively not so sexually attracted to sensitive and respectful behaviour, but at the very least have some fucking decency by at least giving me feedback about how the way I act affects your behaviour, instead of blatantly ignoring a question or request.

Say that you don't want to meet me, or that you don't want to continue the conversation. You don't even have to say why (although I do prefer that). At the very least just express yourself and tell what's going on!

It seems like many people in the society that I live in seem to think it's okay to not take any responsibility for the way they affect other people if they consider that other person not being worth their time and energy.

And the strange thing is that sometimes when you actually meet the person in real life, they turn out to be quite a nice and friendly person to hang out with too.

With one of the places I was going to volunteer at, which is for a great deal centered on life questions and people who have these questions, the woman who I was supposed to have contact have to become a volunteer also totally wasn't attentive to my desires and needs as someone who wanted to become a volunteer. I had missed an appointment once, and after that point I tried to re-engage contact several times and only after making one final attempt to reinitiate another appointment did she reply, and we had an appointment, and that appointment was today.

And it then surprises me somewhat that this woman I had this appointment with then turns out to be a fairly nice person to talk with. She did not apologize or anything, but she didn't seem like the person who would be careless about other people, which also wouldn't have been appropriate for the kind of work she's doing.

And it just makes me wonder... Is it just a socially conditioned type of behaviour that many people think it's simply okay to not be attentive and sympathetic towards other people when that contact is online and the other person is of no use or interest to them anymore?

I personally have this sentiment of really being attentive towards other people whilst being online very strongly. The only way in which perhaps I'm not being very attentive is that I can be quite slow in responding to other people, but I (almost) never ever forget that I still need to get back to the other person. If I feel that it might take me a long time to get back to them because I wouldn't have the metnal space in me to give them an attentive answer, then I will say that to them, that I need tot take a little bit of time.

The only person who I don't really care so much about responding to a question, request or suggestion, would be my mother. I have to admit that if she sends me some link which I have really no interest in exploring, I just won't say anything about it unless she asks me in person. Otherwise, I probably won't.

But look at me though, mister morally superior. Whilst from the human perspective I do think other people should really make some moreeffort  to be attentive to other people and give them feedback and tell them what's going on if the other person makes a request, asks something or gives a suggestion (even if that feedback is painful and uncomfortable, but as long it's at least honest from their perspective), even though I feel on a human level people do have that responsibility to be more attentive, compassionate and sympathetic, from the absolute or the higher point of view things are different.

See, I can sit here and be all angry and self-righteous at her or other people, but in the end, who is going to do that any good if I start acting that way?

I can stay stuck in the level of the human ego, feeling offended and projecting my sense of what 'should be' onto others, and being angry at them for them not holding themselves to that standard, or I can own up to the fact that this situation triggers some pain in me, and be keen in transforming and working through this pain so that the pain that was already there (but just below the surface), now has an opportunity to come into the light of my consciousness and be healed.

So whilst on the level of the human ego I'm a bit triggered and offended by the fact that she doesn't respect my vulnerable and daring experimental way of behaving, that she doesn't show compassion for the fact that still have to learn a lot and that I'm certainly not yet complete, from the higher viewpoint I can even feel a little bit of gratitude that this situation occured because it gives me an opportunity to grow and to gain more depth as a person

But let's just wait and see if maybe she actually does get back to me

Edited January 10, 2020 by Nightwise

[Nightwise]

Tuesday January 14th to Wednesday January 15th

Once again, there's a lot of things I could write about regarding all that has happened the last couple of days, but really, I just want to stick what's on my mind right now. I don't really care too much of some things get lost and forgotten because I didn't write it down. 

For those who are interested, I wrote a nice little article on facebook about why atheism and rationalism is in fact ironically irrational. In this article, I cover how people delude themselves by thinking that Truth is about hard, objective facts, based on 'evidence' taken from the physical world

https://justpaste.it/1mhxf

actually, I think that's all I wanna say today. But to give a heads up: the main topic of past couple of days has been music, but also a bit of sexuality.

[Nightwise]

Wednesday January 15th to Thursday January 16th

Let's talk a bit about suicide and suicidality, shall we?

I had wanted to write an essay about this and post it here on the actualized.org forums, but I have forsaken that plan, at least for now, because I had both lost the inspiration to write that essay any further (I had already started it), and it also felt to be a bit more controversial and intense than I really felt comfortable with. It simply didn't feel right to post it. The insights and arguments I used in that essay, and the way I was going to convery them, can be very frightening to certain people because I addressed there some of the worst and darkest human fears, and also one of the greatest taboos and collective delusions. The final conlusion, however, is a hopeful and positive one.

I'm going to talk about it now anyway, so buckle up and read it at your own risk, or otherwise just don't read it at all. I'm not going to be as provocative or intense as I was going to be in that essay, though.

Okay

Sometimes I read these stories of people having suffered from major depressive episodes, and/or forms of anxiety, and/or all other kinds of mental problems, and having been through a long time of all this sometimes intense suffering, they end up committing suicide.

And when I read something like that, I can't help to wonder why this person allowed him/herself to be in such a position of this state of deep suffering for so many years?

It's one of the things I fail to really grasp about other people: Why are some people willing to encounter massive amounts of suffering and still aren't willing to actually put an end to it for years and years, and sometimes even decades? (It's not essential here whether 'putting an end to it' means suicide or changing their life around)

I can understand it from a superficial intellectual position, but I can't really resonate with the attitude of these kind of people at all. Like really, you've been going through bouts of deep depression and despair for like 10 years straight, and still you don't think that perhaps it's time to make some drastic changes in your life? No? 10 years of torment still isn't sufficient enough? Need some more? 

Well, you'll get more. What else do you expect to happen? Do you think some miracle will take place in your life and overnight all of this suffering will be miraculously abolished? You're not Eckhart Tolle!

It perplexes me...

I understand what these people are doing though. Most likely they are addicted to some or many forms of distraction so that they do not have to face their own emotions and their fears. They avoid the existential yet rather necessary questions that they would need to ask to themselves if they truly want to put a stop to their suffering, because asking those questions would mean they would have to confront very frightening possibilities.

So what they do is that they are willing to settle for a long-term terrible life prospect so that they don't have to face some even more intense short-term pain and suffering that comes with confronting your inner demons. 

But of course, if you do gather the courage and confront the demons, it will be your first step out of that nightmare you have found yourself in.

But some people are just too afraid. Ironically, the one thing they truly should fear is their cowardice, because their cowardice is the reason they have found themselves in that position and the reason they will stay stuck in it. From a rational standpoint, there is nothing to be more afraid of for them than their cowardice.

But of course, it's not like many of these people haven't tried to change their lives at multiple points, but they have failed the commitment to stick with it.

You can address multiple reasons to why that has failed, but one way you can put it is that the primary reason that they have failed to commit to changing their lives, is the fact that it wasn't obvious enough to them that they absolutely HAD to.

This is how it all changed for me. When I started having intense panic attacks in early 2013, at some point I started having this very painful but very intense sense of urgency. I realized that if I allowed myself to be a coward for just even a second, then how I was I ever going to have peace with the fact that I had been living life less than what was optimal?

This awareness and this urgency was so clear and so sharp, that awareness that something HAD to be done, that it kind of felt like having a black hole right behind my back and that if I did allow myself to be a coward for even one second, I was going to be sucked up by this black hole, and this black hole would take me straight to the deepest layer of hell.

That's how it felt sometimes back then.

For me it was just very clear (at least so I thought at the time) that there was no rational argument as to why I would allow myself to be controlled by fear, and I didn't see how I was going to forgive myself had I allowed myself to succumb to fear.

On top of that, I also had a strong sense that if I allowed myself to believe in one excuse, then why not the second excuse, or the third excuse? I was using an audio program for overcoming panic attacks at the time in which the guy really emphasized the importance of taking action, and he also told about people who didn't overcome it because they weren't willing to face their fears. I back then had not estimate as to how courageous I really was or wasn't in comparison to other people suffering from anxiety attacks, so I absolutely dreaded the possibility of me failing to live up to the challenge and sliding back into this hell realm that I was struggling to get myself out of. For me, that possibility seemed very real and I wanted to do absolutely everything I possibly could in order to try to prevent that.

Having that been the start of the beginning of my awakening process, I now find it so difficult to understand why other people who from an outer viewpoint appear to be going to similair or even worse struggles, how other people like that do not feel this intense sense of urgency to change.

And so when I see people like that, I can only wonder: Do they not realize? Do they not care enough? Isn't it obvious enough to them?

Those people might say about themselves that they simply lack the willpower, or the courage or whatever. They might even start believing that they're a hopeless case.

But I will say differently: They simply don't understand. It's not clear enough to them.

Because actually, the urgency isn't even so much about needing to improve and change their life around, but it's about putting a stop to all of it, in whatever means possible.

All it takes is one honest moment for such a person and to admit to themselves: This NEEDS to stop. In whatever way possible, this absolutely NEEDS to stop.

And yes, maybe they'll come to the decision that the idea of changing their life around and rising out of their misery isn't worth it for them, or perhaps they may think it's not even possible (for them), and they end up committing suicide.

And you know what? To me, that's absolutely fine.

It's fine because at least they finally made a conscious decision to face death.

To improve your life for the better by working really hard on yourself and to rise out of it is also facing death, and you could argue that perhaps that would be the better decision, but whether it's suicide or dedicated self-actualization, at least they FINALLY, FUCKING FINALLY put a stop to all of it.

You see my sentiment here? If someone puts an end to their torment that may have been going on for years or even decades by committing suicide... Good for them. At least they finally made that decision to face death. All I truly care about for those people is for them to be relieved from their struggle, whatever route they may take to get to that point.

I don't really hold judgement against people who commit suicide. I do feel like there was potential for more for them in this life and in that way it's perhaps a bit unfortunate, but hey, perhaps in a next life they will choose good circumstances to incarnate (if that's actually what happens, idk for sure) and maybe they will give a much better shot at it this time.

 

I don't really like the way people regard suicide as 'tragic'.

Because this whole notion of it being 'tragic' creates such a taboo around this topic, just as there is a taboo about death in general in the west.

One can start feeling very guilty towards their own suicidal feelings because they are both feeling guilty towards themselves for wasting their potential, and towards others (relatives and friends and so forth) for hurting them by that person choosing to commit suicide.

People get conditioned that suicidal feelings are not okay, although people may not directly say it that way to them.

So people hide it, both from others and from themselves.

But just because you're hiding it doesn't mean you become less suicidal.

In fact, the very guilt creates an inner conflict between the death drive within them that wants a release from their suffering on one side, and both their fear of death and the guilt they feel on the other side.

And ironically, because the person starts fighting against the suicidalit feelings and thoughts because they are 'unwished for', the more that person reinforces their guilt, starts creating more inner struggle, making them more miserable, and because they are more miserable, suicide becomes even more attractive as a for of release from it all. In fact, it becomes a form of hope.

Many people are too afraid to fully commit to life because they fantasize about suicide as an option. "If all else fails, I can always still simply end my life".

If you romanticize and put your hopes suicide (even if you do it unconsciously), then how can you expect such a person to really go all-in on life?

It won't happen.

It won't happen because people don't get anywhere if they half-ass something.

Full determination can only happen if the alternative is not considered as an option anymore (actually, this is not true at higher stages of consciousness. But I'd say for most people that that statement is true).

What do you think you are going to achieve if the option of suicide is always in the back of your mind? You will lack devotion, because you are not fully sure of yourself that this is really want you want to be doing.

When I was getting out of my panic attacks in 2013, suicide, for some reason I still don't really know for sure, is just something I didn't even want to consider for a single second. The idea of it just seemed so dreadful, that I couldn't even permit myself a single second of fantasizing on the possibility.

Because of that reason, I HAD to go all-in on life. And therefore, I've gotten to the point I've gotten to now where I've grown tremendously in the past 7 years (although my attitude has shifted quite a bit over the course of these 7 years, but that's a different story)

I understand that not every person automatically has this commitment right from the start. Maybe not everybody sees suicide as something that is not an option for themselves in the way I felt it. Maybe in some way, I was fortunate.

If I can't invoke a feeling of commitment and devotion in a person even if I really clearly explain that not making a decision in their position is not going to give them a better life than they already had, then certainly there are more alternatives.

One thing I can do is try to take away their suicidal guilt. Much of the suicidal feelings come from the fact that the person feels guilty about the suicidal feelings to begin with. It's a vicious circle.

I will explain to them why they don't have to feel guilty towards other people for it ("It might be a relief to them", "It may take them on a new path, a new journey to find out the meaning of their lives", "It may confront them with the truth of death, which isn't comfortable, but in the end, truth is inevitably going to be faced so merely acclerate the process for them")

I would also take away the guilt they feel towards themselves for the idea that they're a coward for doing it or wasting their own potential ("What do you mean it's weak? Do you realize how much courage it takes to face death like that?", "Why should you have any obligations to fulfill to actualize your potential? Where is this responsibility other than your own ideas about it? Why should you not be able to be a coward?")

"Won't that make them more likely to commit suicide then?", you may ask.

It's possible, but probably not. Besides, whether they do or don't end up committing suicide is not the point, remember?

If you can relieve someone from the guilt they carry around their suicidal feelings, you will take away a large part of their suffering, and therefore a large part of their suicidality.

Imagine if this person actually gets it and suddenly becomes completely okay with the idea of them committing suicide. But I say completely okay with the idea.

You might not realize the relief that this actually invokes.

I had an awakening on the topic of suicide in november 2018 whilst I was on a trip (not a pyschedelic trip) in Switzerland.

I actually had been suicidal in 2017 (You might be curious as to how and why that happened. You can find more details on that on the justpaste.it link in the very first post of this thread)

And in november 2018, I wasn't actively suicidal, depressed or desperate or anything, but there was this sort of strange fear that I might end up committing suicide at one point in the future, and i dreaded the idea.

Will edit this further later. Need to take some rest now.

[Nightwise]

Continuation of the previous post (typed only 10 days later lel)

Until at some point whilst traveling back to the airbnb in Germany just over the border north of Basel (I had explored Basel that day), the thought suddenly came in that… What if it’s all just okay?

What if committing suicide is not tragic? What if I stop saying to myself that it’s not okay to do it? What if I stop thinking of suicide as a failure of life? What If I completely give myself a free pass to be able to do it?

And suddenly I realized that perhaps the idea that suicide was something to be avoided was simply not true.

And this realization evoked such a tremendous feeling of peace and relief in me. I suddenly felt like there was absolutely no requirements for me anymore on at least the level of action that life required from me. I suddenly felt such an immense feeling of relief and elation, and… freedom.

Yes, that’s what it was. Total freedom. The freedom to be and do whatsoever you want. The feeling that every possible outcome was totally okay.

And the interesting thing is, with this feeling of elation and freedom and peace, then who the hell feels interested to commit suicide in that state? For what? That’s the great paradox.

Total acceptance of the idea of suicide creates total peace, and in total peace, nobody is really interested in taking their own lives. That’s why I promote people accepting their suicidality. Not even so much because then they won’t commit suicide, but because then it will take them out of their suicidal struggles. They then will come to know what peace is, if they really fully grasp this realization.

I have however heard of sages who choose suicide whilst being very conscious. Perhaps it’s just them being able to leave the body at will without needing to hang or shoot themselves or whatever, but it’s the same concept. There may be a way to choose your own death that does not involve or is based on a lot of despair.

But for one to have this realization that I had, one has to let go of many assumptions.

1. One has to let go of the assumption that you would do harm to friends and relatives.

You do harm them, but that does not mean that that harm would be a wrong thing if you look from the perspective of the absolute. It may trigger existential questioning in them which would help them to evolve quicker on their own path.

2. One has to let go of the assumption that you would face some kind of punishment for committing suicide, or that it otherwise would be a bad thing. I’m talking about either the creation of karmic debt, or the idea that religion has about ending up in hell.

3. Related to the point above (but not the same), one also has to let go of the idea that committing suicide is a wastage of life and therefore some form of sin.

I don’t think I really wanna talk about why the idea of something like a geographical hell is totally irrational and how it has been used to manipulate people by invoking fear in them. I feel like this doesn’t require too much deep introspection, research and contemplation for one to come to the insight that the idea of hell is very much based on fear instead of truthfulness.

But the idea that you would face karmic punishment or that otherwise just the general attitude that committing suicide is some form of sin or wastage, is one I want to address.

From an atheistic standpoint, if a moment is all that one would be, then why should it matter if it ends sooner or later? There is only sentimental attachments to life, but no real valid reason as to why one shouldn’t be able to commit suicide. Atheists may get this sense of being a failure or having ‘wasted’ their lives if they commit suicide, but this idea doesn’t really hold much ground. It’s more about the story they tell themselves about what suicide means. But in reality, it holds no true ground. And even if you’re a failure for ending your own life, then simply be a failure. What does it matter if you’re a failure or not, taken in the perspective that you are literally nothing n comparison to the infinite scope of existence. What does one more failure really signify? One may come to take the sentiment of not wanting to hurt others again, but again, just because they are hurt by your suicide, doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t necessarily be for the greater good, as it provokes things and puts pressure to evolve on people.

And for the one that believes in reincarnation, karmic punishment or retribution or whatever… Well, taking in the scope if the totality of existence… Why do we suffer in the first place? Why would we struggle in the first place? Is putting an end to suffering —the whole wheel of suffering throughout the reincarnations— as quickly as possible really the ultimate ideal? Do we just experience suffering to get rid of it as quickly as possible? Then why are we here experiencing suffering in the first place?

That is even assumed that there would be some karmic drawback to committing suicide, and that it additionally would increase the total sum of suffering you would come to experience throughout your incarnations. And do we really know that that is true?

Perhaps when one commits suicide, one chooses to do so because one sees the circumstances in his current incarnation (on an unconscious level) as unfit to continue with that incarnation, and therefore chooses to commit suicide so one can choose once again to reincarnate in a different set of circumstances that would be much more ideal for the continuation of his/her spiritual development. Possibly suicide can even be a wise choice to make. Who knows?

But I don’t except most people to be able to have the realization to the same extent that I had because most people are too attached to some assumption or judgement about what suicide means for them, and what suicide means n the larger context of things. For most people, I think I would clarify to them both what valid reasons there can be to take their own lives, and what reasons there can be to fully commit to life, and then I would allow them to make the choice. I think for most people in a suicidal position, it requires a commitment and a very deliberate act of will to get out of it (in whatever way they choose to get out of it).

For some other people, it may require them to very deliberately try to fully accept all of their circumstances and their negative feelings and just make ‘trying to let go and accept’ their practice. I feel almost tempted to call them the ‘power of now-people’.

Of course, trying to let go isn’t the same as actually letting go, as they may not be able to actually fully let go through insight and realization, but it may take them further along their path.

For some other people, perhaps their appropriate primary focus is doing a lot of introspection and contemplation about what it all means, what’s life all about, how suicide fits into the picture… They perhaps need some time to ‘figure it all out’, to really think about the most fundamental questions of existence.

And once again for some other people, they simply fully understand the insight that I had had when I was in/near Basel in Switzerland in 2018. They realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with suicide. These people come to experience that if there is no reason to fear death, that it simultaneously allows them to fully dive into life also without any struggle. Life opens up to them. One can only be fully alive if one has fully let go of either the desire or fear of death. People who on some conscious or unconscious level either desire or fear death (usually both), can never come to know what it means to be fully alive.

Granted, this realization that I had in Switzerland isn't something that became fully embodied on a permanent basis —I'm certainly not fully enlightened yet (if ever)— but the realization did have a tremendous impact nevertheless and it is probably the most impactful insight that I've ever had.

Edited January 26, 2020 by Nightwise

[Nightwise]

Saturday January 25th

Just went to a public sauna. I noticed that it triggered some things in me.

Seeing many naked women makes me feel in a way uncomfortable. I suppose it still has to do a lot with sexually repressed energy.

I also felt a bit uncomfortable glancing at myself in the mirror. I have a bit of a pot belly. Seeing the other men there, I am certainly not the only one, and I certainly don't have the biggest belly, but of course you have the tendency to exaggerate your own imperfections, or what you judge as 'imperfections'.

And I also noticed that I started judging myself for not wanting to confront the cold water there. I really don't come for the 'official' sauna routine. I am just there to chill and relax a bit in the hot tubs.

I have for some reason a bit of fear for cold water. I don't like the idea of for instance jumping (or even stepping) into a cold pool at all. Only the idea makes me feel really uncomfortable. I can only imagine what drowning in an icy lake must feel like... I don't even want to imagine. 

As a form of retribution for what I felt to be some form of cowardice, I stepped into one of the cold showers. The interesting thing was that it wasn't even a matter of gathering courage. For some reason, I found myself just hauling straight into it with no hesitation. Probably because I wasn't trying to make it a challenge or a goal, but it was more of a deeper sense of responsibility.

It's interesting because I'm not very used to overcoming challenges like that. in the past, I usually had to spend many many minutes gathering courage, sometimes even surpassing the hour mark on rare occassions. I can pride myself in the fact that in the end I always did it, but such situations were totally different than this sort of no-mind, no-hesitation form of just hauling myself straight into it.

I guess the only way I would've been able to do that if it was coming from a deeper place.

And it's not to say that I was very courageous because I did that. You are courageous if you overcome a challenge despite of your fears or anxieties. In this instance, in the moment itself there wasn't as much fear —certainly not enough to stop me in my tracks— so therefore you can't say that there was that much courage either.

Honestly, it may also have had to do with the fact that at that same moment there was a pretty girl also in that shower and I didn't want to look stupid or otherwise creepy by hesitating and dabbling in front of her. Thinking about it, I probably would've dabbled or hesitated if it wasn't for her presence.

This whole trip to the sauna got me thinking about my warriorhood. The sexual frustrations and disturbances got me thinking about if I perhaps should work harder at dealing with them. The pot belly got me thinking about why I am not going to the gym anymore/more often. The fear of cold water and my initial unwillingness to deal with it reminded me of my cowardice.

And it all got me thinking about what has happened to the warrior in me.

What happened to this guy, thinking primarily about 2013, who used to push himself to the limit to try and approach a girl, pushing thorugh massive amouns of approach anxiety. The guy who tried to force himself in very painful leg positions whilst meditating because I thought I had to. The guy who never accepted a cowardice choice as an option and who had military discipline on some matters. What happened to that guy?

Of course, I have gained a lot of wisdom in between now and then. I have come to understand that just because you are being 'courageous' and challenging yourself, that it's not always the right thing to be doing.

But sometimes I miss that warrior, and I wonder where he's at. Sometimes I long for him, because I become somewhat ashamed in indulging so much.

Is it true that he's truly gone? Well, not really. I use my warrior for instance to basically force myself to brush my teeth right before sleeping where I rather just doze off into a comfortable slumber, or to get up whilst I'm still sleepy because I have a certain appointment. I have also used my warrior lately to create a structure of trying to practice guitar and singing every single day at a certain time (something I've stopped doing again recently). And also some time ago, like 1-3 months ago, I also used that warrior to take up certain challnges for myself with a to-do list.

He's not gone, but he wants a proper amount of rest. He only wants to act if he really feel like acting up is the right thing to do.

It's about conviction. If I can't convince myself fully that I should do something, then there is just no way it's going to stick, or even get started.

For instance the idea that I should be working out... Well, I can do it, but with what energy? With what motivation? I can tell myself a story about how it would be good for me, but I know I have counterarguments that can be equally convincing as why I shouldn't do it. And even if the reasons seem solid enough to not doubt it (which I feel rarely every happens anymore, if at all), then still argumentation alone does not provide enough power of conviction for me to be able to be sold with the idea and to actually get myself to do it.

I've talked about it before, that there needs to be a certain space, a certain opening for me to be able or willing to do it. There has to be some form of intrinsic motivation, some energy that comes from deeper. If the energy comes from the (ego-)mind alone, it's not enough. It has to hit something deeper, otherwise it just won't go.

Yeah, so I have a pot belly, I'm maybe slightly fat, but at the sauna complex I realized that I just really need to stop judging myself for it. I am what I am. Call it fat, or chubby, or call it whatever you want. But I realized that taking another glance at the mirror as if the chubbyness was suddenly going to disappear if I were to look again or something... That doing that wasn't going to serve me anymore at all. I don't know why I have allowed myself to judge myself in the mirror that way for so long.

So at the sauna complex, I just started using this 'stop-technique' to stop the momentum of me wanting to judge myself for that, and I really wanted to make a start at just completely letting go of needing to have any particular body whatsoever.

For me it also helps to see if I can get some rational argumentation as to why being a bit chubby or having a good-sized belly may perhaps not be so unhealthy after all.

I have an intuition that being a little bit chubby or having a big belly may not be so unhealthy after all. In fact, many great sages have far from a lean, muscular body. You can take for instance a look at the body of sri ramana maharsi. Not particularly a very impressive shape that he has. Yet, he is seen as one of the greatest saints that has ever lived, living in deep peace and bliss with existence.

And I feel that for instance the laughing buddha statues, of a big, fat buddha, also depict that being fat is not the same as being imperfect.

Having a big belly feels to be a bit more sensual. It also feels to me that it makes me a bit more centered, a bit more grounded. I haven't been able to find proper scientific research on this so far or even empirical documentation or even suggestions (to be fair, I haven't searched that deeply), but I feel like it holds some truth to it. I have that intuitive sense.  I don't think being lean and muscular or otherwise skinny and stuff like that means that you necessarily have a healthier body. Or otherwise, it may not be worth the struggle in trying to get it.

I may hit the gym again, but I think the main priority now should be to stop trying to live up to a certain body ideal, and just feel more into what my body desires intuitively.

Part 2 (Later edit):

I'm getting a bit frustrated with this whole dating and tinder thing...

The thing is... it appears that women generally have very little openness and willingness to yield for dating a man who expresses his sensitive and vulnerable side right off the bat.

It appears that generally speaking women desire to date a man who seems powerful and strong and assertive.

And it puts me in a bind...

Because I feel like I have the capacity to be strong —especially when it comes to protecting boundaries— but at the same time I don't feel pleasant with the idea that I were to express only the side that women would like to see.

This R. woman I had been talking about some time back, this 37-year old... Well we have been continuing our conversation. She's been a bit slow with responding, partially because she is/appears to be busy, but she has been responding and I gotta give props to her for always getting back at me. Only so far she has not shown a real eagerness to meet, or she at least hasn't as of yet agreed to my proposals to meet up.

One thing she mentioned was the she appreciated my authenticity and that with this authenticity I would much easier attract other women.

And I didn't like that comment, because I feel like it's not true. In fact, I think such advice can be very harmful to men.

Women from a biological standpoint are not sexually attracted to sweet, sensitive souls.

I had some gay fantasies last week (yes I know, that's a curveball, right?), and in those fantasies I fantasized about being the submissive male. I got some enjoyment out of the idea that I was the one that would fully surrender and yield into the desires of others. I wanted to in a way feel like I was the woman in the situation. And with those fantasies it became also clear to me that the idea of encountering a man who was insecure and a sweet sensitive soul, wasn't going to be an appealing idea at all. I wanted a man who would be very assertive and would know how to take charge and lead.

I get that women want the alpha male. I feel like there certainly is some alpha male within me. I feel like that's authentically somewhere a part of me. At the same time, I don't want to hide the fact that I am insecure about some matters. I really value open and honest communication with one another, in which we don't play games and we have nothing to hide and we still respect and love each other despite all of it.

When I initially opened up tinder for the first time in a long time a couple of months ago, I created a profile that had the profile picture that I have now on this forum (it might be a different one at the time you're reading this, basically the profile picture to my idea represents me showing power and strength with my facial expression and my somewhat fierce gaze), and that profile picture alongside a description that I wasn't interested in women not wanting to respond to me ("if you're not willing to respond to me, please swipe left"). I took a very firm and assertive stance there. And in this way, I got quite a couple of likes and eventually matches also.

And now I have created a profile in which I show a (first) profile picture which doesn't look as strong and powerful as the one I'm using here on the forum right now, and a description that is less assertive and shows a bit more sensitivity, and now I don't seem to be getting these likes anymore.

And neither profiles are necessarily inauthentic. They're just different parts of me

All of this just puts me in a certain conflict... I don't feel like being very open and honest is in my case rewarding, because I also have to open up about my insecurities and women don't feel attracted to a man who doesn't showcase strength, but at the same time it's like I almost can't help myself but to be frank and sincere about the fact that I'm not just all that powerful all the time.

So... Do I have to start playing a role to get my desires met? Again, I don't feel like taking on such a role is necessarily something that I would be unable to do (or perhaps I would be unable to, who knows?), but I don't want to feel like I would have to hide another part of myself —my sensitive, insecure side— in order to be effective.

I want someone who accepts me for the totality for who I am, not just a part of me.

I also strongly dislike the fact that many women appear to be so reluctant to just taking a dive into the deep and decide to meet up straight from the bat, without first trying to gauge what the other person would be like using online means.

But that's my attitude. I don't like the whole online play because it is prone to so many projections and judgements. If we get to meet each other in real life, we will get a much better impression of each other and there wlll be no or very little margin for pretensions.

Because I haven't really actually dated anyone so far in my life (except once over 6 years ago), my assessment of that I would be a lot more succesful meeting each other in real life, might be an incorrect assessment. I imagine that it would be far more successful than trying to attract someone online, but I don't really know this for sure because I don't really have the experience to be able to back up such a statement.

And to be fair, when I said that I felt that many women are reluctant to taking that dive into the deep and are willing to instantly meet up, this also wasn't based so much on actual experience. I feel like from many years ago when I was still trying to date back in 2013 that this assessment was probably true, but I don't remember it so well anymore. But to be fair, I also was a much different person then. Basically I actually haven't really proposed to anyone to meet up right off the bat in a long, long time.

I'm actually gonna have to try it like that. I will just write this: "Hey I don't really like all this online chatting thing. I feel like we can get both a much quicker and better impression of who we are if we were to actually meet up. How about we have a drink somewhere?"

That would put my theory to the test.

It may seem like I'm failing a whole lot in this trying to attract women thing, but honestly, there is not so much you can actually fail if you don't try that much. I am very slow in wanting to take action in this process. I have a match with a girl that I quite like on one of my phones, but I haven't contacted her because I had still been continuing the chatting process with this R. woman I had been talking about, and I just haven't felt the openness to be willing to contact this other girl as well.

I just feel like there's a lot of inner work I have to do in between before I am willing to take the next step. I could be far more scrutinous and proactive in trying to date other women. I just feel like I need to take the time for it, and develop myself psychologically into it as well.

I'm just going to have to experiment with it a little bit. I think it's probably best to be initially a lot more assertive and come across as strong, and once we get to actually meet that at that point I will also show that I have a lot more sensitivity to me. But I think it's important to show her first that I do have this masculine assertive power and strength, and that once she knows what I'm capable of, that at that point I will show my vulnerability.

That's the way Elliot Hulse had put it: "Once she knows what darkness you're capable of, then, show your light"

But... I might be deluding myself by saying that I do have this assertive strength and that I know how to use it. I might just be befooling myself.

I know I have strength in defense. I know based from experience how to say "No!". I know how to protect my boundaries. I know how to be direct and sincere and even blunt. I am not shy to speak the truth as to how I see it, or at least I know I'm capable of doing so in the right circumstances. I know I have these powers within me, because I have used them before so I have the experience to back it up.

But do I have strength in what you could call 'offense'? That basically means: Do I know how to take charge? Do I know how to lead? Am I capable of making decision for us both without being insecure about what she wants? Am I willing and capable of deciding the direction of our relationship? And even if I would be able to, would I want to do that? Would it feel appropriate? And if I don't want to do that (or am not able to), how will she react to that?

These are all questions which are hopefully all going to be clarified in 2020.

Edited January 25, 2020 by Nightwise

[Nightwise]

If you haven't seen it, I edited my last two posts some time after I have posted my last post. What this means is that if you have looked at my thread 0 to 9 hours after I posted (but not edited) my last post, you will not have seen those yet, as editing a post does not update the activity of your thread in the subforums menu.

Sunday January 26th to Monday January 27th

I want to talk about girls, dating, women, sexuality...

I notice that sometimes I get resentful, envious, angry, possibly even somewhat hateful when I think about all the women who have in a subtle (as in disappearing/ignoring) or not-so-subtle way rejected me over the course of the past.

I resent them for being pretentious and hypocritical

I resent them for not being honest

I resent them for not being direct

I resent them for being prudish and not being promiscuous

I resent them for not being open-minded and adventurous

I resent them for being prejudiced and judgmental

I resent them for not being tolerant and sympathethic towards me making mistakes

I resent them for not being reliable

And I resent them just in general for not having a lot of integrity

 

One of the things that bothers me the most is the real-life/online contradiction.

In real life, women often seem sweet and juicy and lovely, and they're great to communicate with (although flirting may be a different thing)

Online though, using services such as tinder, the primary thing they're lacking is fidelity, staunchness, adherence, characterized mostly by 'silently disappearing' or ignoring you.

It frustrates me because it doesn't give me any feedback as to what it was that made her get turned off a little bit. On top of that, it triggers me because it goes against my own values.

But I have to be fair here: What I just have written was all on an emotional notice. I wanted to vent off some anger, but I am not adhering to objectivity.

 

My ultimate fantasy of how I would like a woman to be like in a relationship is a woman who gives me feedback, a woman who invites me to come closer to her, a woman who has compassion, patience and respect for the fact that I have some vulnerabilities. A woman who I can be real and honest with, including all my less desirable traits, and that she still loves me for how I am. A woman who i feel I don't have to put up a certain front for in order for her to be attracted to me.

I want a real and honest relationship in which we don't only show the sides to one another that is attractive to the other. but where we accept each other for it as such. I don't want a relationship in which the woman only is attracted to me if I act like the alpha male.

I'm just not interested in games. I'm not interested in bullshit. I'm not interested in only seeing each other through our projections. I'm not interested in only showcasing one part of myself to attract the other. I'm not interested in trying to manipulate a girl into liking me by following the rules of biological attraction. I'm not interested in sticking to social rules as to how a relationship should form. 

And I have said all of this on my tinder profile in a similair way before, and it turned out to be quite effective. But what bothers me is that it seems that I can't really go the other way: That I expose not my assertive side, but my more sensitive side and that I won't be able to get nearly the same amount of likes for as far as I've been able to see it.

There is a strong voice in me that says: "I want you to like or at least respect all of me, not just this part of me!".

That's why I feel reluctant to go with what's effective, even if what's effective is also simultaneously true. Because what I would be expressing may be accurate as to how I am, but it's not the totality of me. 

And that's why I tend to rebel by putting up a profile that shows a lot more of my vulnerable side, or communicating in that way, because I don't want to get attached to this fear that as soon as I deviate from a particular type of behaviour, that I would lose them.

But the question is, what do I really desire more at this moment? The correct type of girl to be with, the ultimate 'dream girl' who instantly accepts me totally and has a lot of integrity, or just some girl(s) to have some fun with?

Considering that the first option seems to be such a struggle to find such a woman, I feel tempted to just now go for girls who may not have a lot of depth and integrity, but who you are able to have a good time with.

But I want to get over my anger of them not having integrity as well.

I could just decide to act out of anger and start being commandeering and enforcing towards girls, making them follow my command no matter what. And I know that that could work, because this is what many 'assholes' are doing around the world, and they are quite popular with girls, although maybe not for very pure reasons. What they do have, is this strong assertive masculine side that girls are biologically attracted to.

So I could turn into that guy, acting out of a lot of anger, resentment and hatred towards girls for them not being reliable and honest and not being of integrity. I could turn that anger into a driving force to start basically commanding girls and almost forcing them to do what I want them to do.

But I don't think I want to turn into that guy...

Instead, I want to ask myself: Do I need them to have integrity? Can it be okay for them to not have integrity and still love them as they are? Do I need them to have the same values as I have? In fact, is their way of behaving really worse than my way of behaving? Is acting through your emotions and sentimentalities instead of being guided by principles objectively speaking a worse way of acting? Is maybe their way of handling situations also not valid? Do I really know for sure that sticking to my ideal of integrity truly makes me a better person?

It doesn't help to sit here being all angry and self-righteous. I doesn't help me to start judging everyone for (what appears to be) not having integrity. It doesn't help me to start indulging in hatred and envy and jealousy and so on...

I want to keep my heart open, despite of the shit that gets thrown my way. Despite the unfairness I may come to encounter. Despite me desiring to give and give and getting nothing or perhaps even negativity in return.

And the fact that I have the tendency to become bitter, angry, judgemental and self-righteous myself, shows that perhaps I may not be as virtuous as I would like to see myself.

As soon as you start becoming angry and bitter and resentful and self-righteous for other people not having a lot of integrity, and allowing yourself to indulge in these emotions, you are becoming exactly what you resent. That's the point. I am not making the world a better place whatsoever if I start becoming what I resent other people for.

Sometimes I have fantasies that in the future I have sorted myself out and that I would be desired by a lot of women, and then I fantasize that women who have rejected me in the past come to know about it, and that I then will reject them, making them feel regret for having rejected me in the past. 

But I need to stop these kind of fantasies too.

It's not going to help me to feel like I am the one with the superior morale. it's not going to help anyone if I start aiming for revenge or fantasizing about it.

I want to be able to love and appreciate others despite of their shortcomings, despite of their sometimes potentially very disrespectful way of acting.

I want to love the women I'm going to date. I want to respect them. I want to be interested in them. I want to appreciate them in all that they are. I want to be able to forgive them if they don't treat me well. I want to forgive them if they abandon me. I want to forgive them if they don't repay the love that I want to give to them. I don't want to carry hatred if they do some really nasty stuff to me. I want to love them even if they are very superficial in their judgements towards me. I want to love them if they don't respect me opening up to them and showing my vulnerabilities, and even if they use it against me.

I want to keep my heart open no matter what.

At the same time, I indeed would like to have some experiences with women, and I feel like I therefore need to acknowledge as to what's effective and what's not effective.

And showing more assertiveness and dominance is generally more effective in attracting women, especially when it comes to online scenarios such as Tinder.

Yes, I could stick to me expressing my vulnerable side only or primarily, but I do have to acknowledge that I will be much less effective in doing so, and I simply will have to accept that not have initial tolerance for showing vulnerability is simply the way that most women are, despite them often telling otherwise.

People are often saying: "Just be yourself and women will be attracted to you!".

And I say that that is bullshit in most cases.

For many guys, when they hear this advice, it is very harmful to them.

Because the way they are is in fact not attractive at all, and the reason is that they have a lot of psychological issues and unresolved traumas that they have never come to resolve.

And they lack discipline, they lack fortitude, they lack potency...

Their way of trying to accept themselves as they are is just an egoic excuse for them to stay in apathy and feel like it's okay.

Many guys in our society today, especially younger guys, need to become men.

And they become men by challenging themselves, by overcoming obstacles, by disciplining themselves, by for instance approaching women on the street, by following movements such as RSD (Real Social Dynamics), or by studying people like Elliot Hulse.

These boys need to change into men, and they need to do it by developing a warrior attitude, by challenging and disciplining themselves, and by overcoming many fears and obstacles by using their courage.

"Being yourself is attractive". No, it's not true. Being your higher self perhaps is attractive, bust most people don't have access to their higher self, so then the self that is being acted out is the lower self, is the egoic self.

'Being yourself' at best means to not be pretentious. But even pretentiousness I feel can have its place in human evolution. Sometimes I feel the statement 'fake it till you make it' has some validity to it. This applies in particular to soft and weak men (or I should say boys).

Yes, there is a time to be yourself, and there is a time where that idea of 'being yourself' is harmful because you need to change. One could actually say that then the true meaning of 'being yourself' also means your wish to change yourself. Wanting to change yourself can also mean 'being yourself', and the wish to change yourself can also be viewed as part of yourself.

Some time ago I was browsing through Tinder and I saw a profile of a woman in like her late 30's, and she said something like: "I don't want any weak, sweet and sensitive guys. I want a succesful, confident man who knows what he's doing".

I don't quite remember exactly what she said anymore, but it was clear that she was not interested in soft and vulnerable guys.

Intitially her profile made me a little bit angry, making me think: "Well fine then! You will never get to know what it means to have a deep  emotional connection with someone if you don't allow the other to be vulnerable, and you will probably ony end up with an asshole".

I initially felt that resentment, but the I thought to myself: "Well, at least she's being honest". 

And I found this resentment towards her turning into a feeling of respect.

Because at least she's sincere. At least she's direct. At least she's not a hypocrite. At least she's not pretending that she's attracted to men who are 'themselves', or that she wants to seek a bunch of qualities in a man that are projections of a conditioned mind but are in reality not what she truly desires.

I respect this woman, because at least she tells it how it is. I like that directness, that frankness.

Having said all of this, what does this all mean for me?

Well... I value both being able to be sincere and being able to actually be effective.

Sticking to the idea that I can only represent myself from my vulnerable side may seem noble, but there is some potential for this to be coming mainly from a place of ego as well.

Because you can be doing it out of a sort of mule-headedness. You can be doing it out a sort of stubborn anger, that you 'don't want a woman who's only superficial', and you may create a narrative around that where you're just ironically very judgemental yourself about the way other women should be allowed to perceive you.

What I kind of feel like doing is creating a strong profile that I ought to be attractive towards women, and I will use this kind of presentation to attract them towards getting them on a date, but whilst on the date, I then will refuse to fear showing my more vulnerable side, even though I may not choose to proactively start presenting that side right off the bat.

I want to be able to combine the best of both: Setting up a certain set of behaviourisms that appear as attractive whilst (whilst also being authentic about it), yet at the same time not fear her to discover that I have a more sensitive, insecure and vulnerable side to me as well.

Basically an attitude of: I want to do what works, but at the same time I will refuse to fear showcasing my vulnerable side. 

So if she doesn't respect me for my vulnerable side and rejects me because of it, so be it.

But I feel like I only wanna showcase that side only after she knows my strength as well. And that strength is not only in apparent assertiveness, but my ability to be vulnerable without apologizing for it, without me trying to hide it, without me allowing myself to feel shame for it. And all of this is true, at least on a deeper level. There may be shame and guilt and insecurities that I come to encounter, but on a deeper level, there is a certain spirit that is able accept and own up to and speak out without any shame that this is who I am, and if you don't like it, so be it.

And I know I have that strength too.

It just requires me to accept that I can't expect perfection from others, but that despite of that, I am still willing to love and appreciate them, and I am willing to try and see if I can make it work whlst at the same time not forsaking my integrity. I am willing to draw boundaries and say 'No!' if I feel like they are taking it too far. I have that too, and I will use it where appropriate.

Edited January 27, 2020 by Nightwise

[Nightwise]

Tuesday January 28th, 08:35 (gonna work with timestamps now. Timestamp is based on when I start the post, not when I finish it. The timestamp is based on my local timezone, which is UTC/GMT +1, Amsterdam local time. Take into account that when the daylight saving time switch happens, this will become UTC/GMT +2)

I've come to realize something.

Well... Multiple things actually. Many of these realizations where also facilitated by me recently having started reading "the rational male" by Rollo Tomassi.

But one of the things I've come to realize is that I don't on an unconscious level don't consider myself to be worthy or entitled to be a woman's sexual partner.

And it should have been obvious to me before, but I suppose what blocked this realization is that I never consciously believed in the notion that I would be unworthy.

I always thought something like: "Well I may have some feelings of shame, but they mean nothing. I know that I don't have any reason to believe that I wouldn't be worth it either for myself or other people".

Basically, I always argued with myself that what I felt was insignificant and therefore I dismissed it and never really looked deeper into it.

But the fact is: I carry a lot of shame, I carry a lot of feelings of unworthiness that until now I was never really willing to really recognize.

When I think about approaching a woman even in the social circles that I know them of, I feel like that asking them on a date or to have a drink somewhere would only be weird and possibly even creepy, and that I would just be making a fool out of myself, and that I would quickly lose my status or respect to her or anyone she tells that I asked her, because I would've come across as an insecure weirdo or creep.

I moreso prefer the idea of not asking a girl out, because at least then I will still be able to come across —in my mind— as a 'normal' person. Women or other people may then still think of me as someone who can be at least to a certain degree respected and someone who has certain traits that are interesting. But as soon as I then start asking a girl out in that circle, somehow in my mind I associate it with having all the respectibility just being completely wiped, and that after that I would be too ashamed to face her or the group again. It's the feeling as if the way I have been acting before I asked that girl out would then appear as having been a facade or a pretension. I would then be exposed as a weirdo or a creep.

I know on a conscious level that none of this is rational, and it's only structures I'm building in my mind that seem very solid, but that are in reality are just made of hot-air. It may be true insofar that it can become something like a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it's not a hard, objective fact.

But it doesn't matter in regards to the way I experience it.

It had been the same when I was still doing pickup over 6 years ago. There was just massive amounts of fear, but especially shame when trying to approach that next girl, and I never really truly felt entitled to be getting their love and interest. And that's why I eventually I had to quit. I just kept hitting this wall of shame that just seemed inpenetrable no matter what I tried.

And now, this wall still seems to be here after all those years. Yeah, a lot has changed in me and my life, but this doesn't seem to have changed.

Strangely enough, I don't really feel the same way at least in the same degree or manner about being unworthy if we both already have made a previous agreement that we are both searching for the same thing. This is why I don't feel this same wall when trying to go to a prostitute or to try and get a date on tinder (although it hasn't happened so far). I however have experienced with prostitutes that this shame and discomfort is still there in the sex act, making me very mechanical and clunky as I just am not comfortable with being physical with another person, making it all rather awkward and unsatisfying.

And now the question that remains is... How do I break this wall?

I think acknowledgement and awareness of the facts is the first step. It always starts with becoming aware of it, and admitting to yourself what is going on. And in that sense, I am on the right track.

Part of this acknowledgement, I realized, is to stop the pretense that I would not be so much a beta-male as I really am.

I've always consciously or unconsciously reasoned for myself that I definitely had some masculine, alpha-traits, that I wasn't the same as those other weak beta-boys.

But the reality is, I may be in many ways just be as beta if not moreso than those beta-boys that I'm judging.

Perhaps I shouldn't even be saying this because I would be right back to ego-attachment again, but I do feel like there are some traits in me that are... not as beta. But I do think it's an accurate assessment that I generally tend to be more of a beta-male than an alpha-male, at least when it comes to things like sexuality, leadership, aggression, discipline, ambitiousness, decisiveness, the energy I often communicate, my general attitude towards life, and I would also say self-confidence, although I always used to believe that I had that, but in reality I think I was/am fairly good as coming across as confident and strong, but not actually being confident down to my core.

No, I have to admit it. I am more a beta-male than an alpha-male. Let's just stop the bullshit, stop the pretensions, stop the excuses, and just admit to the fact.

And that's why women aren't really attracted to me. I'm too soft, too sweet, too indecisive, too passive, too much a driftwood. I don't spark sexual attraction in that way. It just makes sense. I can't blame them for not feeling that.

And I think part of the reason why I feel so much of this shame when it comes to sexuality, is the fact that I don't value myself as a man.

Perhaps I also unconsciously don't value myself as a person or human being in general, I'm not sure, but I certainly don't value myself as being a man.

I don't truly believe I'm man enough to be entitled to having women be attracted to me. I don't truly believe I have enough to offer to them, at least not as far as masculine, alpha-values are concerned, which should be vital in a sexual man-woman relationship.

And in a way, I feel like there in some truth and validity in me not feeling this entitlement.

Because I lack a strong sense of purpose and direction. I lack a decisiveness. I lack the capacity to follow-through. I lack the capacity to lead and be assertive. I lack the capacity to act out a strong will and discipline on a consistent, long-term basis. I lack an outer purpose, and I lack so many masculine values.

I'm basically more female than male at this point, although my body may suggest otherwise since I have a penis and a male body figure.

I suppose my capacity for very sharp, logical reasoning and my commitment to being a person of integrity, and my commitment to Truth can be seen as masculine traits, though. I'm capable of being very logical and direct and honest in the way I think and how I express myself. At least certainly to myself.

This I do have.

Although, are integrity and commitment to Truth really masculine values? I'm not entirely sure. In women or the feminine way of being this may (or may not) also express itself strongly. Not sure.

I reckon to get past this wall of shame, a couple of things need to happen.

First, like I said, acknowledge the situation for what it is. See the fact that the wall is there, see why it is there, and see into the fact that I am certainly not as much of an alpha as I would like to believe. Awareness is always the first step, and one could say the most important step.

Secondly, perhaps it's just an idea to experiment with dropping the notion as if asking a girl out would be creepy to do. What if I just suggest to myself that it is not creepy? What if I try to sort of hypnotize myself into believing that asking a girl out is the most normal and casual thing in the world to do? What if I am capable of assuming that there is nothing weird, creepy or wrong about asking it? What if I am able to tune into that mindset?

Or what if I am able to make myself believe or to hypnotize myself into thinking that my sexuality altogether is the most normal and natural thing in the world, and that it is only perfectly natural and ordinary to be flirtatious and sexually interested in women? Because really, it actually is, but society conditions you as such to believe that it is not that normal and natural, and that it is something to be controlled or even to be ashamed of.

Thirdly, I need to get my life further together. My capacity to be able to attract women is not seperate from the way I handle myself in everyday life, and the general mindsets that I have towards life, and the general attitudes that I have towards life.

I need to work on my purpose. I need to further develop myself into music and give more discipline and structure to it, such as playing guitar and practicing singing every day. I also need to really focus on the volunteer work that I am going to do, and I need to give a lot of attention and purpose to that. Perhaps I also need to take an additional job, as to further stimulate myself to get disciplined and active.  It's probably a good idea to also work out much more than I do now and to keep my body in shape.

And I also want need to keep on doing sexuality coaching, keep on having having my monthly conversation with my life coach, and also to take on some courses, workshops and programs related to self-development and sexuality.

And as far as practice in attracting women is concerned: I certainly want to continue on Tinder and experiment there with different ways of presenting my profile. My main priority right now starts leaning towards just getting a first date, and on the first date the most reference experience and practice can be done.

I also have only yesterday signed myself up for a speed-dating event, in which I will... well... do some speed-dating. Speed-dating seems like also a very good way to do a little bit of practice and to get some reference experience. The speed-dating event is in about 3 weeks.

And I may or may not also start asking women out I know from my social circles (not talking about friends, but about those I'm seeing on work and courses and such). But that is, if I can get the psychological aspect in the right place, where it does not feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle trying to break through an inpenetrable wall, only hurting myself in the process. If I can uplift the psychological blockage to at least some reasonable degree, I might also try that.

Let's see... Anything else to say...? Nah I think that's it for now.

Edited January 30, 2020 by Nightwise

[Nightwise]

Thursday January 30th, 08:27

Let's see, where to start...

Firstly, I have decided to stop eating soy products. I was never really aware of it, but apprarenlty soy contains phytoestrogens. There are many differing opinions or whether this is harmful to one's manhood or whether it doesn't matter, but I decided to stop eating it for now, just to simply experiment with it and to find out for myself as to how it affects me. I feel like eating a lot of soy products may (or may not) be the cause of why I tend to be so passive and rather feminine so often.

I'm gonna continue to avoid it, and I'll see how it turns out.

I've also noticed that being assertive can be as much a choice as it is a psychological or hormonal predisposition. Not only acting as assertive or trying to force it in spite of your insecurities, but actually simply making the decision that: I am not going to allow myself to be insecure about this matter anymore.

I noticed this with singing. In this singing course that I am doing, I have found myself being rather insecure and anxious about my singing capacities. The same was the case when proposing to sing "breaking the habit" from Linkin park last week in this singing class, which is a very challenging song for me, where I was very insecure about it and I let the others know that I was insecure about it, but this week I decided to do it differently.

This week, I decided I wasn't going to be turbulent, hesitant, shaky, seeking permission or validation from others, always feeling the need to sort of express that I was insecure about it so it would in my mind break the charge if I actually were to sing... not so very beautifully, let's say (singing false or choking off or things in that nature)

This week, I decided to just not talk about it, not trying to seek validation or permission, not trying to protect myself from their opinions.

I just had to stop the tendency to care about what others thought about me. And this helped quite a bit, actually.

The reason that before this I had constantly been trying to seek permission and approval, is because in my mind I somewhat unconsciously believed that their approval would help me to calm down and make me less insecure.

But, as it turned out, this strategy may sometimes work, and I feel like it has worked in the beginning of when I started this singing course, but it can also potentially provide the opposite effect in another context. I feel after some time the effectiveness of expressing your vulnerabilities and insecurities started to wear off, until it come to a point where it actually started to have the opposite effect.

And then it's interesting how just deciding to not seek approval from others anymore and to just go for it and block out —or at least not as be distracted by— the opinions of others, that such a decision can simply be made like that, without much struggle or difficulty at all, and that then it makes me feel relaxed, assertive, and at ease with myself.

It's strange how it goes sometimes...

Edited January 30, 2020 by Nightwise

[Nightwise]

Wednesday February 12th 19:24

Things seem to be going quite well in my life right now. And I'm suspicious...

I haven't felt as contented as I feel now for maybe even since childhood. But I can't help this gloomy feeling that this is not going to last...

On my second and (so far) last psychedelic mushroom trip that I went on, I got encountered with the frightening vision that I would have to encounter another dark period in my life that would include hopelessness and despair. In that moment it felt like a very real vision, but looking back on it, I really have no idea what I'm meant to be thinking about it. I have no idea whether this was some vision from a higher source, or that it were my unconcious fears coming to the surface.

Just when you have a dream... For all you know you could be experiencing a premonition when you dream about you encountering something scary, but it may also 'just be a dream' that signifies nothing besides perhaps certain fears that are in your unconscious.

Same with this... I don't know if I would need to go through another phase of hopelessness and despair, god forbid, but certainly the fear is there.

The fear is there because in my last deep dark night of the soul in 2017 the situation was as such that no matter what I tried or how hard I tried to come out of it, the situation just seemed impossible and I only seemed to go further and deeper into this dark valley no matter how hard I tried or what I tried. I used everything I had at my disposal, but still...

And I still haven't really come to terms with it, I still don't know what to think about it. It seemed like a phase of inevitable suffering, unpreventable and unstoppable. If you see yourself slipping down further and further and neither trying to get out of it or trying to accept it doesn't seem to work to put a halt to your increasing sense of hopelessness and despair, then what is one supposed to find comfort in?

I still haven't wrapped my head around this... I'm okay with experiencing a lot of pain in whatever form as long as I can learn to accept it and to create a space for it to yield into it. But how can I accept the fact that I can't accept? In other words: How can I find comfort in a situation where either the ability to change my situation or the ability to accept things as they are seem to be completely elusive to me? That's how it felt... Changing it seemed impossible for whatever reason it may have been, and accepting it also seemed impossible.

I still don't understand what I could possibly have done otherwise in my dark period in 2017 that was within my capacity to do so that could have either prevented this dark phase and/or that could have prevented my ego from struggling against it.

I can accept pain, but how can I accept despair when none of this 'acceptance' provides relief from this despair?

In reality, despair in itself is a state of non-acceptance. And acceptance is inherently in itself a state of non-despair.

I just don't know how I can come to terms with what happened in 2017. Because if this 'inevitable despair' happened before, it can happen again one will think. How can I possibly find relief in such a prospect?

 

But yeah... This is probably my deepest fear... Going again through a phase of hopelessness and despair which I seem to be powerless against to prevent it or stop. And this was what I was shown in that psychedelic trip.

But somehow... I didn't leave that trip with a sense of hopelessness and heaviness, unlike the first psychedelic mushroom trip I had taken a year before. Somehow, I managed to accept the prospect that such a phase of 'inevitable despair' would happen. Somehow, for no logical reason whatsoever, I came to the capacity to accept such a prospect. And somehow, I left this mushroom trip feeling quite fine. Not great, not bad, just fine and alright.

But such a mushroom trip is extremely disorienting. You don't know what's left and right anymore, what's up and what's downn. Whatever orientation you had before you started the trip suddenly seems to be washed away and seen as illusory, because you (or me at least) come to a point where you see that whatever standpoint you happen to be taking, or whatever idea you try to hold onto, you will see it as illusory, as something you come to immediately and pretty much without a gap come to question the validity of, so there is no possibility of holding onto any position whatsoever. So it's just a total mindfuck and you can't possibly prepare for it (I tried).

I think I will discuss what happened in 2017 and this notion of 'inevitable suffering or despair' with my life coach in our upcoming meeting next week.

[Nightwise]

Tuesday 17th of March, 2020 13:27

Before we get to this pandemic thing we're into right now: One other thing that has happened to me a couple of days before is that I took a psychedelic mushrrom and I had a pretty bad trip pretty much all the way through. I came to some very disconcertning insights or visionsduring that trip, which in hindsight one tends to write it off as 'part of the hallucination', but the scary thing about it is that in the moment itself those visions seemed far more real than my doubt about it now seems. There was just such a strong sense of... clarity and conviction, that doubting it just didn't seem to work.

In other words: It felt at that moment as being very true, and all my tendencies to doubt it were seen as part of my fears. And to now try to argue with what happened during that trip just seems as completely useless, as what I was shown during that trip is that I would forget it and naturally start to doubt it again.

Whether it's actually true or not, I at least want to take into serious consideration that what I saw there could actually have been true. The visions were about my future path and the fundemental nature of reality, and both of those visions were really unpleasant and scary.

Yet, now there is no going back either now. If what I saw there was in fact true, then trying to fight it or deny it isn't going to help me. I want to be prepared for the worst and the scariest possibilities, and still be willing to look those fears right in their eyes and not cower, not run away from them, and stand strong in their presence. Even if I'm going to hell, and even if I'm totally going to be overwhelmed with it with no possibility of staying present and me suffering deeply in this hell, then still I want to be able to accept that fact even though there is absolutely no logical reason that could support my acceptance of it. In other words: Not a single thought or hope to find relief in it. Yet, then still you are able to accept it because you have no other option. 

I have encountered such 'impossible' surrender before. No single thought or form of hope that can help me, yet still I surrender and thereby relax and become free, at least for that moment. I see the visions during the trip and the fear it evoked as an oppurtunity the practice this surrender and also it's an invitation for me to already start preparing for what could be another dark night of the soul for me. At least I can start preparing already right now instead of me dealing with the struggle and trying to surrender to it once it's already too late (whatever "too late" means)

Now to the corona-virus (Covid-19) pandemic that now completely left our country (The Netherlands)... Not (yet) completely in chaos but slowly it's coming to a complete stand-still. 

 

So basically at first groups of over a 100 people were forbidden, now almost every social gathering or meetup has been cancelled, which is also very impactful for me personally, or otherwise they're happening online through skype or whatever (such as my bi-weekly singing course yesterday through a program called "Zoom"). Also, restaurants, bars, pubs, schools, culture centers, museums, sport clubs, libraries, drugstores (but not pharmacies), and many more of these organizations and services have been closed, and will not reopen until at least the 6th of April (but probably much longer).

Our prime minister (Mark Rutte) held a very exceptional speech today which was directed directly at the citizens (last thing this happened was in 1973), and basically told us that we would probably be dealing with this for another couple of months to come, and that most of us would get the virus, and that the highest priority with shutting everything down was to prevent hospitals from becoming overwhelmed.

I think the speech that Mark did was actually a very good and mature speech. He was very objective and direct, expressing the information he got  from the experts and relying on their professionalism, yet he also called for us to take good care of each other, and he emphasized that nobody would be left alone or behind, and that companies and small businesses and freelancers would not be left to their own device, and that the government would support them. He also stated that our country has many billions of euro's available to be used to overcome this crisis, and he also emphasized the importance of protecting our elderly and vulnerable people.

Do I agree with the measures that our country is taking? Well... I think compared to many other countries I think our country is being very mature and wise about this, but if I had a say in it I would do it a bit differently, or at least seriously consider some alternatives or otherwise a different emphasis which I'm going to express right now.

First off, people are temporarily quitting their jobs because schools are closed and people 'have to take care of the children'. I actually don't quite agree on the fact that children cannot be left alone for some time. Younger children... Well indeed perhaps they shouldn't be left alone, but children that are getting a bit older (let's say from age 6-8 somewhere) I feel are capable of being alone for at least some hours during the day. Especially considering that they have other children to play with, but even if they hadn't, you can often see that children can entertain themselves quite well. I think there is a lot more suffering going on with adults being alone rather than children being alone.

It may be so that children may have a lot of fear of being left alone for some time, but I think that this has a lot more to do wth our social conditioning (at least from a certain age onwards) than their intrinsic need to always be watched over. I think we as parents are often too over-protective and we don't teach our children self-responsibility and independence, because we don't trust them enough on their own and we don't give them the space to make choices for themselves and to cultivate their own path. Children, especially somewhat older children, can be left alone for a couple of hours, that shouldn't really be a problem I think. At least not once they get over the hurdle of the initial fear of being left alone because they have never gotten the opportunity to get used to being on their own, so initially they might be scared and fearful, but in the end I think they can get used to it and probably enjoy themselves as well.

And if they get a bit bored... So what? We adults get bored too; Probably a lot more than children do. I'd say it's good to let children alone for a bit and let them experience boredom. Boredom incentivizes people to be creative and think of new things to enjoy themselves or to otherwise create value for other people.

And again... They probably have plenty of friends they can play with.

Whether people should be working from home as much as possible I don't know, but don't let people not go to their physical location anymore or even quit work at home because they 'have to take care of children'. I think that's totally unnecessary for the most part; Well, depending on the specific needs of the particular child. Some might be younger, some might be handicapped, some might have a different psychological make-up, so individual cases may differ, but generally speaking I'd say it's not necessary to guard children so much. I think parents and society as a whole just has too little trust in children for them to make their own decisions. I acknowledge they need some guidance, attention, care and protection, but I think we as a society have gone too far

And now, an even more controversial point: I think it might seriously be a worthwhile consideration if we as a country or government were to decide to actually not try to prevent the corona-virus and just let the disease run its course, and let society continue as it always has been. Absurd, you might say? Well, let's think about it.

The biggest reasons why governments want to shut everything down is to prevent explosive infection and disease rates and by doing so they want to prevent hospitals to become overwhelmed. But... hospitals are only a tiny aspect of the totality of society as a large. By shutting everything down in society, you may prevent hospitals from becoming overwhelmed, but you disrupt the entirety of the rest of society and the economy at large. You basically sacrifice 95% of the activity and economy of society to ensure that 5% of it (the health care system) keeps running relatively smoothly.

And on top of that, the wave may come much faster and the peak will be much more intense and higher if you were to allow everything to run its course, but it would be over in a couple of weeks, instead of a couple of months which we are looking at right now. After it's over, society can start running as normal again. Yes, we would have maybe a couple of weeks where many people are sick and the activity of society will become very minimal, but right now by shutting everything down we have about the same effect as the effect would be if everyone would get sick at the same time (except for the health care system, then).

Your greatest argument against me will probably be that it's completely unethical to let so many people suffer and die from this disease and to allow hospitals and the workers in the health care system to become completely overwhelmed. But is it really unethical?

What people don't understand at large is that the purpose of life is not to survive it. People now think way too much in terms of survival instead of prosperity and flowering of love and consciousness. Yes, may people will die, but this is from the perspective of the absolute not a problem at all. Everyone will die at some point, haven't you realized?!

Hospitals should still be there, and there should still be to a great degree care for those who are critically ill, but at the same time my proposal would be to campaign for people to consider if they perhaps simply don't want to prepare themselves for a possible death and to also take into consideration the idea that instead of going to the hospital when they are critically ill, that they allow themselves to experience whatever they are experiencing in the safety of their home, preferably with loved ones around them, and to prepare themselves mentally and spiritually for a possible death. If they choose to go about it this way, they have a much greater opportunity to die a peaceful death in the comfort of their own bed with loved ones such as close friends and family around them to make them leave their bodies with grace, instead of being in an emergency room in a hospital where every patient there is suffering deeply from their illness with nobody to love them or guide them as far as their spiritual needs are concerned, and with every nurse or health care worker there being in an almost constant state of panic and stress with every patient they have to treat and 'every life they have to save'.

So basically, our whole approach to death is skewed. We only think and talk of death in terms as to how to prevent it. We almost never talk about as to how we can understand or embrace it. And this is a huge problem in society at large right now. Death is one of the greatest taboos currently of the west. We fear it so much because we fail to understand it and most of us don't have a grounding in spirituality to find solace in a larger context about what one's eventual death is really good for. We cling to life because we think that what is essential to us would be gone once we die. It's not, because we are far more than our bodies and everything we've built up in our physical existence, but this spiritual ignorance and atheism and scientism is doing a lot of damage to the peacefulness of our souls, and both the quality of our lives and our inevitable death (or the smaller 'deaths' in our lives)

That's it for now, as I find myself running out of inspiration to write further right now. I'll think that I'll sometime later continue with writing how this pandemic situation affects me personally.

Edited March 17, 2020 by Nightwise

[Nightwise]

Wednesday March 18th 23:17

In italy it seems to be pretty bad. Another 500 deaths from the corona-virus there today. And those are only the people who have been counted.

Thinking about it statistically... estimates are that about 60%-70% of us dutchies will get infected. About 2-4% of the people infected will eventually die from it (considering that efforts will be made to protect the vulnerable groups). We in the Netherlands have around 17 mllion people, which means around 10-12 million people then will get infected in our country. If those many people get infected and 2-4% will die from it, we're talking about 200,000 to 500,000 casualties in total. I've heard estimates around 50,000 people, but then how can those estimates be accurate?

If we're eventually talking about 2-4% of the global world population, we're talking about 100 to 220 million deaths in total from the corona virus (7.8 billion people on the world, of which then 60-70% gets infected). I don't know if I'm missing something in my calculations here, but these are the numbers we're looking at right now if I'm not mistaken.

So quite a lot.

But of course, something that's going to be far more lethal is time itself. in let's say 120 years, 99.99% of the people currently alive will be killed just by the fact that time passes.

I feel sorry for many of the hospital workers who are under the collective delusion that saving individual lives is the most important thing in their current existence, not being fully aware of the fact that just extending the lifespan of one individual isn't necessarily an honorable act in itself. Especially when it comes to elderly people, who wouldn't have that much time ahead of them anyways.

It sounds very crude and heartless what I'm writing right now, but this is the reality.

Nobody wants to talk about it, and even I hesitate to do so, but if keeping certain patients alive is going to fill up the space of the hospitals to the extent that there is no more space left, then perhaps certain patients that don't otherwise have much prospect of a much longer life left anyways (even if they recover), should then perhaps simply be... dispatched by a lethal and painless injection.

Sometimes reality can be harsh like that. But in Italy they're already doing this to an extent: They are choosing which patients to save and which patients they allow to let die. The elderly people go first. The younger people they try to save, because they have more of a future ahead. I don't know if they're 'getting rid of' the elderly people by giving a lethal injection or just to remove the oxygen equipment from them and let them die naturally, but indeed in times like that choices have to be made.

But I have not seen a single politician advocate for awareness on the art of dying. I have not seen a single politician or not even a single person on the news or in the newspaper talk about what to do when death is near when it happens to you. 

Again, everybody is completely obsessed with trying to make people survive. Nobody seems to really take note of the fact that death is completely inevitable, whether through this virus or not. If they were actually fully conscious that death was inevitable, they would not be so adamant in trying to save as many lives as possible. Or at the very least, they would talk more about how one can deal with death not as in how to survive it, but as in how to deal with accepting and surrendering to death, or the potential of it happening.

I'm not saying I'm perfectly capable of fully surrendering to death, but I at least on an intellectual level understand that we can not keep eternally fighting to prevent death, and that survival should not be the main priority of life.

I also don't want to get involved in the whole chaos of this situation. Just as a thought-experiment, if I were to be called upon from the government to aid in the hospitals, I don't think I would go. I possibly might, but then I would not be there to save lives, but I would be trying to provide some sense of spiritual comfort to people there. I would, and I'm not saying I'm fully qualified just yet, but I would then try for people to suggest to them that perhaps it's best for them to surrender into the possibility of death.

But regardless, I understand that it's for almost nobody easy right now.

 

I'm glad we in the Netherlands have not decided to go for a lockdown (so far). I really appreciate the opportunity to be walking these days. I take lots of walks. I really feel like I need that both to think and to ground myself in a practice of mindful walking, being very present to my body, breath and environment as I'm walking. I appreciate our prime minister for keeping his head cool and not becoming panicky by all the reactions that he's getting, and instead listening to the experts and virologists. I do have a greater amount of respect for him now, although there's every possibility that he still may collapse under the pressure and order a lockdown anyway.

I find these times also a bit difficult personally. it's not even that I'm so afraid of the virus, but with everything shutting down I'm becoming a bit agitated because I have this impulse now to be doing things and to be more active in my life, and now I'm almost being forced to retreat and be understimulated, which I wasn't really looking forward to in this phase n my life. I already had the desire to start becoming more active even before the whole corona-pandemic broke loose, and now instead of starting to do more, everything I would've normally been doing in my weeks has pretty much now been cancelled.

I can see the value of it, though, as I'm finding myself taking initiatives to do certain things which I have never done before. I for instance wanted to post a request for people to come into contact with me if they wanted to find someone who could provide them with some listening ear and provide psychological relief. unfortunately, this appeal was not allowed on the facebook group I wanted to post it on (corona-help in my city), as only people who requested help could post there, and not people who offered it. This had to do with the fact that as of then (and probably still now), there was far more supply than demand.

I also on top of that have some fears that have been amplified by the fact that I had a bad magic mushroom trip some days ago. One of the fears that then surfaced was the idea that I would go into another downwards spiral, another winter, another 'dark night of the soul', and now this idea is scaring me, and I have some difficulty letting go of this thought. I see however the value of being exposed to this fear, though, because it is an invitation to coming closer to letting go of any sort of narrative or fear-based thought loop whatsoever. I do see this as practice. And it doesn't actually matter if that which my fear-based thoughts are pointing to are going to be true or not. Whether I do experience another 'dark night of the soul' approximately as dark or even darker than in 2017 (god forbid) or not, any pre-emptive fears about it are not going to serve me and are usually not in any way really useful, if at all ever useful. If it would actually become a reality, then I want to experience the pain and suffering of it only as it comes, and not already before it.

I know there is no point in negotiating or trying to deliver arguments to myself as to why it shouldn't have to happen (to that extent) in order to feel safe. I can see how this is all coming from a place of fear. No, the only thing I am really to do, is just to let go of any thoughts about it whatsoever, and just take life as it comes in this (and all future) present moment(s).

 

[Nightwise]

Sunday March 29th 21:21

 

Alright, where should I start.

First off, I’ve just been feeling this glooming feeling of… apathy. I have rarely been motivated or inspired to do anything resourceful or productive lately. I have in fact not been inspired to do much of anything at all.

I never like it when I feel like this, because when I do feel inspired and motivated to undertake actions and change certain things in my life, it feels as if I’m going forward, making changes, building a better life. And when phases like this happen where there is very little inspiration or motivation for anything at all and I am not doing much as a result of it, especially now that almost all of my activities are cancelled due to the coronavirus, it almost feels just like I’m failing to live up towards the basic responsibilities I have towards myself and my life.

I also judge myself for my lack of discipline. I rarely ever discipline myself if I don’t feel “inspired to” disciplining myself. I have heard before from certain people that discipline needs to have its roots in rationality, habit and routine, and not in emotional moodswings.

Well... I’ve tried doing things in a routine matter before, but honestly, I just don’t work that way. I have tried many times before in the past to get a certain disciplinary structure in my life where I try to do something every day whether I feel like it or not, but it simply never has worked out for me that way. It has never lasted. And I doubt it ever will. I am not entirely sure if I will ever be able to create this sort of structural discipline for myself in a more thorough, lasting way. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I actually can’t tell.

The closest I come to being able to do something routinely, is brushing my teeth every evening. I don’t in fact do this every evening, and in the past I used to do this once or twice per week, but now I do it most of the evenings, and some evenings (or nights) I just can’t be asked, and then i won’t do it. I used to indeed have this mindset of ‘doing it whether I feel like it or not’, and I could do that for a couple of weeks, but I didn’t have the energy to be able to continue in that way.

But, granted, the fact that I do brush my teeth more often now could be seen as a good sign. That is, if you hold the notion that creating a sort of structural discipline for yourself is ‘good’ and only relying on emotions for your ‘discipline’ is ‘bad’. This is actually an entirely different question. We’re gonna get into this later. (later edit: Seems like we're not. Not this post at least)

I’m also afraid. I’m afraid of my own incompetence. I’m afraid that I’m incompetent to be able to prevent myself from going through another ‘dark night of the soul’. That is one of my deepest fears, if not my deepest (conscious) fear. I’m afraid that I will be thrown in a situation similair to 2017 where I just saw myself gliding off without knowing what to do about or how to stop it, or even how to surrender to the process. I’m afraid such a situation could happen again. Being it a truthful prophecy or not, that is what I had seen in my psychedelic mushrooms trips. I understand that this may not be anything more than just a reflection of my own unconscious, but at the same time I do know it felt so incredibly real at the moment I experienced it, and because of that ‘realness’ that I felt, it absolutely doesn’t feel just to try to deny the possibility of it happening or try to argue around it in some way. That’s also what I saw in these trips: the defense mechanisms in how you’re trying to protect yourself from these visions with logic, trying to rationalize your way out of it, trying to find reasons for hope.

I realize that my task lies not in me trying to ‘think my way out of it’, but rather to deal with the fear head-on as it occurs in the present moment. Future projections, whether negative or positive, are not going to help here. There is no safety in any future projection of the mind, nor is there any reality in fearful projections of the future. What the finger is pointing to? Perhaps, I don’t know. But all I can deal with in the present moment is the finger itself, and I do know that there is no reality in the finger itself. So basically what I’m saying is that I need to remind myself that the finger (my thoughts) have no reality within themselves, no matter what they are projecting or thinking about. And seeing that, being aware of that, is all the true power I really have, and all I can do, whether my life goes to shit or things actually do start becoming gradually better, or whatever possible permutation of my future path.

I also notice that my mind stays empty when I try to think of “what to do” or “how to think about it” whenever I try to ‘solve’ this situation that I’m in for myself. I take walks sometimes, but as opposed to walks I took in years before, my walks tend to be less and less philosophical and contemplative, simply because I’m running out of ideas or ‘solutions’, or alternative perspectives. My mind is simply getting to the end of its line as far as existential contemplation is concerned. And honestly, I don’t even really wanna try anymore

I see that as a sign of growth, though. The way I feel about it, whether it’s true or not, is that I’m moving from stage Yellow in spiral dynamics to Turquoise, which marks a shift from (higher forms of) thinking to Being. I don’t like to bring up spiral dynamics so much though, because it tends to create an ego for myself and may trigger other people’s egos as well. There is a good possibility that someone reading this will then start seeing me through this lense of spiral dynamics and start thinking “Oh so he’s a Yellow/Turquoise person”, or “He’s arrogant because he thinks he’s at a stage where he’s actually not. No, he’s at green!”.

And honestly, I don’t really want to bother with all these evaluations, comparisons, projections and so forth. I’m just trying to make an assessment based on what I have studied from spiral dynamics. Spiral dynamics gives me a bit of a guideline in understanding my own growth. At the same time, however, I do know that there are certain limitations towards Spiral Dynamics, and there are also some confusions, questions and points of skepticism I have towards the model of spiral dynamics. In general, I can quite find myself in the way Spiral Dynamics assesses human evolution, but sometimes there are some points which I don’t quite fully understand from my own insights and experience, or things I may disagree upon.

The bottom line is: Whether I’m correct with my assessment as to where I am on the scale of spiral dynamics or not, or whether it’s a reliable model to begin with, let all of this not be a point for both me and you (the reader) to evaluate me through and to only or primarily see me through that lense. This is also one of the important practices for me personally: To stop evaluating ‘where someone’s at’ in their growth or awakening process. It just causes people to start seeing each other through filters instead of seeing each other as they truly are. I see this a lot with certain guru’s. I saw this when I visited the ashram of Paramahamsa Vishwananda in Germany. Everyone acts very normal and friendly towards each other and me whenever he’s not around, but when he shows up, everybody suddenly gets on their knees and bows down in what appears to be (but appearances may deceive) great reverence towards him and act like he’s God himself that has descended down from the heavens.

I actually think Vishwananda is a genuine and innocent person. I don’t get the impression from him that he gets a great egotistical boost from all this attention that he’s getting. I think he just found himself in this situation and just decided to work with the situation as it is. I don’t think he likes that everybody sees him as “The great Guru”, and acts much differently towards him, but I don’t have the feeling that he has lost his innocence through it. I do think that he indeed has quite a high spiritual vibration, although I refuse to judge him as ‘superextraordinary’. Irregardless, I don’t have the feeling that I have a special spiritual connection —that he is ‘my master’— with him even though I have done something embarrassing (in my view) whilst ‘trying to’ make that connection. More about that later, or never (but at least not in this post).

However, coming to think about him, I have decided to subscribe to his youtube channel just for the sake of it.

The bottom line is: nobody’s true self (not their egos) likes to be treated as ‘differently’, ‘special’, or simply to be compared with and projected upon. I like to meet other people as they are without trying to assess them, and I would like you to have the same attitude unto me. Let us both partake in this spiritual practice.

So what was I talking about before. Ah... The fact that my mind stays empty. And what do you know... Now it does again when I’m trying to continue talking about this topic. So let us continue on to the next subject, shall we?

Oh, another funny thing: I might just have the corona-virus ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I have been having certain pains in my lung area for... I’d say about 10 days now or something, maybe a bit longer. It’s funny because when I first felt it my first thought was indeed that it might be corona but I wasn’t overly concerned, but I was a bit more careful to not act recklessly and risk infecting a lot of people. I was a bit concerned, but not overly. Until I came back from a walk on last Tuesday, and suddenly the thought came to me that this might in fact not be corona, but an actual serious heart problem! The reason I was thinking about that was because I may have had pains in my chest area, but I had no coughing or fever or anything like that. I also didn’t read about corona staying entirely restricted to pains in the chest area.

The internet doesn’t really help with consoling you... In fact, when I went online to what could be going on, I freaked out even more! Honestly though, I don’t know what else I expected.

The moment I read it on the internet I was still some time away from home. I had taken a bus ride to start a walk from there (whilst being careful to not spread any potential infection), and the moment I read about what the feelings in my body might be, I still had to wait 30 mins for the bus to arrive and take me to the bus stop from which I would walk 15 minutes to home.

Having finally arrived home whilst being freaked out about every little sensation in my body for like 45 minutes, my mother could already tell something was up, and I talked about her privately about the concerns I had. She told me that she would make contact with a friend of hers, who happened to be a retired physician.

About 1,5 hour later, we had a phone call in which I told what was going on. Even though she said that she had no strong reason to believe that I had a serious or acute heart problem, I still wasn’t completely comforted. I went through a sort of semi-panic attack that evening, but after that wave of fear was over I slept relatively well, but woke up early.

My plan now was to call an actual operating physician in my city whenever the physician’s clinic would go open (at 8AM. I woke up at about 5:30). Because of my complex and strange mental/energetical operating system, I called at about 9 AM. There, the receptionist had a little talk with me and asked some questions about my state, and also told me that she didn’t worry too much, and that I had no telltale signs of an acute heart problem. But still, she would let the physician have a call with me a little bit later (didn’t really want to me to the clinic because of risk of infections). However, she did mention that having pains in the lung area without coughing or fever could still mean that you could have the corona-virus. This I found remarkable.

About two hours later the physician called, who was a friendly and sympathetic woman who didn’t seem to be in a hurry despite the health care system evermore becoming more and more loaded because of the corona-outbreak. We had a conversation which was roughly the same as I had with the receptionist. She also said that it is possible to have corona and lung pains but not have coughing or fever. She also said to call back may things get much worse.

Now I am here typing more than 100 hours later, still not sure whether I have corona or not, but I am not so concernced about it anymore and I have taken the past few days as an opportunity to detach from my body a little bit more and to practice accepting death (not that I think I'm going to die, but still). Still have had some lung pains (pretty sure it’s not the heart but just the general lung area), but nothing overly painful and severe, and I have been taking some herbal remedies as to improve my immune system, including herbs with antiviral properties. Basically I've been dirnking a lot of tea with some of the herbs in the article in it. I have heard people say that vitamins or herbs or so doesn't help against corona, but I think there can be like maybe a 10-20% difference in your immune system. It's at least worth a try. Here are two links to that if you’re interested:

http://oftheearthwellness.com/covid19/ 

http://oftheearthwellness.com/immunityboost/ 

Those are the main things for now. I’m glad to have caught up a little bit

Edited March 29, 2020 by Nightwise

[Nightwise]

Thursday April 2, 2020 20:46

I’ve just walked a bit, and in this walk I considered multiple things, but the first thing I want to discuss right now is basically my sexual essence.

Inspired also by “The way of the superior man” by David Deida, I’ve come to think about my manhood, or perhaps lack thereof.

One thing I’ve come to think about during this walk is simply: Why do I aspire so much to be a man, or to be more manly? Why do I find it so difficult to accept myself as I am right now instead of trying to change in this more manly figure that is able to embody more masculine values such as having a clear vision and direction, and having more discipline and structure.

And I asked myself: Why do I need myself so much to be this way?

In fact, what’s wrong with living out more feminine values such as flexibility, spontaneity, acceptance and surrender?

In those aspects, I am far more feminine than I am masculine. And what’s seriously wrong with it?

Even if I were to stay as feminine as I am right now for the rest of my life, even then, what’s actually so wrong with it?

If I were to go through the rest of my life being more like a woman than like a man, then what’s wrong with it?

Why do I give so much significance to “being more like a man”? For what?

I’ve over the years hypnotized myself in believing that I need to be more manly, that it’s good to be a strong male figure. Well, I’ve really failed massively at that at many fronts, but why did I have that aspiration to begin with?

Just as a thought experiment: What if I actually become exactly as a woman (having core feminine values) and just carried it out, and that I would be absolutely okay with it., even though I would still have a male physical body.

Let’s take it to the extreme.

What if I were to become the submissive guy having a dominant female partner, which would also be reflected in the sex that we would have? Or what if I were to even become a submissive gay guy? Is there anything about that that is actually inherently bad? Why would it have to be bad? Do I really need to be manly just because I have a male body? If so, then why?

Another thing I notice that’s been going on is that I’m creating a struggle over sometimes the smallest things. In fact, the whole reason I’m switching to this topic now is because I am creating a big deal in my head about whether the font size which I’m typing in right now should stay at this size or should be a bigger size. When I thought I wanted to switch to a bigger size, I suddenly found myself feeling guilty over the fact that I ‘have no discipline’

Confusion, hesitation, guilt has been playing up quite a bit lately. I find it sometimes hard to make decisions or to go ‘meta’. It’s often hard for me to ‘just make a decision and move on’.

One thing I became aware of during one of my magic mushroom trips is that this feeling of confusion and hesitation that I often feel can really be considered as just another sentiment, and that in a more clearer or less confused state the choice isn’t necessarily more obvious, and the arguments aren’t necessarily different, but there is simply less concern about the choice itself. There really isn’t so much fear about whether or not the right choice has been made.

So really, it’s a feeling that seems to pretend that the content that is being considered is the reason for my distress, but in reality, the feeling of confusion is there anyway and the content that is being considered isn’t as relevant as I then might believe it is, if it has any relevance to being with.

And the fact that I often feel confused once again has a relationship with the fact that I tend to be so adamant about being more ‘manly’. Often there is an option to be considered where there is the choice of disciplining yourself to not do something, and the other option to give into something and allow yourself to follow your desire (for instance whether or not I decide to go downstairs to eat a cookie)

What I then notice, is that if I follow my desire, there is guilt. If I try to discipline myself instead, there is struggle and a painful sort of inner division. Additionally with the idea of disciplining myself comes the realization that giving into something only needs to happen once for the itch to be scratched (even though guilt may remain), but that disciplining myself creates a feeling of tension that lasts until I change my mind. The guilt is usually a lot less worse than the struggle when trying to control myself, so usually I choose to give in.

But of course, guilt does still remain. Coming back to the point of my struggle between masculinity and femininity: One of the reasons that there is guilt because in the back of my head I still have the idea about myself that I should be more manly. And what does a man do? He controls himself, he disciplines himself in his urges. He masters his own desires.

But I simply don’t have that self-control anymore. One of the reasons I don’t have that self-control anymore (as opposed where I used to have it to a greater degree in the past), is the fact that I’ve simply come to see that it is a whole lot of struggle for something that in the end only feels a bit good to an ego, but it gives way more pain than it gives pleasure in return.

And my theory is simply that over the course of the years my ego has been eroding away more and more. Whereas in 2013/2014 I would still occasionally feel like I was a very strong and potent person because of my ability to discipline myself during for instance long and painful meditation sits, now I simply am not really capable anymore of getting this egoic high anymore out of trying to control and discipline myself, thinking that I am a strong person.

Basically, the whole ordeal of trying to discipline myself seems futile. A whole lot of struggle for just the idea that I have still some sense of control over myself and my life. On a sub/semi-conscious level, I’ve just come to realize this more and more and that’s why I have less and less self-discipline. Because, at least that’s my theory, because the base of which this discipline is coming from is not my higher self or whatever, but is in fact the more dense egoic self, that wants to feel like it has some control over life.

But at the same time, the idea of always just giving in to every desire I have without any form of control or self-restraint also seems scary. I then tend to think that perhaps I’m not just creating another ego for myself. An ego which takes an attitude towards life that says: “Ah everything is fine as it is. It is all just about self-acceptance and self-love. You don’t have to do anything at all. If you want to eat a whole bunch of cookies or distract yourself a lot on your phone or in your thoughts, that’s perfectly fine”.

The point is that I’ve been there before, trying to have as as little discipline and self-control as possible. You could almost say that I was disciplining myself to have no discipline. This attitude, I found, was also in the end just a dead end.

But then what? Then it almost seems like you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.

I thought about this when I took my walk earlier this evening.

First off, I just concluded that this whole idea of needing to discipline and change myself was just going to be futile, because I was coming from a place of lack and unsatisfaction. I’ve had enough life experience and done enough self-observation to be able to see where that was going if I were to try to discipline myself feeling unhappy and guilty with myself.

I then considered what would then remain if such options were crossed off for me. Where would that leave me? Because I also didn’t want to live my life forsaking all forms of discipline or responsibility.

And what became clear to me is that there are simply different qualities in which actions and even forms of discipline can take place, or different sources or grounds that the energy for discipline can be derived from.

The best example I have is brushing my teeth. I actually used to not brush my teeth, or only do it once every week or so. Since the last two years, I’ve started by and by increase the frequency in which I brush my teeth. And especially now that I have a new health insurance policy with a high own risk (meaning you first have to pay a lot of your own money before your insurance company will refund you the money, and the trade-off is a lower monthly charge). For 2020, I’ve decided to not go to the dentist anymore, but instead really take good care of my teeth so that I won’t have a good excuse to go to the dentist, and in this way I can save a lot of money. But, in order to be able to avoid the dentist AND keep healthy teeth and gums, I have the responsibility towards myself to often brush my teeth.

And I do now often brush my teeth. It would be untruthful to say that I do it every evening, but I have the general guideline that I do it every evening, but some evenings I skip because I already am in a position in bed where I’m very sleepy and getting up at that point then doesn’t seem iike it’s worth it.

HOWEVER, if I then find myself in a situation where I am laying in bed and I am sleepy and don’t feel like getting up to brush my teeth, but I have not brushed my teeth the day before also, then I will pretty much get up to brush my teeth no matter what. Then I do have that capacity for discipline without some for of a schizophrenic struggle. Yes, there is still discomfort, but this discomfort is of my body and not of my soul, if you understand what I mean. It has a different quality to it, this form of action, which gives me the energy and willpower necessary to be able to get me over the hurdle without becoming divided and confused.

So if there is a certain understanding why something needs to be happening, or why it is better for me to do it, it will be done and the necessary willpower and discipline will be made available for it, and this willpower and discipline will be derived from a deeper source instead from a superficial ego.

Same thing for something like paying a bill, taking a shower before going to volunteer work, sending an email you still needed to send, acting up towards a promise you made to your mother etc... There is in those cases energy that comes from a different source other than a lacking ego

And there are actually two ways in which action can be happening from an enlightened perspective.

The first one, which I already talked about, is action through discipline, and this discipline comes through insight. You feel a certain deeper responsibility towards yourself to be doing something to keep your life together or to be a respectful human being towards others. This is not action motivated by lack, but action motivated by understanding and wisdom.

The second one is action through motivation and excitement. Many times I just find myself singing something or experimenting with different uses of my voice because I find it really entertaining to do so. These days, singing is really one of the primary things I find enjoyment out, and I often don’t even plan on doing it but often I simply happen to find myself doing it, not even being aware of when I started it

[Nightwise]

Friday, April 3, 2020 21:19

 

Sometimes it bothers me that when I go to sit down here, that no or very little inspiration comes to me of things I want to write about. This especially bothers me because I often know that when I come to take a break, that this so-called ‘break’ will be the end of that writing session, and that the topic I felt so inspired to write about doesn’t get finality to it.

There were a couple of things I still wanted to follow up on after I had intended to take a break after yesterday’s writing session. I did not happen to take a break but I ended up just quitting the writing session. Now I come here today and sit and the PC again, intending to continue my writing session from yesterday, but now the inspiration leaves me.

And I think it’s rather unfortunate because if possible at all, I would write every day just some thoughts about what I had experienced and thought about, but often there is just no inspiration for it and I am simply not the kind of person that then goes and forces himself to do it. I can’t do that. Lots of topics that I’ve had great insights about never actually surface to the letters in the journal.

How difficult it may be for me, I think I ought to just accept the fact that not everything I ever come to think or have insights about will be written down. In fact, I think it’s important for me to not give too much significance to the idea of me ‘having to write’. This journal should be written because I enjoy doing it, not because I need to. This is important to me. If I put the pressure on myself that I need to be writing, I start fighting and struggling with myself, and it won’t do me any good.

This actually takes me back to the topic of yesterday. I feel like it’s important to remind myself why I am doing it. Is there a sense of enjoyment and/or a sense of a deeper responsibility, or is it more a ‘should’, something I tell myself that I should be doing, but which turns out to be a desire at that time which I can’t really connect with on a deeper level.

There is honestly a fine line between following this sense of deeper responsibility or wanting to take action based on this feeling of guilt. I don’t think I’d be able to say to myself that I can only write in my journal whenever I feel excited to do so. I may not always be moved spontaneously to this chair and start writing because I really wanted to, but at the same time there is a feeling of a deeper responsibility towards both myself and others that I want to continue this journal, not perhaps whenever possible, but still to keep it active, even if it is sometimes with frequent and long intervals.

And to be able to differentiate between this call of a deeper responsibility and action motivated by guilt, is sometimes very tricky to do. It is a very subtle difference. To not allow yourself to fall into guilt and ‘shoulds’ whilst still not forsaking the call from a deeper sense of responsibility, is very tricky indeed.

That’s why in order to prevent myself from faling into guilt, I sometimes have to very deliberately abstain from writing in my journal because sometimes the basis of where it’s coming from is guilt. I have this with many other things in life too. Sometimes, or quite often actually, the guilt, the ‘should’, the pressure of the ego-mind can be strong enough that for me that only appropriate attitude at that moment is to say to myself “It is okay if I don’t. It is fine”. I then basically have to practice detachment, practice accepting that I could also be doing without, and more often than not I then have to also align my behaviour with the attitude, meaning that I must walk the (self-)talk.

Other times, the action does not necessarily need to align with the attitude, and things can still be fine, or better even. Let’s take an example: Just over a week or so ago I was freaking myself out about pains that I was feeling in my chest. In order to calm myself down, I had to have a certain self-talk that went as following: “It is okay if I die. It is okay if I get a heart attack and pass away. It will all be fine. I’m proud of myself as to how I’ve lived the past 7 years, so It’s fine if I let go and without regrets”.

Would that then mean that if symptoms started getting really severe that I would not call a physician or even an ambulance? I still would. Because it is possible for the inner attitude to be different than the outer action you undertake. You can at an inner level be totally at peace whilst at the same time taking action to make sure that your body is being taken good care of.

But to be able to fully separate the mode of Doing and Being, is very, very difficult, and you would have to be pretty much a very enlightened guru in order to fully separate the outer action from the inner attitude, inasmuch that you are fully able to see and embody the truth of that these two different dimensions don’t have to conflict even if they appear to be in conflict in the eyes of the world.

So that’s why it is possible to say A and yet do B and not be in conflict about it, but you really have to master life in order to live your life like that all the time.

Additionally to that, attitudes can fluctuate and change in an instant, which makes this even more tricky.

I can for instance happen to take my phone without thinking about it and enjoy browsing through it, until the thought comes that “hey that was very impulsive of me. I should not let my impulses drag me along so much”, and then I can start feeling guilty about what before used to be an enjoyable activity.

I can also be in a certain inner conflict and take out my phone with that attitude and then whilst I’m still feeling a little bit guilty decide to relax myself and just enjoy whatever I happen to be doing.

And this is what makes it all so tricky, because it changes from moment to moment. Whatever I really used to enjoy doing yesterday I can start feeling guilty about today, and vice versa.

I actually used to think that it was all about the attitude, but now that I come to think about it, it is the action also, although the attitude is the basis still, I think.

I can start becoming an alcoholic and spending lots of money on booze and say to myself that I just need to be okay with myself and that only the attitude matters, and maybe in some way it is true that the attitude is essential here, but at the same time I don’t think you would have the capacity to really let go and fully accept yourself and what you’re doing here unless you’re a very enlightened person. But why would a very enlightened person choose to become an alcoholic?

Although from an absolute viewpoint I don’t think it indeed matters what you do and it all about the attitude about it, at the relative level of Truth I still think that certain types of actions are very hard or perhaps even too hard for you to continue that kind of behaviour without not only changing yourself in attitude, but also changing the ways of your behaviour and habits on an outer level.

I used to always think “It’s all about the inner, and the outer will naturally follow”, but is this really true? Or better said: Is this the only thing that is true? Or is this merely a half-truth? Will outer action also facilitate an inner change?

Boy I’m really too tired to continue on with this topic. I think it’s best to leave this be where it’s at now, maybe get back to it a later time, although possibly not in written form but in my personal introspective processes.

Right, let’s talk about sex dolls

I’ve browsed the internet a little bit to see what there is as far as offers for life-like sex dolls is concerned. I’ve actually become very interested in this. The reason this sparks my interest is because I think sex dolls would be a great way to practice sexually without dealing with the awkwardness of actually meeting another human being.

Actually, I think the correct term for them is “love dolls”. I’ll call it that from now on.

I think if I want to face the truth I have to admit that I’m not really ready to get into a relationship with a woman right now, at least not a physical, romantic relationship. I still tend to have a lot of trouble connecting with other people. I can be rather awkward in that sense. I am uncomfortable with eye-contact for one. I actually feel awkward almost every time I pass a stranger whilst walking, because I don’t really want to make (eye-)contact yet it seems like the social thing to do so, so I’m always in a bit of a hussle there.

I’m also just physically way too awkward. I’ve noticed this from the few sexual encounters I did have (most of the prostitutes), and that is that I just fel way too awkward to touch and to stroke and to caress her body and to take any form of initiative. It just feel super awkward and weird to really be physical with her, or to really be physical with anyone. I Also think hugging is pretty awkward most of the time, and I never really like it.

The truth is, I really feel like I need to really still grow in my capacity for intimacy and connection before I would start enter into a relationship with a girl/woman. And I just think that a really good way of practicing that would be to indeed get one of these silicone lovedolls. I would not just use it to relieve myself in, but also practice actually making love to it by stroking it, kissing it, trying different positions with it, pretending as if I’m a dominant male with it, pretending in different ways as if it were an actual woman.

The problem is, they’re just ridiculously expensive. My local sex shop tends to sell them for about 3000€. That is just a huge f*cking scam because I’ve seen other places on the internet where they sell them for just over 100€. Ah well, it is true that those for over 100€ were semi-inflateable, but they stil looked the same regardless. I can never imagine that the material costs and the transportation costs can be anything that’s even close to being 3000€. It’s just a bunch of silicones in a particular shape. It angers me to think that people feel okay with charging 3000€ for it, and it surprises me that it must be to some degree effective and that some men actually buy it for that price (otherwise why would they keep the price at 3000€?). I sometimes really don’t understand why some people are so naive and gullible when buying certain products.

I’m going to see if I can get one for not more than 250€. I have the luck that recently I’ve had the good news that I’m going to get my social welfare benefits which has been piling up from November the 1st in 2019, which will get me about 3000€ (this is an entirely different story in itself which I perhaps wil expand upon later) I really hope that international shipping or transport in general is not severely compromised because of the corona-virus. Perhaps I should look to see if I can get such a doll which has its origin closer to home here in the Netherlands. Perhaps I should be quick too.