Beg advice, relationship, life. It's a hard time for me.

[Uncover]

Hi, I'm a 23 years old Romanian young man and I need some life advice.

Today my 6 month relationship ended. We ended up in each others arms crying our souls out and deciding to part ways. But to remain friends. We really care about each other and developed a strong connection over this short period of time. We broke up before, but I guess now it's for good. I can't accept that though, there has to be a way, something.. I can't let us suffer because of the things I'll remember here. Too early to talk about that, but she is the type of person which will never want marriage or children. Moreover, my parents are totally against our relationship just due to the fact that she is not white. Even if they would eventually accept her, hey would not bear the fact that we won't marry. Maybe I must add that I come from a rather poor family with an alcoholic father. I left the village and I'm studying in a city. We don't have a place of our own, of course. I don't afford it yet with a ~340 Eur/month salary. I am currently established at a students' dormitory. This is the last year of my master's degree in Economics then I'll have to leave the dormitory (in June). I will eventually have to search for a rent, it'll be most difficult, alone, with this salary. The rent would probably be around 200 Eur without extra expenses. I took into consideration living with her in a rented place and split the expenses, but I didn't tell her that for now. Moreover, I'm not able to last long enough in bed to give her an orgasm, which is an important thing for a relationship. A lot of frustration built up from all these things going on against us, for both of us, so we decided to stop here. @aurum I wish to know your thoughts on this, please. 

But our hearts won't give up, what should we do? Please help! 

Gratefully, 

Ioan 

Edited March 17, 2019 by Uncover

[zambize]

Alright, I'm going to try to help, it's a bit daunting cause you have quite a few distinct categories you feel like you want to address in your life, but I'll try my best.

Your Breakup

I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup, it seems like even though it was rough on you, you definitely handled it maturely.  When me and my ex who had been dating for nearly four years, it wasn't fun.  I remember opening up the door, and her looking at me like "is this what I think it is", and me starting to cry.  Ngl I have tears in my eyes rn thinking about it, it's not fun.  What I can say is that we are still very good friends today, and I message her almost every day and she's an important part of my life.  So on that note, I think it can work as friends, I think it can be a very valuable relationship, but I know how hard it can be in the moment.  I don't really have a clear idea of why you broke up but it sounds like your family has something to do with it.  It's interesting because at least where I live, I don't think people would take their families thoughts into consideration as much.  Especially if my dad was an alcoholic, I'd have to make sure I didn't want to get married just to piss them off if they said shit like that to me.  My practical advice that worked for me was we spent about 6 weeks apart after the initial breakup to give ourselves a chance to move on.  I told her an exact date, to the minute when I would message her first so she didn't have to worry about checking her phone until then.  After those six weeks it felt appropriate to be able to see each other again and hang out, I have plans to cook her carbonara when I get back from vacation haha (it's been maybe 9 months after our breakup).  Now that's if you believe breaking up is the right thing to do,  if not, then I think both of you really need to have a heart to heart about what your needs are in a relationship, and how you see your future.  It seems like you've at least partially done that, but if there is anything you haven't communicated to her about why you broke up, be it family or anything, she needs to know.

Your Alcoholic Father

I want to make a quick note here because I dealt with repressed emotions about my parents that I'm happy I have worked/continue to work through.  If you feel like there is emotional pain from either of your parents and the way they have treated you, I would try and get that out.  Maybe right everything that bothered you about them, maybe they never really paid attention to you, or you felt like they didn't even want a kid.   Maybe your dad was emotionally unavailable because he was too busy spending his nights drunk instead of with his kids.  I don't want to put words in your mouth, those are just some example shit that I would want to get off my chest.  Write it down on a paper for anyone you feel hurt by, articulate what happened and why you feel hurt by various people in your life.  Then burn the paper or throw it away, whatever.  But I think having a chance to really process our emotional pain by articulating it into words can be a powerful tool.  

Rent

If you're worried about rent, I would really make sure I'm checking my bank account and have a good idea of where all my money is going.  I'd start keeping track of money I spend on recreation vs. necessities and have a strong idea in my head of how long I can pay rent for, and what can go wrong that I have backup money for.

Orgasm

TMI FOR ALL YOU LITTLE EARS:  I definitely had issues with this from time to time cumming early, especially after a long break and not masturbating.  To some extent, it's an oops that is bound to happen.  Sometimes my ex would break out a new move, and well, tough luck.  We'd joke about how she's a bit too good apparently and laugh it off.   I definitely didn't just want to just laugh it off because I feel like it's important to both orgasm.  As I got better at making her cum, I would sometimes just eat her out and finger her to orgasm before I fucked her.  She was hornier after she orgasmed once, it was actually insane and so hot, we still talk about our sex life.  So, spend more time on foreplay, work with her more before you stick your stick in her.  Bit her neck, eat her pussy, get her well off into the races before you guys fuck and you'll have an easier time crossing the finish line with her. Also, masturbating beforehand a couple hours can be really valuable in lasting.  Schedule a date with your hand before you schedule a date with your GF/friend/???

 

 

[flowboy]

23 hours ago, Uncover said:

Moreover, my parents are totally against our relationship just due to the fact that she is not white. Even if they would eventually accept her, hey would not bear the fact that we won't marry.

Your parents will die. How old do you think you'll be when that happens?

It's not important what they think.

23 hours ago, Uncover said:

Moreover, I'm not able to last long enough in bed to give her an orgasm, which is an important thing for a relationship. 

No, it's not. Who told you that?

People are responsible for their own sexual pleasure. Some girls come all the time, some hardly ever. That's for her to work on.

[flowboy]

23 hours ago, Uncover said:

Too early to talk about that, but she is the type of person which will never want marriage or children.

This is the only legitimate reason to break up you named. The rest is unimportant nonsense and you will see it soon enough. Not trying to be harsh, sorry if it seems like that.

And even here: YOU don't know whether you want marriage or children. I know you think you do, but from what you wrote I gather that your values are still way too intertwined with your parents' opinion. Trust me when I say you are going to go through another puberty-like phase where you truly separate your value system from your parents' and fully realise that they are just people, and you love them, but they don't know better than you.

A good rule for life is to only adopt the belief systems of those who are living the life you want.