<3

[zambize]

Mostly Post Trip Journal

So core to this trip was really self-love, as in some way every trip is.  I think one thing I've been journaling about a lot recently is how I've felt a strong desire to start looking around romantically for myself.  But I really need to do a good job at sorting what is a genuine desire to have a relationship with someone else, and what is supplementing for my own inadequacies.  I put the note to myself about putting lotion on.  It doesn't sound like much but the lotion is just for me.  I just like how it makes my cloths feel against my skin, and also just my skin in general, fuck everyone knows why they like lotion.  But anyways,  it occurred to me while putting it on how thoughtless I was about it and how it had just kind of become part of the routine.  It's one of the few times of the day where I very deliberately put care into myself for no other reason than it matters to me, and yeah I don't know, I'm just letting some self-care come out of routine when it can only come from the heart.  I think there are tons of ways in which I can improve my life by being more deliberate in my self-love, and conscious during my expressions of it.  Part of me still associates self-love with loving the image of yourself in your mind, and it's probably going to take some time to fully feel comfortable with showing myself the love I have.

 

[zambize]

Goals Day 30+31/66

Having some new sensations and getting pretty good at dissolving into reality,  I'll probably spend some time the next two days trying to really explore a bit more internally. See if doing a meditation closer to like two hours brings anything new or not. Maybe I'll journal about that tomorrow. Not much else to say, I'm doing pretty well so I'm happy enough 

[zambize]

Goals Day 32/66

Did a 2 hour "do nothing" meditation, and only got distracted for a couple of minutes twice.  So that was really good.  I also worked out, did some grocery shopping, cleaned the whole house, got some laundry done.  It was a productive day.  Probably a bit of ego backlash in there because I'm pretty tilted right now over the downstairs neighbor not paying WiFi.  At least more than I usually would.  I have a wet dream of kicking them all off the Wifi and just letting them try and complete the rest of college w/o it.  I'm going to do that actually if I get any more of a hard time.  Other than that, pretty productive day. 

[zambize]

Me:

 

Well I don't take it seriously but I quite often have those narcissistic thoughts that the world revolves around me much more than it does.   Soooooo I was feeling a bit tired and kind of done doing anything productive, and my roommate came home and had seen that I had done like 3/4 of the cleaning, and he goes and does the other 1/4 and gives me a cupcake.  That definitely helped turn around my night.  Sometimes he pisses me the fuck off, but he can really be a sweetheart.  I think at the beginning of my goals on working on femininity,I felt bad that I spent so much time on enlightenment work vs. femininity.  But that's just cause I didn't realize fully the role of femininity in enlightenment work.  Right now I largely consider enlightenment work a practice of femininity, much more so than masculinity.  Surrender, kindness, compassion etc. are all things I heavily associate with the work.  Surrender is pretty obvious, the goal for me is to surrender completely to reality, that's pretty close to what I think my definition of enlightenment would be saved for.  Absolutely zero resistance to what is in your direct experience.  Now kindness and compassion are also important, but it's kind of harder to explain.  But it makes the surrendering go so much faster, it kind of affects the rate at which you let go.  When you know you are kind and compassionate with yourself, you're willing to be more honest with yourself.  You care enough to address the things that are nagging you in your direct experience because you are important to you to take the time to do that and suffer through it so in the future you can feel better and be happier.  It's an act of kindness and compassion at its heart.  On that note, enlightenment work is going really well and I've felt like I've kind of "leveled up" a couple of times recently which is nice, I love living a vivid life

Grade: A, it was too productive of a day to be otherwise

Still in the indie vibe although I feel myself kind of going back to throwback songs

 

[zambize]

Goals Day 34/66

Yesterday I went to a comedy club with the family.  Which actually went pretty well.  My mom still does some shit that drives me crazy in public.  I don't really like small talk, and I don't really care to talk about stupid shit with strangers.  We shared a table with some other people and she's always gotta like introduce everyone and talk about where they live and work and just kind of talk to talk.  The woman running this comedy club did such a good job despite it being such a small venue, I was really impressed.  She said she was 53 and married with kids.  I don't think I've ever wanted to fuck a 53 year old woman with kids but I would've taken her home with me no shame.   I was walking by the lake today and saw people rowing and was like "that's weird it's a holiday", which is kind of comedically narcissistic that somehow the rowing team cares about my favorite holiday 420. But it's important to me, so everyone else must care haha.  I'm probably 100x more excited for 420 today and hanging out with friends than Easter tomorrow, sorry Jesus, your holiday kinda fucking sucks.  Who the fuck picked ham anyways, it's probably the least liked special dinner out there..... Things are going good though for the most part, couple of hard times where I really have to sit down, quiet down, and process, but I enjoy it for the most part

[zambize]

Goals Day 35+36/66

Today was my first day at work, and it went quite well.  A bunch of people fucked up and I caught their fuck ups and the dude training me was like "can you just go talk to him and deal with this"  so I was my first day on the job kind of telling this dude who I just met that he needed to fix his mistakes.  The guy took it really well, but I think I'd rather not be put in that position, I don't want people thinking I'm trying to be some boss :((((((  I got along with everyone well, and yeah that's probably going to continue going well.   As far as enlightenment work goes, I don't got much to say, we are somewhere on the path with our machete chopping away. I would say my meditation session have gotten a lot better, I barely got lost in thought in my last two hour meditation session. Kind of been eating like shit though, but that's not that hard to fix 

 

[zambize]

Goals day 37+38/66 

Well work is going really well, my boss said "even with high expectations you are exceeding them"  or something like that.  Gimme a raise then bitch.  Hes actually a really nice guy.  Getting kind of lazy with the journal, but not with the goals.  And the goal of the journal was one way I could motivate myself and keep track of my goals so as long as I'm doing well in my life, I dont really care if I slack on a couple of things.  I do need to make myself healthier food.  Yesterdays dinner was oreos and a couple of peanut butter sandwiches.  Really setting the bar low in terms of healthier food so we probably gunna do well with that goal.  Atleast I'm not getting fat, I dont eat enough shit food to do that, despite sometimes me only eating unhealthy stuff in a day.  

 

[zambize]

Goals day 39+40+41/66 

First week of work went really well, person training me told the boss of the company I was the quickest learner he's ever had, which was nice of him and now I'm in super good standings at work.  Uhhh last night I was meditating and I got like jumped a bit cause I hallucinated a girl kind of like waving at me through a window.  Some of visions when I close my eyes are become a lot more vivid and realistic and it kind of caught me off guard.  Definitely stepping into some new territory.  Still could be eating healthier, but I did go out shopping and got some stuff that's a bit better so I'm happy enough with how I'm eating.  Monday I get trained on a forklift, I'm going to have to really avoid the temptation of messing around on the forklift.  I'm definitely going to want to go too fast and do donuts and whatnot, showoff how good of a forklift driver I am.....  I'll try not to do that, I could definitely get in trouble with that thing if I don't watch myself.  I'd say we are on track, could maybe remember to not multi-task quite so much, could help relax even more, otherwise most stuff is going pretty well