<3

[zambize]

@Zigzag Idiot Chorus of crickets seems like a really interesting background noise 0_o, just follow the cricket noises home I guess.  I'm a bit jealous but I'd probably get tired of that bullshit

 

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Goals day 19+20/66

Self Inquiry continues throughout the whole day.  That's all going as well as I think it could be.  Went out for dinner and hung out with my ex yesterday, it was a good chance to talk about some of the issues in our relationship and families regarding male and female compassion.  I remember there was one time we were walking past a bar and there was this drunk girl just sitting on the grass kind of chilling there.  My ex brought her inside and got her water, when the cops came to pick her up, she went with and stayed at kwiktrip until her mom came.  When I picked her up, she was expecting a lot of gratitude but I was a bit more of an asshole.  I was upset because it felt like she throws herself under the bus for other people, like she ruined her whole night because she's just too fucking nice or something.  The cops had it handled imo.  I was pretty Darwanastic and just wanted to leave her there, even if it meant being cold all night and sitting alone in the grass outside a bar.  Anyways, it was great to talk about emotional sensitivity and female/male compassion with someone who knows me real well.  I got the chance to apologize to her for being a bit of a dick that night, and not seeing it from her perspective. It was a good conversation.  Otherwise life feeling pretty good despite some anxiety I'm working through,  I can tell as I've opened up my heart a lot that sometimes I get scared to feel stuff too intensely and close off a bit, I'll be working on that but I feel like I've made a lot of progress so I am happy.  

Been listening to this song a bit, also I give myself an A- because I did pretty welllllll

 

[zambize]

Goals day 21+22/66

Some pretty intense dissolving into reality experiences. My ego really jump scares me with a burst of anxiety when I'm doing well.  To some extent self-inquiry is like riding a bull trying to buck you off with strong negative emotions and scary egoic thoughts D: I can really appreciate the exponential natures of this work atm

Saw my crush just walking out on the sidewalk, I definitely handled it awkward cause I didn't realize it was her right away and was just kinda confused why a stranger girl was being so smiley and nice to me.  I'm not sure if I recovered from that one, some girls really pick up on stuff like that really well and I was definitely a bit flustered for a second.  Then I was walking away thinking about awkwardly running into people I know and I had the same interaction with my drug dealer 20 feet down the sidewalk.  Kind of one of those you know the person well enough to want to say hi but not well enough to really know how to do it smoothly.  I also just get a bit flustered around girls I like, even though I play it off well

Grade A-,  I've been pretty damn present, waking up early, I could be eating slightly better though 

 

;

[zambize]

Social anxiety seems like a fear of the love we have for others to me 

[zambize]

Goals Day 23/66

I woke up early at 5:30, maybe I'll go back to bed after this.  Just woke up from a dream, I only remember the ending.  I was having some heart to heartish conversation with my grandpa, which is something he's been opening up to more recently.  During the conversation I had to really listen to him because he looking like he was dying and having a really hard time expressing his thoughts.  One of my family members started talking over him and I couldn't hear what he was saying and when I told him that I didn't pick up the last three sentences or so because someone else was talking he just looked sad and resigned because it had taken all his energy.  I started crying in my dream.  

This dream kind of pointed towards the importance of not waiting to end on a good note with my grandparents.  Like there is no anger or hate between me and any of my grandparents, but it was never really something important to me.  I went through multiple years of my childhood without seeing some of them because of conflicts with them and my parents.  I don't trust my heart with those kinda people.  But last time we saw them, they really started to open up and I can see it being something important to them.  I think there would be a lot of regret personally if I waited for them to die and never game them the opportunity to have a relationship that goes beyond surface level

Grade A-  Cause my mind throws all kind of mental images at me in self-inquiry and honestly most doesn't phase me, so my mind sometimes throws especially interesting stuff.  Yesterday I was getting pounded by a 40 year old hairy man in my imagination.  That was fun letting that be as intense as possible.  He had dad-bod and chest hair and was just kind of unthoughtfully fucking me in a bathtub?  Kind of rude.  I actually find that super unattractive usually.  I was watching a porn where a girl was giving some dude a blowjob and she started out being really subtle and teasing him and kind of working into it, and I was like, damn she's putting on a performance.  He was so impatient that he like stopped her from doing her routine, grabbed her head with his hands, and started like mad face-fucking her and gagging her.  I think this is why I watch a lot of amateur porn, I like that they actually care about each other and work off each other at least a bit more.  Porn will probably eventually be a goal of mine to cut down to kind of intensify my own internal emotional and feelings.  I think some of that is lost to staring at a screen that you hope doesn't tip over, or listening to the audio.  Always more intense when you limit stimulation you aren't using for sex.  Blind-folded sex can be incredibly hot. Okay this is becoming longer than my actual journal entry, I've been thinking about sex a bit recently though

[zambize]

I think it's interesting how the ego inflating its self-image makes it harder to admit our flaws and imperfections.  It's like it builds us up to be something greater than we are just to use the fear of accepting the fact that we aren't that great against us during exploration of our awareness.  In this way the ego is certainly a master tactician, I would be fucked if not for the illusory nature of the egos threats.  All bark no bite.  Every fear, every shitty thought, every bit of self-hate will be used against you in self-inquiry to shake you off the bull.  I've had times where I would just think like really racist words, and I couldn't figure it out at all.  I realized I was more likely to say or think those especially bad thoughts after feeling a burst of anxiety or whatnot.  However, the ego doesn't want you to directly observe your anxiety, because if you do it will turn into love/awareness and be kind of reclaimed.  But my mind will like throw a smoke bomb and I'll be cut up thinking "why am I having these thoughts?"  "I'm not racist am I?" "uhhhh".  Cut up thinking about shit that doesn't matter when the real job at hand has nothing to do with these thoughts and I should just be doing my self-inquiry.  Be prepared to accept literally anything your ego can throw at you, because if it finds something that it can use to distract you or make you repress reality, it will use it over and over and over and over and over again until you deal with that thought and the emotions that come with it.  ANYTHING THAT CAN BE USED AGAINST YOU WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU.  I also don't want to paint ego as this evil tyrant that you have to be scared of, but it has its tricks you gotta know

[zambize]

I was outside thinking about how I was pretty grateful that I was born naturally gifted in a couple of ways, and had all the tools I felt I needed to do whatever I wanted.  As I was thinking it I saw like a little sticker on a car window "Built For Your Success".  Enjoyed the chills from that, even if there is absolutely zero deeper significance.  I can dissolve into reality a lot better in public, my emotional wounds are mostly closed as well, which feels really good.

A- cause

[zambize]

Enlightenment work is just playing red rover red rover, you're love running into your fears and each time you are successful he joins your team like in red rover

 

I looked up an image to make sure it was the game I was thinking about and it's pretty cute so I'll post it too.  I hope he just plowed them all over

 

[mandyjw]

@zambize God speaks to me sometimes, and he told me to send you this. Make sure you listen all the way through. I'll be watching. 

 

[zambize]

@mandyjw if your god ever tells you to kill me come to me first  you're lucky you get him sending you shit and talking to you, I just get silence, love, and the occasional hug from old man good for nothing god

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Goals day 24+25/66

Had the friend I wanted to see hit me up yesterday.  I'm really excited to see her and it's nice to know my friends want to be around me, especially this one cause she's such a sweetheart to me.  I think it's cause she get bad anxiety attacks, and that left a bit of a soft spot for looking out for how other people are doing mentally.  Also I have a job interview in a couple of hours, low-key tempted to take a bong hit before I go in just to make it fun, but I need money so I won't do anything too reckless.  There's also kind of high expectations on me here, so I gotta go in and preform, I'm pretty damn good in these situations so I'm expecting everything to work out well, but we will see.  Finally, this song is so cute and he does a cute little dance  I've been getting into random indie songs a bit more

 

 

Edited April 12, 2019 by zambize

[mandyjw]

@zambize You're fucking kidding me, I've been listening to that song on repeat for the past few days. 

Good luck during your interview, I'll be thinking of you. 

[mandyjw]

 

[zambize]

@mandyjw Thank you, the interview went really well, also coincidentally I think I've already posted that Lana Del Rey song in this journal haha                  

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Goals Day 26/66

More and more flickering into a more non-dual state throughout the day.  Job interview went really well, I knew I really liked the owner of the company already, but it also looks like the manager I'll be working with seems really nice.  Gives good eye-contact, kind of treats me like I'm actually another human being.  More than meat.  Apparently he has like two kids and left his last job and took a pay cut for this one because he liked the work environment, so I'm excited to work with this guy.  We also both seem like we attack problems in the same way.  That starts like either next Thursday or Monday, depending on what he emails me.  I'm mostly excited and slightly nervous because everyone's expectations are pretty high for me.  I don't see any reason I can't meet them, but it's still pressure that I'm not sure if I like or not.  We will see, I'll try to kick ass and see what happens.  Until then I have a mini summer which I'm excited about

Grade A, cause I got the job.  Also my crown chakra been lit up last couple of days, usually it's kind of rare to start really radiating but it's really quite common now.  I don't look much into the chakras other than something to kind of talk about what sensations are going on in my direct experience and where.  

Also, Indie hype continues for me

 

Side note:  Wouldn't it be tragic if every one of your conceptual insights about enlightenment occurred before a direct experience was about to occur?  Like your mind is just holding onto insights that it knows will distract you from your direct experience.  So you're meditating and meditating and anytime you get too close to directly experiencing your ego in a way in which it doesn't want you to look at it, it throws some "genius" insight about the inner-workings of reality with zero evidence but your crusty ass gets distracted and thinks about how fucking profound of an insight you just had when it was just the voice in your head/bullshit getting in the way of an actual direct experience.  Same shit with pleasurable sensations.  You gotta let that shit go, don't stop to try and catch happiness with your hands during meditation.  You can get as distracted repressing emotions as you do clinging to good sensations, all of it has to go

[mandyjw]

@zambize Congrats on the job! I love that song, never heard it before. I used to really love Foster the People, it reminds me a lot of their stuff. 

[zambize]

People learn more through observation than being told what to do, so when they observe you acting like an asshole telling them to be more loving, you're being counter-productive 

[Zigzag Idiot]

This is a depiction of the apostle John in the New Testament. 

Well, actually the paraphrased version of the Bible GOD IS DISSAPPOINTED IN YOU.

 

[zambize]

@Zigzag Idiot That picture is pretty spot on what I was imagining <3

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Goals Day 27+28/66

Okay so I ate a quart of cookies and cream ice cream but Eddy's just does that flavor really well so what was I supposed to do....  This is my mini one week vacation before I start work, I'm probably going to smoke a lot of weed and see some friends.  I could also do an acid/mushroom trip and go outside.  I'm totally doing that weather permitting, I live in Wisconsin and yesterday it snowed but any other day it could go up to like 60-70.  It's a surprise.  Enlightenment work is going well, sometimes my emotional body just feels invincible.  I sometimes wonder if I'm ever going to like seriously suffer again, in this life of course.  I always end up suffering again, I'm definitely not there yet.  Seems like people can only salt your own wounds, and while it's kind of being a fucking dick to salt other people's wounds if all they are going to do is suffer from it, I have really appreciated people making me lonely, making me upset. making me feel uncomfortable etc.  Those are the situations that help me grow.  That's not to say I make those people my friends, but I appreciate those people in the world.  

 

Also in case there is reincarnation, it may be like having to book a seat on a flight, if you don't say anything you just get random so I'm going to take the time to type out my request

I'll have to make a priority list in case a few aren't open

1. Killer Whale

2. Regular Ol' Dolphin

3. Wolf

4. Hawk

5. Tiny cute monkey

 

I was just kind of fucking around but I think it's interesting I mostly thought of social animals that are considered predators and have pack like behavior.  That's probably my own current need for socialization speaking.  Also I picked animals that have a lot of freedom in terms of movement.  I think that's what always appealed to me about being a bird,  I like spaciousness and not feeling confined in any ways.  I'm sure I'd feel confined as a bird in my own way, but it's harder to see that looking up in the sky with two feet on the ground.  I don't really have an explanation for tiny cute monkey, maybe that I really want to feel loved and I know bigger monkeys are kind of douche bags to each other so I was hoping being a tiny cute monkey would make everyone want to handle me with care <3 

Grade B+ cause I can't eat a whole thing of ice cream and get away with it unscathed, still worth.  My GPA goes down a bit though

[zambize]

Goals Day 29/66

I'm going to do a tab of acid mixed with 1.5 grams of shrooms, I want to see if the mix helps for whatever reason.  I'll probably be walking around a lot today, shall see what I'm in the mood for.  Would be nice to really connect with nature today

[Zigzag Idiot]

@zambize If you feel like it, it would be interesting if you logged into the forum about peak time and pick a subject to share your views on, off the cuff. Hopefully it would coincide with a time when I was here also.

[zambize]

1 hour ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

@zambize If you feel like it, it would be interesting if you logged into the forum about peak time and pick a subject to share your views on, off the cuff. Hopefully it would coincide with a time when I was here also.

I actually tried, it's so unintelligible.  I go on such intense emotional experiences and then I'll read back to get a sense of how well someone else might be able to get a picture of what I'm talking about, and I just know its not going to hit anything.

I think that's going to be a passion of mine, bringing these experience down to earth, but right now I'm just not there.  Like I just can't keep track of what sub-arguments I'm working on etc for anything meaningfully long.

What I will say is that I think there are two parts of the path.  One where your fears exhaust you, and one where you exhaust your fears.  I'm feeling pretty strong, and my fears know where to find me.  

I do really want to talk about self-love though, uhh especially me putting on lotion (future note for me)   

 

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

19 minutes ago, zambize said:

I actually tried, it's so unintelligible.  I go on such intense emotional experiences and then I'll read back to get a sense of how well someone else might be able to get a picture of what I'm talking about, and I just know its not going to hit anything.

I understand. 

Hope it's a productive trip. Be safe.