<3

[Shin]

I love you too sweetie ?

[zambize]

The super nice chick downstairs has a boyfriend </3  

Mission failed, we'll get em next time

[zambize]

Goals day 16/66

Had a friend come over who suffered from depression in the past and we smoked.  This friend makes me laugh cause he's such a sweetheart but is so clumsy about it.  He brought some stuff do get my car running, and all I needed was him to come with cables so we could jump start my car.  Well he brought them, but also brought like a voltage tester from his new auto company he just started working at.  He didn't even turn the voltmeter on to check my battery, and when he did the reading with it off and realized it was off, but then turned it on and just kind of awkwardly put it away, I couldn't help but laugh.  I'm not sure if he was just trying to show me extra love or wanted me to see all the cooooll things he learned from his new job, I appreciate it either way.  He also couldn't get a good connection on one of the batteries for like 10 seconds, so sparks were just flying everywhere.  To me, he looked rather stupid and incompetent, but that's more on the intellectual side.  I definitely appreciate that this friend is always there for me, even if he looks like a fucking idiot doing so.

 

I often make sure I talk to my friends about any issues that they can only talk to me about.  So this friend is living with his new GF who they kind of out of the blue started dating.  Anyways, he is starting to realize a fakeness in her.  I was reading some of their messages.  A topic never lasts longer than like 3 replies, and it was literally like "have you seen a UFO" >>>"No I have not unfortunately" >>>"Moooo">>>>"What?">>>"I was saying Moo like an abducted cow">>>>topic change.  Like it was really cringe for me to read, I have more real conversations with people I've met for the first time at the grocery store.  I've have better conversations with my dead dog.  Then they throw in some random "I love you sooooooo much".  He really vented about this haha, it was happening while he was here so we talked a lot about her, his mental health, and kind of their future.  Seems like a lack of future.  Right now her social skills and the fact that she's only had shit relationships that end up in cheating make me think she's garbage for him right now.  I didn't tell him that, he's smart and knows haha.  Also not my place, I really mostly listened and helped him get a clear picture of how he feels of the situation. I'm glad he didn't bring her over, I keep those kind of people out of my house as much as I can 

 

Had some emotionally intense moments recently, had to sit up this morning and put my computer off me and just focus for a second and sit through it.  I feel quite whole, but definitely not there.  Yesterday I kind of felt like a chick pecking at the inside of an egg that was beginning to crack.  We will see if that goes anywhere

I think I would give myself an A,  I can't remember anything I wasn't willing to accept even though there were ups and downs.  I also did a good job with my friend, he was like "thanks for being in the moment with me" at the end.  That's kind of a weird thing to say but I appreciate it nonetheless

[Zigzag Idiot]

@zambize If you see my blind spot. Tell me about it. Be without mercy. Thanks.

[zambize]

33 minutes ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

@zambize If you see my blind spot. Tell me about it. Be without mercy. Thanks.

Being without mercy is mercy sometimes <3 sounds good 

Edited April 2, 2019 by zambize

[Shin]

That's how real men talk ?

[zambize]

1 minute ago, Shin said:

That's how real men talk ?

Excuse me but we have 50 more days of working on the feminine, please keep that inflammatory talk away from my journal 

[Shin]

17 minutes ago, zambize said:

Excuse me but we have 50 more days of working on the feminine, please keep that inflammatory talk away from my journal 

The feminine ?

What is that ?

Can I punch or drink it ?

[zambize]

30 minutes ago, Shin said:

The feminine ?

What is that ?

Can I punch or drink it ?

No physical violence but we do respect the right to use it as a dish washer 

[zambize]

Goals Day 17/66

Yesterday I had a couple times I had to let go where my Ego got the oh shits.  It's good that I've been working on this all day because it wasn't much of a fight, letting go is really the preprogrammed response now by default.  So while I did a good job at not repressing the experience and letting it happen, I was also kind of shuffled into it a bit.  I don't really have anything to comment on it other than those states have a lot of power to be used for healing, emotional processing in more non-dual is much more optimal because everything is just flowing a lot easier. It's like you're working in the dark and you're like feeling around for your screw driver and screws trying to fix a light socket or something, and someone turns on the lights.  Then you're kind of like "oh that was nice" and work a bit faster until for whatever reasons the lights go out again.  But not before you kinda got a sense of the job and everything and got some real work done 

I've been going on more walks and taking my headphones off for at least a portion of them.  I have a more introverted personality, and I was recently reading on the importance of introverts especially in getting enough silence throughout the day.  I definitely have my headphones on too much, definitely too much screen time, etc etc.  So I've been lowing the amount of stimulation I get throughout the day pretty successfully.  I think I'm going to go to the library but I always get distracted there.  I'm not sure if I mind that though

I would say A, what would have felt like more of a threshold guardian at one point in my life just kind of nonchalantly was accepted and fallen into.  I think it was pretty obvious today how far I've come

[zambize]

One thing I've been getting good at is being willing to admit I'm overwhelmed.  Even if its just a bit too much energy or anxiety, I'm really quick to admit I'm not grounding that energy well enough.  I cant believe I just used the word grounding, but if you know what the word represents it's easier than typing that out

[Shin]

I think it's impossible not to be overwhelmed, there is just too many stuff to take care of almost all the time.

Only thing we can do is focus on what we can do now, and forget about the rest.

[zambize]

4 minutes ago, Shin said:

I think it's impossible not to be overwhelmed, there is just too many stuff to take care of almost all the time.

Only thing we can do is focus on what we can do now, and forget about the rest.

Yeah I think a lot of people, especially guys, have it so preprogrammed to just kinda be super stubborn and unwilling to admit they need help.  But if you dont ask for help you dont get it Dl^:   the l is a moustache 

[Shin]

I wasn't talking so much from the help part, but the psychological compulsive need to have everything sorted out,
Which can't happen, because there is always something to take care about in the future.

Concerning what you said, it's very true, and as long as you don't ask for help, it's just gonna get worse and worse.

But hey, we're alpha male, we don't cry, love, or need help, that's for women !

 

[zambize]

6 minutes ago, Shin said:

I wasn't talking so much from the help part, but the psychological compulsive need to have everything sorted out,
Which can't happen, because there is always something to take care about in the future.

Concerning what you said, it's very true, and as long as you don't ask for help, it's just gonna get worse and worse.

But hey, we're alpha male, we don't cry, love, or need help, that's for women !

 

Oh I gotchu I gotchu, agreed

As far as being alpha male, I'm not sure if I get disqualified for liking my ass grabbed 

[Shin]

I don't know if you already did it, but I think someone like @Mu_ or @Nahm could help you.

You talked about help, so take your own advice 

[zambize]

7 minutes ago, Shin said:

I don't know if you already did it, but I think someone like @Mu_ or @Nahm could help you.

You talked about help, so take your own advice 

Thank you for being a sweetheart Haha, when I first joined this site I actually spammed winterknights thread with all the questions that ever came up for me.  Right now I'm kind of curious on if people have had similar experiences to what feels like a bunch of clicks and kind of blockages opening up especially around my nose and third eye, but I can feel my resistance and have just been chugging along surrendering it.  I dont know if anyone has had similar experiences to that somewhere along their path.  That's really the only thing I'm slightly curious about, but otherwise I think I got it handled D:  

Also you happened to pick two people I already do admire

Edited April 3, 2019 by zambize

[zambize]

Goals day 18/66

I got up at 6am and stayed up so that goal is kind of becoming habit, I don't really think about it too much atm because it's just been kind of falling in place.

 

As far as enlightenment work, that's been all day for a while now but I appreciate recently that there are more altered states of consciousness and I'm  a lot better at surrendering.  I really feel like I'm using the best technique in one of the most efficient possible ways, so I'm happy about that, my mind craves certainty too.  

 

So while I think enlightenment work and opening up to my own femininity go hand in hand in a lot of ways, I have been trying to make sure I stay balanced.  I would say the more masculine part of my enlightenment work is the metaphorization of my emotions and resistance.  I usually don't go too deep into the metaphor because once I notice it, it's only a couple of seconds before I surrender to it and it kind of clicks and goes away.  For example I might be feel a point of tension in my nose and I just kind of put it into a small number of words like "pulsating point like tension in top of nose".  It's kind of easy to tell once you get good at this how faster your emotions and tension clears up.

 

The more feminine part of enlightenment work for me is then the surrender and acceptance towards those emotions that my more masculine half points out.  It's gentle and compassionate.  It takes a diagnoses and heals through warmth and care.  It's the second part of a two step process, realize what you have to surrender to, and surrender.  When I do a really good job at channeling this gentleness, I can tell just how much faster the process goes.  It's like having a cute nurse vs. an old monotone man doctor,  you're just going to be in the doctor's office more if you get a little kiss to go with your band-aid.

 

Also not really giving too much shit about theory, which has been a while.  I watched parts of Leo's new video to see how my ego would react and to see if he had some really smart stuff to say.  My ego is slightly jealous of his access to 5-Meo because sometimes it wants to be spiritual number 1, I think this is super common, yet still feels embarrassing.  As far as insights, it really did feel similar to a lot of his other content.  Some of the points he made about like every particle being affected by every other particles gravity just didn't seem that insightful to me, but like I'm a physics major and his videos aren't tailor made for me.  It made me feel comfortable basically just dropping the enlightenment and spiritual theory, it also felt good to admit that my Ego can be a jealous little shit who seeks to belittle the effectiveness of techniques that haven't worked for myself or aren't available to myself, which was nice.  If I get back into theory it will probably either be my own if people are curious about what I did to get where I am, or just for shits n gigs.

 

I feel like I need a new standard to grade myself on, or I will just give myself As in relation to how I was.  So today I'll just give myself a B so I have a reference point for tomorrow on what I now consider a B

 

Grade B

[zambize]

I really like these songs, also the artwork is fantastic.  It's good music to kind of calm down to

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

On 4/3/2019 at 11:20 AM, zambize said:

Right now I'm kind of curious on if people have had similar experiences to what feels like a bunch of clicks and kind of blockages opening up especially around my nose and third eye, but I can feel my resistance and have just been chugging along surrendering it. 

For a long time I've experienced pressure or a slight throb in my forehead that comes and goes. Also For the last year almost a continual background chorus of crickets sound. I've noticed at times in Meditation how they seem to both suddenly get stronger when I'm hitting those spaces of objectless awareness.