<3

[Shin]

Keep up the love,

Sweetheart

[Zigzag Idiot]

@zambize Shin is ahead of you as round Idiot. 

Only because he skipped over integrating parts of hopeless Idiot. He'll have to go back and count coup on Hopeless Idiot though.

[Shin]

5 minutes ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

@zambize Shin is ahead of you as round Idiot. 

Only because he skipped over integrating parts of hopeless Idiot. He'll have to go back and count coup on Hopeless Idiot though.

The fuck are you talking aboute MATE ?

You can try all you want to make me look like an idiot, he loves me too much !

 

 

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

@Shin Ok, I'm going to go run and hide now.

[Shin]

3 minutes ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

@Shin Ok, I'm going to go run and hide now.

Good boy ?

[zambize]

I think good Egoic development looks a lot like good parenting.  This should make sense, I mean what is parenting but developing a child?  I know I'm oversimplifying things a bit, but I think it's important to look at how good parents behave.  To mimic their firmness with children within ourselves, to reward ourselves and set small goals like many parents do for their kids, to be firm and strict yet unquestionably loving with ourselves.  Look to good parents and ask, what are they doing that I'm not?  I think there is a lot to learn there.

 

On a side note just talking about random shit in my life, the downstairs neighbor came up to pay for Wifi.  My soon to be best friend Luci downstairs told that bitch she had to come up and pay and couldn't just have the password for free.  Now I won't be losing money from Wifi :))  I feel kinda weird cause she mentioned that Joe and Mercedes downstairs were dating.  I find this awkward because I told Joe he had to pay ahead of time because the last roommates stole Wifi money and were absolute bitches about it.  I also told him he had to send the MAC Addresses of all his devices so I could make sure he didn't give the password out to anyone else without me seeing it on the Wifi settings.  I'm glad I was firm here, because otherwise I know for sure he woulda just passed around the password, especially after I called his girlfriend a bitch and a thief.  Maybe that was too much, but he messaged me asking me if he could pay 5 dollars for the password (my portion at the time was 24 dollars that I had to pay alone).  I think I messaged him back telling him how stupid that was, I was certainly clear, probably a bit too rude.  One thing I've been trying to do is not let anyone take advantage of me in any capacity.  First of all, I don't like being taken advantage of.  Second, why would I let someone use me to build habits of treating other people like shit?  Silly silly 

[Shin]

Why so much anxiety though ? ?

[zambize]

6 minutes ago, Shin said:

Why so much anxiety though ? ?

Maybe you're anxious about anxiety you're anxious about and it's just a big loop of being more and more anxious about more and more anxiety until it's so utterly debilitating that you want to die, and only that amount of surrender will set you free because you actually dont give a fuck if you die it's so bad 

[Shin]

41 minutes ago, zambize said:

Maybe you're anxious about anxiety you're anxious about and it's just a big loop of being more and more anxious about more and more anxiety until it's so utterly debilitating that you want to die, and only that amount of surrender will set you free because you actually dont give a fuck if you die it's so bad 

I was talking about you ?

[zambize]

5 minutes ago, Shin said:

I was talking about you ?

Loyalist personality type, fear of looking like an idiot or saying something dumb, fear of not being good enough for my own standards or others, fear of not being able to be happy.  Those are some of my egos fears, although as I've said, me and my anxiety are buddies so I ain't tryna be rude and kick him out 

[Shin]

4 minutes ago, zambize said:

Loyalist personality type, fear of looking like an idiot or saying something dumb, fear of not being good enough for my own standards or others, fear of not being able to be happy.  Those are some of my egos fears, although as I've said, me and my anxiety are buddies so I ain't tryna be rude and kick him out 

Then it's only a matter of time until it becomes a joke ?

[zambize]

Goals day 12/66

I'm glad I didn't buy poptarts as I was feeling rather ravenous last night, I settled for the oranges I had bought.  As far as emotional sensitivity which I would say is the primary goal of this 66 day set of goals is going rather well.  I find myself surprisingly happy throughout the day and rather lucid and a lot gentler with myself.  Like I definitely trust myself more than anyone to handle myself emotionally, significantly more. 

Enlightenment work has been non-stop for probably a couple months now.  Having two distinct enlightenment experiences within a couple of months is a nice, "you're doing something right" for me.  I saw some people talking about how masters did self-inquiry sun up to sun down, but like is there another option?  There is just no way I couldn't be aware of the remaining resistance and suffering I feel, all day.  It's right in front of me at all times, and I have to make sure I spend the proper amount of time each day working with the emotions that come out of this kind of training.  I think enlightenment work emotionally can be a lot like riding a wave, you gotta get on and stay on.  Some people seem to fall off at some point and the negative emotions pile up, and keep piling up, however because so much negative emotion has piled up it becomes daunting to process any of it at all.  In this way it seems like some people can ride the wave of enlightenment while others just kind of get tossed around drowning and screaming in the wave of awareness that pushes forward

[zambize]

Goals day 13/66

I got granola bars instead of poptarts, which I think I was initially proud of but I'm kind of remembering that there probably isn't much of a difference, maybe more protein in the granola bars.  I've had some high-highs as well as some difficult moments surrendering to reality, at times it felt like my resistance was a bra strap on a really fat woman, I'm actually thinking of a particular photo one second.  Errr I guess it will be at the bottom?  Anyways, all day is spent surrendering whatever resistance I feel towards reality.  I've continued to become more expressive with my body as I've become more attuned to my own emotions, I also have really begun noticing people who do the same stuff I do, like covering up their mid section with their arms or hands when they are feeling a bit anxious.  When people talk about being excessively bored of people as they go on the spiritual path, I think they probably aren't very emotionally developed.  Those are often the people that are really intellectually fleshed out but lack the ability to connect on a human level.  Of course you're fucking bored interacting with other people, you don't have the connection, you don't look them in they eyes, you don't feel with them.  Good listening and good conversation takes skill and training.  You gotta tell your mind which thinks it's the most important thing in the world to shut the fuck up and listen to someone else.  I would liken the highest levels of listening to a state of Samadhi.  So deeply entranced in their story that you become them.

One thing that I think I've been guilty of in the past and am kind of seeing pop up more and more on the forums is escaping to non-duality.  There are often super practical conversations that point out a trap or toxic belief that someone might have, then they will kind of turn around and be like "well I don't exist, there is no me, rada rada"  It's like a shield, anytime you get uncomfortable just say you don't exist and you won't have to confront your feelings or uncomfortable truths.  

I think I would give myself an A for no intellectual reasons, just kinda feeling A

[Shin]

You must be so fun irl, I wanna meet you

[zambize]

20 minutes ago, Shin said:

You must be so fun irl, I wanna meet you

 actualized.org meat and greet, let's get every sexually adventurous person on this site naked in the same house 

@literallyeveryone(18+)(55-)

[Shin]

2 minutes ago, zambize said:

 actualized.org meat and greet, let's get every sexually adventurous person on this site naked in the same house 

@literallyeveryone(18+)(55-)

Actually I wasn't joking,

Fuck you MATE !

[zambize]

2 minutes ago, Shin said:

Actually I wasn't joking,

Fuck you MATE !

Oh well thank you kind sir :^)  theres a couple people on here given the chance to meet irl I probably would, youd probably be on that list depending on the day  

[zambize]

Goals day 14+15/66

This is just going to be the first things that pop into my head, it probably won't be of much value or interest to other people.  So I got up early today, at like 5:30 AM which is really fucking early and I stayed up, I've been doing that really well.  I'm pretty ready to get up in the morning recently.  Yesterday was actually pretty difficult, I felt even overwhelmed at times which has been a while.  At a couple points, it caused me to lose my gentleness during emotional healing and instead was a bit more harsh and rushed, which probably caused it to take a bit longer.  But like, sometimes when I let go of tension I'll feel like a click and a blockage kind of get released, as overwhelming as yesterday was, once I got into a good rhythm of metapohirization of tension, my brain really felt like it was clicking into place.  Like say on a typical acid trip if I will feel this sensation 20 times, I felt it maybe a couple hundred yesterday.  Today my emotional body feels quite whole.  I put my hand over my anxiety a second ago to kind of get a better sense of my emotional state and like there is still some anxiety but I could really feel the soft fabric of my shirt slide against my skin, and that felt really good, my body does in general today.  I might go to the library today, but I get distracted sometimes because a really cute girl will sit across from me or something.  It's not like I can't control myself sexually in the library, but typically because the way this library is set up it's kind of hard to like not look them in the eyes a couple of times, and then eventually it turns into me thinking more about how we awkwardly had eye-contact than focusing on my work.  I don't know if it was like some law of attraction bullshit, but I just feel like everyone at this library is so cute and expressive that it's hard to not get distracted.  One of the girls is one of them that like really gets into their work and leans down into, it's hard to explain but there is always something interesting there with people.  Meanwhile I was just animating a pikachu haha, I've been learning Unity which is a game engine, it'll be a fun creative outlet and maybe make me a buck one day.  I've also been thinking a lot about what kind of woman I want to be with, or maybe not a lot but I've been considering it more and more.  I think I kind of put it in the back of my mind until I had felt like I was really whole myself, and I feel like I'm at least at that point where I'm starting to be willing to actually make the first move.  Part of me is scared because I don't want to hurt anyone, and I know how easy it is to get attached to someone.  I also don't want to hurt myself, but I trust myself with myself emotionally to be able to get through that more than I do other people.  I really want someone in my life who can connect with kind of the three big categories of my life.  Most people usually get along with one or two of my femenine, masculine, or childlike sides but fail to connect with one of the others.  Which is fine for most people, I have friends that I know that a certain part of me is more likely to come out around them.  Hopefully I'll be able to find someone that kind of holistically accepts and understands me, but I still have a lot of work I can do on myself.  Earlier this morning I had an insight kind of on how my mindset has changed over time.  I think when I first saw stuff like spiral dynamics and spiritual tools where you can kind of label yourself, I would've been happy if someone told me I was yellow even if I kind of deep down knew I was Orange/Green.  Today, if I'm yellow, great, but if I'm orange/green, even better, then I have even more ways I can improve and be happier.  That's kind of the thought I had this morning that I was happy with because it is showing a kind of shift in perspective that my mind is having over time that will lead to me being more likely to accept my deficiencies and work through them.

Errrrr I gotta grade myself, I did really well but I started yanking on my resistance too much to give me an A+ but yesterday I remember genuinely admiring a part of me, which I guess I haven't really ever done.  Like I've known I'm very intelligent, but I guess it wasn't anything I ever was proud of because I was just born with it, but I felt myself being gentler with myself than I ever had before and yeah that was nice to be proud of some part of me

A for yesterday

[Shin]

[zambize]

1 minute ago, Shin said:

I fucking warned you, it was just random shit I was thinking of with 0000000000000000000000 thought of structure or an audience needing to understand it

Edit: I actually lowkey thought of making it double spaced for other people so nvm

Edited April 1, 2019 by zambize