<3

[zambize]

4 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

I was so idealistic, If my younger self would have seen what I've become, he would have killed himself immediately. Dynamite would work ok. But from here looking back, it doesnt seem all that bad. If that makes any sense,,,

I like that answer, I definitely wonder if I'll think the same when I'm older

 

 

On another note, I wanted to talk about one simple change you can make to your life.  So at the airport the other day, I had my bag with a tag on it from my last flight, and basically the guy had to spend his time ripping the old tag off for me because I had forgot and when we were leaving I looked back and watched him struggling.  My first reaction was to apologize and be like "sorry for forgetting to take that off", but I remembered I was trying to work on saying thank you instead of sorry.  I ended up saying "thank you for ripping that off for me", and he smiled back.  Instead of making it about saying sorry and him telling me it's okay.  I can turn it into a positive by not robbing him of gratitude and just focusing on him doing something right instead of me making a simple mistake if that makes any sense.  Say thank you for dealing with me, not sorry for being me.

 

 

 

[zambize]

It is our lack of social intelligence that makes it difficult for us to realize just how socially intelligent animals are

Edited March 23, 2019 by zambize

[zambize]

A Cool Cat

Tonight I spent a night out smoking with some friends, this is just kind of journaling how I felt about an interaction I had with one of my friend's cat and his girlfriend(who I also know independently a bit a from soccer and have been friendly with)

I spent a lot of the night watching my friends cat, he has a very dynamic personality.  The cat seems to have two faces.  On one hand he is cuddly and loving, and on the other he is a fighter with energy that wants to battle.  The cat is not an instigator necessarily, but it wants an excuse to get into a scuffle.  I wonder if this is because the owner has punished the cat for attacking first in the past, nonetheless the cat does have pent of energy it wants to spend battling you.  The strategy the cat seems to use is that it approaches people and comes off as friendly.  Oh how the cat rubs its face over one of my friends.  "I've never seen him do this"  My friend smiles at me, impressed that he's tamed the cat.  I think I get the cats tactic.  What the cat is doing is pretending to be friendly and acting like it wants to be pet.  This cat is a bit of an alpha, he's not fooling me with being that cuddly.  My friend becomes more and more confident with the cat liking him and pets him in more and more risky places, eventually the snaps at kind of swats and bites at him.  He is surprised, people react "that cat is bipolar".  I don't think that cat is bipolar.  That cat gets these jolts of fighting energy that it wants to get out and has come up with an interesting strategy to get the excuse to kind of fight with people.  Once it fights with you for a bit, you can back off and go sit somewhere else, the cat will oh so conveniently hop up on the couch and look at you as it sits next to you.  Rinse and repeat I guess.

This is what me and my friend's girlfriends both noticed, and I had made some remarks about it to her how interesting this cats personality was, this was one of the first things I had said to her tonight and when I looked her in the eyes to say it, I realized she was there with me.  In that moment, our eyes held contact for at least six seconds as we talked about the cats strange tendencies.  I could tell she was very intuitive and she was reading me, moreover she was confident, her posture was independent of me and she had no signs of feeling uncomfortable by my eye contact.  The night kind of continued and we were watching cops, the cat swatted a play bunny off the top of his little four story cat tower, I laughed at it and kind of looked around the room to see how everyone was reacting.  I was most curious about my friend's girlfriend because I've been working on my emotional awareness a bit and she was by far the most emotionally aware and expressive.  She had a more of an accomplished smile, a kind of fire in her eye with some happiness.  I realized then that I didn't remember the toy being up there, she put it up there knowing the cat wouldn't want it in her territory.  Now I'm interested.  "You put that up there didn't you" I asked,  "Yeah" she smiled back going over and placing the Bunny a floor below now on the third floor of the cat tower.  I realized she was marking out his territory incrementally, I had to make sure.  I asked her about it and she smiled and talked about her being a psychology major,  that confirmed my suspicions, she's clearly very smart and likes to profile.  This is a fun little experiment.  I'm curious how confident she is in herself, I look her in the eyes with a bit more intensity and ask "so you like to profile people?"  She holds eye contact and says "Oh I profile everyone" and she smiles, we held eye contact for a couple seconds, kind of acknowledging how I had given her a microphone and thrown her on stage, she did me one better and gave both a song and dance.  We talked about her brother and their relationship, she mentions that it's tense.  She talks about how he looks down on her because she can't do math or science that well.  I wonder if this is her insecurity, I change my posture up to be more soft and small, I point my body at her to let her know my attention is on her.  I'm curious of how she will react to that.  I can't tell if she notices, but she continues on talking to me about her major, and what were some of her favorite classes.  The cat moved down and kind of grabbed the bunny and threw it off the third story of the building, I got up and grabbed the bunny and placed it within an enclosed cat box portion which was on the second story of this cat playhouse.  After a couple of minutes, the cat came down into the house, grabbed it by the neck, tossed it off the house and jumped after it landing on the bunny and tearing at its neck, I'm not sure if the cat was getting out some additional energy or just showing off in front of the crowd.  I got up and put the bunny on the final level, the first story of the cat's totem.  The cat jumped up and looked at the bunny.  It grabbed it and lightly tossed it towards the edge.  The bunny didn't quite fall of the edge.  Another small nudge and the cat only pushed the bunny closer and closer to the edge. The cat pushed it up all the way to the edge of this level and placed its paw on the bunnies chest, and pressed the bunny backwards and just before the bunny was sure to fall off the edge, the cat gave in a bit and pulled the bunny back in.  It began repeating the process where it would get as close to pushing the bunny off, and then would at the last minute save it. Perhaps this cat is showing its dominance, or perhaps its just playfully getting some energy out.  Its hard to tell, but there are certainly some interesting social dynamics involved in the cat.  After a while of toying with the bunnies emotions, the cat let the bunny lay on the edge as it proceeded to climb up to the top story and sulk in his glory at the highest point in the room.  He was a merciful king after all.  I looked at the girl to see if she had understood the situation, she smiled at me and said something along the lines of "I love people who ask random questions" or something like that.  I took it as a bow, she seemed to appreciate the situation and also noticed how he made his way back up to the top.  That was fun, I enjoy someone who accepts an invitation to dance a bit.

 

Edited March 23, 2019 by zambize

[zambize]

Goals day 4+5/66

I've been really getting up right out of bed which is great, I'm more excited to get going in the morning, that helps.

I got home and was a bit lazy with food so I ended up eating some trash, I need to go grocery shopping and meal prep something

My interactions with everyday people are definitely getting a lot better, being more receptive of peoples emotions allows you to kind of keep the conversation in a place that they are passionate about.  An engaging conversation is a good one in my opinion.  I used to have a problem where someone would bore me too much if they couldnt intellectually stimulate me, which narrowed down who I could kind of be interested in talking to, now I can connect on a human level much easier with just about anyone.  There is so much more to a conversation than just its content, so much unsaid.

 

[zambize]

In considering how I would create my own myths, I thought about the creatures that are frequently in mythology.  They are often parts of animals that we find in our animal kingdom.  I was ready to overthink this, but I believe they did this because its much easier to give the reader a clear mental image of a monster/creature by using sub parts that we see in every day life.  It would be so difficult for an author of a myth to lay out a similarly complex creature as manbearpig from the great South Park in words without relying on images you already have in your head.  If I make a myth I'm going to have some fucking badass composite creatures that's for sure

[zambize]

Short Story On The Need Of Authenticity 

 

The Puppeteer and the Puppetress 

 

The Puppeteer and the Puppetress let their puppets lead the way in their life.  Letting them scout out the territory of life ahead of the Puppeteer.  After all, the Puppeteer's own heart was oh so tender, and his puppet was just made out of wood.  Once he realized that the person he was interacting with wouldn't betray his heart, he would replace himself with the puppet, and all would be well!  One day the Puppeteer was walking through the market when he saw the beautiful Puppetress, both with their puppets out.  He walked over to her, small talk escalated into conversation, conversation into dinner, and by the end of the night, both the Puppeteer and the Puppetress were ready to replace their wooden dolls with their own warmth.  The Puppetress came first and opened up fully about her insecurities and how she feels about herself and her life, and the puppet.  The Puppetress broke down and in her tears she found solace in the puppet.  The Puppeteer panicked, for it was him who was supposed to embrace the Puppetress and be her console, it was he who loved her, not his puppet.  But seeing the the Puppetress confess her love for the puppet and seeing how she had genuinely healed from the situation, the Puppeteer decided he would wait until later and slowly replace himself with the puppet overtime so he himself could embrace the Puppetress.  Days became weeks, weeks became months, months became years.  The Puppeteer has now surrendered himself to grief, for only his puppet has received any of the love that he needs.  The Puppetress doesn't know what is wrong, the puppet seems happy on the surface but cracks begin to show.  She herself is robbed of the warmth of the Puppeteer's hands, and instead has to settle for the cold wooden puppets hands to caress her face. 

 

Be wary about how authentic you are with people because it's you that needs love, and even if you manage to be fake with someone and hold it together, you will be robbing them of genuine warmth if you aren't able to keep it real with them.  Love comes from your hands, don't be fake

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

11 hours ago, zambize said:

 

A Cool Cat

Tonight I spent a night out smoking with some friends, this is just kind of journaling how I felt about an interaction I had with one of my friend's cat

 

Marc Schinkel posted a funny video on Dumivid's journal of a Russian Cat who thinks it's a dog and plays fetch.

i like the Allegory of the Puppets,,,

[zambize]

Just my thoughts about dinner last night and getting some of my feelings about my family on "paper".

 

So this was at primequarters and had my parents, brother, sister, brother's gf, and grandparents on my fathers side.  One of the first things I noticed was my grandma lighting up like a Christmas tree when she saw me.  She isn't really treated so well or appreciated by her husband, and receives basically no affection.  My grandma power walks over to me "you look really good you look like you lost some weight",  I thought back to last time I saw her, I felt like we talked about this already and that I wasn't much skinnier then.  I smiled at her because I appreciate her trying to be nice and start conversation. She starts rubbing up and down my arm with her hand exclaiming how much weight I must have lost.  I take this as her wanting an excuse to be physical affectionate with me to some degree, but this grandma of all the grandparents is accepted the most by my soft side and I don't flinch or mind when she touches me.  Throughout the night she was pretty touchy, at the buffet line I felt her start giving me a back massage of sorts, again my body accepts her touch pretty well and I do love her, so I don't mind this and it didn't make me feel uncomfortable.  I would prefer people show me maybe an appropriate amount of affection for the time/person to me, sometimes it feels like if someone I don't have that emotional relationship tries to be super lovely dovey, my reaction is closer to "what do you need from me?"  She ended up cooking her steak by me, if you've never been there everyone cooks their own steak, which somehow went well for me. It was a guessing game.  I mean it was master intuition.  When it's just me and her, she cuts a bit of the crap that she has around her husband.  They have no emotional connection and don't really talk about anything deep.  My grandma often uses our alone time to talk about the stuff she never gets to at home,  I don't mind, this is much better for me anyways more one on one.  At the table sitting down with everyone, I often look around and will just see her like super smiley kind of staring at me.  Like definitely staring at me.  I offer her a soft smile, I do appreciate her love but my cup is overflowing.  Too sugary sweet for me personally, although I really do appreciate her trying to connect with me, and it works to a very real degree

 

My grandpa doesn't own the same place in my heart because we never connected either.  He kind of uses me as a trophy boy.  How his grandson got first in class, or maybe some sports achievements.  He has no fucking clue my personality or my hobbies.  When we go over to breakfast, he will sit down and eat for 20 minutes, and then when he gets to antsy and has been around us long enough to have an excuse to take off, he does.  I hear him talking about his sister who had a shit ass family and how now she is depressed at home.   He says something about needing to get her pills for her depression to "make the funny feelings go away".  I cringe.  I can't tell if he's trying to be funny but I know his sister a bit, and even though she's a fucking dumb ass she's very sweet.  I said something like "Yeah no, that's not something that should or can be treated by a pill alone, if she is having depression someone needs to look help her out with any loneliness or whatever problems she might have in her life".  My grandma immediately backs me up haha, I'm sure both cause I'm her little angel and she suffers from loneliness herself.  I was worried that I had like ruined the mood because my grandpa took it in kind of a somber way, and quieted down a lot.  Sometimes these dinners get tense on this side of the family.  I tried to make comments about how good the food was whatnot (he was paying) but he was just in another place, very reserved.  Possibly thinking about his own family which is mostly dead or dying, and his sister who is alone suffering from depression.  He's a tough nut kind of guy, but I assume that's a lot of emotional stress to handle.  

As for my mom, she sat next to me.  She is the most social of my family.  This has never meshed too well with me because I'm actually a bit introverted in public.  My mom is the type of person who will hold you conversationally hostage if she isn't being entertained by anyone.  That can be pretty fucking annoying.  Anyways, my sister was joking about how on our last family vacation the only lighter for my joint was my grandma's oven, and you bet I used that.  Unfortunately the house smelled a bit like weed, and I didn't bag up the stash that well so an hour before they got home, the house smelt pretty dank.  That was resolved with fixing the bagging, opening up all the windows, and fans btw.  But anyways, my brother kind of got my attention laughing because he had just heard this from my sister about how I made grandma's house smell like weed and also went out for an hour and a half walk to smoke the joint outside.  I just looked at him and said "par for course I guess", which my sister and them thought was funny enough to laugh at.  My mom asks me what they are laughing at, I basically dodge the question and hope she thinks I'm just fake laughing with them.  She does this a lot, she wants to be apart of our conversations, but from past experience, I know I am not interested in talking to her about any bad choices I make or anyone I'm crushing on.  On one hand I feel bad that she feels left out of the conversation that is actually making people laugh, but on the other, she just shuts down those conversations and thinks they are too raunchy or has nothing to say.  

[zambize]

17 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

Marc Schinkel posted a funny video on Dumivid's journal of a Russian Cat who thinks it's a dog and plays fetch.

i like the Allegory of the Puppets,,,

I'm glad, especially in personal development when people get good at understanding different personality types and can largely create their own on the spot, they gotta make sure they ain't just using their puppet in life

[Shin]

I had a dream with you ?

[zambize]

21 minutes ago, Shin said:

I had a dream with you ?

Were you screaming like a baby trying to get me to save you from something?  Or something more erotic?

[Shin]

Just now, zambize said:

Were you screaming like a baby trying to get me to save you from something?  Or something more erotic?

No you were deluded about your enlightenment.

It was pretty funny, but that's the only thing I remember

[zambize]

Just now, Shin said:

No you were deluded about your enlightenment.

It was pretty funny, but that's the only thing I remember

That's so rude, you're deluded about my delusion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Shin]

I think it was before I had an existential crisis in the nightmare after ,

So be nice I even remember your sorry face

(I am telling you my life ? No, not at all )

[zambize]

2 minutes ago, Shin said:

I think it was before I had an existential crisis in the nightmare after ,

So be nice I even remember your sorry face

(I am telling you my life ? No, not at all )

Hopefully I look better in dream than I do in pixels 

You're telling me some of your life, but not all.  One thing you have to remember is to not talk too much about your own life or direct experience and to stick to just repeating what you heard from the last video you watched.  It is called impersonal development after all 

 

[Shin]

Just now, zambize said:

Hopefully I look better in dream than I do in pixels 

You're telling me some of your life, but not all.  One thing you have to remember is to not talk too much about your own life or direct experience and to stick to just repeating what you heard from the last video you watched.  It is called impersonal development after all 

 

Oh yeah I forgot to bypassing my emotions, sorry master.
I should never ever look at my emotions, they could be telling truths I need to hear in order to grow !

I think there was a bromance in the dream, no shit

[zambize]

3 minutes ago, Shin said:

Oh yeah I forgot to bypassing my emotions, sorry master.
I should never ever look at my emotions, they could be telling truths I need to hear in order to grow !

I think there was a bromance in the dream, no shit

Holy shit a bromance!  I can just imagine a bromantic night out reading the latest installment of One Piece or duoing bot lane in League of Legends 

[Shin]

1 minute ago, zambize said:

Holy shit a bromance!  I can just imagine a bromantic night out reading the latest installment of One Piece or duoing bot lane in League of Legends 

[zambize]

10 minutes ago, Shin said:

Awkward bot lane that game.

I'm actually not sure if having a SO who played league and could duo both would be the most amazing blessing, or the reason the relationship doesn't work out in the end

Edited March 24, 2019 by zambize

[zambize]

A crude diamonds' facets judge each other and seek to cover each other up.  The largest facet, however ugly, will believe the diamond's crudeness comes from somewhere other than itself.  It will seek to blame, judge, and repress more and more until there is nothing it can do but admit its own crudeness.

 

A standard diamond has beautiful facets.  Each of them searching for the spotlight, but only through their own shine.  When the jeweler turns the standard diamond, and scans over each facet, they all shine as bright as they can for him, yet they fail to work together to produce anything beauty other than their own.  

 

A polished diamond is more refined than the standard diamond.  All of its facets are beautiful, and seek to shine in their own light.  Yet, this diamond's facets understand when they need to shine a little brighter, or reduce their intensity a bit such that there is balance to the jewel.  The facets work in tandem to produce a beautiful diamond greater than the sum of its parts by cooperation and awareness of the other facets, and how they can work together to make the most beautiful jewel.