<3

[zambize]

I think I want to write about the first thing that comes to my head.  

League of legends

Yikes, this one is going to be hard imma get a drink while I think about this one.

Okay I'm back and think I can do this.

League of legends and gaming in general definitely brings out parts of my personality that arent necessarily as evident in real life.  One of the things in league of legends is I will always go for the play.  Always.  If there is a chance to style on someone or make a play, I will do it, and learn from it if i make a mistake.  In real life this is kind of mirrored by if I think something could be done or said, I'm going to say it or try it.  Today we went back to that park to go on those kind of swing handle bars and I put my legs up over the bars so I was hanging on with my arms from one bar, and I front of me, my legs were up over a bar aswell.  I then let go of my hands from the bar and used all my force to curl my body around and try to grab the bars by doing a backbend of sorts while hanging from my legs. I failed, I'm not flexible enough nor did I swing quite hard enough.  My grandparents saw this and kind of had that look on their face like, what the heck is that even possible.  They actually asked me if I had done it or if it's even doable, I shrugged, my internal monologue was something like "fuck if I know".  My point is that I have a lifestyle of "fuck it try it" that definitely gets highlighted in league of legends.  

It also brings out my aggressiveness.  Ironically my mom told me today she doesnt like playing strategy games with me because "I just go for the jugular".  That's fair Haha.  In league of legends I play characters that are known for being particularly aggressive and smashing people 1v1.  I dont let up for a second either, I watch every single movement from the other player and maximally punish every misstep to the most of my ability. Maybe I take this too seriously for the average player, but as an optimizer I find fun in it.  

That's all I want to write, sorry if it was a bit shallow, but I wanted to write about the first stupid thing I thought about :^)

[zambize]

You dreamed a bit along the lines of loneliness and rejection.  Especially in regards to a significant other through various dreams.  Could be a good topic for me to write about in the morning (currently 3am woke up in the middle of the night).  One thing ive never seriously considered is dream journaling, but I think it's a good opportunity to try and get an idea of what emotions I have that might be going unprocessed 

[zambize]

When helping someone, it's important to find the proper balance of

1. Introducing them to new information they might not know

2. Acting as a safe emotional outlet to help them articulate their inner emotions without feeling judged.

3. Asking thought provoking questions so that the person remains active in the conversation, and doesn't rely on you for all their answers, teach force them to think for themselves

[zambize]

Fucking christ took me 20 minutes to find this song from a thread a long time ago, absolutely worth 

 

 

[zambize]

I would say I preformed a bit better today than I expected, if I could suck my own dick I would, but I can't, I tried when I was younger and heard Marilyn Manson took out a rib to do it.  I'm skeptical of that, but that was the inspiration.

Anyways without further ado

What I did well:

I would say I did really well in terms of equanimity today, it was a bit of an emotionally intense day, but I felt super confident in my ability to handle it and have conversations with people and connect with them.

I did so well in checking the forums less and keeping off my phone for much of the day, and all of dinner.  I also took my own advice in not having so many tabs open when I'm listening to music, it allows me to keep my focus much stronger on the song and emotional healing rather than kind of having one eye on the actualized.org tab to see if I had a notification.  Allowed me to double triple the amount of healing today.

I had really good conversations with everyone today in real life.  Maybe I said something really fucking stupid on here, but I didn't have a single conversation that wasn't a positive experience for both sides, kudos me.

What I didn't do so well:

I slept in too long.  I gotta stop being such a fucking baby about getting out of bed in the morning.  I need to trust my biological clock more and when I get up at 8AM, or w/e I should get into the shower and start getting ready instead of going back to sleep.  Too much sleep makes me feel tired and is unnecessary, I feel better when I just start my day and trust my biological clock, I can do better here.

I want to stop over analyzing my everyday life in terms of personal growth, I don't want to break down everything throughout the day into pros and cons.  It's a real strength of mine how well I can intellectually dissect my life, but I'm tiring myself out and overusing that tool when it isn't needed, and it's causing an unnecessary burden on myself and taking away from the moment.  I'm going to try and leave my heavy analytical thinking in the morning so I have a plan for how I am going to attack the day, and when I am going to bed and want to reflect on my day (IE rn).  I want the middle of my day to be more flow-like, more emotionally intense, more lucid, and less analytical.

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

On 3/18/2019 at 9:24 PM, zambize said:

if I could suck my own dick I would, but I can't, I tried when I was younger and heard Marilyn Manson took out a rib to do it.  I'm skeptical of that, but that was the inspiration.

30 Years ago a friend and I were staying drunk for a week sitting around a campfire while everyone else was out trying to murder something in the woods. One of the young hounds wandered back and layed down and started licking himself. I looked at the dog and remarked, " I wish I could do that." My friend without hesitation said, "You better pet him first." So naturally that witicism with me in the middle of it got repeated far and wide for years.

One good thing about getting older. The torture of hornyness isn't nearly as intense as it is in younger years.

 

Regarding your gaming traits as a player and your self described tendency to over analyze makes you sound like a counter phobic type 6 or maybe an eight on the Enneagram of personality. Have you typed yourself in any typology?

 

Edited March 21, 2019 by Zigzag Idiot
I had misspelled hornyness

[zambize]

19 minutes ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

30 Years ago a friend and I were staying drunk for a week sitting around a campfire while everyone else was out trying to murder something in the woods. One of the young hounds wandered back and layed down and started licking himself. I looked at the dog and remarked, " I wish I could do that." My friend without hesitation said, "You better pet him first." So naturally that witicism with me in the middle of it got repeated far and wide for years.

One good thing about getting older. The torture of hornless isn't nearly as intense as it is in younger years.

 

Regarding your gaming traits as a player and your self described tendency to over analyze makes you sound like a counter phobic type 6 or maybe an eight on the Enneagram of personality. Have you typed yourself in any typology?

 

I had never done my Enneagram of personality, or however you word that.  I would say I relate more with the sixth because even though I can be literally everything listed in the summary of eights. 

"Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering."

I would say that's less fundamental to me than a lot of what I read from type six, of all the psychological ailments, I really only suffer from anxiety.  I cry but I rarely feel sad, it's usually happy or just an emotional moment so to say. I am a very committed person, and that's partially why I have such a high standard on my relationships.  It's emotionally taxing for me to cut people out of my life, and I really enjoy long lasting deep authentic relationships.  I do end up becoming very loyal to my loved ones, so I definitely think there is something to be said there.  I'm also very rebellious, I had the habit of breaking rules when I was younger just to exercise my freedom and kinda say "fuck you this is my life".  I also typically take a moderate stance on stuff and seek to unite extremes on issues and try to get everyone to see each other's POV. Overall I think that's a pretty good analysis of my personality but I tend to think reality is much more nuanced than the models used to understand it

Also your story made me laugh, I appreciate that 

 

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

8 minutes ago, zambize said:

Overall I think that's a pretty good analysis of my personality but I tend to think reality is much more nuanced than the models used to understand it

On the Essence or endocrine typology, going by your picture and the nature of what you write, I also typed you as of the Solar mars type. If your drawn to it, it would give some added nuance. The two typologies add to one another. Personality is more fixed by conditioning and alterable. Essence is in the genetics and is more fixed. I paraphrase crudely sometimes,,,

http://destinyclemens.com/Destinyclemens/Gallery_3/Pages/Mars-Solar.html

i don't agree with this site in that he has an "Earth" type. It's an altered form of what I've learned. It's the only site I've found with pictures of Essence Types, though. Most everything else other than that, of the Earth type, is right on.

[zambize]

25 minutes ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

On the Essence or endocrine typology, going by your picture and the nature of what you write, I also typed you as of the Solar mars type. If your drawn to it, it would give some added nuance. The two typologies add to one another. Personality is more fixed by conditioning and alterable. Essence is in the genetics and is more fixed. I paraphrase crudely sometimes,,,

http://destinyclemens.com/Destinyclemens/Gallery_3/Pages/Mars-Solar.html

i don't agree with this site in that he has an "Earth" type. It's an altered form of what I've learned. It's the only site I've found with pictures of Essence Types, though. Most everything else other than that, of the Earth type, is right on.

That's interesting, I've never heard of type vs personality.  I definitely resonated a lot with Mars-Solar based off the link you posted, I can definitely be a loose cannon haha 

[zambize]

Favorite zen koan

A disciple asked the master: "What is the most expensive thing in the world”? The master replied: “The head of a dead cat, because no body gives it a price”. 

[zambize]

I'll start by saying I got right up this morning, I was really close to not getting right up, but I think preparing myself and having it in my mind explicitly how I wanted to improve in the morning gave me that extra motivation.  +100 exp me

So while I want to be less analytical during my day, I want to do a better job in practical analytical thinking, and how I apply it to my life.  I would also like to show you how intellectualism might be used to help one on their spiritual path.  It's important to me to really push the limits of intellectualism to truly see where its limits exist.  I often see people site it's limits and then have logical fallacies, shit reasoning, and zero structure in their responses.  It would be like seeing a preschooler site the limits of math, they just don't know them because they don't know math yet.

I think one way to look at how fast and efficient we can grow is to think of how fast zambize 10.0 can go to zambize 11.0.  This is where it gets a bit complicated because there has been both continuous improvement in my life, and discrete jumps in awareness in my life.  But the basic idea is how fast can I look at my life, decide what habits and personality traits I want to work on, maximize the rate at which I embody those habits, reevaluate from my new perspective what habits and personality traits I want to work on, and repeat.  It's a feedback loop and you want to maximize the effectiveness and amount of loops.  So how might one maximize these things?

First it's important to realize that we can only embody so much at a time, too much and it can be overwhelming, and we can be inefficient or just flat out end up dropping it all.  The first step in this process might look like listing of the most pertinent goals in your life.  I think this should go into two categories with a balance of both positively motivated goals, as well as bad habits that you might want to get rid of.  I'll do this for myself.

 

Things I want to add to my life:

I want to continue to focus on equanimity and emotional sensitivity throughout the day.

I want to explore my own femininity deeply, and make sure I am not repressing any of that as I did through a lot of my life.

I want to explore my creative side more and get damn good at it, be it dancing/painting/creating music

I want to continue to connect with people and form meaningful relationships

 

Things I want to remove from my life:

I want to stop going to bed after I wake up, and make sure I do a good job of getting right up into the shower and starting my day.

I want to stop munching on junk food when I don't want it.  Sometimes I find myself eating to eat, or drinking to drink, and then regretting later.

I want to make sure I'm not coming off as cold when I think a hard truth needs to be said.

I want stop overusing intellectualism,  even though it might be one of my greatest strength, it's just a tool.  Those tools have specific advantages and disadvantages, and while it's important to know my strengths and utilize them, it's also important to not get into the habit of relying on that tool too much.

 

Now that I have a basic list of habits I want to form or remove from my life, in order to continue with the maximization, I need to think about my day ahead of me.  Based on this day today, what can I choose to do or not to do to maximize the embodiment of my goals.  For example, if I see myself being in more social situations, it might be appropriate to pick a goal for the day to focus on that centers around that.  Of course you can pick a goal, and put yourself in those situations, but that might not always be the case.  Today I am with family on vacation, I think we are staying at the house for most of the day, so I will want my choice of goals to reflect the environment I am in today. I'll pick two from each category, that seems manageable.  

 

 

I want to continue to focus on equanimity and emotional sensitivity throughout the day.

I want to explore my own femininity deeply, and make sure I am not repressing any of that as I did through a lot of my life.

I want to stop munching on junk food when I don't want it.  Sometimes I find myself eating to eat, or drinking to drink, and then regretting later.

I want stop overusing intellectualism,  even though it might be one of my greatest strength, it's just a tool.  Those tools have specific advantages and disadvantages, and while it's important to know my strengths and utilize them, it's also important to not get into the habit of relying on that tool too much.

Okay so of my goals, I have picked four things that I feel like in the environment I will be in today, will allow me the most growth.  I'm typing a bit more than I want, so in my head I will be doing the analysis of how I can be the most efficient in terms of embodying these goals.  I might be trying to put myself in certain situations more, or setting aside time to meditate, but I'm not going to be specific here.

 

From a more mathematical point of view, you are trying to maximize an equation.

(16 (physical/mental effort) - (time spent not embodying))*Efficiency of embodiment 

So some simple things to consider.  The 16 is waking hours, which is going to be some function of physical and mental effort for me, I will fall asleep sooner and sleep longer if I have exerted myself.  

Time spent embodying does not mean time spent arguing theory with people on the forums, or non-dual semantic debates.  This is going out and acting, not talking about it, doing it.  All the time you spend talking about doing it, is less time actually doing it.  That's why I'm trying to use my analytical brain more so before I go out during the day, and when I get back and want to reflect, hence this morning post.  I think this will help me maximize embodiment throughout the day.

Finally efficiency of embodiment is something to consider. I need to be able to look at my goals for the day and ask, how can I put myself in the perfect situations to practice embodying those goals, and I need to act on that.  I won't be typing that out here either, but I will be thinking about that.  

Peace bitches

[zambize]

Forgot about a great creative outlet, gotta go though before the zombies come 

 

 

[Shin]

"Need just a bit more ore"

5 hours later

"oh, a squirrel !"

 

[zambize]

16 minutes ago, Shin said:

"Need just a bit more ore"

5 hours later

"oh, a squirrel !"

 

I literally died from a midget zombie cause they changed the combat system I guess to where you can only swing so many times or it doesn't do damage, I sat there with my mouth open in disbelief for a hot second or two

[Shin]

Just now, zambize said:

I literally died from a midget zombie cause they changed the combat system I guess to where you can only swing so many times or it doesn't do damage, I sat there with my mouth open in disbelief for a hot second or two

Noob 

[zambize]

Just now, Shin said:

Noob 

Wait till I find some diamonds 

[Shin]

2 minutes ago, zambize said:

Wait till I find some diamonds 

You'll be a noob with a shiny sword, that won't change your fundamental existential nature 

 

[zambize]

3 minutes ago, Shin said:

You'll be a noob with a shiny sword, that won't change your fundamental existential nature 

 

I'll also have shiny armor, I  think I'll make gold boots for flare and the rest diamond for practicality, it's a dangerous world

[Shin]

1 minute ago, zambize said:

I'll also have shiny armor, I  think I'll make gold boots for flare and the rest diamond for practicality, it's a dangerous world

 

Just don't forget  

 

[zambize]

17 minutes ago, Shin said:

 

Just don't forget  

 

An awesome one with gold boots now