Spirituality work, intense experiences, where am I now?

[Joshaps]

First of all, I apologize if this is in the wrong section, and I will delete/move it if I need to.

 

I don't post here often, clearly. But i've followed Leo and his videos for some time.

Part of the forum intimidates me, but that's not what this thread is about.

I've followed Leo and his videos for some time. Years. I've experimented with LSD and marijuana.

I've had some very radical experiences, some may consider 'awakening' or 'ah-ha', and even more recently, that 'big O' moment.

I don't consider myself enlightened by practical standards or anyone, and i'm concerned using these terms will turn the topic away with what i'm trying to convey.

I've been admitted to a psychiatric ward twice, mostly due to the LSD (everyone in my life points to the drugs, and I will coincide that they certainly didn't help)

I attribute it to my lack of good foundation. Even my 2nd visit was not as intense nor as long because I already knew how to conduct myself once I got out of the mental tizzy that sent me there.

It's hard to put into words, as I'm sure anyone on this forum can appreciate, so the best thing I can do is simply to convey my experience.

Before anyone gets worked up to tell me I need to seek help, I am already working with a therapist, taking medication, and getting very healthy support from my family and friends. I don't consider my situation unstable at all, and am very fortunate to have. They do not, however, really share my worldviews when it comes to the ideas expressed by Leo or on this forum. (enlightenment, nonduality, spirituality, self-actualization, etc) I've been doing this work on my own and not really talking or sharing it with anyone because I recognize that it is deeply personal work and any answer I try to seek from another kind of undermines the whole godhead idea.  

After my first trip to the psychiatric ward, I stopped taking LSD and still haven't to this day. That was at least 2-3 years ago. I was a mess, and will freely admit I was not personally ready to take such a deep dive (I was doing things like meditating while on acid)

The biggest contributing factor was that began to believe my body was somewhere it was not, and I could be unintentionally be hurting myself or people around me.(Im sure plenty of you have seen/experienced 'freakouts' on these substances) This seems heavily influenced by the LSD. It took me being in a ward where people could monitor me to get over it. The people around me in the ward certainly didn't help me with any of my delusions.

After my visit, i stepped away from anything related to self inquiry. I got a 2nd job and worked my ass off so to not put my family through that again. I got comfy and started smoking marijuana on a regular basis. I started to become a bit of a bum and didn't like it. I began to work on myself in a very... how do I put this.. 'grounded' way. I tried to improve myself in way that werent related to spirituality or enlightenment at all. Following a day to day schedule, weightlifting, changing my diet, etc. Very, 'in reality' kind of methods.

Finally Leo uploads his 'What is god part 1& 2 videos. I start watching them, taking notes. A lot of what he condenses makes a lot of sense and I begin to experience things again closer to more non-dual experiences. I began to draw lines to what he was saying, what I was experiencing, and even doctrines were saying (Like cChristianity) things were making 'too much' sense. I began experiencing reality in a way that seemed like it was reacting to me and I was reacting to it. (in retrospect they seem heavily based on my ego projections, at least) and it made it difficult to 'survive'. 

I went back to the same hospital that I had been to previously.. but by that time I was done with my illusions, and my stay was not long. Now I'm told everything was triggered by the drugs, (I engage in a lot of self-talk and self-criticism, and that could have been amplified by the drugs , ill admit) part of me can appreciate that, and another part wants to really get to the bottom of how much was triggered by the drugs, where I am on this scale of noduality thinking.

I understand that this can complicate things, but it's funny because I had that big 'O' moment and have really come full circle. That saying where the practice is like shaking your closed fist to get a child excited, only to open it and reveal your empty palm. I need to live my life, fully live it, and I want to. But I do not want to 'give up' on this line of non-duality thinking. I guess I just want to do it properly. 

I apologize if this is more rambled than I intended, there are too many things, to many experiences for me to really condense it all here.. 

I guess I just want to know... after all this, where am I now? How do I move forward in a healthy way.

It feels weird to consider myself enlightened, it feels more like, i'd going in a spiral direction, getting a little better each time. If that makes any sense.

I guess im looking for some way to frame all of this a way, so that I can make the most of my experiences so far and live in a way that will lead to self-actualization

 

 

Edited March 14, 2019 by Joshaps

[zambize]

How do you feel right now?  Are you suffering in this moment at all or resisting anything?  Would you consider yourself unconditionally happy?  

And those are just things I want,  I guess I didnt get a sense of what you want from your post, so it's hard to tell you what you should do.  Do you want to be happier, more aware of the present, better more genuine relationships with people, a life purpose?  What do you want and what seems to be in your way of getting it?

Also you seem like you've recovered well, that's great 

[Nahm]

@Joshaps

Keep on the healing / health / self discipline lifestyle. Keep accepting all the help available, as you are. 

There is nothing you’re missing. There is something you’re adding, which you can inspect, and therefore understand & realize how you’re adding it, and it is overthinking, thinking against yourself, and thinking nonduality. 

Byron Katie’s The Work (app) is as simple and efficient as it gets in addressing residual hurt ‘from the past’, overthinking & thinking against yourself. (Those turn out to be the same)

Nonduality wise, you’re thinking about nonduality, and or thinking the perspective ‘nonduality’. 

What will liberate, what I believe you’re looking for, is the understanding that ‘nonduality’ is. It already is. You know this, and you’re also “remembering the big O”, and thinking nondually. Nonduality is. Thought veils. There is no such thing as a True thought. You are the Truth. There is no such thing as a thought about nonduality. When all thought subsides, ceases, what already was prior to thought, is. It just now is, without the veil of thinking

So how to be without thinking, right? 

There’s past experience which you’re torn between bringing up and dealing with - or - just letting go of / not bringing up anymore, yes?   But neither is “working”, yes?

[mandyjw]

Nahm's advice is great.

Focus on working to deal with the self talk and self criticism. Make peace of mind and clarity in everyday life your goal. It sounds like you've read chapter one and the last chapter of the book while skipping all the stuff in between. 

I'd also highly recommend Eckhart Tolle's, The Power of Now. 

 

[Forestluv]

@Joshaps I’ve found that as I develop, my previous experiences get recontextualuzed. Some of my lowest moments have led to deep insights and eventually helped develop empathy and have become helpful to others,

I think personal development and spiritual concepts are great, yet I’m not sensing much about grounding practices. I’ve found practices that ground me in the present moment really help with mental stability. For me, my top three grounding practices are:

1. Breathing. I prefer breathing exercises in kriya yoga and yin yoga. It was awkward at first, yet once I got through the initial begginner stage, it’s become a potent grounding tool.

2. Balancing postures in yoga. Balancing postures force the mind-body to be aware and attentive in the present moment. If the mind wanders, you fall. One cannot half-ass balance postures. Again, it can be a bit awkward at first, yet once you start getting it down it becomes absolutely amazing. The relationship between mind-body, ground, balance, strength, focus, stillness, effort and relaxation goe so deep. I was blown away.  

3. Nature. Getting away from all the theory, memories, worries, human interactions etc. can help relax and clear the mind. Here, we don’t want to be worrying and thinking about stuff. Let all that go for a little while. When the mind-body is fully relaxed in nature and begins observing and being within nature, magnificence is revealed. You mention you would like to learn about nonduality. I can’t think of a better nonduality teacher than nature. It is the absolute best classroom. Observe the inter-relationships between insects, plants, animals, streams, rocks etc. They are all one system living in harmony, Let yourself go and allow yourself to connect and communicate with nature. Nature can be so gentle and forgiving. It is not judgemental or critical. I can go to depths in nature that I just can’t go with othet humans. 

[Joshaps]

@zambize

I'm not suffering right now, I do feel like I'm on a healing path now, and thank you.

@Nahm

Thank you. I do feel like there are things in my past I'm not coming to terms with, and they keep being recontextualized  (as Serotoninluv said) as I go.

@Serotoninluv

I think you're right. I do feel like I haven't gone through the more grounding prinicples, and the few that I have, have been mostly to just grit my teeth through the experience and come out alive at the other end, which has made it a rough ride at times. I appreciate the pointers and will certainly work on those more grounding practices, sounds like it will be very useful to me at this stage in my development.

I really appreciate the insights and the advice!