Anyone else like this?

[SageModeAustin]

Whenever I get close to a woman, I ghost. I'm afraid of getting truly heartbroken which is why I've never really dated anyone in my life. Even if we have connection, I try to avoid it at all costs. 

[NoSelfSelf]

I read in auto rejection topic a great thing you are afraid of losing status(mainly the one you constructed in your mind) and you avoid losing it,avoiding to be vurnable or comitting because it could make your value drop with rejection,self worth drop thats what ego needs(to save it)...

Edited March 12, 2019 by NoSelfSelf

[flowboy]

Is that really the thing you're afraid of, heartbreak? If so I would expect there to be some traumatizing heartbreak experience in your past.

Children grow up without a concept of rejection. Then shit happens. For example I was cyber bullied and humiliated by my first serious crush.

Stuff like that, dig it up. What is it?

 

[SageModeAustin]

@NoSelfSelf @flowboy So..be vulnerable? 

[flowboy]

@SageModeAustin Well yes, you can't win if you're not willing to lose.

But would that help you? Can you just decide to be vulnerable from now on?

If so, great, problem solved.

If not, answer my question

Edited March 12, 2019 by flowboy

[SageModeAustin]

@flowboy I'm willing to be vulnerable from now on. Or at least try to.  "You can't win if you're not willing to lose." Do you usually spit gold sir? 

[flowboy]

@SageModeAustin haha, thank you. We all have our moments I suppose

[Waves]

Yeah, I know what it feels like. I'm in the same situation right now and I've been digging into this for some time.

My situation comes from not having a father figure growing up (he passed away when I was 4) and being brought up by a deeply emotional wounded woman, who I sense didn't go through the sorrow in a healthy way. She closed her heart to love, she turned defensive and protective, with the only subconscious goal of shielding her children from hurt. But after all, how can I blame her? She went through an immense pain I can't even imagine, and she didn't have the tools or resourcefulness to cope with it. I, as a vulnerable child, grew up absorbing this defensive behavior. Vulnerability meant pain and getting hurt, so better not to be open to the world and not to risk, better to play it safe.

As you can see, with this kind of deep, repetitive conditioning, it's pretty hard to remove the layers of this toxic shield. Being vulnerable can be an attitude, you can push yourself to share more of yourself with others, but I'm still inhibited in multiple ways, especially in social situations and with women. I can think of all the good reasons (logical and emotional) to socialize and talk to women, which can help to some extent to get you out there, but as you say, as soon as I see I can connect with people, I feel resistance, I perceive a block, a bomb of bullshit explodes and I don't end up expressing my authentic desire of connection, of intimacy. This is fear, and its role seems to protect us from hurt, and that's why we try not to be vulnerable. That's what I understood so far, but I have a lot more work to do. I now know what I have to do and I managed to push myself in certain situations. You can overcome this.

These are some books that helped me shine awareness on the problem:

• The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem - N. Branden     <-- The foundation
• No More Mr. Nice Guy - R. Glover        <-- Emotional maturity
• Models - M. Manson        <-- Dating, where the word "Vulnerability" struck me for the first time

Good luck man! You've already made the first step to solve this.

[universe]

Fall in love with the person who breaks your heart. Love and accept your heartbroken self <3