I really need to help my friend

[icequeen]

Hello there, 

I am a 17 year old highschool student, and I would like to hear some advice on how to help my friend. He is a 18 year old boy living in a really homophobic family, and in general people he is surrounded with are really homophobic. His biggest issue is fear from being abandoned by his family. I am the only person he came out to. He has been in a terrible condition for about 2 years now; he has an eating disorder, some serious health issues (that happened because he doesnt want to take care for himself anymore) and he is terribly depressed. He is refusing to eat for months and is extremly underweight, has thoughts of suicide and sees no future or a reason to keep on living. He doesn't hang out with people or has friends because of his insecurities, and his family isn't really supporting him when it comes to singing (professionally as a opera singer) because he is failing all the regular classes. He sees suicide as the only option, and I don't know how to help him. He refuses to ask for help because he is embarrased. I think his condition is getting worse and worse and I don't want him to hurt himself because he is such a nice talented boy. What should I do, as his only good friend?

[Salvijus]

If it was me I would find a way to educate him about all the meditation and inner technologies for wellbeing.

There's so much that he could do for his wellbeing actually. But it needs to be delivered and talked into in a very careful manner, you can't just drop a bundle of information on him like ton of bricks. He will resist then.

But you idk. Nobody can tell you what is best for you to do. According to your own intelligence and understanding you act. If your intentions are good it shouldn't turn out to be bad for others (I think :D) 

 

 

Edited March 9, 2019 by Salvijus

[icequeen]

@Salvijus I have been dealing with my mental health issues for some time now and while trying to get better I have learned a few things, so it just sucks that I don't know how to help him. How to help someone accept other options other than just giving up on everything?

[NoSelfSelf]

Make a deep understanding of whats hes going through and make him feel understood worst thing about mental health problems when people dont understand and dont want to(people with such problems) so they feel alone and want a way out..

[FredFred]

It seems to me like your friend need professional help. Try to convince him that seeking a therapist isn't a sign of weakness, but a sign of courage.

There's a limit to what you can do, unfortunately. Don't put all the weight of his condition on your shoulders. I know how those moment can be rough.

You should also try to post in the Serious Emotional Problems forum subsection, maybe they would be able to help you there also!

[Salvijus]

2 hours ago, icequeen said:

@Salvijus I have been dealing with my mental health issues for some time now and while trying to get better I have learned a few things, so it just sucks that I don't know how to help him. How to help someone accept other options other than just giving up on everything?

That's a nice state you're in  Just stay in this "I don't know state..." and let the consiquences come. There's an incredible silence and the greatest intelligence in this I don't know.. It will guide you what is best for you and what is the most appropriate action for you. ?

But honestly i don't know anything myself. I would feel the same way you do if i was in your situation

 

 

Edited March 9, 2019 by Salvijus

[Markus]

@icequeen My heart goes out to you. I recommend supporting him and taking him to get help from mental health professionals. The situation sounds really really serious - eating disorder, suicidality. Sounds bad enough to be hospitalized. I don't know how badly underweight he is but if bad enough it can be lethal, as can trying to refeed on his own. People can't really deal with this severity of issues without professional help.

Edited March 9, 2019 by Markus

[icequeen]

@Markus @Salvijus @FredFred @NoSelfSelf  Thanks for taking your time to respond. Maybe all I can actually do is be a good friend and give him all the support I can, even tho im running out of ideas. I was thinking about consulting school psychologist but i wouldnt want my friend to get mad at me for doing something behind his back. I just dont want to wait for the day its too late to fix anything... 

[Dumivid]

@icequeen

I feel you dude. Well, as a person who have been on both extremes on this spectrum, this is what I learned from firsthand experience.

1) If he does not want help, you cannot HELP him by any means.

2) Right now you act as his crutch in life.
You put a lot of pressure and responsibility on yourself. Do what you feel “need” to be done, but don’t go too far. Once you lose his trust, it’s game over.

3) Learn more about depression.
Even tho I had one, I don’t know A/THE book or video about. What I found that works in these situations its expressing. Just listen to him. In addition, what I found, people who are deeply depressed find an escape in art. Show him some benefits of practicing any kind of art; this alone can be a life changer.

4) Be friendly and take a positive attitude.
That is it, no more, no less. If you will remind him about “How doomed his life is”, he will just reinforce his belief without even considering the second part of this perspective, where he can actually change for good. This does not mean “ignoring his problems”, just focus his attention on good stuff. Idk, play together a video game, start some sort of “dream project” like rock band, small talk, anything that can “distract” him in a good way.
 

5) Feed him the seeds of self-actualization. Just tell him about this work, however let him alone decide when to start. It took me like 7 years to start this journey from first time I even heard about it.

After all, I found only 2 paths for a better life.
1. You suffer enough and get tired of it.
2. You are open-minded and try new stuff until it work.

Is hard to swallow this pill but just let him be.
If you want to change the “world”, first change yourself.
Do not avoid him. Do not judge him. Do not judge yourself. Do not use him as an excuse to distract from inner work. Bring light in his life by being positive.

Now, an important nuance.
All advices must be applied with a certain level of awareness. I don’t know the big picture of his situation, nor any other person on this forum. Even you don’t know. If he is not harming himself physically, is early to rise red flag. If he is, well, address professional help.

One more “sad pill”. You are the five person you surround yourself with (if this is 100% accurate or not is another topic, but here is hidden some seed of truth). Now remember this, he will drag you down if you are not careful. You will mimic his emotions, behaviors, beliefs and so on.
PLEASE, be careful. Self-Awareness alone will save you years and years of rebilding. Take care of your own health first and do not underestimate the danger of this trap.

Edited March 9, 2019 by Dumivid

[FredFred]

@Dumivid Great answer! I appreciate the effort you put into it very much. 

[icequeen]

@Dumivid Thank you for such a long detailed answer. I understand I shouldn't let it drown me either, "misery loves company" right? I'll just try being a good friend, but I guess I really can't make a huge difference if things keep getting worse, I'm a kid afterall. 

[ajasatya]

On 08/03/2019 at 8:07 PM, icequeen said:

I really need to help my friend

do you?

[Dumivid]

@FredFred @icequeen

You’re welcome.
Just remember. Don’t judge yourself and use the wisdom you accumulate.
Trust me, even the most “insignificant” difference right now, after years will grow in a huge snowball of change.