The Need of Approval

[Marshal]

Hi all,

For most of my life, I went by very ignorant to my emotions and how much they controlled me, and I always saw myself as a happy person who didn't care what other people thought of me, as someone who "does his own thing" so to speak.

However, recently, as I've become a lot more aware of how much my emotions are controlling me, I've realized something that's very hard to accept. In almost every social interaction I engage in, I'm always conversing in a way where I'm trying to get the other person to like me, even if it's someone I don't like or don't respect.

I don't know what to do about this or how to get of this kind of thinking, as I don't want to live my life controlled by what other people think of me and how I act. Does anyone know how to deal with this sort of thing or can anyone else relate to how they overcame something like this? 

Any help would be very much appreciated.

[Shadowraix]

First consider your goals for acting this way. 

Adapting your behavior for approval can prove to be very beneficial to you. I'm changing my behavior to effectively get what I want. It's a puzzle. 

The key thing to be aware of here though is do you need their approval? As in is their approval necessary for my emotional state to not fly all over the state. 

 

Trying to solve the puzzle is all fine and dandy as long as you are content with failing the puzzle. Catch what I'm trying to say? 

[Zigzag Idiot]

I've encountered this also in myself also. In the Diamond Approach, Almaas contends that this can actually be a middle stage in Inquiry that's churning up Narcissistic Issues in one's shadow that need to be healed.  A helpful ingredient in this healing is empathic mirroring. 

The Student's Need for Empathic Support Around Narcissistic Hurt

The unique quality of narcissistic hurt is that when it is allowed—that is, not resisted—the rip in the shell will spread, and the hurt becomes deeper and more extensive, until the whole shell dissolves, which brings about the loss of the sense of identity. The student doesn’t just feel pain; she feels that if she experiences this hurt more deeply, she will disappear. This threat of destruction is what makes it so hard to tolerate, especially when it is first encountered. Because this narcissistic hurt is a very difficult and sensitive place for most people, at this juncture the student needs great empathy from the teacher. This is when the student most needs the “emerald mountain,” the aspect of Loving Kindness in the dimension of the Diamond Will. She needs then the greatest empathic support, the greatest empathy, the greatest attunement, and the greatest sensitivity from the teacher. The slightest thing could close down the student’s experience of this wound, or could bring in a reaction that closes it. The slightest lack of understanding, lack of attunement, or lack of consideration, and she will close down with some kind of reaction. This is the main reason for the necessity of empathy, and not the reestablishment of the mirror transference, as Kohut believes. Empathic mirroring touches the student with the Loving Kindness of the teacher, which will help her to tolerate her own hurt and not close it down.

The Point of Existence, pg. 314

[JohnnyBravo]

Relax about it and acknowledge youre doing this with some good intent.

Dont beat yourself up. It will naturally dissolve over time with attention.

"Awareness alone is curative?"

This happens to many people not just specifically yourself. We do this because we want to be loved. I dont think theres anything wrong with that reasoning.

But its short term and exhuasting and if you comprimise your Self then you cant relax and share who you genuinly are.

[Markus]

@Marshal The need for approval, love and understanding is a very deep-rooted issue people share. It's a futile craving, because it'll never be enough. Even if some like you, or understand you to some extent, it ain't enough. Nobody can ever fully understand you, because they can never try on your consciousness. They just have their own. As you strive to be aware you will see that, and that should gradually wear out this mechanism. Complete eradication of it is a very tall order and takes a deep extent of enlightenment, but hopefully you'll see some improvement quicker than that. It's also good to contemplate why you seek approval in specific situations and become more aware of that. I'm not too knowledgeable on more surface-level personal development techniques to reduce the trouble this issue causes you, but it's a good idea to look into them as well if you wish. Building confidence, self-esteem and such.

[Commodent]

Trust me, the desire to be accepted is completely normal and healthy. There has been periods where I legitimately did not give a shit what people thought of me, and it makes you feel kinda handicapped because you lose your intuitive sense of what is normal. 

Edited March 8, 2019 by Commodent

[Joseph Maynor]

Start to see how approval is translated into thoughts.  See those thoughts.  You'll experience the ping in your awareness when that need for approval strikes you.  Learn to notice it and realize that it's just a thought. 

[tedens]

@Marshal Have You seen Leo's video at this topic?