Personal Story and Moving On/Acceptance Where You Are On Spiral And How To Move Up?

[Nervtine]

 I've been in a bit of a pickle when it comes to moving on from something that happened across 2017 and early 2018. 

It's by no means the objective worse thing that happened to me- moreover a quick evisceration on the ego that has created a profound backlash. If you aren't in the mood for a more personal, even emotional story, this isn't the post for you. 

 I've retold this story more than once, but I still feel stuck. In part because I feel vast wisdom is to be harvested from this experience, but at the cost of making it harder to be mindfully present. In part because throughout this tale, I was in the wrong in many cases. In some respect, though I still may make it sound like these people were below me in development, I think the opposite was true in some areas. 

  I'll try and keep this brief, though I again warn you, that's not my strong suit. 

 Like many of you, I wasn't bestowed with the environment that fostered learning social graces. In due part because of my own lack of curiosity- I have been largely depressed my whole life, even as a small child. Where youth normally is seen as a time of hopeful imaginativeness, mine was rather nihilistic and hopeless. I lived in a state of mind that the rare good things in my life would be swiftly taken away. Therefore I was rather cold, distrustful and passionatless.  

I'm happy to report this wasn't a static theme throughout my life. Through taking myself out of crippling environments, fixing some of those warped perceptions I had and finding a life purpose. Problem still being though, I never really made true friends. In fact, I had "friends" thrust onto me, assigned by authority figures in my life. In kindergarten, I had a flicker of something that resembled unabashed friendship, but I had to move schools after an incident where I couldn't manage my anger and...I pushed a chair at a teacher who just had knee surgery. 

That story doesn't end there though, as mad luck would have it, we would meet again in our freshmen year of high school at a private school. We were strikingly similar in terms of our path in personal development at that point- though not identical in the areas that really counted. I looked past this though, as a desperation to have something good in my life had really begun to snowball. I ignored or allowed behaviors that weren't conducive or even harmful to me to happen from her. We will call her Geena. 

This person does deserve a hefty amount of credit for one thing though. As you may have inferred, I didn't have the healthiest home life. This culminated at this point in my life when it reached a point where I set it up to where me and my sister essentially ran away. There were many attempts to get CPS involved, but my mother and S.O. at the time were excellent deceivers.We stayed at what I considered was a friends house, and finally, a situation occurred where CPS aggred we should be removed from the house with our mother, and the friends parents agreed to put a roof over our heads.( I am conflicted on if they were or not-either I haven't fully processed this and repressed it, or it has run its course on how I feel about this friend-we will call them Carter)

  We stayed there for about three months before me and that "friend" had a falling out. Shortly after, me and my sister were asked to move under the guise of financial difficulties to keep us there- I am unsure the full truthfulness of this. A few days later, me, my sibling and the few belongings we were able to keep were dropped off at Geena's house after her mother enthusiastically welcomed the idea of us staying there after Geena made the situation clear. This was the first time I actually felt like I was a part of a functional and healthy family (though of course, that's what I needed at the time, so I was really looking through much of this through rose-colored glasses) and that I truly had a friend in the world. 

Geena was a fellow creative, and this was around the time I found my life purpose. The location of their house was funnily enough, one street away from the property I hold dearest in my heart to what home feels like. It was in a section nearby the park, with lush trees and calm streets to stroll on in a small town where people can keep their doors unlocked at night. Everything about it felt perfect and safe. 

Of course the story can't end there though. Because of circumstances I am still unaware of, we weren't permitted to stay there. I know the mother really wanted us to- even throwing us a send off party the night before we were set to go to a foster home. Long story short, the foster home was just awful. Me and my sister hovered between starving and being fed enough to make the social workers happy. The foster parents were emotionally abusive in pretty extreme ways- following strict guidelines least we find out what others cruelties she was capable of. 

Thankfully, we only stayed there a few months, though it felt like years. My mom got her shit together, and we moved back with her. Geena still supporting me every step of the way and being there when I needed to vent. We lived in a small apartment, but still in the same small town. It was simple existence, and I felt at peace and worked still on bettering myself and working on my talents. 

There were a few bumps in the road through the next year- we ended up house hoping with my moms friends a few times at one point, but we ended up at the property I mentioned two paragraphs ago. It is the place I think of when someone says home, even though it wasn't perfect. Something about the location was though. I had my own trailer I lived in on the property, and mostly lived on my own

Throughout all the adversity in my life, I managed to be a better student in high school than I had been before. This swell of pride that came from being good academically made me really follow the pursuit of academia and knowledge as a whole. This was a good thing in my life that I created, and I had the flawed belief that I had control over if it was taken away or not. I had already been looking into colleges mid Sophomore year, as my hard work paid off and I was able to start college earlier than most. 

 When my Junior year started, I just felt this perceptive change of sorts. School was another kind of surrogate home for me at one point, but when I returned that year, something just felt...hollow. My friendship with Geena and the recovering one with Carter felt hollow. I broke the friendships off with them when it was clear it wouldn't work out. Even my aspirations felt hollow in some regards. I knew change was needed, and of course you know at this age I didn't make the best decision on how to do that. 

Short and sweet- I tried to blast through the rest of my needed credits by doing online schooling. Because of how the private school was set up however, none of my credits transferred over. Getting a ride to the private school was unsustainable, so I wasn't able to go back. So I tried going to a public school- and encountered the same problem. This was devastating for me- it was my aspiration to be the first person from my family who actually valued school and didn't drop out. 

I like to call this period the Depression Maverick, because it really felt like a tidal wave of sadness and numbness crippled me. I had very limited options- and my motivation to pursue them whittled, both my my situation and by my own mental gymnastics. After exhaustive attempts to get my academic life on track, I ended up dropping out. Funny how I could go through a hellacious foster care system and previous home life and move on, but this- this really was a huge shot at my ego, and of course I didn't know how to deal with it yet. 

It's worth mentioning what that I was working at a fast food pizza place at this point in time. And honestly, the environment there was toxic, but in less obvious ways. (I know, sounds like I can't catch a break, but please remember dear reader, the last thing I want is pity and for you to think I was a complete victim. I wasn't. This story is to help provide context for why I have certain struggles) Most of us were from the small small town, so there was this down-to-earth homely attitude about the place, but since everyone knew eachother in town, it's much risker to wrong your neighbor because someone will lash back in retribution. So basically, it was that classy trope of people pretending to be invested in you and your struggles, and that they were more than just their work, but really, they weren't at all. They would leave psychological scares when they got you alone however, and we usually worked alone with a few other people. 

 I haven't ever really met someone with my personality type up to this point. Usually this makes people lonely, but even at a young age, I knew the dangers of befreinding people too similar to you, and feared one day creating an echochamber between myself and another. I can't say I hoped I'd find someone like me, moreover I thought it was a fantastical impossibility. 

But of course, I did meet someone eerily similar to me. They worked at the pizza place as well. We will call them Jay. Now Jay- he was very troubled. He quite obviously had a traumatic past, but hadn't mindfully processed these or gotten very deep into self actualizing. Because of this, he lashed out by being rude and critical- to make matters worse, he was indeed a manager. He was in the usual age group of the company I felt comfortable talking to at that point- I've generally related to older people, but all in all, only four years separated our births, which isn't that much time. 

I was classically shy at this point. But also wary of his downright mean tendencies- he was actually proud of being known as mean and making people cry. He was one of those that relished having control of his life at work, and used his authority to downright bully others. Most genuinely disliked him- our GM was nice to his face but shit-talked about him when he was away. I felt sorry for him. There were some key similarities between us, and though we had similar pasts, he just took a different path. I used to have a mean front too, when I was afraid to show vulnerability. Though I wasn't always cordial in face of his insults, I went out of my way to get to know him in a genuine way and talk with him. 

 I had a big ol' platonic crush on him at this point. But I just didn't feel 1.good enough to be his friend and 2.worried about his odd sliding between very nice and very mean. I thought it wisest not to pursue anything, especially since we worked together. That changed a bit though when he announced he'd be moving to a town 60 miles away for college. Now Jay was the closest thing to a work place friend I had. So when I heard this, my stomach dropped and it genuinely made me sad. At this point we'd worked together for almost 2 years. 

Fast forward three months. (I realize how almost everything here happens three months later-guess I should've known the pattern by now) I decide to send him a friend request and message on Facebook. He accepts and we have a nice chat. In this chat I noticed he really wasn't doing to well, but didn't seem fully aware of it of it. Though he add friends, I think they were more like my previous "friends" I mentioned. He has gone on to say he only views friends as distractions and entertainment, and it really shows his attitude to tackling his problems-he doesn't. And it sounded like his friends were like-minded, though it isn't really my place to say if they were good or bad. By the sounds of it though, they tore him down and used him, so it's hard not to say my distaste for them was entirely subjective. 

 

 This next segment is where it gets heavy and personal. Trigger warning for suicide. 

Through out the time I worked there, I had been financally supporting my family. My mother had gotten a break and honestly,  I had to grow up pretty quick. I was also there for emotional and any other support needed. But no one was there for me. And really, all I needed was someone to talk to, and realize I needed to turn inward. 

Now my loneliness had been mounting for- well, my whole life at this point. I got tired of all my suffering, my nervousness and deceptions.  I was going to claim my life and fix it- though "fix" won't be the word that will come to mind when all is said and done. 

Mistake 1- I reconnected with Geena. 

Mistake 2- I got into a friendship with Jay 

Mistake 3- I thought I had turned inward enough at this point, and though had much to learn, I was sagely and enlightened. For more context, this is where I found myself early 2017. 

The friendship with Jay, to no surprise, wasn't very substantial- very stage orange, where I was pursuing something more yellow or even turquoise. Not having good metrics on how friendships work, I kind of forced the friendship between us. It was very one sided. I was the one to start the conversations, the only one who asked how he was and substantial things akin to personal development. 

Jay-he already had enough distractions in his life. On reflection, I think he felt like he should care about me, but truthfully he didn't. I...I took the bait when he said he would be there for me, no matter what. And that he liked and valued me- he sold me what I'd been looking for all my life. It was more than a dream come true. Though my academic life was in shambles, that began to matter less and less- that is, until he would offhandedly insult me for not finishing or being in college. 

With Geena- I am not sure what happened to her, but she went from pretty reliable to very flaky and even cold. She didn't care much about the deeper aspects of contemplating the self either. My friends wanted easy distractions. And I was the only one turning inward and fixing shit, though I pretended it was the other way around for so long. 

Around this time I went through some really heavy shit. I won't mention all because this is a novel already. But many of my loved ones died, and though we moved in a real house, (and my mom got a job) and I was physically closer too my family, I felt like an outlier and were weren't close . I tolerated bullying at work and by friends. And became nasty to my friends in retaliation. I was frustrated that no one really cared that I was alive. In fact, it seemed like they didn't want me alive in the first place. 

Turning inward became too painful and I stopped. Instead, I sought validation from my friends. Geena offered me shallow advise equivalent to "tough it out" and Jay-I appreciated his brutal honesty, but with this he also told me he really didn't care if I died or not. If I was gone from his life, he wouldn't feel anything. He just didn't care. 

But I needed someone to care- or so I thought. Kindness became a very rare thing, and my friends avoided me. I wasn't even allowed to text once a week. To be far, at this point I was really needy. I was drowning and in my attempts to claw myself back up from my sorrow, I cut deep into them. Getting upset when they wouldn't check on me, or avoid talking to me. Months would go by before they'd hang out with me- it was rare. They had the free time to, they just didn't want to. 

I know it isn't my place to expect people to care about me. I learned that from this experience. But I thought that if they just knew why I was like this, and what was really long...well, they'd have to feel something. I never learned how to express my emotions. I went from being rigidly stotic to a bleeding heart pretty much overnight. I was just so sick of hiding it. I thought all my worrying was probably for naught. It was only in my head they didn't like me. 

But sometimes, we aren't deceiving ourselves. I went to both of them with suicidal thoughts a couple of times. Neither really offered help. In fact, Geena told me "Just stop, I don't have time for this" the last time I asked for help. Jay called me once, to "make sure I was safe." Jay really confuses me, he would go between saying he cared and then he didn't. This call meant the world to me. It was the one good moment of my 2017, and...he will never know, if he really did care, that he helped. 

Do not think Jay or Geena are purely evil in this- examples of good they brought- 

Jay- The aforementioned phone call. Assuring me my problems were validate, and assuring me through text he'd always listen. Coming to visit me the most often. Presenting a willingness to understand my depression and anxiousness. He would be very honest with me and even offered to tutor me in math and help me get into college. 

Geena-Taking me out places when I was down. Offering me heartfelt compliments when I was sad and at one point, I knew I always had a place to go with her. Also tried to help get me into college. 

 

 I will focus mainly on this one night that still haunts me. 

This was August 16nth, 2017. I had come home from a awful day at work and went to my room, alone. Throughout the last few months, I had been really going over in my head how much I suffer and how little control I had over that. This snowballed my suicidal feelings rapidly. Culminating when I just missed the mark by a day for getting into college. 

Today was when I read the email I wouldn't be getting into college. I remember just sitting there, at first feeling a searing hot pain, then nothing. Then pain again then even more and more and...I did what I do best. I concocted a plan to kill myself and-gosh did I feel better. I remember humming along to a upbeat tone as I researched effective ways. 

A text from Jay pierced my concentration on this, and it snapped me back half way. I told him what I was doing, and that I needed someone. And at first he talked with me. Being very nice and understanding. But after an hour, he decided he was just going to go to bed (earlier than normal) without checking to make sure I was okay. I made sure to let him know I was still planning to do it. This was me crying for help, but he didn't want to hear it. 

Long story short, I tried and obviously failed to kill myself. I won't go into details, but I woke up the next morning frustrated and hopeless. And Jay had seen my messages, but did nothing. In retrospect, I think he thought I was lying about not only attempting it, but being serious about it. If he thought I was a liar, I don't think I can blame him for what he did. I wouldn't care all that much either if a mean liar was blowing up my phone all the time. I think it was much easier to believe a lie than the actual truth for him. 

Later that day, we got into a fight. Where he said he knew he should be groveling, but he just wasn't. He just wasn't going to apologize and he espoused that though he didn't have the desire for me to be dead, he didn't care if I was. And...I'm ashamed to admit but I forgave him! 

In a time of need in February 2018, when I had made it clear I had just been physically attacked by my mother, was moving and needed a place to sleep for a few nights...he said that though there was couchspace at the place he was roomating, and though he allowed his friends to do this before, it wasn't okay for me. He wouldn't help me, but he came to visit me instead when I had the designated times to pack at where I used to live. 

 

 Now it doesn't hurt nearly as much, but I'd like to hear your perspectives on this. It's been a while since I've been a bleeding heart, but I hope somewhere in my narrative, there is a lesson for you. What are some ways you move on?

 

I also have considered that perhaps I'm looking at this the wrong way. Jay and Geena in some ways were at least stage yellow, where I was a strong green with flecks of yellow. Perhaps I convinced myself they were yellow when they were much more orange, or maybe they were both, and didn't transition through the compassionate side of green. 

 

 I am still hovering on the strong side of green. I like to think I am a mostly yellow individual now, but I recognize we love to place ourselves higher on the spiral than we really are. My ego would love to say we are 80% turquoise, but realistically, I know better. I feel like I may have had a sloppy transition somewhere through the spiral, maybe you already see where that was? 

 

Edited March 6, 2019 by Nervtine

[Bluebird]

This has almost nothing to do with Spiral Dynamics. Not everything is related to the spiral.

There is psychological baggage here that needs to be processed. I recommend reading through the books on Leo's Book List in the Emotional Mastery section. It seems to me like you've got more pressing issues than just being Stage Yellow or not. Even if you were to move up the spiral you will still be carrying all this emotional trauma from the past.

You've seen the pattern, now you need to spend some time to really understand it at its core. If you understand deeply enough why people seem to be disappearing from your life, not there for you, etc. then your experience of reality will start to change.

Good luck and all the best, take some time to be with your emotions rather than worrying about conceptually moving up some arbitrary spiral.

[Nervtine]

@Bluebird You are right, everything isn't related to the spiral. I'll keep in mind making sure my titles reflect the content better. My hope was to see if anyone saw were I had a kink in the situation in general, but I suppose that may not have come across properly. 

I've been working on processing a lot of this for the better part of two years now, and I find myself coming back to it much more often than I know is healthy. Any advice/pointers on how you've moved on from something could prove useful. Your insight on how, even if I moved up the spiral, I would be bringing a lot of that trauma with me is something I will remember. It is defiantly harder to focus on personal development when swarmed by unprocessed traumas. 

At least in this situation, I know why people left my life. Candidly, they didn't care and you can't force or expect someone to value your life. That was a huge learning opportunity there for me. And I didn't try to truly understand them until after the fact- fighting their animosity with my own. I've looked for people who are either too radically different from me, or who are too similar. As with everything, a balance must be struck. 

I actually wonder, do you think friendship, as we know it now is flawed as a concept and in the societal practice? I know that doesn't have anything to do with the title of the thread, but I am interested in what you, and anyone else who wants to put in their perspective thinks. 

Thank you for your concise, wise words Bluebird, I wish you luck and all the best too. I will keep in mind not to worry about running up the spiral, because it is, like you said, truly arbitrary. 

[Bluebird]

@Nervtine In my experience, you need to transmute the emotion from a fear-based emotion (grief/apathy/anger) to a love based one (acceptance/love/peace).

Ultimately even these negative situations are literally made of universal love, which is a more esoteric Truth that I find extremely helpful. The universe is giving you what you need so that you can surrender to the repeating situation and transform it into one where you feel love.

For example, can you feel love that these people are leaving you. Love for them and yourself at the same time. The reason you feel negatively about it is your beliefs, and those are attached to emotions. Sit with emotions for as long as you can when they arise and watch them SLOWLY transform into lighter ones. Then really scrutinise your beliefs about these situations, inquire into their truth.

For me, Letting Go by David Hawkings and Loving What Is by Byron Katie are two must read books for this.

[Nervtine]

@Bluebird Thank you again for your wisdom. I think this is exactly what I needed to hear to get on the process of moving on.