First realisation through Vipassana

[fryingLotus]

First post here.

Okay so there are many realizations I've had through meditation/vipassana before/after but this is the one which stands out to me the most.

I took part in a 10-day silent retreat and on the 6th day (somewhere around the 65th hour) everything started clicking into place about the technique.

This was brought on by internalising some of the teachings and comparing them to my current state, technique and where this was at the time.

I said something to myself like 'This is just a sensation (referring to concentrated areas of pain in my back/legs), like all other sensations (gross, pleasurable, numb), nothing more nothing less. It will come and go, it cannot be infinite because that is the law of nature.'

This flicked on a switch, and I was able to observe all sensations with no reaction. I could feel (or see telepathically/mentally but not visualize) thoughts as they passed through my mental space with no attachment. The sensations became nothing, they had no control over me. The painful sensations were now just sensations like all others. Everything was just coming and going. I felt like an observer, invincible, godlike. This felt like a break from physical life, a taste of equanimity. There was no trying anymore. Everything just flowed and I sat there in awareness.

I could have left after that point and I took a lot of positivity which I hold to this day.

Well after that, things flipped around and it took me around another day and a half of meditation fighting with myself to return to that state to gain a greater understanding of the constant changing state of mind. I essentially had to start again from scratch, slower than I initially had to bring myself back to being calm through the remaining sessions.

I now practice daily for 1 hour (sometimes less). I find it hard to concentrate as I wake up reasonably early to start my meditations and I find myself falling asleep a lot but I still push through when I can.

I still haven't gotten back there and at the moment it just feels as though I'm breaking down some anxiety, depression, anger etc so I'm a bit calmer during the day. This of course has its benefits and I find it crazy how much this stuff comes back in full force when I don't meditate for a few days up to 1 week. 

I used to watch Leo's videos a few years ago and now I'm back but with greater focus, so I'm hoping to continue the journey with some online support as there are not many people in my life that support this lifestyle so I guess I let this lead me astray.

[fryingLotus]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I' feel like I've gradually broken down my own arrogance, naivety and ignorance of meditation ability a lot over the past year or so and the retreat was definitely eye-opening.

 

The whole revelation of how I'd just been playing into sensations in the past without even realising made me laugh and cry. I feel as though it was extremely humbling in that I can see how this breakthrough is microscopic in the grand scheme of things. Also, one thing that kept me going was that the purpose for this type of work is ultimately seeing the truth of the universe, so the idea of attempting to get there half-heartedly just seemed so stupid. Although, in terms of the laws of nature there is no stupidity; everything just works as it does. If you go round in circles your whole life never putting in legitimate effort and hard work then you will just yield the results equal to the quality of work. Basically you reap what you sow, but phrases like this just get passed to the point where they just lose their value. Learning these things through experience just makes you think how many other things in your life you've taken for granted or have never really taken advantage of due to just shrugging them off.

 

I tried Leo's 'do nothing' meditation a couple of times yesterday and it's pretty hard haha. One thing I learned is that I am really craving shutting my eyes to relax a bit. I'm now conscious of this during vipassana in an effort to keep my focus alert on the task as my eyes are always shut.

 

I've now left my job and have 4 months of travel ahead of me so there will be lots of meditation and self-inquiry, so I'm confident now that things will begin to change a lot for me.

 

Also, Flylo has a new album coming out soon. Cool cover below: