Advice to follow up breakup

[decaprelap]

Hey all,

First post so booyah! Ok taking it to a low tone now...

So my girlfriend broke up with me, she's starting a masters degree and wants to clear her head this year and learn how to love herself before she can get back in a relationship. She's made it very clear she still loves me and gave me the whole "It's not you, it's me. I don't know the future I just know I need to be alone right now" (Cliche... I buy it). The break up hurts but I want the best for her, I know it's what she needs. The thing is or the problem perhaps... I'm dead set on getting her back, one day.

My problem is I don't know how to be when I'm with her, I'm going from optimistic and easy going to upset and sulky and it's just no fun. We both are still best friends and care so much about each other but It's hard to fight the tension of the fact that it's just that, friends. I'm a somewhat feminine dude and I'm very good at expressing myself but it's getting to the point where I feel like I'm no fun to be around. I believe If I want to get her back I have to be more like my old more upbeat self.

Sometimes she and I have these, 'eye of the storm' moments where we really talk and it doesn't feel like we are holding off around each other. I can talk about my feelings and she says things that really gets me feeling almost good about the breakup, admittedly.

So this is where I'm at a loss; do I avoid her and staunch up and pretend I'm not thinking about her? do I give her the burden of the honest truth of my emotions and tell her exactly where I'm at? How much do I emotionally give to her?

I feel like I somehow have to hide my sorrow and just be my flirty and fun self until she's ready for a relationship again. Even if that's uncertain. I struggle to do that though I just cry and shit.

I appreciate any advice or support.

[happyminion]

I too am going thru something like that and this is my first post too. Lol. Sorry u are going thru this. First I would not do anything when your emotions are running high. Draw back and let yourself feel them in safety.  If you become more mindful you can then make a decision with a clear head. Best of luck x

[JohnnyBravo]

@decaprelap

Consider this a gift from God/Life that you posted this right at this time and I have managed to respond at this time. I have been through the exact thing at one point and she said almost word for word that phrase "its not you its me."

Here it is:

Do not share your 'real feelings' with her despite the seductive temptation you have. You may think "I need to listen to my gut" and confess things to her. Do not do this. Totally get away from her. Let her be, do not initiate contact with her anymore. Not even a simple text.

.......The reason I say this, is because if you can successfully do this for one month, she will reach out to you again. And it will be a secure, clear direct, I want you vibe.

Do not send any closure messages or ask for any now.

In the meantime, grieve, but stay highly invovled with life including meeting other women.

She will come back, if you totally leave the space clean and clear for a while.

If after one month there is nothing that has happen, I give you permission to do whatever you wish to do. Contact her. Confess feelings. Cry. Whatever you feel the need to.

But for now, leave the space unfilled and do not fill it.

[JohnnyBravo]

Yes avoid her totally.

And by the way, there is nothing wrong with you. Dont think youre not good enough or whatever. Youre a good dude.

[Charlotte]

If you hide your feelings from her you will hide your feelings from yourself which can lead to all sorts of monkey business. I say tell her how you feel, nothing inherently wrong with being open and transparent. Your staying true to yourself. 

I would however take some time away from her, seems by remaining friends in this phase your holding onto the chance of getting back together. Torturing yourself.

Has she made it very clear it's over?

Sorry to hear your going through this. Take some time to show yourself some incredible self love (always ?) ❤️

[NoSelfSelf]

6 hours ago, decaprelap said:

She's made it very clear she still loves me and gave me the whole "It's not you, it's me. I don't know the future I just know I need to be alone right now" (Cliche... I buy it). 

You buy this bullshit thats funny how we guys are deluded she doesnt love you she saying that to not hurt you/girls dont want to say it upfront...you were doing things to turn her off so she found a way out think about it why would someone get rid of something they love very much..oh god dont be friends with her ever...it cant work and its weak...

Edited March 3, 2019 by NoSelfSelf

[JohnnyBravo]

4 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

You buy this bullshit thats funny ...you were doing things to turn her off so she found a way out think about it."

Right now, this is irrelevant and not worth thinking about whats going on right now.

 

Right now, process feelings.

Think about this event one year from now with new eyes.

I played the game of thinking "Must have been me or something I did" and it is just food to fuel the ego and inner critique.

Engaging in this thinking is ugly and violent.

Be gentle with yourself.

[NoSelfSelf]

@JohnnyBravo well if you dont see your mistakes how will you learn?

[Matt8800]

17 hours ago, decaprelap said:

Hey all,

First post so booyah! Ok taking it to a low tone now...

So my girlfriend broke up with me, she's starting a masters degree and wants to clear her head this year and learn how to love herself before she can get back in a relationship. She's made it very clear she still loves me and gave me the whole "It's not you, it's me. I don't know the future I just know I need to be alone right now" (Cliche... I buy it). The break up hurts but I want the best for her, I know it's what she needs. The thing is or the problem perhaps... I'm dead set on getting her back, one day.

My problem is I don't know how to be when I'm with her, I'm going from optimistic and easy going to upset and sulky and it's just no fun. We both are still best friends and care so much about each other but It's hard to fight the tension of the fact that it's just that, friends. I'm a somewhat feminine dude and I'm very good at expressing myself but it's getting to the point where I feel like I'm no fun to be around. I believe If I want to get her back I have to be more like my old more upbeat self.

Sometimes she and I have these, 'eye of the storm' moments where we really talk and it doesn't feel like we are holding off around each other. I can talk about my feelings and she says things that really gets me feeling almost good about the breakup, admittedly.

So this is where I'm at a loss; do I avoid her and staunch up and pretend I'm not thinking about her? do I give her the burden of the honest truth of my emotions and tell her exactly where I'm at? How much do I emotionally give to her?

I feel like I somehow have to hide my sorrow and just be my flirty and fun self until she's ready for a relationship again. Even if that's uncertain. I struggle to do that though I just cry and shit.

I appreciate any advice or support.

Go date some other girls you find interesting. You will naturally treat your ex in a way that she will find more desirable. Women dont like men that like them too much or are too available. They want the men that other women want. Whether is right or wrong, thats the way it is. 

[decaprelap]

Thanks, everyone for the replies.

I'm going to try and move forward without her, It's what she want's too but it's going to take time. Right now I barely can even function in general, how do people live through this stuff wow. Shows how emotionally immature I am I suppose ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also, I like your story @JohnnyBravo I will take that a bit of a gift from God. But I better not let that seduce me into false hope