Social anxiety

[KyleR]

Not sure if it’s a serious emotional problem but it definitely feels like it in the moment. I’ve recently been struggling with strong feelings/sensations of social anxiety, putting it like this so I’m not fully identifying with it which keeps me in the loop. Once I’m in it’s really hard to come out and has become a heavy burden especially in situations where I’ll be for long periods. I realise it’s all mind made and am trying to fix it daily but somethings clearly not working or maybe I’m doing something that’s keeping me in these mind patterns.

I’ve always been too caring of what others think throughout my life which I think is still conditioned within me now despite how much I tell myself and even believe I don’t care. How can I break these thought processes and rewire for good? Booked in to see a doctor which can only help me in the right direction but always good to hear other perspectives. 

Have any of you experienced similar phases, if so how did you overcome them or what are you currently doing in and out the moment of its occurrence? I’ve always been inspired by success stories so would love to hear some cheers

[Markus]

@KyleR I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember. Definitely had it less as a small kid. Was probably worst around middle school. Since then, it has gradually gotten somewhat better as I recognized on a logical level I don't have to conform to other's needs and built a conscious world on top of that, but that doesn't really overwrite the anxiety as it is very deep-rooted. Despite making progress on my other issues and being in a non-dual state, anxiety is one of those things that are yet to go, because I haven't really faced and uncovered the root causes behind it.

If you want to get rid of it for good, you have to become conscious of why it exists. Therapy can help with that I'd imagine, as does meditation and gradually feeling your fears and the ideas behind them.

As for things practical things that can lessen it, I've heard an effective strategy is exposing yourself to more social situations in baby-steps. Just take a very small thing that makes you uneasy but that you could pull off. Saying hi to someone, asking how they're doing, asking about some school/university related thing if you're in school or university, etc. Do that in several instances until the anxiety around it calms down to some degree. Then take a next, bigger step. And so on. Gradually exposing yourself to more and more can add up a lot over time.

If your anxiety is very debilitating and you find yourself unable to take any sort of action against it, medication could be a good temporary boost. I used to take an SNRI antidepressant with the active ingredient venlafaxinum for depression-related reasons for a bit, and it definitely boosted my confidence. Any antidepressant that affects noradrenaline in addition to serotonin should. Keeping a growth-oriented mindset, you'd want to use the boosted confidence to do some actual work, so you can eventually handle things without the drug.

Maybe some of this helps. Gl.

[RawJudah]

I've found that the only way to get rid of. social anxiety is to literally get out there and talk to random strangers, or to get. a job where it forces you to talk to people. 

For me also, I had to quit alcohol. Alcohol had a HUGE effect on my social anxiety, I stopped drinking and my need for social connection increased, so now I can socialise without many problems. 

In fact, I actually get energy from talking to people. Not talking to people drains my energy and I would just want to hide away indoors all day.

[Moreira]

I'm making an experiment about social anxiety. By curiosity could you tell me your diet?

[KyleR]

@Markus @RawJudah thanks! Definitely helps and will try it all.. realise I do need to just let loose and start talking to people. For the first time ever this year I forced myself to classes and other social events which was a pretty big step for me, wouldn’t have dreamed doing so even a year or 2 ago, but not sure if this made it worse recently because a lot of times I just froze up and felt isolated from group conversations because I didn’t speak up, maybe I’m giving myself too much a hard time etc I dunno. Hoping now that the fear of just turning up to places is lessening, I’ll grow some fuckin balls and start talking more. Cheers guys  

@Moreira what experiment is it? 4/5 days a week is pretty clean; meats, brown rice, fruit, nuts etc and recently started intermittent fasting but still have ALOT of room to improve I think. I eat shit probably 2 days on avg which can get really out of hand? 

 

Edited March 5, 2019 by KyleR

[Markus]

8 hours ago, KyleR said:

@Markus @RawJudah thanks! Definitely helps and will try it all.. realise I do need to just let loose and start talking to people. For the first time ever this year I forced myself to classes and other social events which was a pretty big step for me, wouldn’t have dreamed doing so even a year or 2 ago, but not sure if this made it worse recently because a lot of times I just froze up and felt isolated from group conversations because I didn’t speak up, maybe I’m giving myself too much a hard time etc I dunno. Hoping now that the fear of just turning up to places is lessening, I’ll grow some fuckin balls and start talking more. Cheers guys  

 

Yea, you should take it easy and see how it goes. Self-judgment is a big thing with social anxiety, judgments you make about yourself being projected as if others were (presumably) making them. I wrote a response to someone about self-acceptance on this same sub-forum, maybe you can find it if you look through my post history.

[EnlightenmentBlog]

I've been struggling with it too. What I've found in my own experience is

that I focus too much on myself. "What is this person going to think

about what I said?", "Is this the right thing to do?", etc. 

Instead, I try to be aware of the other person/people, try to

understand them. Shift the focus from yourself to the other one(s).

What you will discover is that they are just as you, they have their 

own problems to care about. So even if you do screw up, they'll

soon forget about it. 

[KyleR]

@Markus cheers will check it out! @EnlightenmentBlog that’s exactly how it is with me, some deep conditioning I have to overcome from an early age. Will try apply what you said, thanks  

[Deepconcepts]

On 02/03/2019 at 6:47 AM, KyleR said:

how did you overcome them or what are you currently doing in and out the moment of its occurrence? 

I want to give a little background 

In short, Growing up my Father had developed a serious drug and anger problem, this distant then estranged relationship had a large impact on how i developed. It started with not wanting to see him and his biligerent friends then eventually i didn't want to go to school then it was leave my bedroom even or sit in the front seat of a car. 

I was living with an external locus of control, me and my family thought there were a permenant physiogical imbalance that needed medicating, some helped me get out into social places like a mall or inside school, not getting into the details here.

I tried about everything even to the extent of psychedelics which didn't do much but only made things worse. 

What helped me?

I found Allan watts and learned about looking at things Nondualitically, listened to ralph smart and learned about positive psychology, went through regularly therapy for many years, specifically CBT helped i eventually met 1 CBT therapist that helped me more in 1 session than the other could in several years. learned about NLP, Taoism and different levels of consciousness, these were my pillars and creating my success when it came to my anxiety. 

I still have some, i think people going through a patch of anxiety are just more aware of themselves which makes it worse. Eventually i think you'll run out of energy to be capable of being anxious as you were before, it may take a few months, a year or several years. Depending on the person and the degree to how much effort they put into practice.

 

Edited March 9, 2019 by Deepconcepts

[KyleR]

Thanks for sharing, good to hear you’re much better these days  will likely try cbt, nlp etc soon

[Gabriel Antonio]

On 3/2/2019 at 11:47 AM, KyleR said:

Booked in to see a doctor which can only help me in the right direction but always good to hear other perspectives. 

Good! 

6 hours ago, KyleR said:

will likely try cbt, nlp etc soon

CBT is much better than NLP (which is basically a repackaged version of hypnosis). 

 

I've struggled with SA since I was 11. I'm not sure if depression caused my social anxiety, or the other way around. They probably feed each other. 

One thing that really stands out for me regarding SA is physical discomfort. I tend to accumulate so much tension that when I'm interacting with others my body is really stiff. When I'm not in a, let's say, SA crisis, my body naturally feels more relaxed. So it's key to find ways to connect with your body through singing, yoga, doing a sport you like, etc.

Here's a really nice journal on this forum that you might resonate with: 

All the best, and good luck =) 

[Deepconcepts]

@Gabriel Antonio

When you said that you struggled with SA since you were 11.

There's nothing wrong with your experiences or even what you said, it does however, bring out a certain conviction, reputation and external locus of control. 

Changing our context and word  choice for example, from...

" i've struggled since i was 11"

to

" i had struggles with anxiety in my past"

This would be how i'd define NLP

Fundamentally, we're telling ourselves the same thing, except you don't instill a negative view of yourself to yourself and implies you'd be  better able to cope with your future encounters with anxiety.

Or better yet look at this shift 

"I'm struggling" to "i have struggled" although, we can't prove or should dare attempt to attribute our self talk to the root of our problems. Positve encouragement can help, specifically in the case where nothing seems to be working.

Just like how negative encouragement from others can be unhelpful to ourselves, we can be negatively encouraging to ourselves oddly enough and not even pay attention to it. In short, We create our own normal. 

Edited March 12, 2019 by Deepconcepts

[Gabriel Antonio]

16 minutes ago, Deepconcepts said:

Changing our context and word  choice for example, from...

" i've struggled since i was 11"

to

" i had struggles with anxiety in my past"

creates a more positive affirmation that tells the same thing except you don't instill a negative view of yourself to yourself and implies you'd be  better able to cope with your future encounters with anxiety.

Unfortunately, I still struggle with SA. I wish I had completely overcome it, but that's simply not true. 

But anyway, I think I get your point. Many people get heavily identified with their mental health condition. They become the condition itself. 

I have depression > I am depressed > I am depression 

But in reality, the person is much more than his disorder... 

Thanks for your input, btw! 

[Deepconcepts]

@Gabriel Antonio Absolutely! And thank you, Gabriel. i understand my comments seem, banal and rudimentary or how difficult it must be for you to consider reading them, since i don't know you on a personal level.

Nonetheless, i believe that it can still produce significant change which takes years in my opinion and experience. Until then, it's undisputable, since this linguistic loop we've put ourselves in is almost impossible to break. As the saying goes "chains of habit are too light to be felt until they're too heavy to be broken."

Edited March 12, 2019 by Deepconcepts

[KyleR]

@Gabriel Antonio cheers! Need to try yoga and become more active with sport etc. I get what @Deepconcepts is saying, being identified with it can only strengthen it but I’m trying to separate as if it’s just something that’s happening to me rather than being me, super hard to remain conscious when the situations arise though. Guess I just gotta keep putting myself in uncomfortable situations until one day it hopefully eases. Hope you both find your way  

[Gabriel Antonio]

 

[KyleR]

@Gabriel Antonio cheers mate will watch

[DrewNows]

It’s quite the bitch, SA.

It’s embedded into our personality. Our structured belief system cannot be changed overnight. It takes practice practice practice in observing ourselves noticing when the fear and or triggers come up...these are actually opportunities to develop new desirable beliefs. For me the truth of social anxiety is that it actually becomes a choice as a result of our beliefs once we become conscious of the behavior. 

we, us, or the ego is self perpetuating this story which defines, divides and separates us from the world and us from emotions. In actuality, we must see the fact the mind is fear, is pleasure, seeks comfort (security) and status (becoming) and that pain is a reaction to attachment 

I still fall back into sa but it always stems from being identified with thoughts (labels judgements expectations fear separation) 

When I make a commitment to drop self-thought whenever it arises (remaining aware), I’ve gotten incredible results to the point where I can happily stay in a place of no identity (headlessness)

it’s here where we are completely authentic, love is headless, and joy is spontaneous 

 

 

Edited March 15, 2019 by DrewNows

[KyleR]

@DrewNows cheers  what helps you remain aware? Is there anything you do to recentre yourself in the moment when it starts to arise? Feel like I’m getting better with that but can spiral out of control pretty quick. 

[DrewNows]

1 hour ago, KyleR said:

@DrewNows cheers  what helps you remain aware? Is there anything you do to recentre yourself in the moment when it starts to arise? Feel like I’m getting better with that but can spiral out of control pretty quick. 

Well it’s all about getting to a place where there’s no fear of the unknown. It can be as simple as ignoring the thoughts which may result in a spiral of BS if one is truly in attention as awareness. I’ve noticed I will even laugh off certain thoughts and recenter focus on who or whatever is in awareness 

whenever I get triggered it’s usually from a place of identification/shame as my “perfectionism” or hard self critique has proved to be quite an obstacle. Any sort of unhealthy activity may cause the self focus/judgment. Then whenever I am inauthentic in an interaction it will continue with regret and frustration etc 

Also more self love and acceptance is definitely going to “help”