Working Through My Stories

[Leightonm]

Is it a good idea to open a couple of doors, while threading along on your current path? This seem like a good idea to see what is out there, to see what is possible, but I run the risk of becoming too preoccupied with too many rooms. 

Fear is all pervading in my exploration, of course. I'm afraid to continue on my current path as I don't want to end up where it leads. Where it leads is obviously a story I'm telling myself. I'm judging the journey and the imagined destination. But I'm also afraid to open new doors as it invites uncertainty. Uncertainty is all that there is really. The story is just a false sense of certainty. 

I have no idea where any of this leads. I don't know where I'm going. Is it even possible to know? Do I even want to know? Is this the purpose of forgetting? Am I even forgetting? So many questions. It could go on forever it seems. That just leads to neurosis; feeling crazy. Like I don't have a hold on things. Even this post could go in all directions, but I have to stop myself, to stay coherent. Coherency is what I'm after it seems, but there is none. I can't find it. And it's not to be found here. Only confusion. Yet I will continue to try and make sense of it.

I've lost the ball with the previous paragraph. I'm not gonna edit it. I feel as though it needed to come out somehow. 

[Leightonm]

The idea of introversion and extroversion is a dangerous one, especially for introverts. Language is funny. There is the tendency, which I've noticed in myself, to identify with these labels. You read a description, which can be a terrifyingly accurate description of your personality, which then sort of solidifies what is described. Yeah, that is me. That's who I am. Freaking bullshit. For instance the Myers Briggs typology describes me as an INFJ. That's what the tests say I am (Or rather, that who I say I am). Yet, when I read the other types, I can see myself in those too. Which means the test is nonsense. I will not be confined to some descriptive words telling me who I am. I refuse to be pigeonholed. I am the one who have pigeonholed myself. Damn.

[Leightonm]

One of Napoleon Hill's suggestions is not to corcern yourself with what is happening in the world. At least in the point of view of obtaining/chasing wealth. Yet I cannot do this. I want to know what's going on. I want to know whats happening in Russia, and Korea, and China, and what's America up to. But he right. These places does not concern me, yet it does. How do I reconcile this. It also feels as if I already chose a "side", if I'm going with what I just wrote. This is the danger with news. It's a story. And in a story you always pick sides. How do I not pick sides? And how do I stay on point? This was meant to be my working through green and orange ideas, but now i'm on politics. Not cool Leighton. Be on point.

 

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

48 minutes ago, Leightonm said:

Coherency is what I'm after it seems, but there is none. I can't find it. And it's not to be found here. Only confusion. Yet I will continue to try and make sense of it.

I had just watched this podcast by Martin Butler before I read your earlier post. Just because of the synchronicity I thought I would post it. ?‍♂️

 

[Leightonm]

Interesting quote from 1984:

"We control matter because we control the mind. Reality is inside the skull. You will learn by degrees, Winston. There is nothing that we could not do. Invisibility, levitation—anything. I could float off this floor like a soap bubble if I wish to. I do not wish to, because the Party does not wish it. You must get rid of those nineteenth-century ideas about the laws of Nature. We make the laws of Nature."

To what extent are we(I) actually limiting ourselves(myself)?

[Leightonm]

FUN AND BEING SILLY

I have lost this somewhere. I experienced it today after a long time, and the heart was happy. Every part of me was vibrating. The sensation of Joy is wonderful. But as it came, it went. Memory kicked in. I contemplated the whole experience in the moment (or rather after the fact), but it was just stories that came up. Experience can not be contemplated within the moment. That is not being. Why am I afraid of being? Why did I stop myself? The answer is obvious, yet I cannot help myself. The happening just happens. Until it doesn't anymore, I guess. 

Change is recognised, yet memory remains. 

[Leightonm]

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you for your reply. I need to contemplate this. Will come back to you.

[Leightonm]

VALUES

Freedom/Liberation/Enlightenment

Authenticity/Honesty/Openness

Compassion/Love/Joy

Gratitude/Appreciation/Respect

Health/Vitality/Well-Being

Enjoyment/Amusement/Excitement

Manifestation/Realisation/Actualization

Discipline/Purpose/Willpower

Wealth/Prosperity/Abundance

Virtue/Morality/Integrity

Beauty/Aesthetics/Appreciation

 

Seems like a lot to aspire to, but it's only one thing at the end of the day. Focusing on one brings about an increase in the others. Excitement is intrinsically connected to freedom, appreciation, enjoyment, and so forth. It doesn't matter where you begin; what you try to emulate; all others will follow. Be awesome.

[Leightonm]

SPACE, ARISINGS, STORIES

You spend your time in your own space; trying to find out who you are. But doing this is tougher than you can ever realize. Arisings arise. Experience wants to be experienced. 

These arisings can easliy be handled, but you don't want to. It's a nice distraction. You want to be distracted. 

But in the back of your mind you know what you're doing. You feel bad. You judge yourself. Why do you judge yourself if you enjoy the distraction? Because the distraction is taking your attention away from something important. 

 

 

[Leightonm]

KNOWING PEOPLE

Is this even possible? If every person is as deep as you are, how can you ever expect to get to know them? The best you can do is to slap labels onto them. Yup, that's who they are. But of course, that's not who they are. Maybe that label was accurate in the moment, in order for you to make sense of that moment, but what about the next moment? 

[Leightonm]

COLOURS

Colours is a concept. Not colour itself, but the categorisation of it. No that's incorrect, colour is a concept. It doesn't exist. 

The tree in my backyard does not have a definite colour. It has no colour. It is what it is at that exact moment. Nothing less, nothing more. 

Yet all I can see is a tree. 

PS: Spiral Dynamics takes advantage of the fact that we have these colours within our awareness. It highjacks the meaning and inserts a new meaning on top of it. Ingenious really. 

 

[Leightonm]

FEAR, DEVELOPMENT, CHANGE

I have a visceral aversion to change and development. Just visiting the Toastmasters website induces stress, judged sensations, and memory recall. I cannot go further than that. I recently went through a whole process of researching the best martial arts places, found one I would like to go to, and nothing happened. It's just hanging there now. But at least it's hanging there right? I don't know. 

 

I had the idea that I have changed. But the idea of change is not change itself.  

[Leightonm]

WHAT IS CHANGE?

...and why do I want it? Why am I seeking it?

Is it an inward or outward moving force?

Can it be controlled? Or guided?

How does it manifest? Is it even a thing?

If it's not a thing, then why are no two moments the same?

If it is a thing, where does the driving force come from? What is pushing change along? Or is change just the result of some other force? What would this other force be? 

______________

I believe I need to be someone else. My current self is just not coping.

Change is co-operative, or rather it can be cooperated with. Is this true?

It just happens. How and why can be known. I don't know now. But I can. I'm afraid of what that would entail. I'm afraid of the responsibility. What might be asked of me. This puts me in a rather peculiar position; one where I'm actively looking for change but not willing to accept and embrace it. 

 

I'm tired of the stories.

[Leightonm]

Everything is the most beautiful thing.