Help me interpret my dream and friendship

[Aquarius]

On 2/25/2019 at 11:16 PM, Nahm said:

A clue that it felt good)

Yes, I can recognize it now. Sorry for such a late reply but I had to do inner work in order to understand these high concepts. Had to glimpse God first. Yes, it felt good to reconnect with my Inner Self. 

In sleep, there is no illusion that One, so mind try’s to reconcile things you experienced through the falsity of twoness, or “not me” stuff)

That's so true! How could I be so blind, it's right there in front of me, I just started to see it! Oh my God, it's ME! <3

The tree and roots-below-what-is-seen is a tradition symbol that the limb or branches are people, all truly of the same roots /nonduality/One/YOU. 

He’s you. The “reasons” you felt insulted, are the things you stand to accept. 

Yeah, he was me. That's why I wasn't aware who he was. Only when I woke up. Conscious state is dual, subconscious dream state is non-dual. I was looking at myself? I smiled at myself? In the form of the traits I still have to accept? Oh right.. I see..... My fragmented self reconnected with the One I.

I am feeling jealousy towards him, not love... at least not pure Love. That's why I hate him. I am jealous of his beauty and that he is so strong and emotionally stable. In reality I am attracted to his physical appearance not his personality. He's not funny at all, it's psychological abuse. Not that I am not abusive...

I don't have long hair, people don't have crushes on me, I am not athletic, I have crooked teeth, I'm allergic to almost anything, I have a speech problem (can't pronounce 'r' properly). It's obvious that I am resentful and angry and jealous. 

I think the dream was trying to heal my shadow self. The abusive, resentful, jealous self. We all have a shadow. I am not a special snowflake. 

(“Connect”, with You - nonduality)

Yes.

(What is it about you, which doesn’t care for that?)

There is a force of pure light, pure unconditional love in me, but it is rarely coming out nowadays because I neglected myself. I let others take advantage of me and abuse me. But when it comes out, I love everything, even the worst things in history like torture or whatever. I feel empathy and see beauty in all. Not that I feel high or anything, but I am blissful. Calm, accepting. I even cry.  Pure Love.

Sounds like you’re attracted to his looks, but not his personality.

Bingo. 

Take a look at how you were seeing things, the perspective you held, which “ruined” the friend ship. It should lead you right to a fragmentation you can dissolve with awareness. 

I isolated myself from the world because I hated myself / felt superior. For years. Then I kinda lost my mind and spammed everybody because I felt so lonely that I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to open up.

If you do think you’re gay, explore it within and in the world, see about it. But whatever you do, don’t pretend there is a second entity, judging you. There is not. You are The One. Whatever you feel, or do, is fine. 

Haha, I'm not gay, I was just messing around. I developed the 'weak gay' mentality over the years, because I was very masculine-looking for a girl. Then people assume masculine girls are lesbians or bisexuals. So in a sense you are right. I DID create a second identity, but instead of judging I thought it was kinda cool because everybody my age was talking about it, and I wanted to be cool and different. Then I was joking around how I was gay, or bi, but deep inside it felt bad because I didn't have an interest for girls. I kinda just forced myself, maybe also because I was afraid of pregnancy and I thought a lesbian relationship would be more useful because you cannot get pregnant by a girl lol. Then I realised it was dumb to pretend to be something I am not so I let go of it and simply was myself. But I am still very masculine looking. 

All this sounds so dumb honestly, but I am willing to be honest with myself now.  Whatever it takes.. It's too much self-deception if I sugar-coat it.

 

On 2/26/2019 at 2:01 PM, Shin said:

Is him the same condescendant ass that only care about his penis you talked about months ago ?

If yes, stop searching excuse to talk to him, the number 1 reason why people don't grow is because they keep surrounding themselves with toxic friends.

No, he is not my ex.

And on a side note, what if I'm toxic too? Nobody is perfect. My ex just told me btw that he doesn't deserve me.  (Edit: it's not about "deserving" someone...we are equal)

He realised that already, so I forgave him, and no we are not together, we aren't compatible and that's ok, but I don't see the reason why we should hold grudges. Even if we don't talk that often.

But I also agree with you. If I want to grow I have to let go of what no longer serves me. For example lies people tell me about how I am and what I deserve.

Thanks Shin.  

On 2/26/2019 at 2:10 PM, Nahm said:

Well, when you woke up in the morning, was there someone else there, someone who had crawled into your ear and participated in your dream.....

Insulted you.....

Infuriated you......and then left when you awoke? 

In the dream I wasn't angry. I was angry when I woke up, after I gained back my conscious state. Because I don;t feel worthy enough.

Is it really like that? No.  What is it, really?

Feeling unworthy.

Are there really “parts” of you? 

No. I am whole.  

Are you really hating “him”?

I hate myself, I am projecting my hate onto him.

Notice the futility, the silliness, in pretending you are parts, or two, and that your thought of hate is “hating him”. Have a laugh about this.

Haha, I see.  

What does it really mean to you to “care too much”?  Is that not a justification, a means, to continuing to fragment yourself?

It's an excuse. Yes.

Really look at why that particular memory is reoccurring and being referenced now? What is it telling you? 

What ground work did you lay, what have you been saying to that friend, which led to them knowing you were likely to be sad upon seeing this? Perhaps you’ve been repeating this projection over and over to yourself and your friend?

It tells me that I am lonely and make myself feel unworthy. Like I have no options. I always tell my friend that I'm a failure.

If you like his personality - then you could see that he is not making you anything. 

“He” “makes” you anxious & depressed? Or - your thoughts which surface when you see him are anxious & depressing?

I take what he says too personally. And I might not understand irony and sarcasm all the time. I mean I understand it but when it is about me it hurts. I am easy to upset. 

“It's like someone holds up a mirror close to your face and forces you to look in it.”

“Forces”...?

If you were “forced” to look in this mirror - what is it you would see?

Myself. 

 

Edited June 18, 2019 by Aquarius
it's not about deserving someone