Outgrown current Life Purpose, or still in the struggle stage?

[Marcell Kovacs]

Hello there,

I'm unfortunately struggling to decide whether my current life purpose is the right one or not and to decide, I'd like to ask for your help.

So nearly 5 years ago I discovered a particular genre in electronic music that's the most passionate thing I've ever been towards in my entire life. I would then spend years discovering different eras and artists and subconsciously I would imagine myself DJing at some of these parties that I heard the recording of. I would spend countless days discovering new recordings, looking for tracks the DJs were playing and trying to dig up as much information about these tracks and labels they were released on as possible.

Fast forward to 2016 summer, I stumbled upon Actualized.org and I heard @Leo Gura emphasizing the concept of Life Purpose and wanting a passionate life I started thinking about what I'm the most passionate about. Then I came to the realization that DJing (and electronic music production as well) could be the best choice for me. I then took up a job and by 2017 summer I could afford the equipment that I wanted to have in order to start practicing.

At this moment I made a huge mistake. I became really cocky and thought that I would be able to do the different kinds of techniques and be able to perform overall at the level that some of my heroes were performing at just because I thought I knew all there is to know about the genre and also because I knew how I would set myself apart from these people. Of course, it was all harder than I thought and this unrealistic expectation lead me to completely fuck my process towards mastery up to the point that I would only practice less and less overtime because I couldn't stand more than 30 minutes behind the turntables before completely losing myself and stopping altogether. It literally felt like hell.

Around the same time I also knew I wanted to get into producing these tracks as well, however I was still very much motivated by DJing more, but whenever I would walk on the streets I would hear sounds and imagine placing them into the tunes I would produce. I started learning the different production softwares, however my main focus was still DJing.

Fast forward to last summer (2018) I was still very disappointed by my progress both in DJing and producing which wasn't nearly as great as it could have been due to psyching myself out during practice sessions because of the unrealistic and perfectionist expectations I set myself. I then started questioning whether this really is going to be my Life Purpose or not and I eventually ended up taking the course.

To my surprise the course just REINFORCED that I wanted to continue and I became very motivated again, however I don't know whether I was deceiving myself or not, because subconsciously I may have taken the course just to reinforce that I don't want to let go of this purpose because then I would have to start something else. I made a negotiation with myself that I wouldn't beat myself up due to my lack of progress. If I can spend 10 minutes DJing/learning music production without getting psyched out, then I can spend 10 minutes and that's it, things will start aligning eventually.

Then last autumn my intuition spoke to me from thin air saying that if I wanted to become a great producer (and DJ), I would have to become a passive student at my current university, which I somewhat enjoy, however I've always looked it as another way to procrastinate from pursuing my career in this particular genre. I also realized that I would have to sign up for a music production class to do this full time otherwise I wasn't going to end up getting any results. This was the kind of decision Leo was talking about in the "The Challenges Of Making Bold Life Changes" video. Just thinking about making the switch would send shivers down my spine.

So realizing that following my intuition is one of the most important things in life and it's something not many people do, regardless of all the heartache I did just that, this January I enrolled in the course, and started doing it, however since then there hasn't been a single day where I wouldn't have to enermously push myself to sit down and open the production software to do the exercises laid out to the point where I would psyche myself out again and end up doing nothing for days and fall behind with everything. I'm sick of the thought of sitting down and opening the software up. Something else I became aware of is that one of my greatest strengths in life (similarly to Leo) is that I've always been an exceptionally good researcher in whatever topic I would dive myself deep into and this is something people actually praise me for. I would always find such rare pieces of information that many people had no idea about. Just the fact that I've found Actualized.org is a proof of this. Surely if I was really into music production, I would have taken the same approach and not end up signing up for a structured online class.

Another thing that's changed is that ever since I started meditating and doing other spiritual practices that Leo talks about, I kind of lost interest in this particular genre in a sense. I would always check out the new releases every Friday, which don't happen anymore. Whenever I would be in town, I would listen to music, however these days I find myself just listening to podcasts and Actualized.org videos while I'm running errands and stuff. Even I have to admit that the fire that I first felt when I discovered these DJ sets/tunes that I was listening to is not nearly as strong these days as it was back then. Had I started producing/DJing immediately, we would definitely not be having this topic, however the truth is that ever since I began meditating 3 years ago the amount of growth I had attained has been greater than ever, which also leads me to believe that maybe I've outgrown this whole music thing in the first place.

Also while I'm definitely not advancing in DJing as quickly as I'd like to, I've been practicing certain techniques ever since I got my equipment 1,5 years ago that I still haven't mastered at all, yet many people write on forums that it takes normally between 2-6 months to master them, which is incredibly demotivating, HOWEVER at least I'm at a level where I don't have to push myself as much as I used to in order to start practicing, however any further progress is very hardly attained.

Now you might be thinking that music production isn't for me, even I said that I have more passion towards DJing, however the problem is that you have to do both these days. Surely among some of the people I find inspiring in this particular genre, some of them are better at DJing and some are better at producing, there's LITERALLY NO ONE who doesn't do both! You have to! And even the people who are better at DJing speak with such passion about producing as well.

I'm not sure if the reason why I'm so resistant towards all this is because I'm still at the beginning phase and I'm not having any success, or because I've truly outgrown this passion of mine? I recently listened to a podcast with one of my favorite producers who said that if you're still a beginner and you have to force yourself to write/produce stuff without having any hunger for sitting down, you might as well stop, because that's not going to work in the long run. But then on the other hand I hear Leo mentioning in the Life Purpose Course that the first 3-5 years of doing this work I'm going to be struggling left and right. I really don't know who to listen to.

Also I cannot imagine that some of these guys would have to force themselves to start making tunes or practice DJing on the decks during the beginning when they're talking about how they spent 5-6 hours perfecting a SINGLE SOUND in some of their tunes, to which usually my reaction is "Jesus Christ, that sounds miserable..." And these aren't even mainstream/well-known/successful people! This is such a small niche of people that only those who accidentally stumble upon this particular genre and do thousands of hours of research into it know these people! I cannot imagine them having to write onto forums topics like I'm writing right here, right now.

So, what to do now? Is it time for me to seek a new purpose, or is there still hope for me in this whole music production/DJing thing? Also, if there is, what can I change in order to not make it as painful as it is right now? Sometimes I literally feel like I'm in hell when I think about doing some of these things. I would sometimes rather just go back to university, which I didn't like much, than sit down in front of the computer and start producing a track or practice behind the decks.

Thanks for reading, no TL;DR for this one!

Edited February 22, 2019 by Marcell Kovacs

[Alissa]

According to what you described your state of producing and DJing I think it’s not really the passion of yours that’s being generated from your core . Probably it was the first attempt to then deepen your realization of your inside and of what gift the universe has given you to become extraordinary . 

Try to do something else ; sometimes you got to try many things to reach that state of waking up and feeling so excited for what you’re doing and being really fulfilled and proud of where you’ve reached . Of course that’s not easy , but it’s going to pay off one day . Best of luck