I want to keep her around a little too badly

[flowboy]

I also posted this on my journal, but I realized I would like feedback on it.

A girl I know from acting class started texting me. We got along great and slept together. And now, I realize she's got all the power because I think she's really cool and want to see her again, and she's not so sure.

I'm getting needy with the girl I slept with. It's getting out of hand. I texted her that I like her when I was drunk. I'm texting her every morning, for way too long. I am addicted to getting responses from her. She's making no effort whatsoever to impress me.

Why, why can't I just be cool now?

To be fair, she's very smart and witty and we get along great. So that's why my instinct is to keep her around. But not going about it the right way. I have too little faith, I think. A part of me is in a hurry to create a situation where we have feelings for each other and get kind of clingy. Because that's the way I'm used to keeping in touch with girls? This smells a lot like trying to re-create the patterns with my exes that I'm trying to avoid. I need it to be love. Why?

It's A. not healthy and B. not working. I have to interrupt this.

My question is: how to handle this? My plan is to at least not text her today anymore, and go do stuff for myself. Maybe even go try my hand at pickup again.

I already fucked up by texting her I like her and following it up by saying I feel vulnerable in the situation. Any advice on how to recover from this?

Edited February 22, 2019 by flowboy

[Knock]

My recommendation is not to worry about it too much! You will laugh about this all looking back. Infatuation is a funny thing, a gift from life that makes it all that much more interesting. You will miss it when you get older and become too serious 

Just keep living your life, doing your thing, and not come across too needy. Hang out with your mates, don't forego your work/exercise/hobbies for her, and just go with wherever the relationship takes you. If she wants you, she will make time for you and get in contact with you. 

 

[Hello from Russia]

Don't be afraid of your own authenticity. There is nothing wrong in saying her "I like you" if you do. Especially if you already got some traction with her and had sex. Don't let manipulation techniques from pickup get too much in your head. Genuine way is the best way. 

[ajasatya]

2 hours ago, flowboy said:

Maybe even go try my hand at pickup again.

break this pattern and learn to get well by yourself already. take a lonely walk and watch the pain of neediness rip of your chest and open your heart. watch the flowers... they don't seek the bees. flowers are just beautiful. and you can be beautiful too.

[flowboy]

50 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

break this pattern and learn to get well by yourself already. take a lonely walk and watch the pain of neediness rip of your chest and open your heart. watch the flowers... they don't seek the bees.

Hmm, it feels like you're hitting the nail on the head here. Thank you

[flowboy]

3 hours ago, Knock said:

My recommendation is not to worry about it too much! You will laugh about this all looking back. Infatuation is a funny thing, a gift from life that makes it all that much more interesting. You will miss it when you get older and become too serious 

Yeah, kinda forgot about that, so true!

Every time I'm infatuated I tend to fuck it up, though. Trying to be mindful this time

[flowboy]

2 hours ago, Hello from Russia said:

Don't let manipulation techniques from pickup get too much in your head. Genuine way is the best way. 

Hmm, yes. Quite a relief to be reminded that the most important thing is to be genuine, and that doesn't require overthinking.

I am considering these options:

• Leave her alone today and ask her to hang out later this weekend, if it fits in my plans
• Leave her alone forever and never make plans unless she initiates
• Try to meet up with her today, because that's what I would like and this waiting game is manipulative and silly

 

[Forestluv]

@flowboy I've gone through this mind-body dynamic and know how intense it is. The mind-body will try to behave in a way it thinks will keep the relationship going (e.g. "I better not text her again because I may look desperate"). Ime, this is not the healthiest way to go. The underlying mind-body dynamic that needs to get addressed is the sense of being incomplete and insecure. When the mind-body is with the gal, there is temporary relief from insecurity/anxiety and a temporary sense of being complete. Yet, the incomplete/insecure dynamic will return and continue on, until the underlying issue is addressed.

This is just my opinion based on my experience. . . To me, this looks like a counter-intuitive situation. As hard as it is to do, I would sit and get grounded with the sense of insecurity and attachment. I would try to get enough detachment that I could discuss the dynamic with her without any attachment. This is a very high level of emotional maturity. . . Sometime when you are with her, the conversation might go something like this "I was doing some introspective work and noticed a mixture of attraction and fear arising. I thought 'how interesting'. So, I observed this energy to get to the root of it's source. After some contemplation it seems like. . . "  Being genuine and grounded with fearless vulnerability is a sign of a mature confident man. Yet, it can't be said in a clutchy "don't leave me" desperate way. Also, it can't be said with too much intensity. Don't make it some huge deal and bring in stuff about childhood, past failed relationships, therapy that didn't work etc. You've got to say it from a detached, curious, genuine, grounded position. As if you were talking about a friend you care about. People pick up on neediness and clutchiness and it is unattractive. As well, the timing is important.

I would only do this if you want a meaningful relationship based on mutual support with who you really are. If you want a sexual fling, I would not go this route and I would work on role playing development (you would essentially be playing an actor with her that is not the true you). If you go the meaningful relationship route, it's not easy. It took me years to get grounded enough to have these types of conversations. You've got to be ok with either reaction from her. She may say "You are a beta male. I'm looking for more of an alpha male. Sorry. See ya". Yet, that is good to know if you want a meaningful relationship, you can move on. Or she may say something on the same wavelength like "hmmm, I've experienced that too in life. I've never really thought about it like that. I've been doing some self-love practices lately that have helped". It won't be this exact phrase, yet something that creates a connection, support and continues a mutual exploration. If so, you are GOLDEN. You can now discuss this dynamic with her without fear and anxiety and it's something the two of you could work through.

If this dynamic has been a pattern in the mind-body, it will continue to arise. Trying to repress it or hide it in the relationship doesn't work. It will get expressed one way or another. 

I've been in every combination of this dynamic. I dated a gal I was really really into and had this conversation and she dropped me because I wasn't "manly" enough in a traditional sense (good riddance to her). Another woman I was into became super attracted by this level of emotional awareness and with the strength of fearless vulnerability. We began to get to know each other below the surface - it's so much deeper.

[SgtPepper]

Let go of wanting to keep her. Otherwise you will ALWAYS worry about this. Even if you manage to get into a long-term relationship with her. 2 years down the line you will think, "What if she gets bored? what if she finds a better guy?" Just let go. Be happy alone or be happy being with someone, but most important, don't worry just be happy and to do that, you have to let go.

additionally, You will make yourself look unattractive the more you cling as well. 

[Pav]

Spend time away from her without any contact for 6 months or so, until your infatuation is gone. It's not authentic to be needy or to treat people as something to be possessed.

You have already lost status in her eyes and so she has lost attraction to you.

Re-ground yourself in your purpose, only from there can you truly love (as someone with a masculine essence your mission comes first, from this place energy can overflow in to your relationships). If you have not found your life purpose yet, resume the search.

Edited February 23, 2019 by Pav

[Markus]

Working on contemplating why you feel incomplete alone could be helpful. Why do you feel your life has to fit a certain narrative where it must go your way? That's what clinging is - adamantly insisting reality remain a certain way and work out a certain way. It won't. 

Reducing your neediness probably will not happen overnight. As it seems like you're significantly more invested in her than vice versa, there's a good chance things won't work out. Imbalances in neediness between two people are draining for both parties. The less needy party feels overwhelmed, and the needier party will never receive enough attention. Acting less needy is of course a good idea, but as long as the reason you tend to be needy is not worked out, you may well fail to do so.

[flowboy]

On 2/23/2019 at 7:34 AM, Pav said:

You have already lost status in her eyes and so she has lost attraction to you.

I did NOT want to hear this but it turns out that you're right.

It triggered a lot of "this is not fair - why can't I just authentically show interest without girls losing attraction" feelings.

[Aeris]

On 22/02/2019 at 10:08 PM, SgtPepper said:

Let go of wanting to keep her. Otherwise you will ALWAYS worry about this. Even if you manage to get into a long-term relationship with her. 2 years down the line you will think, "What if she gets bored? what if she finds a better guy?" Just let go. Be happy alone or be happy being with someone, but most important, don't worry just be happy and to do that, you have to let go.

additionally, You will make yourself look unattractive the more you cling as well. 

you cut clear the bullshit in many topics, I like your answers you. just the good lenght.

OP : I think it's over for this one, but if not, try to find for yourself.

Edited February 25, 2019 by Aeris

[SFRL]

@flowboy watch some AMS videos. (Alpha Male Strategies). 

Give it a good honest try. At least 10 videos. 

 

 

[Shir]

@flowboy I'm sorry you're going through this right now and I know I for SURE am not speaking for all women, especially not your Lady but why the hell do people sleep with people without having any feelings involved beforehand and expect the other person be the end all and be all? seems like you both used each other solely for pleasure. The soul KNOWS that sex is deeper than just an getting it on like animals.

This is EXACTLY why I'd never sleep with a man before we're actually madly in love. See the pain you're in? the awful needy-ness that consumes you?

Do yourself a favor and not sleep so quickly with people. I have no idea why people do this to themselves. All I see is frustration and pain and cannot for the life of me understand why people would want to do that to themselves and put their heart on the line when these things can be avoided.

That being said, maybe I'm just a sensitive female but believe me you - when you KNOW who you are, you wouldn't mess with your own heart either.

I suggest trying to build some integrity with yourself - if you SEEK to have a women who responds quickly to you then don't give it all up to her so quickly. What does she have to work for? Nothing. Same for a woman - why should the man buy the cow if he can get the milk for free? smh. 

[Pav]

@flowboy Your current state is not authentic. Infatuation is a projection on to another person and a way to avoid facing your own problem(s) which you have repressed. There is a deeper issue at play here which you must become conscious of and resolve in order to get closer to your authentic core.

[flowboy]

I don't have it completely clear yet, but I do get the sense that what's happening has to do with the reason I decided that I shouldn't be in a relationship for a good while.

 

Every time I meet someone, something in me goes: "OH MY GOD WE ACTUALLY GET ALONG THIS IS SO RARE, PLEASE STAY"

Maybe it's not that rare.

Edited February 26, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Thank you guys for sharing your views and not holding back.

[flowboy]

I came up with this remedy: I will write down this affirmation 15 times every morning:

Quote

All around are infinitely many conscious, funny and sexy women who want to fuck me

, until it no longer feels special and rare that I get along with a girl and that she's interested in my thoughts. That should feel normal. More abundant.

[Forestluv]

On 2/26/2019 at 10:10 AM, flowboy said:

Every time I meet someone, something in me goes: "OH MY GOD WE ACTUALLY GET ALONG THIS IS SO RARE, PLEASE STAY"

Maybe it's not that rare.

It's not rare at all. I think it's actually quite common. Yet for most people it is subconscious and they are not aware of it. I've experienced this dynamic both subconsciously and consciously. It can be difficult to regulate one's behavior with this dynamic since there is an ongoing filter monitoring whether a particular behavior will increase or decrease the chance of her staying/leaving. This can lead to people pleasing, seeking validation, passive aggressiveness and other types of behaviors that cause separation. There may be brief periods of relief and wonderful connection - for example melting with her during sex. Yet what happens later? The filter kicks back in "This is so wonderful. . . wait a second. . . what if it ends? What if I'm not "XYZ" enough?. . . " Then the program starts.

I've also found that this dynamic prevents what is so wonderful - the pure spontaneity and connection in the moment. The humor, creativity, spontaneity, playfulness, gazing into each others eyes, deep love, experimenting together etc. That "what if" filter robs a relationship of it's most beautiful aspects. Yet the dissolution of that filter is not easy and involves a form of surrender that the psychological self will resist. . .