Innocent offence problem, please help!

[Truth Addict]

It's kind of funny..

I never mean to offend anyone, but it seems like I usually do.

I don't know how to be gentle with other people's egos, because I don't see my way talking offensive, while others somehow manage to see it the other way around.

Even the times I offer some advice, I feel like I'm offending the other end.

My "problem" is that I am very straight forward, and I'm not sure why that's offensive.

I reflect on the things I say, and I don't say it unless I'm sure that I myself would not be offended by others saying it to me.

In a discussion, I notice that people care about emotions way more than the main discussed issues which I go straight into.

Of course, that does not happen here as frequent as in other societies.

I want to solve this issue once and for all, because I care about other people.

Any advice? Anyone been there before? Feel free to offend me! Lol!

Edited February 21, 2019 by Truth Addict

[Salvijus]

I don't know if this is going to make sense for you now but here it goes.

the problem is that you don't take 100% responsiblity for that person's wellbeing. Somewhere you think it's his own fault that he doesn't get it. 

Because of this. There's a subtle feelings of blame or irritation towards that person. And this irritation finds harsh expression and sometimes offends others.

If you take full responsiblity for other person. If you say. I'm 100% responsible for you. Then there's no possibility of offending anyone. And the other person unknowingly will be open to you. Not deffensive, not resisting. Because no one is attacking his beliefs anymore.

Actually this is called expanding your identity. If you include other as yourself, if you take responsiblity for them. There will be a mutual trust and love and understanding. 

This actually takes like 3h to explain this is just basics.

[Truth Addict]

@Salvijus

Thank you!

21 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

Because of this. There's a subtle feelings of blame or irritation towards that person. And this irritation finds harsh expression and sometimes offends others.

I admit that sometimes that might be the case, but really, even the times I try my best to show compassion, the other end receives it as offensive.

For example:

Someone on Facebook was making a poem about politics, I felt the anger and hatred in his poem, he ended his post with the following words: "it's obvious, just open your eyes."

I tried to give him the ultimate solution for his problem, so I replied: "maybe try closing your eyes, there you may find relief."

He immediately got angry at me and took offence and replied with sarcasm.

Where did I go wrong?

[Salvijus]

Its not what you say. It's the vibration of the words that you produce.

Try to to take full responsiblity for him. Juat try to feel how does it feel when you take full responsiblity for him. Like a mother takes full responsiblity for her child. Like that you take responsiblity for the whole world. That's called all inclusive identity. Be responsible for every ant, tree, bird,.animal, every person.

See and feel that you're responsible for him and then recreate the same situation in your memory and see how you would react this time when you take responsiblity for him totally. You'll see different words will come out of you. And then you'll understand then what I mean. 

"First establish your way of being then act." Sadhguru.

In this case it means, first you become all loving, all inclusive and then act.

46 minutes ago, Truth Addict said:

Where did I go wrong?

Honestly, you basicly called him a fool. indirectly, without using negative words you sayed to him, you're stupid, better close your eyes you didn't use those words but the energy is the same.

If you looked at him as a part of yourself. Something totally different would've come out of you. A different vibriotion.

Edited February 21, 2019 by Salvijus

[Truth Addict]

@Salvijus

I think that's what I was missing. Thank you ?

[TheAvatarState]

5 hours ago, Truth Addict said:

I reflect on the things I say, and I don't say it unless I'm sure that I myself would not be offended by others saying it to me.

Using yourself as the standard to evaluate your discussion opens yourself up to self-deception. I would suggest learning about Spiral Dynamics (Leo's video series) and speaking to other people from their own level of development. At the very least, learn to avoid triggering keywords at each stage. 

[Truth Addict]

@TheAvatarState

Thank you for your response.

I did learn about spiral dynamics, and it kind of helped me.

But still, I assume it's something to do with my upbringing. My parents are also bad at this, and I was an introvert for almost my whole life.

I consider myself at blue/green on the spiral with slightly more yellow than orange.

Maybe I need more experience, what do you think?

[Joseph Maynor]

You must feel like you're right.  That's what makes me cocky, when I feel like I'm right.  When we feel we're right, we act cocky.  

Maybe what you should do (and we should all do) is examine that clinging to feeling right.  

The Ego-Mind loves to be reinforced that it is right.  

But maybe you're not so right, or maybe this is a deficiency need that is coming from the Ego-Mind's need to feel right.

Edited February 21, 2019 by Joseph Maynor

[Forestluv]

@Truth Addict I think I've gone through a similar process. It sounds like intellectual intelligence is dominating over emotional and social intelligence. Notice how the mind wants to downgrade emotional and social intelligence by referring to it as a "problem" (in quotes) and subconsciously suggesting it is the other people's problem and how can I best deal with their problem. As well, notice how the mind calls it an "innocent offense problem". The sneaky ego loves to consider itself the innocent good guy.

For me, this went on for years and years. I defaulted to the thinking mind and rarely experienced truly deep emotional connections with others. I didn't flow in social groups. I didn't pick up on unstated needs of others. Quite often someone would end up upset and would be bewildered how I didn't know. I would say "Why didn't you just tell me!!??".

As I transitioned into Green, I became aware that I was over-intellectual at the expense of emotional and social intelligence. My empathy and intuition was quite low. I had to take responsibility and stop focusing on others. I spent a lot of time developing Green skills of empathy, connection, vulnerability, intuition etc and my emotional and social intelligence has significantly increased. It has opened up a whole new world. It has attracted new friends and a girlfriend at depths of connections I never knew existed. There are emotional and social realms that are unbelievably mind-body blowing.

24 minutes ago, Truth Addict said:

I consider myself at blue/green on the spiral with slightly more yellow than orange.

You describe a Green-level deficiency.

One of the major lessons of Green is embodying intent vs. impact. Notice how you are focused on intent and just beginning to notice impact. It also relates to subjective experience and developing a strong empathetic ability.

For my progress, I decreased my intellectualizing in half and doubled my time working on the emotional/social level.

[Truth Addict]

@Joseph Maynor @Serotoninluv

I really appreciate your help guys.

Really! You brought to my awareness things I wasn't conscious of before.

I knew the ego is a bastard, but I didn't expect it to stab me in the back like that.

Everything you said applies perfectly to me. I'll work on it.

Thank you ?

[Joseph Maynor]

6 hours ago, Truth Addict said:

@Joseph Maynor @Serotoninluv

I really appreciate your help guys.

Really! You brought to my awareness things I wasn't conscious of before.

I knew the ego is a bastard, but I didn't expect it to stab me in the back like that.

Everything you said applies perfectly to me. I'll work on it.

Thank you ?

Be careful about working on it though because that's just more Ego-Mind clinging.  It's a little bit counter-intuitive.  You don't want to try to be humble, that will only backfire and your Ego will not do that sustainably anyway.  It's best just to keep working on your Path and meditating.  Let No Ego or being work on you.  I recall in one of Emerald's videos where she talked about those Chinese Finger Traps where the harder you pull the harder the damn thing locks down on your finger.  It's only when you stop trying to pull your finger out that the trap releases.  Humility is like that too.  Trying to be humble doesn't do it.  It's when you release from the Ego-Mind that humility naturally comes, as does calm and peace and all kinds of other things.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_finger_trap

Edited February 22, 2019 by Joseph Maynor

[Truth Addict]

@Joseph Maynor  ??

 

[Hellspeed]

I don't care anymore on offending someone. Honesty is the best Policy. Be honest with yourself and others and let the sky fall. In the long run is the best for me. 

[Truth Addict]

41 minutes ago, Hellspeed said:

I don't care anymore on offending someone. Honesty is the best Policy. Be honest with yourself and others and let the sky fall. In the long run is the best for me. 

I don't like being a hypocrite either.

But sometimes honesty creates resistance in the other end, and therefore limits and hinders the communication that we're aiming for in the first place.

Not everyone is comfortable with facing truths, let alone opinions.

[Markus]

Every person lives in their own world, many of those worlds are different from yours in ways you can't really fathom. There's reasons for emotional reactions people have. In the example you give you seem to be looking at this from a rather left-brained perspective. Of course people care about their emotions a lot. So do people who consider themselves more logic-oriented, it's just not as overtly expressed to others as among right-brained "stage green" types, but rather masked behind ideas of reason, logic, focusing on facts and so forth. So - start to look out for that in yourself.  

You can work on listening, trying to understand where the other person is coming from better, by trying to assume their perspective of looking at things. One's perspective expands with time and life events, as long as you make an earnest effort to see what the world is showing you. You'll always fall short of truly seeing others, but falling a little closer makes a difference.

[Truth Addict]

@Markus

Makes perfect sense to me. Thank you ? ?

[Markus]

@Truth Addict ❤️