Food Addiction - Basic Devil’s tool

[Ar_Senses]

Hey there, everybody.

Need some help/advice or support in the theme of self purification. It’s hard for me while I’m “inside” of all those dynamics to really stop and understand how to free myself from some bullshit that I’m doing constantly.

If you have a genuine interest in helping I’ll try to describe the dark sides of my character for you, therefore you’ll be able to get a broader perspective on the situation:

• 24 y.o.
• Spiral Dynamics: Grounded in stage Green, but heavily influenced by Orange. Having a wet dreams about Yellow and trying to embody it more here and there because of my natural love in wisdom and understanding.
• ENTP (MBTI 16-types of personality)
• ADHD brain type (because of shitty childhood + genetics; not taking meds, but experimenting with nootropics)
• Top-4 weakness’s:

1. Modesty and Humility
2. Industry, diligence and perseverance
3. Self-control and self-regulation
4. Citizenship, teamwork and loyalty

• Top-5 negative habits and addictions:

1. Food (junk, cafe, coffee, sweet + my GF also hooked on it so it’s harder to keep myself away)
2. Procrastination/Laziness/Distraction (ADHD + IDK what exactly, feels like it’s stage green excesses like “man, just relax”, “everything will flow to you” + a lot of self esteem issues while growing (school problems because of adhd, low-class single mother, toxic friends)
3. Porn and masturbation (while having a GF, but with problems in sexual domain - she’s having a physical problems which aren’t able to cure around a year + negative bias’s about sex and infections etc)
4. Social Media - Instagram, YouTube, messengers (it’s going very unconsciously, sometimes can’t take off myself sometimes for hours)
5. Poor financial management (as I’ve mansions - low-class upbringing + green stage excesses like “I don’t need to work hard for money. It should to figure out somehow)

There is some positive things that I’m doing to grow myself on the everyday basis:

• Leo’s videos
• Books and reading (self-help from the booklist)
• Concentration (3 min) + Meditation (20-50 min) + Affirmations (5 min) + Visualisatiob (5 min)
• Jiu-Jitsu (about two month)
• Life Purpose course (already ended but there’s a lot of “polishing” needed)
• Contemplation (unsystematic, but naturally talented)

One of my biggest struggles in life is to get my shit together and be disciplined to do the work which in necessary.

It’s obvious for me, that all those habits are about “rooting” myself into improper sources. There is something wrong with a strategy. I see that my top goal in that sphere is to get rid of food addiction, and have a clean healthy diet because it has a chain reaction on my ability to focus and self-control, which influencing procrastination, jurking, more food, bad financial decisions. I’m trying to use nootropics to “build up” my cognition for being able to clean up my diet but for now it’s failing. I have a sense of purpose now and a vision (has ended Life Purpose Course), which is inspiring for me. But yet something isn’t right. I love the idea that addictions is a lack of understanding of limitations it in the first place.

So, the biggest obstacles that I see now to drop food addiction:

• Lack of commitment and responsibility
• Bad environment (Girlfriend, Parents when we met them, cafe and fast food all around the city)
• Lack of money (For better food; list of supplements and nootropics; for EEG and Neurofeedback to heal myself from ADHD)
• Lack of understanding of the benefits of being clean
• Lack of enjoyment and fulfillment, which brings peace and unhook from cravings

 

Okay, while I’m writing this I’ve got an idea! Let me try to answer some questions from Leo’s video about addictions:

• Step 1: Choose your addiction

It’s easy! Foooood (on-nom-nom). BTW I’m not overweight (lucky bustard)

• Step 2: Make a list of examples of your addiction occuribg in your everyday life:

Ok!

1) When I’m going from point A to B there’s often a craving inside “Let’s go get some burger or bakery”.

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It feels almost horny, like a lust. I even can say that my “calling” to fuck or masturbate is something similar with craving for the food. (Aha! Interesting insight already)

2) While I’m sitting at home procrastinating my Life Purpose or job (y’all know how we do it, baby).

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It’s like instant feeling of buzzing in my head, my jaws are getting tense, and I’m often immediately searching like a Gollum for “my precious”. After I’ve found something I’ll eat it in two bites no matter of size. If it’s all I’ve found - that’s it. If not - the party isn’t over until we done! Usually it’s not a lot of snacks, so I’m yet alive.

Shit, even while I’m remembering all that I feel that “buzzing” in my head, especially ears and jaws. It’s remind me authentic sex or LSD trip, when your enjoyment of yourself and everything is on top. You know, that feeling which sounds like “Yeah! I’m gonna fuck the whole world and even myself, because I’m so in love with everything!”. You’ll better hide your mom and cat if I’m like that. 

Sorry, I’ve become playful for some reason (because it’s funny) while writing all that. At the start it were more serious.

3) When my fucking girlfriend (hello shadow) offer me some delicious shitty food which I’m not able to deny.

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Yeah, it’s  exactly that - I hate my girlfriend for her addiction to food because Imma Projecting it from myself. And also not getting full responsibility for my decisions. But it’s reaaly feels sometimes that she fucking with my mind. I’m like “shit, that’s went too far. We gonna stop. You do what you want, but stop offering it to me”. Than what? She’s forgetibf about it and than serve our table with a lot of bakery and sugar. Damn, it’s my favorite. 

But if being honest, it’s hard to say “No” to her. Because of she getting angry/sad/frustrated or just tired after work and there is no energy to cook anything (she’s cooking for us always, it’s she’s own free will). I’m not a fan of dinners. 

So, food is served and than we turn on some tv show or movie, her another desire (even a little bit of addiction) which I’m also can’t deny because she’ll get frustrated by the lack of entertainment in life. Yeah, it’s complicated, but there’s a lot of Love and Support between us, and, for the most part, we are helping to grow each other a lot.

4) While I’m going after training and went too some fast food on the way to the metro station. Pure unconsciousness.

5) While we are visiting her (gf) parents, who are stage Blue/Orange and love to eat a lot (it’s so delicious).

6) When we visiting her (gf) sister and her husband, who are also Blue\Orange.

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Fuck! Now I’m frustrated because of toxicity im my relationship, which are very beneficial for me, my survival and actualization. I’m really grew a lot, but it has it's own side effects. My GF supported me (emotionality) in my intention to participate at Vipassana and 5-meo-dmt retreats + traveled with me at psychedelic conference and supporting me in all of my progressive authentic intentions. She quit smoking, started reading self-dev books, went psychotherapist, doing LP course, helped me with my appearance, and motivate to become more and more Men, rather a boy. And with all that she’s pretty hot chick. But fuck it’s frustrating to face all that nonsense which is normal for 99% of population.

7) With freinds at cafe/restuarant

Step 3: Ask yourself: (1) "How is that addiction a part of my personality?", (2) "For which function it serve?", (3) "What exactly I'm avoiding with the help of that addiction? 

1. Starting from my childhood I've always ate some shit. Hiding it from my mom, because she has banned junk food. Most of the money that I had I've spent on food and entertainment. My whole childhood and youth was me concentrating on getting enjoyment and avoiding discomfort and my whole environment served to it easily - nobody care about me much, friends are also were intresting only in entertainment. It's a good way to hide from all anxiety and obligations, which I were never able to succeed. Limiting belief that failure is bad, which I'm kinda overgrowed right now.

I guess, that craving for low-consciousness enjoyment is a part of my persona as a low self-esteem loser, with no purpose and understanding of his own value, who aren't believe that he can reach a good, wealthy, fullfilling life because of lack of support and love from surroundings and oneself.

Fuck, now I'm sad and full of self-compassion. Poor little me...

2. Therefore, there's only a cheap and dumb ways to enjoy life - food, jerking off, games, sex, movies and tv shows etc. Why working hard for the bigger enjoyment, which I haven't experienced, when there's so familiar roads to "get high" and forget about my neurosis and unfullfilment? Maybe it's the same as after jurking off?

It's not my only perspective and I know and even had a direct experience of fullfilment by the genuine and authentic activity. But that type of "poor boy with lack of self-confidence", apparently, still have a deep roots in my persona.

3. I'm avoidng hard work and boredom, pain and discomfort. For about a ten years I built neural roads, highways through short-term enjoyment and avoiding discomfort, difficulties, fear, anxiety, facing my lack of love and support, depression and pain, which I had no one to share.

I'm not feeling anything about it at that point. It's just as it is. I'm not feeling myself as a victim right now and my things are going pretty good, normal. I know what I want and moving forward to it. 

Step 4: Why do I need that addiction?

At that moment, I guess, to help myself escape a boredroom and lack of happiness. I feel myself unhappy often, bacause of lack of money, or procrastinating Life Purpose, or lack of freedom and independence. I'm often overwhelmed by quantity of chores and obligations, which I resistant to do - earning money, doing hard work, dealing with relationships etc.

Therefore there is a belief, which sounds like: Stimulating food can bring me happiness and help me to avoid overwhelning, frustration and depression.

Step 5: How my life will look like without food addiction?

I will feel myself lighter, more energized and efficient, my mind will be sharper and cleaner, I will wake up easy, my skin will be clean and healthy, my guts will be healthy and functioning well, my ADHD side effets will not bother me, I'll be able to work hard on my Life Purpose, expirience higher-states of consciousness while meditating, will do self-inquiery and journaling, planning and concentrating, my monkey mind will be lesser, therefore I'll be able to sleep sweeter and better, I'll be to feel deeper the benifits of supplements and nootropics, I'll enjoyng life more, will know how to deal with boredom and negative emotions properly, in a healthy way. I will feel the inner peace and enjoyment more often, because will understand better how it work and my body will be clean from the toxines, which are influencing my mind and body, emotional state.

Step 6: Am I able to let it go?

Not yet...

Edited February 21, 2019 by Ar_Senses

[okulele]

 

[Leo Gura]

@Ar_Senses Great self-reflection here.

Yeah, food is tricky because grabage food is EVERYWHERE and healthy food nowhere.

You must basically cook all your own food if you want to eat clean.

Diet is super important. It's really the foundation. You will not get far with self-actualization without proper diet.

[JustinS]

Go sign up for a vipassana retreat where you'll be in a container with no access to junk food while doing consciousness work. 

[Ar_Senses]

@JustinS I was at vipassana last year. It was cool, there I had zero complainants about food. It was out of my environment and interest, therefore I was able to keep myself clean. But 10 day retreat not always can free oneself from addiction, if it not psychedelics retreat or solo and etc. 

[Nahm]

@Ar_Senses

A simple delicious loophole for diet; Raw Protein with Greens Chocolate Powder  (Amazon). It’s vegan & organic, and has everything the body needs in it and nothing it doesn’t.    Put a scoop in a blender with a cup of ice, a banana or two, and 2 cups of chocolate almond milk. (Sweeten with 2 tablespoons of peanut butter, if needed) This shake is so good, and you will feel so good, you will not want the food you’ve been eating any longer. It is a bridge to the foods you currently ‘meh’ to. 

 

If I think against myself (negative self inner talk) it does not feel good, because I am the Truth. The Truth will only be the truth, so the thoughts have to change. Because I don’t feel good, as I otherwise naturally would, I seek to rectify this ‘feeling good’ with food, addictions, and negative thoughts of ‘others’.     Awareness of this is enough. 

As I am aware of this, I discover I am like a cork which was being held down with the negative self talk . Without it, the cork floats on it’s own accord, because I am happiness. 

The veil is paper thin. Thought - thin.