Story Of My Struggles

[appleaurorae]

This is not a question to help me resolve a problem. It's just a story .

TL;DR summary:

I had low self-esteem for many many years, hated myself, I was too beta to approach girls, but after some personal development lately and actually becoming able to pick up, I completely changed my perspective and now I think that my girlfriend or even wife would need to match me, would need to also grow and develop herself and walk with me the path towards ascension. Still never had a girlfriend + asexual virgin (never want to lose it, yet I am still able to give sexual pleasure to my future partner if she needs to, using hands and toys and doing sensual stuff, not passing the sensuality-sexuality border myself).

Super-long story of my life

I am focusing on negativity here.

So I was born. I was born with emotional oversensitivity. First kindergarten: when my parents left me there, every day I was crying. Then came elementary school. It was this time. First grade was similar to kindergarten, except I wasn't crying when left by parents. It was the first time I made a friend (a classmate, but he was too immature for friendship tbh). He started school several days later, was very scared at first and I was the first person to just approach him and start talking. My group (class) liked me at first, but we had this war (meh, children) with another group (class) and I probably was the most hated by them. I wanted to be cool, to fit in more.

In the second grade began something awful. Lowered self-esteem became reality. The first time I was talking about suicide (8 years old!). When something was wrong, it didn't just result in crying: instead I was hitting my forehead. I wanted to destroy my skull and die. It happened multiple times. It often started when I wanted to be cool. Third grade was similar to the second. Also I am gaining weight.

Fourth grade. Now things change a little because now we have separate subjects (instead of integrated classes). Still problems are existing, even worse. We have physical education with that other class. There was my largest enemy there. My psyche worsens. They laugh at me that I'm fat. After some time, things are starting to brighten, I have better contact with my class. But bullies from elder classes show up. Even younger guys harass me.

Fifth grade, things starting to loosen. The war is over. We have grown. Still that one dude is my enemy. But well, I made some contact with the other third class. This is the time when boys and girls think about these mysterious relationships and all these butterflies in stomach and kissing. I'm of course a human-ruin so that's not what I do think about. Well, now whenever a girl asks me something and giggles, I am becoming angry and think that they want to make fun of me.

Sixth grade. Begins similar to the fifth. But here that one girl gets my number and we start texting (or maybe it was in fifth?). And during vacation she writes if I love her, I say "yes" (even though I wasn't sure). She replied that she just wanted friendship. But during school I had some cool friends (even girls) who just liked me.

Secondary school. First impression: disaster. A fat, yet strong and self-confident guy in my class is bullying me through all years, yet sometimes we talk normally. But it was getting better gradually. Still I wanted to fit in and be cool. And in the first and second grade of secondary I cut myself when something bad happened but I wanted teachers to see this, it was kind of protest. I fell in crazy love with friend of my cousin. Of course she didn't know about it. I remained in that state for like 5 years (if not longer if it was already in elementary school). She even was in my home (with my cousin) several times and during these 5 years, I might have talked with her 30 full sentences. I was just so embarrassed to speak. Well, here things are more complicated. I was always imagining me with her being some perfect unity towards ascension. I haven't ever felt sexually. This is the point I started to realize there's something different. I was opposite of demisexual (so I had no sexual attraction towards loved ones). Just clean romantic relationship and growing together. I read a lot of PUA guides but never have balls to use them. I also text with other friend of my cousin, but this time I don't expect anything.

High school, the time me and my two best friends think about business. Others are partying, we are writing down business plans. I am still crazy about that girl. The first grade of high school was kind of hard, because I called one girl a slut because of the way she dressed. This resulted in me sending photos how I want to hang myself and going to psychologist. Then in the second grade of high school I started being much more spiritual, but it was a secret. I only told it to my one girl friend (not girlfriend) whom I trusted completely.

University. Away from home alone. My girl friend leaves me because of emotional problems (or I did something wrong maybe?). But I make new friends. And a new girl friend. I fell in love several times with her (unrequited). Third semester. She already dropped out but I have great contact with her. But subjects are hard. Christmas: my family attacks me how ungrateful I am. I rent a room but my landlady is crazy. Also a lot of spiders and I have arachnophobia. I am getting depressed. I count on my girl friend. She found her second boyfriend (over facebook LOL) and writes how awesome he is instead of anyhow helping me. I reached the lowest point in my life. I started taking drugs to function normally (not antidepressants but psychoactive OTC cough medicine). I cut myself like never before. It was about year and two months ago. I came back home. Then again I reached some top. I sent that friend love letters. She refused in stupid way. I just went furious and we quarrelled. But I felt better and better without her. When in September we reconciled.

I started from the beginning on other university. Still that girl friend is my friend. My best friend actually. She is my teacher. There is metaphysics between us. I felt like I am finally well. However, about four months ago I was again complaining. The only thing I felt lacked was pure romantic love. My friend just told me to meditate. And another friend told me to find internal love towards myself. Everything changed. I describe everything since then on my blog https://inneraurora.wordpress.com/?order=ASC. I became self-confident, tried picking up girls with amazing result surprisingly quickly. On the second semester a girl I knew from high school joined. I always thought she's kind of cute, but was never confident enough to talk to her. Until now. I asked her out. Turned out she's thousand times more shy than I was then. But her life was too simple and individualistic for me. Even though the looks and personality were cool.

And here goes the point: now I don't think about having any girl. My girlfriend must match me completely. She must think about personal development, spirituality and ascension. To this day I have never had a girlfriend. I am still virgin (even though I'm asexual). I still want romantic relationship. However, it's worth waiting for the perfect one. For the one I can become unity with, for the one I can ascend with. Even if she turns out to be sexual who needs it, I am able to fulfil her desire without losing virginity. Yet, I'm constantly breaking the rule because I want to romantically attract (using Law of Attraction) the hottest girl on my year. I have quite good contact with her. She turned out not to be anyhow related to metaphysics, yet I still dig inside her mind and soul . And I don't believe in such thing as friendzone.

Also @Leo Gura, it really irritates me when I read (http://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-get-a-girlfriend)

Quote

One is to attract her, and that’s from the phase where you just meet her, to the point when you have sex with her.

After you have sex with her onwards, that’s when the relationship starts

Seriously?

Edited April 16, 2016 by appleaurorae

[Zane]

@appleaurorae Thank you for telling your story! I can resonate with your story because I to struggled with talking to girls. I'm very interested in learning other people's stories about self-actualization and their struggles. I strongly agree with you about digging into a girl's mind and soul. When I was younger one of my biggest struggles was understanding people deeply but the strategy I applied was where i was selectively social with people and I would spend time with them to understand them more deeply. I think like an anthropologist by observation and questions. I feel deeply passionate for some of the people I socialize with and completely uninterested by some people. 

Edited April 16, 2016 by Zane

[nbolt]

5 hours ago, appleaurorae said:

Also @Leo Gura, it really irritates me when I read (http://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-get-a-girlfriend)

Seriously?

I think his point is that if you aren't even at the point where you can be intimate with each other, you don't have a real relationship yet. This isn't a black and white issue, though, as human relationships are obviously very complex.

[Lynnel]

5 hours ago, appleaurorae said:

Also @Leo Gura, it really irritates me when I read (http://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-get-a-girlfriend)

Seriously?

It's not such a harsh truth to accept.

There is way worse such as like half of married women having children with someone else without the father knowing, the huge cheating rate, the lies, etc.

I'm not sure how accurate those things are but they could be true and they are way worse than simply the fact that you need to have sex with a girl to actually have a relationship.

[appleaurorae]

5 hours ago, Lynnel said:

I'm not sure how accurate those things are but they could be true and they are way worse than simply the fact that you need to have sex with a girl to actually have a relationship.

Two people having sex with doesn't make them a couple nor does being a couple mean that people must have sex. It's like telling that asexual romantics are handicapped in some way and are unable to create a relationship.

@Neill thank you, that kind of makes sense, Leo just made a video for a simple-minded low-level people .

Edited April 17, 2016 by appleaurorae

[Armand]

@appleaurorae

39 minutes ago, appleaurorae said:

Two people having sex with doesn't make them a couple nor does being a couple mean that people must have sex. It's like telling that asexual romantics are handicapped in some way and are unable to create a relationship.

 

I'm positive he did that for people who deeply struggle with being introverted. I've had girls mistake being in a relationship bc of having sex. It's a terrible feeling to harshly tell them "No we are and never will be a couple". It's better for them to be harsh though. I can't understand how any other man can repress his natural desire to be with a girl.  

[appleaurorae]

1 hour ago, Holdup said:

@appleaurorae

I'm positive he did that for people who deeply struggle with being introverted. I've had girls mistake being in a relationship bc of having sex. It's a terrible feeling to harshly tell them "No we are and never will be a couple". It's better for them to be harsh though. I can't understand how any other man can repress his natural desire to be with a girl.  

(I think you quoted not what you wanted). I do understand, there are males who want to have a girlfriend and to get laid also. But still, what he said sounded like that sex is the most fundamental part of relationship (which in reality is not, it's just an addition). I feel that society is blinded with all that "friendzone", which is complete horsesh*t, I asked a lot of girls if friendship is a base for a true relationship and huge majority replied that this statement is true (taking into account that most of my female friends and acquaintances represent something more than a grey person). We are on the forum which is a proof that there's something more inside a human being than just copulation, so this also applies to relationships, especially for a person watching Leo's videos = especially for a person wanting to self-develop.

1 hour ago, Holdup said:

I can't understand how any other man can repress his natural desire to be with a girl.

Well, I do it. I mean I don't and I do. My life is too complicated .

[Lynnel]

5 hours ago, appleaurorae said:

nor does being a couple mean that people must have sex. It's like telling that asexual romantics are handicapped in some way and are unable to create a relationship.

Yes they are, and unable to create one unless with someone who is also asexual.

Unless both parties are extremely religious and want to hold off sex till some later date and meanwhile still commit it should be doable altough experiences tells us that the girl will usually cheat on the side x)

Either way a relationship in the common sense, like we're dating/ being together/ is IMPOSSIBLE without having sex. If you want proof, try to engage in a sexless official relationship without her cheating and being heavily religious.

[appleaurorae]

56 minutes ago, Lynnel said:

Either way a relationship in the common sense, like we're dating/ being together/ is IMPOSSIBLE without having sex. If you want proof, try to engage in a sexless official relationship without her cheating and being heavily religious.

Or you have third option: either asexual will do it for the sexual or sexual will be ok not doing it. One side must compromise. That's where this mysterious love starts. You accept flaws of the second person, you can handle the problems. Like, your dream girl is a slim blonde with large breasts who is doing sports all day, but somehow you are extremely in love with that nerdy looking bookworm.

Think about people who don't have a partner and are sexual. Little of them engage in intercourse. For the most of them masturbation is enough.

Quote

If you want proof, try to engage in a sexless official relationship without her cheating and being heavily religious.

I strongly agree that if you take statistics this statement will receive 95% truth. But statistics are in majority made of lemmings. Most of humanity are lemmings (animal comparison is here strongly intended). And I personally even as sexual would want to avoid having a lemming partner . Still even some of such simple-minded single girls don't get laid every other night or even week or even month.

17 hours ago, appleaurorae said:

My girlfriend must match me completely. She must think about personal development, spirituality and ascension. [...] For the one I can become unity with, for the one I can ascend with.

 

Edited April 17, 2016 by appleaurorae

[Armand]

@appleaurorae Sex is not the most fundamental part of a real relationship. But it is for relations with women. I quoted what I felt like speaking about earlier. I think Leo is trying to inspire or appeal to the majority of guys (sort of like myself but with the exception that they are scared to approach women), but to those who are searching to find someone. I disagree with his thinking that bars are a very good option. It's dark in clubs and bars. Girls there usually have diseases, or are sluts willing to f*** anyone. Girls needing a baby daddy or sugar daddy for the most part. They are always pretty at first, but naked are not what you'd expect. Online dating sites or apps like Meetme Pof, and Okcupid have worked for me and my friends over going to a bar. I can actually have a conversation and get great sex from girls who's bodies aren't unattractive opposed to the bar girls I've met. (They aren't fitting my ideal of perfect yet, but it's getting better). So the idea of bar/club/rave girls staying, or you wanting to be with them is an insane consept to me. He was probably trying to say that it's hard for a guy to stay in a relationship longer with a woman if he hasn't seen her naked first. Again trying to relate to most men on the internet watching these videos for help. 

I think girls are confused by that question. A relationship with a friend, and a relationship with desires are completely different. You are way more complex about this, and there are polyamours/homosexual/asexual (if that's a thing I'm still unsure about this category), as well as many other individuals that would also find this particular video unrelatable. It's very interesting to me that you don't allow yourself to "follow the crowd". There is a lot of pressure on us to copulate early or you're not considered a man, but a p***y. It is ABSOLUTELY an addiction. A sweet sweet addiction that I myself have joined this forum to help minimize.  

[Lynnel]

22 hours ago, appleaurorae said:

Think about people who don't have a partner and are sexual. Little of them engage in intercourse. For the most of them masturbation is enough.

It's not, they simply cope with it because they have no other options !

 

22 hours ago, appleaurorae said:

I strongly agree that if you take statistics this statement will receive 95% truth. But statistics are in majority made of lemmings. Most of humanity are lemmings (animal comparison is here strongly intended). And I personally even as sexual would want to avoid having a lemming partner . Still even some of such simple-minded single girls don't get laid every other night or even week or even month.

 

You didn't get my point here : I asked you to go and experience that first hand yourself. You can use pretty much any argument and elaborate complex theories but once faced with reality there are no other options : it works or it doesn't.

For instance, everything I'm saying on this forum comes from my real experience of  going out and talking and sleeping with girls, practicing social skills, reading a lot, doing experiments, etc, what's called first hand experience.

So when I said if you want proof, I actually asked you  yourself to go out and pick-up a non religious girl and trying to get a official relationship without having sex with her ! Once you do that I'll be like okay I was wrong, but I can't agree with something that doesn't seem quite right in my experience  
PS : I usually don't trust statistics

[charlie2dogs]

On 4/17/2016 at 2:14 AM, appleaurorae said:

Two people having sex with doesn't make them a couple nor does being a couple mean that people must have sex. It's like telling that asexual romantics are handicapped in some way and are unable to create a relationship.

@Neill thank you, that kind of makes sense, Leo just made a video for a simple-minded low-level people .

You said: Leo just made a video for a simple-minded low-level people

I am a bit curious as to your personal view of where you think you are or what your beliefs are in relation to self realization?

[appleaurorae]

1 hour ago, charlie2dogs said:

You said: Leo just made a video for a simple-minded low-level people

I am a bit curious as to your personal view of where you think you are or what your beliefs are in relation to self realization?

I meant: an obese beta guy living in a cellar and eating cheetos wanting to get laid will understand what's going on in this video.

3 hours ago, Lynnel said:

For instance, everything I'm saying on this forum comes from my real experience of  going out and talking and sleeping with girls, practicing social skills, reading a lot, doing experiments, etc, what's called first hand experience.

And my knowledge comes from close friends of mine. However, what you are trying now to message is that sex is foundation of relationships. They wanted to sleep with you because you wanted to sleep with them - simple.
But let's assume that your theory is 100% true. I approach a girl, want to be with her and suddenly she asks me for sex. Ok, I reply no. She insists. I still refuse. She leaves me because I'm asexual. Having billion other reasons for staying, she left just because of that one. What would this mean? That first of all she was never worth approaching and secondly, she's not even a human (because she has absolutely no feelings). The same way she could have left me if I hadn't had an arm.

I can also add that from my pick-up experience, every girl I talked with was completely unworthy of my time, they were just level 1~2. So that's kind of logical if you take statistics. You can't be in a relationship with every girl, so do I. All girls doesn't match you. But there exists at least one girl that does.

Edited April 18, 2016 by appleaurorae