LEO- Spirituality vs Relationships, Advice.

[Kalki Avatar]

Hello guys! I need your perspective on this, but i also need Leo's one since he was in a relationship while been on the path at the same time. I think many people have gone through this too. 

This is what happened. I was in a 1 year relationship with my gf while been on the path. I broke up with her a first time, because i had a lot pressure and did not knew how to handle it. I realized i needed space for meditation. She wanted to come back, we talked and got back together again, this happened the next day after breaking up. The breakup didnt have enough space for all the emotions to come out, it was an impulse, so i didnt learned anything yet, even thou it hurt. 

Now, i broke up with her again 3 weeks ago because i was proyecting all my self on her, thinking she was a big obstacle for the path. I did not think things clearly, on all the posibilities to make it work. She even told me we could go to a psychologist to talk about meditation for her to understand me. I did not listen to her and brutally broke with her a week before her birthday and our anniversary.

In my mind, my main distractions for the path where my job, college and her. But, now i can be in meditation while working and studying. I use to excuse my self on that. I managed those areas already. But then, i thought the problem was the relationship, because my mind played too many tricks on judgement, criticism and beliefs and ideas being proyected on her that i should be alone, etc.  As you know, this things went deep into my unconcious mind and it manifested on me breaking up with her. After a week on it, i meditated on the emotions that went out, so this is not why i want her back. I accept if she doesnt want to. I want her back because i still love her (not want her-attachment-possesion-need her), i learned how to differentiate true love between need-fulfillment, which is often confused as love. I have grown too much because of her! Being with the opposite sex made me more of a man because of the responsability it takes, i discovered that. Also, she has triggered my complete unconcious ego! I would not have any idea of how much work i still have to do, is insane! I have 5 years on the path and is because of her that im closer to reality!

Being single you can get into peaceful meditative states easily and think you are free of ego and culture conditioning, wait till you are with someone.

She is a very good girl, very feminine, pretty, high quality, loving, caring, positive, business driven and innocent, the only thing is that now she hates meditation because i broke up on her cuz of it. I know deep down that if she sees big changes on me because of meditation she can get into it, or maybe i can persuade her into trying it little by little, who knows. I dont want to be fairy tairy but we how we met is kinda a movie story, i dont know if synchronicity played a role on us. 

Right now i told her sorry for being so brute on breaking up before her birthday and our anniversary. I realized such decision was not necessary, because im not enlightened yet. You dont know if you will get enlightened, you can only try your best and it may happen. But the positive thing is that i would not have realized all the things i was doing inside the relationship too! Is positive and negative at the same time. 

I thought that if i breakup with her i would get enlightened quicker, but i wouldnt if i have not being with her om the first place. Now being single i cannot be triggered as i used to. The problem is that her conditioning has some expectations of what a relationship is, but im okay with most of it. 

My question is, would it work to be awakened, in the path and with her at the same time? She is not in the path, but she is unknowingly a concious reflective, open minded and good person. Thats why i chose her as a partner. 

My suggestion to her as coming back to the relationship is that now i will be fully involved. This means practicing total presence when being with her, devotion in order to practice unconditional love, and will have total inner acceptance toward my proyections on her. Lastly, we will try all possibilities for it to work, meaning high communication, which we both lacked. That includes going to a spiritual psychologist that i got to know a few days ago. All of this until the relationship fades away naturally, if it does. Who knows. Even the impossible could be possible. 

 

What would you do in this case and why? 

(awake vs asleep, relationship)

 

Edited February 20, 2019 by Kalki Avatar
Wrong word

[Leo Gura]

@Kalki Avatar Sounds like the typical relationship.

[kieranperez]

Although your self reflection is good. Yet, correct me if I’m wrong, the way you describe your relationship seems to all be very much based around you, your development, your enlightenment, etc. One of the things I’ve come across in my own off and on study of conscious relationships (intimate and platonic) is that it comes down to what you bring to the table. Higher conscious relationships come down to what you’re surrendering to the relationship. It’s like true genuine sages, heroes, etc. when you have the grail, it’s about giving yourself. It’s not about you. You give yourself to the relationship. Not to the person per say, but to the relationship. 

I actually think your ex was in the right and made a very mature move in wanting to go to therapy, talk about meditation and hearing you out and maybe then she could more understanding and maybe even get into herself. That’s very mature on her end. It sounds to me that she was try to meet you halfway but you were to afraid to meet her halfway. 

Remember, how you act, behave, how you self serving and self surrendering you are influences your own practice when you’re on the cushion and vice versa. Which is to say, practice is always the case. 

I think you mean well and you have a good heart. I say this because you sound like me in the way you describe this. 

Also check this out. 

All the best man.

[dvdas]

I highly recommend 'the way of the superior man' for your case. I used to have similar mindset. 

[TheRigorMortisOffset]

Follow your heart.

Long-time lurker, don't really care to respond most of the time, but your experience is hitting home hard.

Personally, swore off women and had no intention of dating anyone. But met a woman and couldn't resist. Too much connection to resist. So, what happens? Break up with her because of own attachment issues, like all the other relationships. Buuut, a month later, get an irresistible urge to contact her and say how much "I miss" her. We get back together. She wants to try acid. OK, will try almost anything at least once. WTF?! Life is changed forever. We fight and cry the day after the trip, she leaves, but still, what remains is different. The same, but different. Was not on the path and would never have thought spirituality is legit. 30 years an atheist, gone. Led to other amazing things too. Anyway, long story short, if that's what you want, go for it. Who the fuck knows what could happen.

[Kalki Avatar]

@Leo Gura Ok. But how did you managed your last relationship? Can a relationship of someone awakening more and more work with someone not on the path? 

[Leo Gura]

@Kalki Avatar Notice how in your relationships, you never actually relate to the actual person. You're always just relating to your own needs, the way that person fits into your life. The relationship is always about you relating not who she is, but to your fantasies of what you want and need her to be. But the actual her never lives up to your fantasies so you try to change her over and over again, which still doesn't work, until eventually you give up and leave.

YOU ARE ALWAYS RELATING TO YOUR OWN EGO! Not to what is actual. You don't give a rats ass about what is actual. You want to live in a fantasy. But you want it to feel like its real. So you just call your fantasy reality.

EVERYTHING YOU DO IS YOU MAINTAINING YOUR OWN FANTASY. Every thought you have and every emotion you feel is part of this effort. Notice this. Then maybe you can learn how to relate to things actually.

[Forestluv]

Sounds like some control issues to me. 

[now is forever]

7 hours ago, Kalki Avatar said:

dont want to be fairy tairy but we how we met is kinda a movie story, i dont know if synchronicity played a role on us. 

i don’t know if you understand synchronicity, as in synchronicity things fall together instead of apart.

what i also noticed is how you perceive the path as if she wasn’t walking one. i wonder if walking the path means not seeing what’s happening along the way? only focusing on the track ahead without even knowing where it might lead to? how do you know you are on the right one and she is on the wrong one? 

 

[Kalki Avatar]

Thank you all for your advice, I actually ended 2 months ago and feel freer than ever! @Leo Gura @now is forever @Serotoninluv @kieranperez @dvdas @TheRigorMortisOffset

[whoareyou]

3 hours ago, Kalki Avatar said:

Thank you all for your advice, I actually ended 2 months ago and feel freer than ever! @Leo Gura @now is forever @Serotoninluv @kieranperez @dvdas @TheRigorMortisOffset

Could you provide more details ? Your story sounds very interesting

[Kalki Avatar]

@whoareyou Specifically about? 

[oMarcos]

6 hours ago, Kalki Avatar said:

@whoareyou Specifically about? 

@Kalki Avatar I am also curious, it seems that you gave a 2nd try to the relationship, what went wrong? If you want to share I would be glad to read.

And right now, how do you feel about having another relationship, are you commiting yourself to being single for a while?

Edited September 27, 2019 by oMarcos

[oMarcos]

On 21/02/2019 at 2:56 AM, Leo Gura said:

@Kalki Avatar Notice how in your relationships, you never actually relate to the actual person. You're always just relating to your own needs, the way that person fits into your life. The relationship is always about you relating not who she is, but to your fantasies of what you want and need her to be. But the actual her never lives up to your fantasies so you try to change her over and over again, which still doesn't work, until eventually you give up and leave.

YOU ARE ALWAYS RELATING TO YOUR OWN EGO! Not to what is actual. You don't give a rats ass about what is actual. You want to live in a fantasy. But you want it to feel like its real. So you just call your fantasy reality.

EVERYTHING YOU DO IS YOU MAINTAINING YOUR OWN FANTASY. Every thought you have and every emotion you feel is part of this effort. Notice this. Then maybe you can learn how to relate to things actually.

@Leo Gura based on what you've written along time ago, do you actually believe in a genuine relationship from the perspective of your current worldview? By genuine I mean,  without survival/ ego dynamics into play, that would be hard... 

[fortifyacacia3]

@oMarcos  survival/ego dynamics are typically inseparable with everything. ego death can be experienced from being-cognition for example, as a glimpse relative to the survival you come right back to. These states have significance to us but they are not at odds with survival, moreso it finds synthesis. partnership is survival, the "worldview" or values here is compatible with a relationship that fosters the flowering of being alongside a healthy ego. Having a partner in ways would hinder a mystic pursuit, but can also benefit ones being. It's really a trade off but surely you could have mystical insights. Unless you spend the majority of your life meditating or other radical means of attainment it shouldn't be a huge hindrance. Accounting for another person to the degree relationships call for can support non dual aspects in all relationships. one

[Fede83]

On 21/2/2019 at 3:56 AM, Leo Gura said:

@Kalki Avatar Notice how in your relationships, you never actually relate to the actual person. You're always just relating to your own needs, the way that person fits into your life. The relationship is always about you relating not who she is, but to your fantasies of what you want and need her to be. But the actual her never lives up to your fantasies so you try to change her over and over again, which still doesn't work, until eventually you give up and leave.

YOU ARE ALWAYS RELATING TO YOUR OWN EGO! Not to what is actual. You don't give a rats ass about what is actual. You want to live in a fantasy. But you want it to feel like its real. So you just call your fantasy reality.

EVERYTHING YOU DO IS YOU MAINTAINING YOUR OWN FANTASY. Every thought you have and every emotion you feel is part of this effort. Notice this. Then maybe you can learn how to relate to things actually.

How do u live a fulfillment  relation without fantasies ur “ideal relationship”?

U makeup and find ur dream girl,living a dream moment is just an ego projecting neediness than?

Can someone still find a way to go over this ?

Edited November 27, 2019 by Fede83