I think I am going insane

[Shaun]

This follows on from another topic I started about a major depressive episode triggered by the what is god video. Leo called it an ego backlash and I think he's right. I resumed meditation after watching the video and now do two 20 minute sessions a day. The depressive component seems to have lifted and something strange has happened to my experience of reality that just doesn't sit right. I now feel intense presence and what can only be described as a higher state of consciousness. Today, as I was sitting eating my food after work, I felt as if either reality or myself was about to collapse into goodness knows what and this worried me as I don't want to upset my mum and have her try and get me so called help. My new state of homeostasis seems to be one of rather intense presence with a nagging background of existential anxiety with fear of going insane. It is as if I am now completely witnessing everything like someone trapped in a movie theatre for eternity who is still exerting some form of control over the events in the movie. I am still functioning normally in life otherwise.

[Gabriel Antonio]

I don’t think that’s a good sign. Maybe you’re now going through a maniac episode (or depersonalization). 

Be careful...

Edited February 19, 2019 by Gabriel Antonio

[Forestluv]

I've had many similar experiences. In particular the part about reality collapsing into who knows what. That sense of uncertainty invoked both curiosity and anxiety within me. At times I didn't know if it was sane spiritual progress or insane. I generally kept it to myself because most people would think it kinda cra-cra. Expansion of consciousness can be unstable at first and then it settles down and becomes grounded. Then, the next level of expansion. What you described sounds totally normal relative to my own path and what I've related to others along a spiritual path.

[Recursoinominado]

I didn't have any enlightenment experience BUT i do know how uncomfortable this fast change in consciousness can be, i question my sanity on a weekly basis, sometimes more, depending on how hardcore my sadhana is at the moment. I learned to pace myself, no need to sprint all the way in, don't make your path harder than it needs to be. GROUND YOURSELF. This is key, work on your root chakra will keep you grounded in "reality", you will be able to integrate your change in consciousness way easier this way. Recently i found that Hatha yoga is perfect for this, it is helping me a LOT with this excess energy, overactive third-eye, overthinking monkey mind that goes insane every time that it is challenged, we all know that your ego won't survive the journey so fear is absolutely normal. I suggest that you get in contact with nature, feet on the earth, go to the beach if possible, interact with people you like, do some exercises (again, hatha yoga is great, tons of free videos on Youtube), eat some heavier foods if you feel like it may help (helps me), stay away from psychedelics for a while, practice concentration meditation (leo have a video about it, it is great to grounding), go easy on  self-inquiry or contemplation in general until you feel ready, it shouldn't take long, it takes a few days for me if i follow this guideline 

The best tip i can give you is RESPECT YOUR BODY, it is HIS spiritual journey, you are like his spiritual guide, "you" are already enlightened but it is your body the one who have insights and struggle to integrate them. Let the body integrate all it wants, offer it unconditional love all the way. See this video with full attention, Matt helped me a LOT in the worst of times, love is really the only answer: 

 

Edited February 19, 2019 by Recursoinominado

[RichardY]

All Aboard!!!! - Crazy Train.

Find someone other than your mother to set your psychological well being by?

[Nahm]

@Shaun Who would you be without your beliefs about God, and without any limited thinking about yourself? 

That’s you already. Right now. 

 

(Minus the blasphemy & sin.)

So nothing to worry about. 

You’re already fine. 

[TheAvatarState]

@Shaun You're fine, it'll settle down. 

1 hour ago, Shaun said:

as if I am now completely witnessing everything like someone trapped in a movie theatre for eternity

Yes, that is God. We're all avid moviegoers here  Your negative reactions are completely normal and temporary, it'll pass

[Inliytened1]

When i had my enlightenment experience it was almost as if I had despersonalization disorder - but that it wasn't actually a disorder it was BEING!.

So maybe you got a glimpse and the glimpse is still there, and may be there for a few more weeks until you return to normal.

When you become your true self - Being - you are no longer your small self so it will feel very depersonalized, but that's in a good way.

Your ego will try to creep in there and give you anxiety because that is the way it keeps hold of you and prevents you from enlightenment.

So yes it will pass.  

[ajasatya]

2 hours ago, Shaun said:

I am now completely witnessing everything like someone trapped in a movie theatre for eternity who is still exerting some form of control over the events in the movie.

there's nothing but the theater.

and you're not trapped... that's just a story within the mind.

the theater is the beauty of existence itself.

[Shaun]

I watched the video suggested and that, along with another meditation session helped hugely. So much so that I found the motivation to sort out some stuff to do with my hobbies. It seems like it was just a massive ego backlash which has lasted a week. I will see how it goes, maybe I have bipolar disorder to some extent too but I have come out of this episode more mindful with less self hatred so thanks to all for your support.

[Shin]

[Aaron p]

4 hours ago, Shaun said:

This follows on from another topic I started about a major depressive episode triggered by the what is god video. Leo called it an ego backlash and I think he's right. I resumed meditation after watching the video and now do two 20 minute sessions a day. The depressive component seems to have lifted and something strange has happened to my experience of reality that just doesn't sit right. I now feel intense presence and what can only be described as a higher state of consciousness. Today, as I was sitting eating my food after work, I felt as if either reality or myself was about to collapse into goodness knows what and this worried me as I don't want to upset my mum and have her try and get me so called help. My new state of homeostasis seems to be one of rather intense presence with a nagging background of existential anxiety with fear of going insane. It is as if I am now completely witnessing everything like someone trapped in a movie theatre for eternity who is still exerting some form of control over the events in the movie. I am still functioning normally in life otherwise.

@Shaun I've had moments recently where I've felt completely and absolutely trapped in a fucking living nightmare mate...feeling like I was schizophrenic psychopath...in tears in front of my dad. Part of it is not knowing whether it's from the meditation (ego backlash), just my head (since my mental health past isint great, neither is my mum's) or a mixture of both.

 

I think my most helpful insights regarding emotions and mental health is, I know we are taught to embrace suffering when it comes...but do not mistake this to mean "welcome suffering". You don't want to be actually creating energy that will cause the suffering to come back. We should embrace all of reality as is *naturally* is...including your nature to want to be happy. There is a difference between experiencing actual authentic transformation and denial of reality. This is a trap within Christianity, the Bible says the fruit of the Spirit is; love, joy, peace, patience, goodness faithfulness, kindness, gentleness and self control. But because Christian's don't know how to actually contact the spirit of God authentically, they need to force themselves to *act* as *though* they have love, joy, peace, patience, goodness...etc. true acceptance is not manipulating reality at all. This includes not minipulating yourself when you notice yourself about to manipulate reality. Allowing, *especially* these subtle meta realities. Go to the doctor is you feel like it. If you feel like you want to blast music and smoke pot to feel better, then embrace it. If you then think "oh I can't do that, it'll make me dependant on grass to feel better" ...accept this thought to. And accept the fact that you want to accept these thoughts also. In one sense god is not within reality,

 

...so this is a also a subtle lesson about the impossibility of the task of "reaching" god. Subtle. How can you reach for something, that isint something? Hahaha

Edited February 19, 2019 by Aaron p

[cetus]

1 hour ago, Shaun said:

I found the motivation to sort out some stuff to do with my hobbies

@Shaun  Ever do any IR photography? Ocean/sky shots look especially amazing. Surreal and otherly.