Radical self-acceptance & Dealing with "trauma"

[Yannik]

Hello there, I hope this is the right forum to ask this since I do not consider this a "Serious emotional problem".

I am 22 years old and I have been struggling with fear of rejection, fear of being disapproved and thus, fear of public speaking, confrontations & approaching women for a while and I made steady progress on improving it. Still, I am a very happy person but this is an issue I wanted to address even further to be able to live a richer life.

Now, I've had an NLP/systemic coaching in that area today and we found out that this also stems from the death of the only grandparent I had, my grandfather, who died when I was 4 years old and I've somehow suppressed it until now. I have never been conscious that this plays a role. There are some other things such as bad experiences with presentations and my tendency to wanting to make my parents feel better about their lives through always performing on the highest level in everything I do so they can be proud. I noticed that this is not the best approach to live life, especially when you want to live a happy one.

Now, I am thinking about what I can do to 

1) Deal with the traumatic event(s) in the best possible way to grow from them

2) Really accept myself on the deepest level. Until this point, I've thought I already do but it seems like I only conditionally accept myself.

3) Transform myself and finally fully let go of the past

 

Some suggestions my coach had were

- Connecting more with all my grandparents through creating a family tree and asking my parents more things about them

- Practice pubic speaking through improvisation theater

 

But I feel there's more I can do with regards to resolving the "trauma" and allowing myself to accept myself 100%. Any powerful practices or books you can recommend on that whole topic?

Thank you all!

 

PS: If you need further information about my situation, please just ask :-)

 

Edited February 19, 2019 by Yannik
Had to add something important!

[BjarkeT]

 

Radical self-acceptance sounds like an awesome idea.

[ajasatya]

@Yannik practice: zazen

book: the power of now

[Yannik]

@ajasatya Thanks! Right now, I am into "Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child"

[UDT]

@Yannik Mediations by Marcus Aurelius Book 1-5 or more

[Toby]

How long has your "life coach" been working with people?

[Gabriel Antonio]

Dealing with trauma is tricky. 

A compassionate presence is really important so that you can allow yourself to feel the pain. 

Psychotherapy can definitely help. 

[Mezanti]

@Yannik hey man, first thing is first you know you actually know what the problem is and that's like 80 percent of the work, its so interesting how you could trace your fear of disapproval back to a certain event that happened 18 years ago that affects your behaviour, this should tell you that there is something larger at play than you when it comes to your behaviour, something "hidden" that has control over the way you feel and then act .

this right here is your subconscious, what you ultimately should aim for is to successfully recraft/reprogram your subconscious mind, this is done by fully facing your fear, and doing so on a somewhat daily basis, you should slowly start to grow and recraft how your mind is crafted.

some exercises that are good for this:

1. (1) affirmations and then (2) contemplate your affirmation and how it would look like, do this for 5 mins each. an example of this could be:repeating to your self: i am independent of the good and bad opinions of others, and then contemplateso what does it mean to be independent of the good and bad opinions of others? to me that means being free from their disapproval or their approval, it means that i act according to my standards. ]
2. Meditation, this should help with the detachment from your thoughts
3. this isn't an exercise, but go out there and get rejected, get disapproved of, and learn to not take it seriously. try a tough sport, where there are a bunch of disagreeable people participating in them. 

[Yannik]

@UDT Thanks! Will do.

@Toby For ages! He's doing it for over 30 years and he's one of the best and most-known in Germany.

@Gabriel Antonio Thank you too!

@Mezanti Awesome! Thanks for your advice. Will definitely contemplate more. Affirmations of that type are part of my daily routine.

[Toby]

3 minutes ago, Yannik said:

For ages! He's doing it for over 30 years and he's one of the best and most-known in Germany.

Who is it?

[Mezanti]

@Yannik brother, i wish you the best, keep me updated on how its going.

[tashawoodfall]

Writing about my trauma (chapter by chapter) from three perspectives mine, the other persons and a 3rd person point of view, helped to begin the healing process.  I recommend watching some of Matt Kahn’s videos about healing afterwards which for me has personally resulted in huge emotional break throughs and true healing and transformation.

[Yannik]

@Toby Tom Andreas

@tashawoodfall Thank you for the suggestion! 

 This looks like a great one.

[Toby]

42 minutes ago, Yannik said:

@Toby Tom Andreas

Never heard of him. Googled him. Not surprised he has no degree as a doctor or psychologist / psychotherapist  as what you wrote initially just sounded like the typical bs you find with NLP/systemic "coaching". Although - as I don't know him I cannot say anything about him.
If you are really dealing with "trauma", I'd suggest someone who does
SE: https://www.somatic-experiencing.de/traumatherapeuten-finden/?_loc_l=&_loc_lat=&_loc_lon=&map or
NARM: https://www.drlaurenceheller.com/practitioners_Gr.html
Assuming you are from Cologne, for Spiritual support I would visit for example http://muni-satsang.de/pag/termine.htm or http://www.shantimayi.com/schedule but I guess there is a lot of other things too you could do.

[Yannik]

@Toby Thanks for all the info! I can say that he's very good in NLP but you're right. Haven't really looked at his psychology credentials. When you could recommend one of the four things you posted, which one would you go first?

[Toby]

For spirituality I would go to both 3 and 4. For "trauma" and capacity to relate ... I would first look at NARM as most of them have SE anyway. But it's more important that you resonate with the "practitioner" than what the approach is.

[ivory]

I suffered from really low self-esteem. The most powerful practices I discovered was loving kindness (metta) meditation combined with therapy, journaling, and meditation. The thing about healing is that it's really counter-intuitive. An experienced therapist has a lot of insight into the journey of healing and can aid you on your way. You might like Tara Brach's book Radical Acceptance.

[Yannik]

@Toby Thanks! 

@ivory Thank you for your suggestion. Really got to re-read that book and self-compassion as well.