Life manifesting problems

[kev014]

Not sure how to ask this question but I think you will understand the gist of what I'm suggesting. Lately as I've been trying to work it seems like all these little external blocks are getting in my way that really should not be/don't fully make sense. It feels partially like I am self sabotaging and making things more difficult for myself but more interestingly it feels as though 'life' or something external from me is blocking me and basically telling me to wait and to spend more time simply being. I guess my question is can life/god/spirit whatever you wanna call it literally create/manifest problems to get me to stop doing stuff? Could just be that these are regular technical issues that I have to work through, but my intuition is telling me that these are manifestations telling me to slow down and be with myself. This stuff has been happening a fair amount for the past few months and it feels most like the awakenings I've had are 'forcing' me to acknowledge the truth of reality and to integrate all the various things I've realized. As if Source won't let me progress with my life/business as I would like until I acknowledge it fully. Not sure how to reconcile this.

Any thoughts greatly appreciated! 

Edited February 13, 2019 by kev014
additional info

[Nahm]

@kev014 Specifics would help a lot. I can definitly relate. Reality is love & intelligence, and “works in mysterious ways”, no doubt.

[kev014]

The deeper question comes from a realization I had today. I previously believed there was me exerting my will/desire on to the physical universe creating and interacting with matter, but the line between me and other/the universe/external world is becoming blurred. This is something I've been feeling for a few months, like I was literally mourning the loss of my own life/existence as if I had just died and left the Earth, very emotional experiences. Was struggling to understand if all the grieving/depression was just repressed stuff from my youth or literally having 'awoken' to a certain degree beforehand and these emotions were the integration process. No way to describe it other than just feeling like something/various parts of me were dying and going away. And then this ego mind comes in and just creates all this confusion (both in a literal sense of being confused about a specific thing and just a constant, underlying energy of uncertainty, as if I'm not in control). Is there a way for me to proactively understand/realize and integrate this or should I be patient? Do I need to seek the Truth to find it or will it force itself upon me now that I've seen so much? Even as I type that I intuitively feel the answer is that I need to want to know the Truth and be willing to accept it. This is the first time I've really been able to see clearly what has been happening along my journey the past 3-4 years.

What I initially asked about manifesting is just a feeling of being blocked by life. Pretty much every step thus far of trying to start a YouTube channel there have been issues. Buy the tripod for my phone, gets shipped and is broken and returned. Buy another and my credit card doesn't work. Two weeks later have a tripod that works, record some videos and iPhone storage supposedly all full so I'm unable to record any more. Difficulty or confused more than I should be trying to upload the videos to my laptop. Then downloading the new iTunes software, password won't work and I'm just getting this intuition telling me to stop and come back to it later and that it will work, go and sit down and have a super meditative experience, come back and figure it out pretty easily. Also, physical muscular imbalances within my body and weird little postural kinks, like I can't stand comfortably or feel fully balanced.

I am learning to trust the language of my heart and gut/intuition and follow it even if it goes against 'how I think it should be.' Like progressively surrendering control of life and struggling with trying to exert control, having some success, then sabotaging myself which feels like both my individual self that I think I am sabotaging and life around me (all the stuff listed above) conspiring against me. Guess the resolution is realizing that life and I are one, and not focusing on the intellectualization of this idea but the deep knowing and experiencing of Being. The question becomes, how can I deepen this knowing and fully experience it without using 5meo or other psychedelics. Once again, first time grasping this but my apprehension with 5meo and general confusion, lack of direction and just feeling detached from my intelligence and unable to think intelligently like I normally do seems to be just the ego doing what it can to stay active.

I've been lost in my mind trying to intellectually understand this all when about this time 3 years ago I had become deeply conscious of myself as the witness of my talking ego, would merge with the silence and energy of my campus, and felt this deep compassion and connection with life. Like that time period doesn't feel like a series of different events, its just feels like a certain 'season of expansion.' Then using psychedelics a fair amount over the past 3 or so years after having 'forgotten' these realizations. Had multiple realizations of being within a dream, feeling scared shitless at first glimpse, got this physical feeling of terror like I was going to die and had no words to describe it to my friends at the time. This was the biggest thing its felt like I've been integrating at a deep deep level. Is this literally all just consciousness dreaming the formlessness of consciousness into form and experiencing itself as such. It seems as though writing this all out here has given me some pretty good clarity as to what's been going on.

Its like the mind will have this expanded sense of consciousness and then the everyday mind, everyday experiences, the 'story of my life' and all the particulars cause me to 'forget'. The mind just wants to go on living and forget about it and distract me in whatever way possible from knowing this. Seems like this may be the reason for my self sabotaging behaviors, just ego trying to activate. Like it will create whatever story or rabbit hole or thing 'I need to do' rather than just accepting whatever the present moment entails. It feels like I'm ready to 'fully awaken' or to fully experience myself as God and really surrender to my own death.  If you read this far, thank you. Just typing this out and fleshing out my ideas have given me tremendous clarity.