You cannot reach Heaven without touching the Earth first

[Guided]

Title nefariously stolen from @Leo Gura's post he made a few days ago. Anyways...

I just came back from a venture which took me into a classic UK pub and after an hour or so of idle sitting around watching football, other people talking or playing pool I realised why I came there in the first place - to talk to new people. Err, actually, it was to pick up girls. I've been struggling with it recently. Well, not recently. I struggled with girls all my life, but it's just now that I'm consciously struggling with it and trying to better myself through approaching new people, especially attractive girls. I've always been a shy guy and always dreamed of the perfect girl to just come and find me. I even dream of being a girl sometimes, but I digress.

Anyway, from today on let this be my great big glorious self-actualisation journey onto banging girls left and right and maybe even learning something on the way, you never know. While I do realise that it doesn't have such a big impact on my happiness whether I have a girlfriend or not, my dick doesn't really care about my happiness if you understand what I'm saying. Either way, this is going to be the place where I'll write my daily experiences with meeting new people, especially girls, and especially the intimate kind of meetings.

Honestly I'm writing this completely for myself though I'll try to make it readable for whoever is on a similar journey to mine... who knows, maybe we share the same troubles, my dear reader. In any case, I do hope this will help me in reaching my goal... which is not a goal at all but just a milestone of sorts, and that is finally get it into my thick head that I'm good with women and nothing can prove me otherwise. Because I am! Sometimes. Usually not. But I have my moments.

Recently I've been reading Badboy Lifestyle by, well, some guy who calls himself Badboy and the kind of language he uses is amusing, but I cannot help but see bits and pieces of enlightement in his writing. He realises that all feelings, sensations and thoughts eventually pass away, so there's not reason to get you knick-knacks in a rustle because of them. Just do what you gotta do... and if it's approaching that gorgeous girl that just entered the bar where you've been standing around trying to get to know (and fuck) somebody cool, well, it's your choice whether you act on those feelings or not, but don't whine about it if you don't.

I've been meaning to write this thing for a long time now, though originally with a topic more related to spirituality and whatnot, but for now this sexuality thing seems something that I REALLY want to get in order as it seems to be stopping me from any further progress towards ridding myself of all desire. Which is kind of funny, it's like jumping into a river in order get dry. But I guess you won't know what it is like to be dry without being wet first. Either way, I guess topics related to spirituality will jump up from time to time. I try to do my Vipassana meditation daily, and it helps me tremendously with awareness, empathy and just generally slowing down, which is very useful in talking to girls. True confidence!

If you've read so far, dear reader, that would mean that you are truly interested in my quest for some good-lovin' and connection, all while spanking the good-for-nothing self-critic that has been haunting my psyche for as long as I can remember! Well, it's time we put him under a spotlight, let's see how he likes that... Keep your eyes peeled, this is going to be one helluva ride.

Edited February 12, 2019 by Guided

[Guided]

Day 1: Social Momentum

Alright, here we go. I'm buzzing so much right now I'm struggling not to touch myself. I feel so much sexual charge withing me it's almost hard to contain it. I feel like I can lift mountains right now. Will change by tomorrow, but that seems to be how I'm feeling now. There is a clear reason for this - I talked to a lot of people today and met a couple of girls who were clearly into me!

But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's go back in time first.

I'll spare you the details, they're not important. What's important though is that I realised today that when it comes to social situations, including hitting on girls, it really is only about the state of mind you're in at that exact moment. (Finally I understand what PUAs mean by the word 'frame'.) Everything else will just sort of work out itself naturally. Here's a girl that you're interested in? Cool. You can say to her whatever the heck you want. If it's with the right 'frame', it's always gonna come out 'right', or at least you'll be cool about it if it doesn't. You just need to be conscious of two things - create attraction and then develop a connection. Attraction and Rapport.

Feelings, then thoughts. It's so simple. Here's how I realised:

I work for my uni as a student ambassador. Basically during open days and such I take people to where they need to be and help out with a myriad of tasks. It's a great job for one simple reason: I get to practice my social skills by having to approaching new people without expectations and practicing creating rapport with my fellow ambassadors. On top of that, I get paid for it! Dream job. Either way, there are times when I lock myself to the studio and not talk for days. My social skills drop down below bar quick when that happens. I noticed though that whenever I go and work as an ambassador, for the rest of the day after working, I feel incredibly social and comfortable around other people. I thought it was just a coincidence.

I was Wrong, with a capital W.

It was all about momentum.

The more I talked to people, the easier it got, the smoother it got, the more pleasant it got. I got more opportunities to make friends, you name it. Just today I got an invitation to a party on Friday, met two pretty Greek girls who seemed very eager to meet me again (I'll be seeing them on the Friday party,) met a Slovakian girl after calling out her professor for naming Slovakia 'another generic Eastern-European country' (these posh people are ridiculous,) which created instant attraction and just moments afterwards she was almost throwing her phone at me so she can get my number. Being Czech helped, since straight away we started talking in our native language. Cool.

Afterwards I noticed it felt really good being in my skin and frankly quite unusual to be so comfortable around others. Pretty much everybody who I talked to reacted positively to what I was saying, no matter what I was saying. Wait, that's not how it works! ...or at least that's what the minds was taught to think. Now I'm just wondering about all the possibilities of what I can do in such a state of mind. Talking to attractive girls is still a big hurdle for me to overcome, especially since talking to girls is only ever a problem when I know that I'm attracted. Expectations, perhaps. Either way, thinking back on my successes with women, it really was only when I was in this relaxed, but energetic, state. If I'm ever going to be consciously successful with women, it will be more about finding ways to put me into this state of mind rather than finding the correct words to say or whatever some people think it's about. If I can do that, success will come eventually, probably after a nice big fat chunk of awkward failures in which I try to gather enough momentum to swing me up into that state. After that, every interaction is a success in one way or another. 

It's framing. It makes sense now. Huh.

What did I have to do to achieve this momentum? Well, not much. Just talk to people. Then talk to them some more. Speak up. Suddenly all these exciting opportunities started coming outta nowhere. The more you do it, the easier gets. The easier it gets, the more fun it gets. When it becomes fun, it becomes a game, and that's where all the magic happens.

So, let's play!

[Guided]

Day 2: The Valentine's Day Craze

Whew, what a day. It was both a success and a failure. It just depends on how you look at it.

Let's get started.

The day started off pretty well. I woke up early, meditated for an hour (even though one half of that was just pure sleeping. Worth a try) and then started to get ready for a job interview I had later in the afternoon. I went to Primark, bought some clothes and had a great chat with the cashier on how she managed to get a Visa to stay in the UK. She's African, and told me not to worry about interviews - just go and have a 'chat' about it, just like she did when she went to the Visa interview, which obviously went well! It was interesting because it's unusual for me to strike up a conversation with cashiers or clerks. Before I spoke to her I had remembered that it's a great practice to talk with clerk, so I just casually shared that I'm buying clothes for a job interview. Before I knew it we were having a pleasant conversation. Did I ever meet her before? No. Did it matter? No. Was I gonna meet her again? Probably not, but it still didn't stop me from just having a nice conversation where I was completely relaxed.

Anyway, fast forward a few hours, after the interview finished, I had pretty much only one thing in my mind - I want to talk to girls. The interview left me in a pretty restless state as I worked myself up because of it for some reason (there was no reason to do so, I had the job before I even went there,) so by the time I arrived to the Uni, where I decided to do game for the day, I was in a pretty unstable, though eager, state of mind. I saw some guys holding roses in the park and didn't think much of it, until I realised that it's Valentine's Day.

Oh boy, if I'm going to to this today, it's gonna be something.

I'd like to go to the core of what I'm trying to write right away. Writing seems harder and less concise than yesterday, but I digress. 

Basically after realising that I cannot do work at the studio (it was full of people,) I just sort of wandered around the campus like a headless chicken looking for girls to approach. Man, the fear! The fear consumed me whole and interestingly enough stayed no matter what girl I was trying to approach. But I'm getting ahead of myself, let's go a bit back... 

I saw a pretty Asian girl sitting by herself in the campus cafe and decided to go and meet her, just like that. I like Asians. I went to her, sat down beside her and... did nothing. I started eating my flapjack and before I knew it, all the momentum I had built up just vanished and my mind was racing back and forth on what I should say. I have no idea for how long I've sat there, but I was just paralysed by worry and fear. It simply felt like I couldn't do it at that moment! Or rather, I was making myself believe I couldn't do it. Either way, eventually she actually fell asleep on the bench and sooner or later I gave up and quietly walked away like I never had the intention to talk to her in the first place. So, what happened? Let's summarise.

Tomas (that's me) sees a girl he likes. He goes and sits beside her and wants to talk to her. When he sits down, she doesn't seem particulary interested, is wearing headphones, texting, but is visibly bored. Tomas sees this as a sign of disinterest to him and reacts in tandem with faked disinterest, hoping something will happen while eating his flapjack. Tomas thinks about what to say for moments on end. Minutes pass, flapjack gets eaten, girl falls asleep and Tomas gets completely disheartened. 'I let the fear beat me again,' he thinks. 'What a disgrace.' Tomas gets up and leaves in a bad mood. Does the girl know about any of this? Probably not. 

So, where's the problem? Well, that's obvious. He just wasn't sure whether it's gonna be alright or not. He wasn't sure of himself and felt like things should be different within him if he's ever going to succeed. He thought he should feel different, be different, be more confident, be more open, whatever. But not what he was at that moment. Anything but that! She wouldn't like that. Probably. He doesn't really know, but is definitely not gonna try, that would mean he could get rejected, or even worse, ignored!!! So he kept his mouth shut and didn't say 'Hey, I thought you were interesting and wanted to meet you,' which was what he wanted to say. He kept looking for the perfect time, perfect line, perfect opportunity that never came. He waited for so long that she fell asleep! He was so worried about the outcome and thought out every possibility of how the conversation could go and pretty much self-censored everything he wanted to say to her. And so, nothing happened.

Or did it?

Writing it in this way is pretty helpful already, but what I wanted to show myself this way was exactly this problem that has been haunting me for so long - this anxiety that tugs at my mind whenever I try to consciously approach a woman I like. It doesn't happen when I approach anyone else. Just attractive girls and guys (this is not limited to sexual attractiveness). I'm so bent on the outcome like it means the WORLD to me at that moment and it paralyses me INSTANTLY to the point I cannot do absolutely ANYTHING. Or at least that's the feeling that the ego imposes on the mind-body when it wants to assert itself. It's so afraid of the possibility that a desire could be satisfied like the devil is afraid of the cross. You are not worthy! That's what it says. You like that person and want to meet them? Well, why the hell would they want to meet you? By that time, Tomas is running away to hide in a corner, because facing that anxiety breeds seemingly more anxiety and doing that one thing that seems to be causing this anxiety is out of the question.

What is actually happening is that in Tomas's mind, at the exact moment when a want, desire or need arises, a big neon sign flickers saying 'WANT = BAD!!!' flickers on and off. Tomas gets scared and runs away. It feels like doing that one thing is just gonna make him more anxious! So why would he do it? It's better not to do it, it's better not to feel this way, he doesn't want to feel this way. So he doesn't do it and the feeling eventually goes. Until he eventually sees another person he likes.

What Tomas doesn't know is that his desire is not what's creating the anxiety. The desire is just uncovering it. The anxiety is already there. It's his reaction to this desire that makes him unable to say a thing and perpetuates it further. It's like the Pandora's box.

Alright, summary again. From the top.

1. Desire turns up.
2. BIG BAD!!!
3. Tomas gets scared!
4. Tomas runs away. 
5. Tomas feels safe, for now.
6. Go to step 1 and collect 2000$ worth of anxiety.

Every single anxiety WILL pass! It must. Everything does. So every single anxiety that comes up should be answered with 'Do it anyway'.

I don't feel sociable enough.
Do it anyway.

I don't think she'll like me.
Do it anyway.

I'm not in 'state.'
Do it anyway

She seems busy.
Do it anyway (but please, use common sense.)

I don't know what to say.
Do it anyway

Her hair is not brown enough (what does that even mean?)
Do it anyway

Eventually, all of these anxietes will be felt and will HAVE to dissolve. There's not other possible conclusion to this. They cannot stay after being addressed directly, no matter where they came from! The darkness cannot survive under direct light. 

Then, better beliefs can come to replace them.

What makes me realise this is that just a few moments after, I decided to do a little experiment. Earlier that day, I received a small heart shaped badge with my Uni's logo on it. I remembered my acting days and decided, hey, let's do a little play. I'll try to be as cheesy as possible, be open with it and ask a girl, any girls, or girls, on how much would she/they rate me on the Level of Cheese. I just want to see their reaction. No expectations whatsoever.

So after about five minutes of trying to trick my mind in to actually doing it, something just snapped and I approached the first group of girls I saw. It was some English girls. I stood there right in front of them, one sitting, one standing, and spoke.

'Hey, I need your attention right now. I'm going to show you the CHEESIEST opening line you have ever heard'

I just started yelling like I was trying to sell them a new car. Not exactly how I planned it, but let's roll with it.

One laughs and says 'Alright, spit it out then.'

'I just wanna... give you my heart.'

I hand her the badge.

'That's all I wanted to do, just this.' 

'Oh okay, take care then.'

'Alright.'

As I leave, I hear loud laughing behind me.

Did it bother me? Not at all. 

I was happy. I finally approached. I blew it completely and yet I didn't give one single damn about it. Until this moment I still do not care about what she might think of me, honestly I do not even remember her face that much. It might sound trivial, but for me this is just such a mind blowing thing. i mean, I ran away to the studio straight away (the studio is like a base camp for me,) told a friend about it and we had some great laughs together. 'No wonder you failed,' my friend says heartily.

So, in a way, I failed HARD today. I failed miserably. So many beautiful girls just passed by me with me not doing anything at all. I let a girl I like fall asleep in my presence. I did the most awkward, cheesiest approach ever. And yet, it doesn't feel like that at all. Just the fact that I went to the campus to do this in the first place is the most unusual thing. Just the fact that I decided to go sit beside the girl was a success in a way. Just the fact that I tried approaching a girl with the most stupid line ever is a success in a way. Because before, I would never attempt to do these things and just leave it all to 'providence' or whatever I used to believe. All of these are BIG successes as what these apparent failures allowed me to do is to bring all these anxieties and unresolved emotional issues to light of consciousness. 

Somewhere, where they can be addressed, heard, healed and ultimately dissolved into nothing.
 

[Guided]

Day 3: One step forward, two steps backward

I must have made a mistake somewhere. This morning, around 4am, when I returned from a club, I masturbated to porn while drunk as hell.

Plenty of desire turned up and when I'm drink, my self-discipline is nowhere near to where it needs to be for me to be able to not react to it.

Still, I managed to approach a group of girls yesterday. There was a girl in the group who I recognized from a local pub. She works there. I found her interesting ever since I saw her in the pub, so after dancing close to the group of girls in question, in some way or the other the group and I started talking. They were really friendly and I found out that the girl I was interested in wa there with her girlfriend. Eventually, music take me over though and I danced off into the night. 

I think I'm making progress in that regard - approaching women is not such a daunting task anymore.

Now I need to improve myself on what to actually do and how to behave when I do.

I also realised how much clothes change how others perceive you.

Everybody knows this, I know it, but to directly experience this fact is interesting.

I got into the club for free, simply because I was eager to get in (there were no more tickets) and put on a 13 pound outfit from Primark - just a white non-collared shirt and black trousers that both fit me perfectly. I don't know why, but the door lady just said 'Get in' and I was in!

Suddenly many people I met during the night were much more keen to pay attention to me and generally react to me more positively. Maybe it's just a British thing.

Anyway, I think I will stick to trying to meet more women during the day, as meeting them at nighttime is not exactly my cup of tea. I do not want to place myself in situations where drinking alcohol is abundant, as I used to have problems with that in the past, and it does real damage to my self-discipline. I mean, I masturbated, which is a big waste of energy. 

The thing is, I'm very, very good at building rapport. Many people tell me this. Attraction is where I stumble a lot, and I feel that during the nighttime you need to build more attraction than rapport to truly 'meet' and girl, get her to bed or just make a connection or whatever you want to do. With daytime being the opposite, you do not need to build that much attraction to create a connection. You won't get one-night stands for sure, but that's not really what I'm looking for at the moment, even though the idea of doing it sounds fun. 

So, with that being said, I'll try to recuperate from the masturbation over the weekend (it drains me to the bone and I feel it) and then see how I do next week.

It will be interesting to observe how I do after masturbating. Will my energy be lower? Will I be less sexual, less confident, during approaches and day-to-day interactions? I think I know the answer to that, but still, direct experience is direct experience.

It will also be interesting to observe how women will react to me when I put on some really snazzy clothes, even if it means I might look a bit out of place. It's worth a shot.

Let's just take this whole pick-up thing as an experiment - and experiment of what I can do and what I'm capable of.

I'd like to see where my limit is.

I'd also like to see where the boundary is between the things I have control over and the things I don't. 

Hey, maybe I really am not-so attractive at this current point of time, in this current place! It's all demographics anyway.

I was very attractive to women in Indonesia. I come back to Europe and BOOM, not so much anymore. What has changed?

So I guess I just need to figure out the things that work and things that don't, and the only way to do that is trial and error! 

 

[Leo Gura]

@Guided Good work, but don't be drinking when doing pickup. Do it sober.

I did over 3000 approaches and never bought 1 alcoholic drink in my entire life.

Try to stay away from canned openers. Just push yourself to approach and improvise gibber-jabber. Try to plow through and maintain the girl's attention for as long as possible. Do not eject. You keep talking to her until she tells you to fuck off or leaves. Plowing is key. That will build your conversation skills. You will suck a first, but you will also quickly improve if you make the commit to never eject from a set.

Try to open to some sets and make them last for 30-60 minutes.

Don't make your conversations logical. They can literally be any random useless nonsensical stuff, like how much you hate Trump or how much you love pizza. Talk, talk, talk your mouth off. Allow yourself to let loose and be emotional and opinionated. You can also make up fantastical shit like: "I'm going to buy everyone in this bar a kangaroo. Help me pick out a name for my kangaroo."

Here's the key to night-game conversation: The words coming out of your mouth do not have to make any sense.

[Guided]

6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Guided Good work, but don't be drinking when doing pickup. Do it sober.

I did over 3000 approaches and never bought 1 alcoholic drink in my entire life.

Try to stay away from canned openers. Just push yourself to approach and improvise gibber-jabber. Try to plow through and maintain the girl's attention for as long as possible. Do not eject. You keep talking to her until she tells you to fuck off or leaves. Plowing is key. That will build your conversation skills. You will suck a first, but you will also quickly improve if you make the commit to never eject from a set.

Try to open to some sets and make them last for 30-60 minutes.

Don't make your conversations logical. They can literally be any random useless nonsensical stuff, like how much you hate Trump or how much you love pizza. Talk, talk, talk your mouth off. Allow yourself to let loose and be emotional and opinionated. You can also make up fantastical shit like: "I'm going to buy everyone in this bar a kangaroo. Help me pick out a name for my kangaroo."

Here's the key to night-game conversation: The words coming out of your mouth do not have to make any sense.

Thanks for the useful tips Leo! i'll try to put them into practice this week. Especially the one with not drinking - for some reason, I always feel obliged to buy a drink in whatever club/bar I go to. The benefits are clear, you feel more confident, loose... the drawback is, you don't actually learn anything.

The idea of saying whatever comes to my mind is fun! I'm pretty good at that at times, I can go off for tens of minutes calmly talking about the most absurd things. That is of course dependent on how anxious I feel at any given moment - if I care about what the other person thinks of me, I'm never able to do it genuinely.

I got a bit disheartened this weekend honestly. I talked to my Indonesian ex-girlfriend at lengths about what I'm trying to do with pick-up and one thing became clear - there's a overarching theme of desperation when I try to go out to get girls and in the relationships I form here.

She said 'You care about finding a girlfriend too much. Stop looking and it will happen.'

I thought 'Well how is anything gonna happen if I don't look? I'll never take action. This is just girl's logic - stand around and wait for something to happen.' 

Well, turns out it's the one thing that prevents me from doing pick-up properly.

I can still do pick-up. Just the intention will be different. 

I won't be out looking for a girlfriend or a girl to fuck.

I'll just be out enjoying myself.
 
Another thing I realised is that I'm pretty damn lonely. Southampton is a big city and the people are generally cold if I compare it to the other cities where I stayed for a longer time. Thus, at times I feel like I need to impress others for them to want to have anything to do with me.

I've finished reading The Jungle Books yesterday and after reading the last story, where Mowgli returns to his mother, I felt it - I don't truly believe that I could be deserving of unconditional love.

When I imagine myself in Mowgli shoes, I just feel angry and dejected. Like some sort of injustice was enacted on me.

When I imagine somebody treating me with respect, love and kindness for no apparent reason, I feel angry and powerless.

Typical nice-guy pattern, I know. It's the demons haunting me from childhood.

It seems to me a bit out of place to be talking of these things when it's just pick up, and yet it's precisely these things that got uncovered as I try to do pick-up more and more. It also makes me want to give up, because now these uncovered complexes get connected with what I'm doing right now.

I will NOT give up!!!

[Guided]

I went on a date recently. 

It went alright, considering I haven't been on a date in ages. 
We went to play some minigolf, which turned out to be a great idea. It was fun.
We connected easily, as we both had plenty of travel stories to share.
Eventually though, that connection sort of... fizzled out.
The conversation didn't lead anywhere, or rather I tried to impress her a bit too much with my travel experiences rather than simply sharing them.
Eventually, we went back to the Uni to chat some more, and I felt like we haven't been as engaged in the conversation as much as I'd hoped. Maybe that was the part of the problem.
She kept eyeing passerby people. She even commented on a guy passing by.
I kept talking about boring stuff. How many times has anybody heard the question 'Have you gone home for Christmas?'

Either way, the date ended on a tasteless note.

Still, I'm interested in her and would love to meet her again. 

It has been tough to form connections even since I returned to the UK.
Have I changed, or have I let the cold surroundings affect my character?
Maybe both.
That's why I would like to give it another go, meet her again, and let the ice melt.
I feel plenty of expectations within me.

I will let them pass. 

I have talked to my Indonesian ex-girlfriend many times recently. 
We share a great connection, better than ever before.
I feel glad about it, but I get the feeling I am dependent on her emotional availability.
It seems there is an unconscious belief of 'she made me happy when she was my girlfriend'.
This equals 'I cannot be happy by myself'

I find it hard to consciously try to attract women without being desperate.

Should I try again despite this fact?
Is this the correct way?
It's uncomfortable as I'm becoming aware of my desperation.

If I'm becoming aware of it, then yes, it has to be the correct way.

I'm making progress.

I haven't done pick up for the past few days.
Going on that date filled me with a strong feeling of validation.
'The fact you went on that date means you're pretty much sorted,' the mind says

We all know that thoughts are not to be trusted.

I haven't actually achieved anything by it.
I haven't grown an inch by it.
Actually, I feel less confident now than I did before I went on the date.

Work, music production in my case, has been a great distraction away from my sexual desire.
Actually, the only reason I started producing music was to give an outlet for my sexual energy.
Through it I was able to reach deep 'flow' states - intense moments of concentration, where there are no thoughts or feelings of desire for intimacy.
It proved to be easier to focus on music than it is to focus on sexuality.
It is less scary, more predictable.

It is nothing but another means of escape.

But it cannot substitute it forever. 

There will come a time when I will have to face these fears of an unknown territory.

If that time is not now, then when?

It has to be now. 

Edited February 20, 2019 by Guided

[archi]

On 2/17/2019 at 10:44 AM, Leo Gura said:

@Guided Good work, but don't be drinking when doing pickup. Do it sober.

I did over 3000 approaches and never bought 1 alcoholic drink in my entire life.

Try to stay away from canned openers. Just push yourself to approach and improvise gibber-jabber. Try to plow through and maintain the girl's attention for as long as possible. Do not eject. You keep talking to her until she tells you to fuck off or leaves. Plowing is key. That will build your conversation skills. You will suck a first, but you will also quickly improve if you make the commit to never eject from a set.

Try to open to some sets and make them last for 30-60 minutes.

Don't make your conversations logical. They can literally be any random useless nonsensical stuff, like how much you hate Trump or how much you love pizza. Talk, talk, talk your mouth off. Allow yourself to let loose and be emotional and opinionated. You can also make up fantastical shit like: "I'm going to buy everyone in this bar a kangaroo. Help me pick out a name for my kangaroo."

Here's the key to night-game conversation: The words coming out of your mouth do not have to make any sense.

waw, I was doing it unintentionally for like 2:30h , it was bizarre . She just had lungo coffee and I drank her water next to my dark chocolate.