How to get a boyfriend

[Pilgrim]

On 13.2.2019 at 0:38 PM, billiesimon said:

Right now you are NOT attracted to healthy men. That's the core problem

good point, there might be some truth to this. I guess I really am not attracted to healthy men, at least not too healthy.  I like a certain vulnerability in people.. those totally stable guys who never really seem to have a problem are kind of uninteresting to me. I definitely gravitate towards guys that have more layers.. but I am not sure if that really is a bad thing. I like guys who are mature and self-conscious, but also have edges. 

On 13.2.2019 at 0:38 PM, billiesimon said:

Low self esteem and weak boundaries tend to attract abusive people (not just partners, also friends) and depressing situations.

Yes that is true and that really is a danger. You have to stand up for yourself. I know what you mean and I am grateful I have never encountered such a situation.. but I still have to make sure I am not being used in everyday situations.. I was just raised to be very polite, this politeness makes it sometimes a bit hard to really be assertive and stand up for myself, but I am getting better at this  

Edited February 14, 2019 by Pilgrim

[Pilgrim]

On 13.2.2019 at 0:07 PM, Privet said:

Did you try to understand why do you have this belief? Why do you feel you are not good enough? Did somebody convince you in that? Did somebody treat you like you are not good enough?

I think it is because I have ADD and I am a bit different than most people. And that is probably the source of this feeling.. however I am quite certain that half of humanity (if not more) feels this way.. deep down, many people feel like they are not good enough. I think it's mostly just me.. nobody ever gave me this feeling, I just somehow don't accept myself because I am different. The key is definitely self-love and self-acceptance for me. 

On 13.2.2019 at 0:07 PM, Privet said:

Isn't it wise to pick someone who has potential and grow together with you than expect that you will get someone who has already grown with other woman? Make sure that your standards are reasonable

yeah... I am not really attracted to that many men.. I don't know why. I have a very specific type and I think there are just not that many men who fit my taste. And I do tend to be attracted to very self-reflective and mature guys.. not in age but in their development. So I do realise that the guys I am attracted to are first of all rather rare and secondly probably a bit out of my league currently.. simply because I am not at this stage of development yet.. but I do expect the guy to be there. But they obviously want someone equal as well.. so that really might be the issue. However, I cannot make myself be attracted to someone I am not. I think the only way is to keep working on myself. 

[Shin]

4 minutes ago, Pilgrim said:

So I do realise that the guys I am attracted to are first of all rather rare and secondly probably a bit out of my league currently.. simply because I am not at this stage of development yet.. but I do expect the guy to be there. But they obviously want someone equal as well.. so that really might be the issue. However, I cannot make myself be attracted to someone I am not. I think the only way is to keep working on myself. 

Exactly,

And when you've developed yourself that much, a relationship would be a nice addition to your life,
But clearly not necessarily, you won't even feel a lack anymore.

Edited February 14, 2019 by Shin

[Pilgrim]

On 13.2.2019 at 10:01 PM, Aquarius said:

You're not attracting those men, you are allowing them into your life by yourself. Ask yourself why are you sexually attracted to protecting insecure immature men.

I don't know.. I really don't think I am attracted to immature men. I think it's much more the opposite.. the only men I am attracted to are very, very mature. I like these extremely self-conscious guys who have a very deep thought process. I don't like assholes. 

[RichardY]

@Pilgrim When I hear sensitive man. I'm always reminded of the sensitive man scene from bedazzled. Or think about that Harry Potter actress Emma Watson, uhmm what was the name in the movie Hypergamy or something. Her boyfriend or husband is/was a Rugby player, not exactly sensitive.

-------------------

Who is your daddy, and what does he do? Seriously though, consider how you might be unconsciously mimicking  or shadowing the behaviour of a father figure.

 

[Toby]

Sounds a bit like you are afraid of your and the dude's unconscious patterns that are triggered within the relationship. So you wait for yourself and / or the dude to be perfect before considering a relationship. Probably expectation is unrealistic imo.

[Shadowraix]

@Mikael89 Your projecting your own problems outward again. Is this forum even helping you? Seriously.

All you have done is complain. Get a grip, man. Going on about how hard you have it here will not help you until you stop blaming the world around you and take responsibility.

How long will you dilly-dally on here? Are you just here to invade every thread with your own problems to make yourself feel better?

Edited February 15, 2019 by Shadowraix

[Shir]

@Salvijus OMG I'm going to have to agree with you! When I stopped caring about getting a bf (never had one) THEN that's were they suddenly showed up. Once you drop resistance, that's when things start happening they way you wanted I think...pretty crazy.

May I ask what you mean about a spiritual woman? Very curious.

[Shir]

@Mikael89

On 2/10/2019 at 3:40 PM, Shin said:

There's a thread in this forum with the title: "How does one politely turn down a guy respectfully?"

This was MY post! I actually worded it very politely and I hope you got to read my original post because I wrote it with compassion to the guy in question! Not all women are freaking bad! 

Listen, I'm sorry you're hurting but women aren't the vain of your existence...it's the belief's you are holding ABOUT them that's holding you back. Let go and stop resisting and she'll show up.

[Salvijus]

@Shir

6 hours ago, Shir said:

@Salvijus OMG I'm going to have to agree with you! When I stopped caring about getting a bf (never had one) THEN that's were they suddenly showed up. Once you drop resistance, that's when things start happening they way you wanted I think...pretty crazy.

May I ask what you mean about a spiritual woman? Very curious.

I think the saying "play hard to get" comes from the same psychology as "don't be desperate"

For me, a women who is devoted to some form of spirituality, who holds truth as a highest priority in her life is spiritual for me

[Shin]

4 hours ago, Mikael89 said:

Just shut up. That's not true, not for me.

It will never be true if you persist being a child.

[Shir]

15 hours ago, Mikael89 said:

Just shut up. That's not true, not for me.

Oh I should shut up? I'm just trying to HELP YOU, buddy....if you act like an ass, don't expect to ever get a real woman this way.

Once you apply the technique, you'd be surprised but no worries. Don't listen to me at all.

 

[Shir]

11 hours ago, Salvijus said:

For me, a women who is devoted to some form of spirituality, who holds truth as a highest priority in her life is spiritual for me

@Salvijus That's awesome! Thank you for sharing, I appreciate it  I don't wanna sound self absorbed lol but to be honest, that's the path I'm trying to take for myself right now (as a single Lady) and it seems as though it may be of value to another man/future partner and so that was lovely to read - that men would appreciate such a woman, so thank you kindly. 

I feel validated haha.

[Salvijus]

1 hour ago, Shir said:

was lovely to read - that men would appreciate such a woman, so thank you kindly. 

Women like that are not going to lack appreciation, that's for sure

Edited February 15, 2019 by Salvijus

[Shadowraix]

4 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

Yes because your advice suck.

I don't act like an ass usually, only when people give me shit advice in a internet forum.

You say it works.. then how come nothing happened when I earlier in my life did what you suggest.

Yes I don't listen to you at all.

Hard to critique your methodology when nobody knows what or how you did what you say you did.

If what you deem as shit advice is enough to rile you up, you still got a long way to go.

[Shir]

1 hour ago, Mikael89 said:

Yes because your advice suck.

I don't act like an ass usually, only when people give me (provocative) shit advice in a internet forum.

You say it works.. then how come nothing happened when I earlier in my life did what you suggest.

Yes I don't listen to you at all.

No worries. Keep complaining. Look if it will do you any good. All I keep hearing is "shut up and your advice sucks" Well you suck, buddy. Absolutely no self respecting woman is going to tolerate your attitude nor should she. People are trying to help you but you're constantly deflating any and all notions of advice and are punishing women who comment and bad mouthing them. Good luck!

Edited February 16, 2019 by Shir

[Shir]

1 hour ago, Salvijus said:

Women like that are not going to lack appreciation, that's for sure

@Salvijus Thank you for your positive words! <3

[Privet]

On 15.02.2019 at 5:20 AM, Pilgrim said:

I think it is because I have ADD and I am a bit different than most people. And that is probably the source of this feeling.. however I am quite certain that half of humanity (if not more) feels this way.. deep down, many people feel like they are not good enough. I think it's mostly just me.. nobody ever gave me this feeling, I just somehow don't accept myself because I am different. The key is definitely self-love and self-acceptance for me. 

In previous message you mentioned that you feel that you are not good enough because you are behind in your level of skills and in this message you state that it's ADD, it seems that you take it as an axiom "I am not good enough" and when you try to find out "why?" you come up with any random irrelevant reason that is on the surface.

Why do you derive your sense of worthiness from comparison to others? Who taught you to think of yourself in that way? Is it possible to feel worthy if you tell yourself that you are unworthy and then rationalize why you are unworthy? You are sticking sticks into your own wheels.

Beware of "I'm not good enough, because..." mantra that you keep repeating. Don't deceive yourself. <3

Edited February 16, 2019 by Privet

[Pilgrim]

2 hours ago, Privet said:

In previous message you mentioned that you feel that you are not good enough because you are behind in your level of skills and in this message you state that it's ADD, it seems that you take it as an axiom "I am not good enough" and when you try to find out "why?" you come up with any random irrelevant reason that is on the surface.

no that's actually the same thing.. ADD sort of is the reason for me being "behind". You know my brain just works differently than the brain of most other people.. I am smart, but just different. My perspective is different and I focus on other things than 95%.. so in most situations people don't really get how I approach things. I realise that I have to stand up for myself more.. in the past I tried to adapt to the 95%, but I know it doesn't work and well it didn't so.. honesty rules. Probably I am also just overly sensitive about the fact that I approach things differently, because for me it's very obvious. But most people probably don't even care.. so this feeling of not being "good enough" is a consequence out of the observation that I just process everything a little different than most other people, I am a bit slower but also deeper in my thought process and often "hyper focus" on things when they catch my attention and I just often feel inappropriate (AND it doesn't really help that I am generally a very observant person ). So the answer is self-love and self-acceptance. In the end, if you are confident and accept yourself the way you are everyone else will too. But I still have a bit of a way to go in order to get there  

2 hours ago, Privet said:

Beware of "I'm not good enough, because..." mantra that you keep repeating. Don't deceive yourself. <3

I totally agree.  

Edited February 16, 2019 by Pilgrim

[Privet]

@Pilgrim

Why u so stubborn? 

Doesn't matter how sloppy your mind is and what a slow and obsessive special cookie you are, you. are. fucking. miraculous. right. fucking. now. no. matter. what. period. Fuck ADD. Fuck what they think about your weirdness.

Go ahead, try to argue with that. Find another oh-so-rational reason to explain why you are not good enough.

Don't give yourself time to love yourself. Do it now! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ︻╦╤─ <3<3<3

Edited February 16, 2019 by Privet