How to get a boyfriend

[Pilgrim]

Hey lovely actualized community, 

I am 27 years old and I really wish to have a meaningful relationship. Yet my love life is basically non-existent since quite some time. I took time to work on myself and I am still not where I want to be, but I believe I made a lot of progress. And I feel I am ready for a relationship of the "next level". But I wonder if I am doing something wrong with men in general, because it somehow never works out. I am a pretty girl, I do sport regularly, live healthy, a bit introverted, a bit dreamy and in some situations insecure. I am a bit clumsy, but I also have this really cute personality.. mothers fall in love with me instantly, if men would think like mothers I wouldn't have any problem.   

Actually it seems like I attract many men at first too and most are very interested for some time, yet at some point it often shifts. I wonder if I am "too cute" in the sense of being the nice girl. I am definitely a genuine person and there is nothing wrong with that. But I feel like I am not showing my boundaries strongly enough.. that probably goes along with low self-esteem. There are also quite a few areas in my life where I do not really feel competent. I tried to work on my self-esteem but there are still many areas where I just feel insecure. Maybe I am just overly self-conscious and too critical, but in the end deep down I feel like I am not "good enough". So this belief obviously also mirrors the experiences I am having with men. Maybe I am also just picking the ones that are enforcing this feeling of not being "good enough"? Do you think it's possible to have a healthy relationship with this belief buried somewhere in my subconscious? And what can I do to change this? I believe it stems from me having ADD and always being a bit different than the others, feeling inappropriate somehow, but putting a lot of effort into seeming to blend in perfectly. I really worked already ver hard on trying to accept myself the way I am, but sometimes it feels like a mission impossible. Or could a relationship with an empathetic, sensitive man actually help me to believe in myself? 

 

[Salvijus]

The only girls that draw my attention are those who are deeply immersed in spirituality and don't care about relationships

I only saw one girl like that in Shoonya program. When I saw her I didn't think women exist like that.

I also saw one incredible women who had incredible presence and stillness in Mooji's ashram.

I never even considered having a girlfriend in my life. I couldn't understand what's the point. But women that are spiritually matured and strong. I see them as deities. I would worship them.

So this is the best thing you can do to yourself is become strongly rooted in spirituality. Then no man will be able to resist you. Even someone like me who doesnt care a damn about women brake down

Don't be desperate for relationship also. It's a thing that highly conscious man will never like. It feels like walking trouble almost.

But someone who doesn't care about relationship suddenly she attracts everybody. That's the paradox.

"Bhuddha forgotten and abandoned the whole world, now the world can't forget him." Mooji. 

Edited February 9, 2019 by Salvijus

[Shin]

• 5 pillars of self esteem
• The power of Now
• The Untethered Soul

Those are good books.

 

I think you should work on your self esteem issue first, you should be secure in yourself and not need anyone to feel complete.
Then at that point a relationship will make sense and could really work, if you still choose to have one.

Any relationship whatsoever will be a drama and will bring more suffering than happiness if you aren't happy by yourself, because you expect the other people to make you happy (and they do too).
That can't never work, and if you look around you you know it's true, almost all couples broke up or divorce at a point, this isn't an accident.

[Aquarius]

You're not attracting those men, you are allowing them into your life by yourself. Ask yourself why are you sexually attracted to insecure men. 

[Richard Alpert]

If that yoga picture in your profile is you, you don´t have problems getting a man.

Just

a) look good and dont be a bitch

b) don´t spread your legs in the first few dates if you want long term relationship

Sorry, men are simple.

[Richard Alpert]

34 minutes ago, Shin said:

• 5 pillars of self esteem
• The power of Now
• The Untethered Soul

Those are good books.

 

I think you should work on your self esteem issue first, you should be secure in yourself and not need anyone to feel complete.
Then at that point a relationship will make sense and could really work, if you still choose to have one.

Any relationship whatsoever will be a drama and will bring more suffering than happiness if you aren't happy by yourself, because you expect the other people to make you happy (and they do too).
That can't never work, and if you look around you you know it's true, almost all couples broke up or divorce at a point, this isn't an accident.

where did the 1 pillar go, lol?

last time i checked my library it was 6 pillars

[Shin]

4 minutes ago, Richard Alpert said:

where did the 1 pillar go, lol?

last time i checked my library it was 6 pillars

I lost it when the police arrested me for child abuse ?

[Leo Gura]

6 hours ago, Richard Alpert said:

where did the 1 pillar go, lol?

last time i checked my library it was 6 pillars

He's got so much self-esteem, 6 would be too much

@Pilgrim There is a deeper existential issue at work here beyond ordinary self-esteem. See, virtually every ego feels like it's not good enough. This is a deeper problem than it first seems. To be an ego is to constantly feel incomplete, inadequate, unlovable, and worthless.

That is solved by spiritual practice and consciousness work. You need to become conscious of how incompleteness, inadequacy, and being unlovable are part of the entire dynamic of being human. These things are the consequence of your deepest held beliefs about life. Those beliefs need to be questioned very deeply.

For example, who what is nobody loves you. Why is that bad or wrong? Why do you need love from others? Contemplate that seriously until you realize that you actually do not need love from others. This will feel counter-intuitive. There will be fear here that you must face head-on.

Sounds like you should have no problem finding a man as long as you are going out and socializing. Setting boundaries is a separate matter. To set decent boundaries you need to resolve your self-esteem issues.

You might also want to be more conscious of how you screen men. Get more clear about what you want in a man and what you don't want. Be honest about whether your ideal man is actually something you're attracted to. For example, you may say you want a sensitive empathetic man, but then in practice you actually get turned on by loud-mouthed charismatic assholes who would sell their own mothers a lemon car. Often what you get attracted to on the front end is not the ideal guy to be in a relationship with.

The man is not going to help you believe in yourself. You must do that on your own.

[CreamCat]

11 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Contemplate that seriously until you realize that you actually do not need love from others.

Teal Swan, the author of The anatomy of loneliness, would say a different thing.

 

Edited February 10, 2019 by CreamCat

[Leo Gura]

@CreamCat Fundamentally, all love is self-love. Since in the end, there is no one here but you.

As an adult it's a good idea to take responsibility for love rather than offloading that responsibility onto others.

You are the love you seek from the world.

[Pilgrim]

thank you for all your responses guys!

@Salvijus well I guess I would just really want to have a mature partnership, because I believe you can learn a lot from each other and relationships also offer plenty of possibilities to grow. It's not that I just want any relationship.. I have a very clear picture about the kind of relationship I want. It's also not that men aren't interested in me.. it's more that I am somehow not able to make the next move with the kind of men and the sort of relationship I desire. But here you go.. it's still desire, it's still being a bit needy for this particular relationship to happen. I guess you're right, but how can I make myself not want something that I perceive as so valuable - also for my own development?

 @Shin thank you  I read parts of the 6 pillars of self-esteem a few months ago and it really is very good! I definitely worked already on my self-confidence... but there are just so many areas in my life where I feel inferior compared to others.. my level of skill is just not as good as theirs. And I always feel I am a bit "behind", there is so much more to learn for me. I don't know if I should focus on my strengths and try to extend them as much as I can.. or if I should soften my weaknesses cause they are quite restricting. But my weaknesses are also closely connected to ADD, so I am not sure to what extent I am even able to reduce my weaknesses. 

 @Leo Gura YES! This: 

6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

For example, you may say you want a sensitive empathetic man, but then in practice you actually get turned on by loud-mouthed charismatic assholes who would sell their own mothers a lemon car. Often what you get attracted to on the front end is not the ideal guy to be in a relationship with.

that is very true for me. I think I know pretty well what kind of partner would suit to me and be good for me in theory.. but when I meet them in person, there is always something bothering me and somehow making me not attracted even though I value them SO much. Maybe it's the similarity.. that I just feel so close to them, but there is no "passion", "fire".. all the things we are told that love should be. There is one man like that in my life right now, but I am not having any romantic feelings for him. I value him a lot and I was wondering if I should give him a chance, because he really is a great guy and there is so much similarity between us.. but it would be also a bit unfair, because I know he has feelings for me and I don't want to break his heart. How can I start something with him, knowing I don't have any feelings? That doesn't seem right either. 

6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Sounds like you should have no problem finding a man as long as you are going out and socializing. Setting boundaries is a separate matter. To set decent boundaries you need to resolve your self-esteem issues.

I don't have problems finding a man, but I have problems manifesting the kind of relationship that I wish to have. Maybe that's also a sign that I am simply not there yet myself. But I also think that I need to gain more experience in having a partnership. I have been turning down guys for a long time now, because I felt it was not what I was looking for. And then I have been turned down when I felt that WAS what I was looking for. So it's either my patterns.. or I still have to wait. But this desire is definitely growing with time, but it also seems highly stupid to me to get together with someone where it doesn't feel right. And when I feel it is right - the guy doesn't want to take the next move. That's the story of my life.. and I am pretty sure it's not only the guys.. there is something in my behaviour and in my subconscious beliefs that contributes to this end result.  

Thanks again everyone, will contemplate further on this.  

 

 

[Shin]

You see, you compare yourself to other, why ?

Firstly, there will always be someone that will be better at what you do, alive or dead, and if that's not the case, you will fear someone will in the futur.

This is a game you can't win.

You need to calm the mind by understanding experientially that you are not your thoughts, or the subtle thought that says nothing but still judge and compare by feeling raw emotions.

So more meditation, and remaining conscious as much as you can, all day, without judging your thoughts or emotions, but just letting them be.

[Elisabeth]

3 hours ago, Pilgrim said:

 @Leo Gura YES! This: 

that is very true for me. I think I know pretty well what kind of partner would suit to me and be good for me in theory.. but when I meet them in person, there is always something bothering me and somehow making me not attracted even though I value them SO much. Maybe it's the similarity.. that I just feel so close to them, but there is no "passion", "fire".. all the things we are told that love should be.

 

The attraction/passion/fire/limerence we feel ... I know two theories. One is, that we're being attracted to our shadow, to the sides we want to integrate more. The other is, that we love people who can offer similar "love" to what our parents offered one when we were little - which absolutely need not be a healthy adult kind of love. Both of these theories are a little scary.

It does seem your radar is off. I'm not sure how that is solved. Get aware. Maybe you'll have to find some kind of compromise between what's attractive to you and what's you "ideal relationship" now.  

[Shin]

1 hour ago, Mikael89 said:

"How to get a boyfriend"

Typical girl luxury "problem".

There's a thread in this forum with the title: "How does one politely turn down a guy respectfully?"

AHAHAHAHA that's the "problem" which girls have. 

Or maybe I should cry instead, which I have also done.

It sucks to be a guy, that's for sure.

And you all fucking know this.

Why do you think the guy falls down on his knees when he does propose?

Why do you think 70% of all suicides are men?

If you would get some balls and grow yourself,

You would experience the same in reverse.

It's not fun for anybody, no one likes to reject someone except psycho.

[Rilles]

1 hour ago, Mikael89 said:

"How to get a boyfriend"

Typical girl luxury "problem".

Youre wrong but anyway, you should adapt to life not the other way around. Youre expecting girls to kiss your ass, not gonna happen pal. 

[Pilgrim]

12 minutes ago, Shin said:

If you would get some balls and grow yourself,

You would experience the same in reverse.

It's not fun for anybody, no one likes to reject someone except psycho.

exactly. @Mikael89 would you really want to be with a girl that didn't chose you, but just a relationship? Maybe my title was little bit misleading, obviously I am not just looking for any random guy who is willing to be in a relationship with me, but want to find out what is limiting me in having a mature partnership with a mature, self-conscious guy that is compatible with me. From your point of view this might look like a luxury problem, but it really isn't. In the end, nobody will be happy in a relationship that is not compatible and it's preferable to be alone than with someone who doesn't fit to you. I really don't know how to help you. It's obvious that you are suffering deeply and I am sorry it is this way.

[Privet]

On 10.02.2019 at 2:48 AM, Pilgrim said:

Do you think it's possible to have a healthy relationship with this belief buried somewhere in my subconscious?

Sure it is, the question is how much trouble it generates, too much to bear or manageable. There's no such thing as utter confidence, even very confident people become insecure at times.

On 10.02.2019 at 2:48 AM, Pilgrim said:

And what can I do to change this?

Did you try to understand why do you have this belief? Why do you feel you are not good enough? Did somebody convince you in that? Did somebody treat you like you are not good enough?

On 10.02.2019 at 2:48 AM, Pilgrim said:

Or could a relationship with an empathetic, sensitive man actually help me to believe in myself? 

Isn't that the point of relationships? To exchange love, encouragement, acceptance, caring etc.? Although it's not just about a sensitive man, but also conscious and honest. A sensitive man would sugarcoat everything that you do including fuck ups, sensitive and honest will also encourage you to change something that is obviously off.

On 10.02.2019 at 6:00 PM, Pilgrim said:

And I always feel I am a bit "behind", there is so much more to learn for me.

You will never be in front. There will always be someone who is better because we have 7 billion people on Earth. Don't compare yourself to others, only improve to be better than yesterday.

--------------------------------------------------

Also be aware that the standard of men that you want may be a result of those men growing in relationships. So if you have little experience how can you expect to have a man that has lot's of it? Isn't it wise to pick someone who has potential and grow together with you than expect that you will get someone who has already grown with other woman? Make sure that your standards are reasonable and are not based on romantic cultural indoctrination that doesn't match with reality.

[billiesimon]

On 10/2/2019 at 3:09 PM, Pilgrim said:

exactly. @Mikael89 would you really want to be with a girl that didn't chose you, but just a relationship? Maybe my title was little bit misleading, obviously I am not just looking for any random guy who is willing to be in a relationship with me, but want to find out what is limiting me in having a mature partnership with a mature, self-conscious guy that is compatible with me. From your point of view this might look like a luxury problem, but it really isn't. In the end, nobody will be happy in a relationship that is not compatible and it's preferable to be alone than with someone who doesn't fit to you. I really don't know how to help you. It's obvious that you are suffering deeply and I am sorry it is this way.

I empathize with both of you. Generally men have the opposite problem of yours. We tend to have less dating pool and less abundance but in turn we get the advantage of having more chance of having satisfaction in a relationship, since we have to proactively create it and lead the girl into it.

But the initial part of dating is generally a huge pain in the ass for men. But it's all balanced. Girls suffer at the same level in the after-phase of dating.

 

I think your problem stems from attracting some kind of negative energy that comes from you first. Low self esteem and weak boundaries tend to attract abusive people (not just partners, also friends) and depressing situations. I've been there, I've been a huge attractor of negative friends and abusive friends in general. You have to define your core beliefs and practice self esteem and self love, and this will generate in you attraction for healthy men and healthy mindsets.

 

Right now you are NOT attracted to healthy men. That's the core problem,

[YaNanNallari]

Look within for answers to your questions. You are able to find things out, at least slowly

Edited February 13, 2019 by YaNanNallari

[Aquarius]

9 hours ago, billiesimon said:

Generally men have the opposite problem of yours. We tend to have less dating pool and less abundance but in turn we get the advantage of having more chance of having satisfaction in a relationship, since we have to proactively create it and lead the girl into it.

@billiesimon I feel the same way but I'm a girl. Nowadays I tend to just be myself and if the guy likes me ok, if not... that's it. I remember the anxiety when I used dating apps, felt like I was on a job interview every time someone wrote a message to me. I also got lots of lowkey insults, which were either around me being spiritual, me being suspiciously pretty or being too masculine (I assume it's a strong yang energy within?).

@Pilgrim Sorry if I sounded blunt, I ruminated so much on my answer to your thread, I really did think about what I said and regretted it a lot. I simply got frustrated by your situation and the fact that I wasn't sure how to help, I really wanted to, I really felt your pain. Let me translate what I meant, now that I got myself together.

On 2/9/2019 at 10:29 PM, Aquarius said:

You're not attracting those men, you are allowing them into your life by yourself. Ask yourself why are you sexually attracted to protecting insecure immature men. 

What I meant is you allow the men to treat you that way, and you cannot be hurt if you don't want to be hurt. It's a state of mind, that of loving infinitely, especially including loving yourself. Not sure how to describe unconditional love. For me it has always been a way of life since birth. How do I describe something I was born with? I can try. 

Leo has a video about it somewhere though, didn't really resonate with my intuitive approaches but it's worth researching/practicing. It's a beautiful thing.