"the now" changed my entire perspective

[UNZARI]

ive been on and off having suicidal thoughts for a year now because of anxiety and depression. its what got me into looking into this material then finally doing the practices. i started off rough, but i finally started finding comfortable ways to meditate and realized that the thought of wanting to kill myself was not wanting to kill the experience, but actually the miserable thought stories i had created around my life. 

today at school i was getting miserable because i created this whole story about how my girlfriend didnt love me anymore, i tend to be very sensitive haha. at lunch i went to the park across the street and sat alone on the grass 

i sat and layed down for a half hour very focused, and it finally clicked ALL THERE EVER HAS BEEN IS THIS EXPERIENCE, THE NOW

all the theory needs to be true and authentic to "the now"/experience or it cannot be true. i had been so lost in the theories i didnt even realize this for months which made me overthink everything

when i went back to class after lunch i met with my girlfriend and all my thoughts were now in the background not bothering me. i could finally also see her "in the now" and i felt the deepest sense of love and connection, the type ive only felt on acid trips. ive been able to delude myself into feeling lonely when i have a gf, im sure its because i havent been present enough to feel the connection, which is why i felt so detached

i have a long ways to go but this proved to me that all this has a meaningful and practical application to my daily life 

 

 

[creede]

Yes! You had a great insight!! The mind will do what it does to get you to forget what happened though, because it is a master manipulator. If you are serious about this work and getting out from under its spell I recommend a regular practice that includes writing, Writing is a great tool and having your insights preserved somewhere is beneficial when your mind is trying to take you down into suicidal depression.

To find how the mind jerks you around is the fun... and I mean fun loosely. Like fun scary!!! Like crazy roller coaster fun!

If you're watching it you'll see how mind will take your now insight and will incorporate it into its toolbox, as if it had designed it: by self-aggrandising you for having it, with thoughts like: oh, yeah man, I am so above everyone now, I am so cool, I get it, won't so and so be impressed, maybe I'll be a speaker some day, etc.

You can't get around it doing that, but you can observe it. And drop back into the present moment. This is the beginning of you starting to know your foe. The greatest weapon at your disposal is knowing this:

18 hours ago, UNZARI said:

i tend to be very sensitive haha

When you see the mind twisting you into a sensitive place, pull this out! With laughter, like this: Oh snap!!! there it is! My mind is twisting me into my old patterns of being sensitive.

Watching for this and being aware of this will be your greatest tool.

Mine is being deprived!!! It's so fun once you know what to watch for, I love to watch my mind get all bunched up when I don't respond to its deprived narrative.

You're on your way!!! Congratulations and welcome to the journey.

Edited February 9, 2019 by creede