How do you approach depressed people?

[Valach]

Hi,

I would be really glad if someone with experience could help me with this. Throughout the last year I noticed that big chunk of my (male) friends are very unhappy with their lives or straight up depressed. The problem is not a living condition for them as  they are all upper middle class europeans, but I just can't figure out how to actually help them. Because what I found is that even though things like meditation, or just self developtment in general could help them very much, those people usually do not react well, when I introduce them these ideas, so they are kinda stuck in this cycle of feeling poorly but because they feel that way they don't resonate with anything higher on the spectrum and thus they keep being depressed.

Has anyone of you either helped friend overcome this or anyone who used to be depressed and could me navigate how to actually help?

 

Thanks in advance for your answers

Edited February 8, 2019 by Valach

[Michael569]

They need to suffer more. An unconscious person will always look outward for help which means more materialism, more hedonism and eventually more depression. Let them know that you are there to help but leave it at that...the seed has been planted and now they need to suffer way more for them to be able to even listen to you. 

Also consider where on spiral dynamics are they sitting. Orange person sees meditation as something helping him to calm the nervous system, nothing else...and even on that they will be sceptical because there is "not enough double blind placebo trials"

[Aquarius]

First of all, stop labeling them as depressed in your mind. Stop seeing them as something broken that needs to be fixed. This includes how you see yourself as well, just in case.  

The trick lies in the intention. Maybe your friends don't want help, at least not in that form. You yourself also have to be in a very stable state of mind if you are planning to help them. It's hard enough for someone to help oneself, let alone others. It takes work and time. Don't ever mention meditation again if they don't want to hear about it. Show respect for their needs.

Stick to your values and let your actions speak louder than words. A person that is going through emotional difficulties doesn't want to hear that they need help. Mainly because sadness, anger and frustration in certain cases is natural, you never know what someone is going through. You only assume you know everything about them. What they might actually hear is "Hey, I can help you help yourself you just need to do this and this and this and this and that and that." and that doesn't feel right from a friend. It's preachy and unattractive. It's something you'd expect from a coach or a psychologist or a spiritual teacher. Not a friend. You get what I'm saying?  

A  friend needs support in whatever helps them feel a bit better. Crack a joke, actively listen to their problems, have a coffee with them and talk about their interests. And basically, be a decent human being. Meditation and self-development are YOUR goals, not theirs. Respect their lives. Find common ground.

Your intention is good though. Helping someone is the best thing you can do, just do it the corresponding way. 

Edited February 8, 2019 by Aquarius

[Elisabeth]

Be very slow and gentle with them. It's more important that you can listen than give advice. Some forms of depression are really a form of loneliness. They contain a very specific unconscious form of despair: "I can never try hard enough to be loved / seen / considered worthy." If you can make them feel heard and seen without any pressure on change, that is often what creates real hope. 

Mark Manson writes about why self-help sometimes doesn't help (see the first point) https://markmanson.net/self-help . 

[Leon_Mao]

As a depressed person I really don't know. From my own experience I wouldn't say I am a hedonist, I do like the outer pleasures of life at times; but honestly I can't motivate myself to go after sex, money, good food, ect. I know if I get those things the feeling will be fleeting, and won't be as good as I think they will be. I've ran into this pattern before. I mostly just sit at home and do nothing at all, not even watch TV, and if I do watch something on youtube or another platform I usually have it running in the background and don't pay attention to it. Meditation gave me more anxiety towards life than not as well, so I stopped doing it for now. I think if a person's truly depressed traditional self help and meditation might not work, though it depends on the sources of depression I imagine. Some people just need a good kick to get back at it others I don't know, like myself. Also medication related to depression and anxiety makes things worse. Not in the just feeling worse, but also hallucinations and homicidal thoughts. If you want to help your friends I think just being there for them would probably be the best you can do unless you can solve a root problem.

[Spiral]

Perhaps a bit of a cold approach but for me a key principle has for a long time been " You can't change people". So in other words if i were you i'd just look for new friends until the old ones come asking for advice/help. Things sometime have to get worse before they get better.

 

Edited February 8, 2019 by Spiral

[Salvijus]

There are no techneques that would help you here. You just have to be conscious enough to be able to navigate through their minds.

You have to be sensitive enough to feel when is the right moment to say, how much to say, what to say, etc. You will fail unless you're very conscious. 

[Valach]

Thank you so much for all the answers. I've written him that I am here for him and that I am willing to listen to him, but he responded with refusing help in a "You don't really care anyway" way. So I will leave it at my offer and see how things go.

[Aquarius]

@Valach You'll figure it out eventually.  Good luck!