5-MeO-DMT Medium* Dose Trip report

[Igor82]

As I’m writing this I have had about a week of integration due to being unable to post the trip report facing strong hindrance in my life and so I don’t really have a fresh memory of this experience. Most of the report was written by interpreting the video footage of me filming the experience (static camera).

Edit: I tried my best making this report as detailed as possible because I would actually find a lot of joy myself in reading detailed reports on how people subjectively would think/feel or behave during their trips: I fixed some grammar issues to make this more enjoyable to read!

I took the substance on the afternoon on 30th of January and I planned to take a heavy dose of 55mg’s as my previous dose of 45 mg’s proved to be a “medium” dose. This experience was defiantly more intense, but now I realize that a heavy dose is was beyond this, so I rescaled this one to be a medium dose. I also had some problems with diluting the substance into the water, so the dose was most probably smaller than I desired.

I plugged the substance in a moderate set and setting but I was not at my peak, I didn’t enter the experience with full strength as the days prior to this experience I was suffering a backlash in my work.

 

• The report:
• After administration, I went down to lay on my bed committed to totally surrender. 
• As I kept surrendering the excitement went away, and in my meditative awareness, the fear I had in expectation to the experience also went away.
• Thoughts came up, the monkey mind came up just like in a normal mediation session, they were more hasty than normal, but as they were so familiar I started thinking that the substance was not taking effect.
• As I kept surrendering, just more thoughts came up! I kept surrendering thinking that the substance has not really taken effect, because my expectation that was based on the prior trip of 45mg was that the thoughts would somehow disappear as awareness would come forth and I expected that to be quite pleasant, I was wrong.
• More thoughts came up, but they started getting more and more disturbing but as I surrendered into them, I felt frustration gradually building up in my chest and the thoughts that came up to justify this was that “I didn’t break through”, “Why did this happen, such a waste of time!” The frustration didn’t leave, and as it was only 20 minutes in, I kept surrendering. 
• I was very frustrated that “this” was the peak because I had a different expectation of it. The thoughts became increasingly disturbing, depicting my body being tared apart or being pulverized, for example, a sensation in my neck would provoke a thought of my head being dragged away from my body resulting in a pretty graphic scene. These types of thoughts were very bearable and easy to surrender into and I tried to surrender as much as possible into this.
• There was this deep sense of frustration and hate “coming from” a strong sense of masculine energy that kept building up inside my chest (the energy being like the reptilian energy of being able to kill someone without regrets), was permeating my thoughts and being projected onto them! 
• I was completely incapable of summoning love at this point. If I would have faced Mohammad Ali with this rage, he would completely beat me up, I wouldn’t even perform properly, but I would fight until the last twitch, never admitting defeat!
• At one point as I tried surrendering into the raging sensation in my chest, a sudden thought of a very disturbing face making a very disturbing smile caught me off guard and frightened me. I managed to surrender into the fear and it quickly subsided.
• I slowly started getting more aware of what my thoughts were and I noticed the untenableness of how my frustration being directed towards a certain reason or thing. I then quickly realized that the ego was trying to backlash the awareness that was arising, and this became obvious as the cravings started to arise;
• The cravings were bizarre, in order to suppress my high awareness, I started craving chugging a liter of vodka or going for a rapid PMO marathon, and as I urged to visualize about my fetishes, they just became completely untenable! I knew that the cravings would be compelling with my current level of awareness but then I actually reacted against the cravings as much as I reacted against everything! At that moment I hated everything and I had this deep and sheer sense of frustration and hate, I would be able to do anything that you would call bad: The devil within me came forth and I would be able to kill a puppy or heavily sabotage myself just because there lied some deep, deep devilish joy in those actions (a very shallow but very compelling joy, and a deep desire to suppress the awareness).
• My body started moving by itself, almost like moving by the force of habit, unexpectedly, unintended, and it used this way of moving to keep me distracted and unable to sit still and surrender. I started moving my head in certain motions, moving myself, speaking, talking, thinking, and I noticed that this was all happening in a fluid motion to just keep me from stillness. I was occasionally reminded to “Surrender!” and at those points, I relaxed my whole body for a few seconds, but then I got reabsorbed into the process of distracting the awareness. My body was in fact still most of the time, but my mind was chaos, most of the distraction mechanisms occurred in my mind, such as racing thoughts, fantasies and cravings. At the peak, I moved my body about 15% of the time.
• As I started to come down, the backlash had its opportunity to become stronger as I started to regain my energy, but my willpower was getting weaker and my inner strength slowly started giving up on surrendering into the experience, and so the backlash started expressing itself more physically. I started throwing hate speech at the world, expressing my hate trough words. I have never meant “I fucking hate you!” like in that moment as ever before.
• From being in my mind while sitting still as I was still stying to observe the frustration and surrender into it (for therapeutical purposes), I shifted my behavior to having occasional energetic releases of hatred and rage verbally and physically. I would smash my first really hard into my bed or violently shaking my head. It's hurting my ego to rewatch the video footage as it's hard for me to swallow how much of a devil I was in that moment and how much I meant those words. I have never had such a deep hatred in my whole life! As I sat there, being aware of the iPad filming, I expressed most of my verbal hatred to the camera, but then I also tried to report on the experience and on how it felt. I said things like "Every fiber of my body is resisting it" and “I fucking hate it!!”
• At one point I performed some weird body movements which put me in freaky bodily position which you would only see in a scary movie; I wrapped my arms tightly around my head with my legs strongly locked in the fetus position, and in this position I faced a short burst of my fear of the dark and of thight spaces, this fear was compelling and caused me to shortly release the grip.
• At the one hour mark, the immense frustration started to wear off as the awareness coming from the substance was at the end of the comedown, I started having thoughts of like “Eat bananas” or “let's go do something fun!”. Joy started appearing, but the backlash and the frustration was still lingering, you can say that my higher self was starting to invade the devil piece by piece, and it kind of took the role of the observer, so as I did do my devilish stuff, I did also react to them right after in a more normal manner like “Oh, how immature” “Oh, what a devil!”. Even though I was coming down like this, I would still lay on the bed for the next 30 minutes, but this time just more like explaining to the camera the situation that I was in. Nothing special happened after that except that I communicated some good insights and displayed some the last ounce of rage until I was capable of cleaning up the mess and go on about. A minor state of frustration did linger after that experience for a couple of hours, and this anger would be showing up randomly in short bursts throughout the next couple of days.

 

• Insights: (These are the raw juicy notes that I wrote right after the experience).
• How am I supposed to surrender when the ego shows all of this resistance? The resistance arose as spontaneous urges, almost uncontrollable movements, it was like a force of nature that required a very powerful ability to surrender into in order to actually surrender into! It also takes away everything positive while throwing in a lot of frustration, anger, urges to kill people, urges to kill myself, urges to smash my hand so hard into the wall so hard that it breaks, and urges to scream.
• The hate is automatic, its more automatic that instincts or habits, the hate for awareness lies at the rock bottom of the ego, and its gonna show up in the eyes of awareness no matter what you do. It will happen. (Of course, you won't backlash as hard from just one meditation session)
• I can see where this is going and I now have a better picture of the actual awareness at play. The awareness just reveals more of the ego and what's going on, but the awareness does not change anything, it just makes you more "aware", it has no attributes really, but its here, it's not some "glorious sensation", its always going on! Its nothing, I can’t really describe the thing that makes me more aware, I can’t put my finger on the awareness.
• This was like 0.1 % of the 5-MeO potential, and the "Hell" would be this experience that I now had times 10x, like constant superior frustration, that kind of frustration you experience when your doing yoga and it all goes to hell, and now take that short burst of frustration and prolong it into a full 30 minutes. To be able to endure this, you must enter from a position of strength and really be expecting hell, not expecting anything else, especially not rainbows and butterflies.
• I got very strong cravings, fulfilling these would make me the most unaware!
• I got to know how immature I am. Im living with this veil of "the lifestyle" I have built up with love here and love there, and then you take the substance and the ego flips a switch and the veil unravels to show an ego going beast mode, and at that moment you can really see the devil inside of you. I also saw how it turned around some of my otherwise obvious insights, 180degrees. 
• I wanted to hurt myself just to hurt myself, I wanted to fap (in that moment I knew it was pointless), but I wanted to do it JUST for the reason to hurt myself, and It kind of had this evil sense of joy to it, a joy rooted deep within.
• I had a glimpse of that the ego wants to suppress awareness because the main point is that it does not want to get aware of itself, if that happens, you have the sufficient awareness to see consciousness for what it is, because you can see that the ego is a lie, (if the ego is a lie = you are reality)
• I have a much better taste for how im going to die, and it's not merely a "pleasant sensation" that I might hope to obtain, but its gonna be hell on earth for me.
• Im either nondual or im not, and if I am not, then im run by a mechanism that is inherently devilish (made to surepress awareness). This mechanism is not me! Im not controlling it, im controlling its design as much as im controlling the design of my hand. Its just happening without controll, but it sure is designed to feel like im controlling it! The line between nonduality and duality is infinitely small. You’re either a god or a devil.
• Thoughts are there to make you unaware, and so you can never relate to awareness trough thoughts! Thoughts are there to distract you from awareness because with sufficient awareness you see the bigger picture of that thought is false! Thoughts are rooted in the fear of death.
• The ego will fight till its last moments so Ill better take a huge dose to kill it quickly. It will fight no matter what, and of course, you can attempt to surrender but surrender with a guarantee of death is much more worth it.
• The sheer hate that spawned in me was astounding. The ego cant encapsulate awareness, so it cant really direct hate towards awareness itself, but the hate was still there, without a direction to go, so it makes sense for the hate to be projected but I did feel like the hate came from nowhere, the more aware I got in that moment the more I got filled with hate.
• The ego threw continuous distractions and urges just to keep me moving, just keep me from being still. I did catch myself a few times and went into surrender mode again, but as soon as I did that more urges came! The urges came like a machine gun that never stops, that never indicates that it's out of ammunition or that it's ever gonna stop, like whatever threw these cravings was fighting ferociously for its life.
• Some fears came up, some "surprises" that frightened me, like very vivid images of scary faces and really scary facial-expressions, mainly scary smiles. I also curled myself at one point into my arms and legs, and at that point, I felt claustrophobic and afraid.
• I had this extreme surge of masculine energy (in a bad way), like full-on reptilian killing energy mode. I attempted to release this energy trough doing pushups, but the result was that I actually did fewer pushups than normal!
• Why do I have to enter this experience with strength and energy? Well, the energy makes me more aware in general, it connects me to my higher self which in turn makes me more capable of surrendering and being more aware. I must approach the torture chamber like a strongman and not like as wimp.

 

The integration has produced rapid growth. I now that I defiantly don’t understand who I am, but I have glimpsed a part of the mechanism that is constructing the illusion, I defiantly know that there is a big devil waiting inside of me, and the ego can just flip a switch, it can flip a switch anytime it wants and that fact makes this very humbling. Im more mature with my fears, and im actually excited to do the next dose (gotta buy some lube for that), just to experience hell, but I think it might be a little smarter to go for the breakthrough. This kind of frustration came forth one day after the experience in the form of masculine energy like I could kill stuff but simountainiously I would fall in love with everything around me, and the experience of these two forces joining really brought up a new point for me to aim for. My old expectations of ego death have been completely shattered, I would even take back some things I said in the 45mg report, and my conceptual understanding of enlightenment itself has changed a bit (Towards the right direction). Now it's utterly untenable for me to even think that I know for sure what “enlightenment is like” or “what awareness is”. Even my memories are untenable.

 

Next time I will administer 60mg’s with a better way to actually get all of that 60mg’s into my body (If successful, that would probably be a breakthrough dose). I will do that from a position of strength in a good set and setting. This will require for me to get a grip on my lifestyle again so I might postpone this for a week or two... And there is soo much more work to do...

Thank you for reading 

Edited February 7, 2019 by Igor82
Grammar Issues

[Leo Gura]

Small to medium doses of 5-MeO-DMT can be more uncomfortable and frustrating than large doses. Because with a large dose the ego is just effortlessly wiped out.

At smaller doses the ego tends to fight back.

But for me, a 20mg dose is full God consciousness. I'm not sure why some of you need such high doses to get a breakthrough.

[Arthur]

Amazing report! You are very articulate.

Getting closer every time! 

I'll add a small note. Maybe recording yourself and analyzing the experience too much is not always great. If I did that, it would have put a lot of pressure on me. Just try to be alone with the experience, especially the breakthrough. Don't be too critical of yourself. Be as you are and let it come. Focus all energy on surrendering to Hell, and the Heaven will come.

Godspeed.

[Igor82]

@Leo Gura Thanks, Leo! Btw, your recent video about God is amazing, I really liked it <3

@Arthur Thank you! 

Im is actually very comfortable being around the camera as I have filmed countless videos with it. It's not a matter of pressure for me anymore, its just a matter of habit or if I would distract myself. Actually, the camera gives me a feeling of being safe, like I love the fact that something is looking from the external perspective and recording it! Especially the camera as its very neutral. Im also excited to film the breakthrough! 

 

[Sempiternity]

5 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

But for me, a 20mg dose is full God consciousness. I'm not sure why some of you need such high doses to get a breakthrough.

@Leo Gura   I've been wondering the same thing. When I did my first try, 22 mg was a really low dose. I saw here that there was a recent influx of 5-Meo on the market, after a long dry spell? Maybe this new batch that they're now selling is just weaker. 

[Leo Gura]

27 minutes ago, Jed Vassallo said:

@Leo Gura   I've been wondering the same thing. When I did my first try, 22 mg was a really low dose. I saw here that there was a recent influx of 5-Meo on the market, after a long dry spell? Maybe this new batch that they're now selling is just weaker. 

No, I know from experience that people react to 5-MeO-DMT very differently than me.

I think difference in brain types accounts for it. I have a very metaphysically-oriented mind and personality. Most people are just not like that.

[Girzo]

I would bet on physiological causes. Maybe different MAOi levels or some other factor.

It's similar situation to DPT were 60 mg is enough for some people to trip hard and others need 100 mg or even more, up to 200 mg.

I guess the same dynamic can apply to 5-MeO-DMT.

[Scholar]

13 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

No, I know from experience that people react to 5-MeO-DMT very differently than me.

I think difference in brain types accounts for it. I have a very metaphysically-oriented mind and personality. Most people are just not like that.

How does one know whether one has a metaphysically-oriented mind and personality?

[Leo Gura]

@Scholar If you gotta ask, then you don't.

[tedens]

If he feels need for self actualization.