18 year relationship breakup help

[WhatIsLifeneway]

Hi guys so here I am 18 years in and 3 kids we still love each other but things fell apart for us in the last year or so just all the little things built up and before we knew it we were bitching and blaming each other and unhappy and although we keep coming back together I just dont feel right and it hurts both of us with these on off feelings and I just can't hurt her anymore I think we had a slight unhealthy relationship in that we were full on and did everything together and didn't have our own lives as such.. and now I feel like I spend such effort on it its exhausting and it I'm always thinking about it and evaluating it. I need to find myself and be happy as an individual then who knows but I'm scared because I see the hurt from trying to get over even short relationships so how do you move on from your soulmate when u k ow in your heart it's the thing to do?

[Consept]

Tough one as there are kids involved, but i think what has happened is that youve lost who you are, probably both of you have become defined by the relationship. At there best you shouldnt need a relationship it should be something to help you grow, but if you stop growing and try and keep the status quo of what you think your relationship should be you can run into trouble. Especially if it wasnt completely healthy in the first place.

Either way you need a break, you need some time to re-evaluate who you are by yourself and what will make you happy, your partner will most likely need this as well. The only thing stopping you would be fear and thats never a good motivation for anything. It may seem like the loving thing to do is to stay and work it out but its counter-intuitive. Its like if your making a piece of music and have been in the studio 12 hours straight, it may seem like you really care if you just dont sleep and keep going, but actually the piece will be much better if youre rested and have a fresh set of ears to hear what you need to work on. The same with your situation the actual caring thing to do is to take a step back and give your brain time to rest. Always make sure youre in a situation that can make you content and if you are that will trickle down to everyone else, trying to do it the other way is always an uphill battle

[Elisabeth]

I'm afraid there is no one-size-fits-all approach that will tell you if you should leave or work on the relationship. Couples counselling can help  sometimes.

As a suggestion, I wonder if it would be possible for you to get more independent and happier without breaking up altogether. I remember an article aimed at couples who want to open up their relationship which gave a 1-2-3 formula for doing that.

(I quote from https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49 . This is not a nudge to "open up", just a little wisdom from a non-monogamous person, that might be inspiring to you.)

Quote

 

Disentanglement will help 90% of that go away. And it’s rather simple. And you can do it all before you ever go on a single date.

Step 1

Pick a night, any night, and leave. That’s right, it’s your night. If you picked Tuesday, go Taco it up at the local La Hacienda!

They pick a night, too. They picked Thursday, then off to karaoke it is!

You can go with friends, you can go alone. But you CANNOT go with your partner. Your partner doesn’t have to stay home, but they can’t come along.

Another rule, you can’t both pick the same night. Nice try, but you each have to get a separate night out. This helps later on so you don’t fall into “You can’t date tonight because I don’t have a date tonight, and we only go out when we can both go out!” That’s a hole of despair and control you do NOT want to go down!

And here’s a fun twist once you get the hang of it? Try NOT asking where the person is going or who they are going with until they get back!

That’s right, you too can build up those trust muscles using nights to assert each other's’ personal individuality.

Step 2

Make the night random. Heck, throw in a weekend night here or there.

Make it so that no night of the week is safe from going out and having fun. Yes, parents, you too can do this. It means your partner is staying home with the kids. It will also fight off your codependence as a parent and allow your kids to know they’ll survive without you too. And, they will, trust me.

At this point, your partner and you are still just going out once a week, to visit friends, to watch a movie, to have a meal. But… NOT DATING.

Step 3

Get comfortable having to ask each other for date nights.

Suddenly, you’ll find that you and your partner are actually planning your own date nights again.

Listen to what I said, bored married couples. You and your partner now have to ask, “Can we go out together Saturday night, catch some dinner together, and maybe go to the…”

Once you find yourselves asking each other for permission for that date night, because they can no longer assume they own all your time on all your days, get very comfortable with that.

It’s a simple step. You do remember how to date, right? You might even get lucky with one another! ;)

 

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[WhatIsLifeneway]

@Consept wow thanks for taking the time out to comment that's makes perfect sense and is really really good advise it sums up how I feel -  like in my heart it's the right thing to do and I make my mind up but fear and uncertainty creep in at night or in the morning and I think wow what are you doing it's so hard to change the life as you know it and then we rekindle and it feels ok again for a bit. But just like that I dont feel right and cant hide it so it's like I've flicked a switch and turned it off then i put up a wall because I dont want to hurt us anymore and it hurts because it's so sudden were still living together with kids and sleep in the same bed but I'm emotionless just like that. I feel so heartless I'm hurting us both like this

[WhatIsLifeneway]

@Elisabeth  that's is a great way of building things back up and gaining independence and confidence in a relationship and I will bear it in mind unfortunately I cant rekindle and hurt her again it's so unfair, hurtful and draining. Thanks for this though I've not seen this method before and I'm sure it could benefit people who read it

[ajasatya]

@WhatIsLifeneway it's a harsh thing to say but no intimate relationship works well if you want to be satisfied. you gotta find your internal source of beauty and feed on it. it's INFINITE.

 

[Elisabeth]

@WhatIsLifeneway It seems like the spark is gone for you then. 

After 18 years ... within a year ... did something specific happen? Is there unresolved pain from somethig you can't forgive? Or did you change fast?

(I'm just curious, but also I think this is a good thing to become conscious of if you can. I have no idea, my longest relationship is 5years.)

[WhatIsLifeneway]

12 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

@WhatIsLifeneway It seems like the spark is gone for you then. 

After 18 years ... within a year ... did something specific happen? Is there unresolved pain from somethig you can't forgive? Or did you change fast?

(I'm just curious, but also I think this is a good thing to become conscious of if you can. I have no idea, my longest relationship is 5years.)

@Elisabeth  I cant say the spark is gone, say it fell apart within a year but there were probably things way before that and there was an affair on her part but I think we both got so run down and depressed and didnt realise with issues with the kids and life and we didnt listen to each other and just talked at each other I put my head in the sand and then one day she said maybe we should have a break I called her bluff and said I'm looking at a place of my own and didnt know she had been confiding to a Male friend in work who she slept with. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I found out and she was genuinely remorseful and ended all contact I eventually moved out for a bit but ended up with terrible anxiety and eventually depression because our lives were so intertwined with the kids I didnt know who I was anymore and what to do eventually I moved back in and we have worked at it but I keep ruminating on things and seemed to have lost who I am. The anxiety has been terrible at times and when were ok I will probably ruminate and feel all the emotions again and it ruins it. This is the only life I've known and I guess I'm scared and confused but that's why concepts reply resonated with me bit of a long one and hard to put your life into a comment but hopefully this gives you a better insight

[Elisabeth]

@WhatIsLifeneway Sounds complicated  

I can only reiterate that western psychotherapy is meant to give support in these kinds of confusing situations. It won't "save" you or tell you what to do, but you do get to talk it out in total privacy, get relief from pressure and new perspectives. I'm sure you can deal without as well, but having a good therapist goes a long way in reclaiming your life quickly.

Edited February 7, 2019 by Elisabeth

[Gabriel Antonio]

I feel for you. I can’t give any advice, because I never went through something like that. Well, as a matter of fact, your story reminds me of my parents’ divorce when I was 9.

I think you should do some research on how to tell your kids about the breaking up. In my case, my dad was never straight-forward about what was going, and that created inner wounds in me... He also told things like, “Nothing’s gonna change.” But they did change a lot. Anyway, this might help:

https://www.parents.com/parenting/divorce/children/how-to-tell-your-kids-that-you-are-getting-a-divorce/

It would also be a good idea to talk with a psychologist to handle the situation as best as possible. I know it’s hard and painful, but remember that:

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.”

As I said, I can only talk about the kids’ perspective, but I agree with what @Consept said.

All the best! 

Edited February 8, 2019 by Gabriel Antonio