Ranty rant :) Clearing my mind up, appreciate any comments

[Matt23]

Hey.  Here is a brain dump of how I'm feeling and thinking.  I think this is mostly for me to sort out things for myself, but I'd also appreciate any feedback.  I think I might be getting some more awareness and ideas about what I could be doing differently, but I'd still appreciate some other opinions.

I did the life purpose course, and have been studying and practicing spirituality (meditation daily for almost 4 years, light self-inquiry for little over a year, and a few retreats including going to Peter Ralson's, as well as some psychedelics) and have seen some progress.  

I'm having motivation issues for sure, as well as emotional issues (depressed, anxious, hopelessness, etc.).  I feel more capable than I have and feel like I've grown a bit over the past year or two.  

I still keep feeling stuck though.  I try to improve myself, study, work out, meditate, etc., but there comes a point where I have this huge resistance and lack of motivation to do it.  I also don't feel very passionate about anything.   

I'm starting to see that I'm spending lots of time doing this work alone.  I think, for me, this isn't probably the best, as I end up usually getting distracted, bored, and feeling really unmotivated, then going into unhealthy behaviors.  I notice that I function better in a community atmosphere where I can get more human interaction and connection.  

I'm male, but I'd say I probably have a female essence/psychology (if you've read David Deida's book The Way of the Superior Man, he talks about that distinction), and I think I need (at this point) more human contact, intimacy, love, and belonging.  I love and yearn for a close friend group where we do things together in intimate settings (like small dinners or trips) where we really can discuss, open up, talk, snuggle, and connect.  

This is a big contrast to how I've been living for a loooonnnnggggg time, which has been characterized by isolation, little to no relationships (definitely not intimate or close relationships).  

I've been focusing on the life purpose course and spiritual work over the past few years, and still feel lacking, emotionally and psychologically unhealthy, and feel like I should put more focus into creating meaningful relationships.  Though, I've heard from some that this is a distraction, I think for me it's a big thing that I need as I might not have even got that far ever (perhaps due to childhood traumas etc).  

I try to work on my life purpose daily, but it's soooooooo hard.  haha... it's like I'm so not interested in it.  My motivation just isn't there.  Part of me thinks it could be due to not getting enough of my basic needs met (I'm also 26, probably gay, but have never had sex or a relationship with a man), which might be why I'm finding it such a grind.

I feel like my heart aches so much and is not getting enough love, comfort, or belonging that I rally need it.  I don't think I'm mature enough psychologically or spiritually to disregard relationships and those other basic needs (like love, self-esteem, and belonging).  I'm a little afraid that this lack of love, intimacy, and close meainingful relationships and the heartache resulting from this could actually be damaging to my health physically.  

Anyways, I'm writing this to clear things up in my own mind and welcome any thoughts or suggestions.

I'd also love to hear something from someone (male or female) who has a more feminine energy and how they negotiate between love and relationships with life purpose and spirituality. 

One of the things that always gets me emotional is thinking how I just want people to be together.  Strangely, that didn't come up in the life purpose course, but it's definitely something I want for others.  Anytime I read or hear about wars or conflicts between people(s) I feel a very deep sense of sadness.  We're all one thing, and I want people to be happy together.

For all Leo and other teachers have done for me, I feel like I was conditioned to be a masculine type of person and denied my true feminine essence, and lots of that self-help (as far as I've seen) is very masculine in its delivery.  Too put it short, I'm sick and tired of grinding it out and feel like something's not working for me.  This disciplined, Stoic, grinding, hard-work attitude has it's benefits for sure (and I owe lots from it).  But at this point I feel like it's just dried me up and I'm not getting anything back from it.  I don't feel alive or full of love.  I feel dry, weak, and frail.  

I might be painting it worse than it actually is, but that's how I feel about it.  Things are actually better than they have been and I feel a subtle yet stronger sense of my capabilities.

[rabbitat]

It's hard to understand why we would embrace radical self love and or universal love yet not allow ourselves to share intimacy with another if that's what we truly wanted. I often wonder if the difference is in understanding we do not need it, as infinite love is something we can experience on our own, rather we chose to express it in the body. The question being, does the practice of creating "meaningful relationships" where "self esteem, belonging and intimacy" align with your vision of "self-help, life purpose and spirituality". If you're assigning meaning to your "life purpose", what would be the difference in assigning meaning to expressing your feminine love in an outwardly way so that you may connect in groups and experience the body?

Imagine what the world as we know it would look like without intimacy, without feminine energy? The illusion would be much different. Are we going to transcend the body in such a way we are 100% aware/conscious 100% of the time? Perhaps. But is there nothing to be gained/experienced in the body (i.e. body awareness, cellular memory, etc.). I personally believe in experiencing the body through intimacy and believe it's possible to do so and continue your own path of spiritual growth. We are probably at different stages. ::)) 

[Gog]

£6

[Draconis Chaser]

@Matt23

You know, for the longest part of my life I've been feeling the exact same. Lost, alone AND lonely, unloved, ugly, stupid (this was huge), incapable to do anything right (another huge one), so I understand you very well. The motivation to do just about anything is simply not there..

What I realized, however, is that it never really comes. You have to build it from the ground up. And I believe it is so for pretty much anything, love, career and relationships included.

So,  on the point of motivation, I would urge you to start small. Real small. If your goal is to, say, run 5 km every day, start by walking 500 m. But do that daily. It will build your momentum so much, at one point it will be easier to do it then skip out.  And at one point you're going to fail. Life happens, you get busy, your momentum will dissipate, and when that happens, you have to be wise enough to recognize  it for what it is. I like to think of a graph of a damped oscillation (at least I hope that's what it's called in English, there is a picture below). 

So you start from zero motivation, force yourself to do the things you know you need to, and then you build your momentum really hard, you work on it daily, you get some results, life's going better. Then the same life happens, you are busy, you get into a time-crunch, you miss out, you feel bad, the momentum starts going down. Again you don't feel like doing shit, and your performance drops, except now you are below zero, and even worse then when you began this whole thing. So that is the point where it take hard work and discipline to get first to zero, and then to surpass it. From that point on, it becomes easier until life happens again, and the cycle starts anew. 

The wise thing in all this is to see is that, even if you have to crawl your way back from the negative into the zero and eventually into a positive, and if it takes you weeks just to get to the previous starting point, you are still making progress. And huge one at that. The real success is not measured by your achievements, but by the character you develop along the way. And eventually, those fluctuations reach a steady state (which at the graph is zero, but you get my point). At one point, it will become a habit to do what you wanted to do and it will keep itself in that steady state. Because then it takes more effort to not do it, then to do it. 

And also, I think you have to develop the love for yourself first. Yes, friends are nice, a loving partner is nice, a good family is nice, but at the end of the day - the only one you have to the very end is you. And you should build this relationship that you want with yourself, so when the low strikes, you have that feminine, caring voice inside of you to reassure you and comfort you. And when you are being lazy, you have that masculine voice to train you and push you further. You become your own best friend. And together you go and bring all the people together.  

I hope you find this a bit reassuring.  

Lots of love!
Draconis

     

 

And here is the graph: 

  

[Gog]

Get up

[Matt23]

Thanks for all of your advice.  I feel comforted by having a place to talk about things and have people's opinions and support (or sometimes not :P).  

@rabbitat I'm not 100% sure I understand what you're saying.  It seems to me like your saying that pursuing spirituality and intimacy in relationships go hand in hand, as well as life purpose.  If so, I'd agree.  I'm aiming to try to create synchronicity between all those aspects so that it all flows easier.  At the moment my life is a bit more segmented.  

And yeah, we're probably at different stages.  

@Draconis Chaser Thanks!  Yeah, that all makes sense.  I think I was going through a mini ego-backlash/victim phase there.  I think I new what to do, but felt like getting it out.  I like your advice with balancing the feminine and masculine as well as developing a loving relationship with myself first.  I think I definitely do have lots of parts I have to accept in myself.  But I also find that part of that self-love is developing those relationships even if I haven't yet developed lots of love for myself yet.  I see it as working the two parts at the same time; self-love and building relationships.

Thanks for the thoughts.

@Gog Yeah, there's some of that too    Thanks.

[Gabriel Antonio]

On 06/02/2019 at 6:03 AM, Matt23 said:

I'm starting to see that I'm spending lots of time doing this work alone.  I think, for me, this isn't probably the best, as I end up usually getting distracted, bored, and feeling really unmotivated, then going into unhealthy behaviors.  I notice that I function better in a community atmosphere where I can get more human interaction and connection.  

I'm male, but I'd say I probably have a female essence/psychology (if you've read David Deida's book The Way of the Superior Man, he talks about that distinction), and I think I need (at this point) more human contact, intimacy, love, and belonging.  I love and yearn for a close friend group where we do things together in intimate settings (like small dinners or trips) where we really can discuss, open up, talk, snuggle, and connect.  

???