Waking up ego attached

[BIggleswerth]

Hello community,

I've been meditating a lot recently. There was a high point where I felt like I became aware of my awareness 2 weeks go. Then immediately after that I got wayyy to high on marijuana (stupid idea, won't do again!) and afterwards I felt really shitty mostly because of the migraines it triggered. For that week I was kind of addicted to thoughts and a stupid web game, feeling shitty kind of made me feel like I didn't have the effort to raise my awareness.

Migraines are significantly better this week. I've been meditating everyday with varying success. Yesterday I meditated for 1.5 hours but maybe only 1/3 of that was deep concentration on the breath. 

I do notice that today and other days I wake up kind of "ego attached". What I mean by "ego attached" is, I will mindlessly follow thoughts in like an endless pattern until I snap out of it. Sometimes this leads to waste a bunch of time browsing reddit, or waste time worrying about some situation out of my control, etc. Specifically when waking up though, is a little different. I feel like maybe it's because i'm dreaming ego attached and I just wake up ego attached as well. Or I feel shitty waking up and that makes me want to retreat my mindfulness.

Despite waking up that way, I took a mindful walk and now see that thoughts are not mine and if I don't identify with them, I can choose another focus or let them go and be at peace. 

I'm just curious if anyone else has had a similar experience especially with the waking up mindless and having to use some practice to switch into a more mindful state during the day, and if so did things get better with time? Thanks.

Edited February 5, 2019 by BIggleswerth

[Nahm]

@BIggleswerth Welcome to the forum! Heck of a first post. Sounds like you’re doing well with meditation.  I would do a few minutes or so of self inquiry right when you wake up. Awareness of awareness (I prior to thoughts) will take less and less time to ‘return to’.  Consider self inquiring through out the day as well.

”This place is a dream, only a sleeper considers it real. Then death comes like dawn, and you wake up laughing at what you thought was your grief.”        - Rumi

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

Sounds like Good advice from@Nahm

@BIggleswerth

How you frame this matches my path quite a bit. Which is practicing 3 centered awareness. Every morning I have to put together three centered awareness.

The following is a 3 Centered Prayer/Meditation that I use. You can leave off the “Lord Help Me”; “Lord Help Us”; “Lord Have Mercy” if you choose and it still works ,,,

Become aware of the natural flow of your breathing for a few breaths, noting the sensation or presence of the physical body as the air comes in and goes out. Relax the body as you breathe out.

Let a feeling of gratitude or wonder arise. Relax into a feeling of gratitude or wonder for life or for whatever you may feel gratitude for. Do this for a few more breathes.

For the next few breaths, say inwardly “I”, as you inhale, breathing with the intention of taking in finer energies or substances in the air and feeling a connection to Higher help. When you breathe out say inwardly “AM”, with an awareness of your whole body physical presence.

Finish in three breaths with Inner words. “Lord Help Me”; “Lord Help Us”; “Lord Have Mercy”

The exercise itself is a form of self-remembering — returning from “all these other things” back to myself.  Its aim is to practice three-centered awareness — observing (seeing), sensing, feeling. Engaging all three centers and having a sense of whole body awareness is essential. Activating gratitude, wonder, our being, or our own inner poverty and need for higher help — all are good catalysts for self-remembering.

??‍♂️