How can I tell the difference between spiritual purification and raw negativity?

[lmfao]

There are times when meditation seems to cause strong feelings of nihilism and meaninglessness to surface. Yesterday I did a guided meditation with chanting and etc, and felt great afterwards.

However today for example though, I thought I'd do a 50 minute SDS since I haven't done strong determination sitting in a long time. I just closed my eyes, stayed still in a silent environment. The whole thing felt very emotionally draining. Shortly afterwards I felt extremely deflated, but now (1 hour afterwards) im feeling better but still low. 

The thing is, I'm heavily addicted to stimulation.I'm 18 right now, have been trying to implement a daily meditation habit for 11 months now or so now. At the very least I've probably missed 45% of days. My idea of how many days i've missed is very rough, I have no clue. I know that since the age of 11 or 12 I've used various forms of technology, and also food but to a smaller degree, to escape negative emotions. It's very deeply ingrained in me. 

I just seek more and more and more stimulation. If I'm doing coursework or something, I'll put something in the background on my laptop on youtube or another website. It doesn't matter if I'm paying attention to the background stimulation, the mere presence of it is something I seem to be addicted to and it puts me in a false sense of ease I guess. It's because of my addiction to stimulation that I've done many meditation sessions which are guided or I'll meditate with sounds in the background. I've been using stimulation as a crutch for meditation. 

If I cease the stimulation and push myself to meditate in a SDS, I'll feel negative afterwards. I cant tell if this negativity is a sign of purification or just a sign of me worsening things, you know? Everything feels bland. My existence is ultimately not going anywhere. I feel as though it's easy enough for me loosen my psychological structure, but doing so acutely exposes me to negative emotions. It's almost as though I go too deep with meditation and bite off more than I can chew. Anytime I meditate its like going from 0 to 100. How does one smoothly go straight from having their mind occupied with the mundane to confronting the foundations of reality? Like right now, I'm trying to mindful of this negative emotion in my stomach which seems to always be there. Whilst for a split second or so I'll see through the illusion of it, my awareness will get lost in Maya again. It feels like a very uphill process.

Edited February 5, 2019 by lmfao

[Anton Rogachevski]

Hello there,

That is the ultimate question really, why is there emptiness, and how to deal with it?

Yes, this is purification, and it's very good that these emotions come up, that means your subconscious mind allowed them to come up, because it sees you are ready. It didn't come outta nowhere, it was there lodged and it was poisoning you, but now it purges.

Try sedona method, amazingly powerful!

It seems like you are a very serious seeker, and you want to see results. In this work it's better to detach from results entirely, and see that you can't really do anything about the negativity that arises, and the emptiness that is aching. Only love it, as unconditionally as the sun loves its' planets.

You can't let go of all stimulation at once, or your psyche will rebel. It will wither off by itself once the emptiness is healed.

Prayer helps. Ask god for help and guidance. Best one I know:

"Your will be done."

Edited February 5, 2019 by Anton Rogachevski

[Leo Gura]

@lmfao Try not to practice spirituality so robotically. The key is CONSCIOUSNESS. If you're feeling suffering, then that in itself is a huge sign of unconsciousness. Rather than bulling your way through it, try to look at it with consciousness and see what that suffering is really about? Why are you suffering? What is the purpose of it? Try to observe suffering the way you might inspect a beautiful butterfly under a magnifying glass. If the suffering is making you compulsive and reactive, your mindfulness of is breaking.

The difference between healthy and unhealthy suffering is consciousness. When you suffering unconsciously, you basically don't grow much from it and it can become damaging. When you suffer consciously, that's when spiritual purification happens and it is healing.

Also, be kind to yourself, be loving to yourself. You're doing great for someone your age. Watch out of harsh negative self-talk.

[Mu_]

I'm gonna say something a little different since your so young.  What is it your trying to awaken from?  Do you have a grasp on life as a normal 18 year old?  Do you feel like you've seen a lot of the world?  Relationships, work, volunteered helping people with less than yourself, supported yourself.  I do wonder if having little exposure to world before doing spiritual practice is a good thing (it still may be).   Nothing wrong with having some meditation, some yoga practice, some basic inquiry, but nothing to serious.  This is of course unless your heart and intuition are heavily pulling you that way.

Edited February 5, 2019 by Mu_

[lmfao]

@Anton Rogachevski yeah detaching from results is the best thing to do. 

16 hours ago, Anton Rogachevski said:

You can't let go of all stimulation at once, or your psyche will rebel. It will wither off by itself once the emptiness is healed.

Good advice.

@Leo Gura

16 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@lmfao Try not to practice spirituality so robotically. The key is CONSCIOUSNESS. If you're feeling suffering, then that in itself is a huge sign of unconsciousness. Rather than bulling your way through it, try to look at it with consciousness and see what that suffering is really about? Why are you suffering? What is the purpose of it? Try to observe suffering the way you might inspect a beautiful butterfly under a magnifying glass. If the suffering is making you compulsive and reactive, your mindfulness of is breaking.

I liked your analogy of just inspecting it. Awareness isn't something that can be forced out of neurosis. The paradox of self development. 

@Mu_

3 hours ago, Mu_ said:

What is it your trying to awaken from? 

Suffering and addiction. I'm just trying to generate some positive emotion as well. 

3 hours ago, Mu_ said:

Do you feel like you've seen a lot of the world?  Relationships, work, volunteered helping people with less than yourself, supported yourself.  I do wonder if having little exposure to world before doing spiritual practice is a good thing (it still may be).   Nothing wrong with having some meditation, some yoga practice, some basic inquiry, but nothing to serious.  This is of course unless your heart and intuition are heavily pulling you that way.

hmmmmm good point. Nah I probably haven't seen much. 

 

[Nahm]

@lmfao

It is hard to reach a goal, or make changes with habits, when the goal or the change is held as the primary focus, or, when we believe the point is obtaining happiness in the future for having accomplished the change. “I’d feel better if I finished this, or changed this about myself”, is really the same as straight up saying “I got a reason I can’t be happy and love myself right this moment”. 

Rather than “I’ll feel better, I’ll be more, I’ll be further along once I make these changes”...consider.....this is it, this right here, now. This. This is me, and I ain’t going anywhere. Gonna be me for the duration here.  Gonna be this same now change will happen in. So I’m gonna start making enjoying now the primary focus, the inherent chief life purpose, prior to the life purpose I’ll create for this me, in this now. Changes, LP, that’s just what I’ll do in this now.     In this now, enjoy the experience of changing something, just for enjoyment itself, just to experience. 

I’m sure you got a lot to do, got your whole “potential” to wrestle with, etc, but put how you feel now first. Slow down, enjoy. It makes everything easier. Any “big” life changes - are actually experienced as just one second, one now “at a time”. That’s all.  That “big life picture” the mind creates, you’ll never actually face that, need to deal with that, or even be able to deal with that, even if you wanted to! It’s only gonna be this moment, this now. Such a tiny small “piece” we’re actually tasked with, but the mind tries to weave years of past and future into now. With this mindfulness, of course as the universe would have it, planning as well as making changes becomes clearer and easier.

 

[Mu_]

@lmfao what makes you think you suffer a lot. What makes you think your addicted. Honestly. 

Edited February 6, 2019 by Mu_