GF getting back with her narcissistic Ex

[LaucherJunge]

Hey guys.
I am in an awkward spot in my life at the moment, I am 23 years old and just 4 months ago got together with my girlfriend who is 30. We are both on the spiritual path and the relationship although it was a long distance relationship with us seeing once a month for like 4 days and skyping alot, it was really harmonious and we never really had much trouble with each other, we were about to move together in a few months.. Her problem with me was that I had still some addictions to things like porn, unhealthy food and I guess I got a little lazy about many other small things, simply not working on myself fast enough, I kinda needed a kick in the ass, but it happened really in a sad way, also another problem is my lack of experience in life and my strong attachment to my partner, which I now figured out, as you will read below.
She was going to meet her ex boyfriend who is also 23 to let him go for good, because she still felt something was left between them that had to go, the problem is he is a narcissistic schizo and he mistreated her for some time, she was telling me alot about it, how bad it was with him, how much he manipulated her and so on.
The thing is the next day after the meeting I hear from her saying "it was too strong" he kissed me and from there on it was over.. After just 3 days with him she again saw how crazy he still is and wrote me but now she is trying it again.. I can't bare seeing her making the same mistake over and over.
The thing is I had a really really strong fear of loss which kinda led to self sacrifice and now yesterday I just found out about this and started healing it, it was the most beautiful moments of my life with alot of tears.
Now I have been abstinent for 2 weeks and I am confident that I will move trough with this and also changed the other habits, I am giving 100% now for myself, out of love for myself. She still thinks that I am doing it out of this self sacrifice for her..
I really love her unconditionally and she said she does aswell, but she says she doesen't see the man in me that she want's on her side, because of all those problems she had with me, but I am really working on it out of my free will and I will keep working on it with all I got, with or without her.
What is your advice, do you think I can still get her back? I mean I really doubt that she is gonna stick around with him for all that long, when she already was fed up with him after 3 days.. I really don't know how to handle this situation.

Edited February 3, 2019 by LaucherJunge

[Average Investor]

Sounds like a pretty dysfunctional partner. Why invest all the effort and keep her around if she is still interested in other men? I think it says a lot for someone to break that type of stuff off and want to come back. I'm 23 as well and just left my ex for not treating me with respect and a bundle of other problems. I really don't know all of the dynamics of your relationship, but it sounds like you're blinded by the "love". Four months isn't really that long for a relationship and you likely haven't even seen her full self.  

I recommend watching Leo's video for Red Flags for a partner, How to deal with a break up, and finding the right partner. Maybe some of that will help you contemplate. I really can't tell you if it is worth it or not. But I can tell you that you can work on yourself much faster by yourself and really don't need anyone to push you into change if you want it bad enough. 

[LaucherJunge]

@Average Investor Thank you for the reply, I appreciate your opinion on this matter and I will surely watch those videos.
The thing is, she is not really interested in other man in that way, you know. I really know that she is a trustworthy and good partner.
In my opinion she just hasn't reached the point where she sees that true love is only within and is peaceful, true love is not "too strong" that is just fantasy and being in love rather than love and I really know that she does unconditionally love me as I do her, that is what makes me really want this to work out. She explained her perspective to me and I really understand it, she said she didn't expect her feelings for him to be that strong, when wanting to meet him and I really want to give it time and let her learn that this is not really love. But on the other hand it is really hard for me to give it that time, because I simply don't know how long it will take for her to learn it and even if I can ever really trust her on this.
I know alot of it speaks on just leaving her for good and I know that I actually should, but it is simply my wish to be with her for the rest of my life and it would be really lazy to give up that easily wouldn't it?

Edited February 3, 2019 by LaucherJunge

[bejapuskas]

I see you making the same mistake again also. Cut the unconditional love thing, you don't know unconditional love, the one who is living in an illusion is both of you, not just her.

Edited February 3, 2019 by bejapuskas

[Leo Gura]

@LaucherJunge If a girl is running off to see other guys something is very wrong. She's not really attracted to you. Sounds like you did something to lose her attraction, or you never had it to begin with.

Are you actually having sex with her? Or is this some kind of Platonic relationship?

[Consept]

4 hours ago, LaucherJunge said:

Hey guys.
I am in an awkward spot in my life at the moment, I am 23 years old and just 4 months ago got together with my girlfriend who is 30. We are both on the spiritual path and the relationship although it was a long distance relationship with us seeing once a month for like 4 days and skyping alot, it was really harmonious and we never really had much trouble with each other, we were about to move together in a few months.. Her problem with me was that I had still some addictions to things like porn, unhealthy food and I guess I got a little lazy about many other small things, simply not working on myself fast enough, I kinda needed a kick in the ass, but it happened really in a sad way, also another problem is my lack of experience in life and my strong attachment to my partner, which I now figured out, as you will read below.
She was going to meet her ex boyfriend who is also 23 to let him go for good, because she still felt something was left between them that had to go, the problem is he is a narcissistic schizo and he mistreated her for some time, she was telling me alot about it, how bad it was with him, how much he manipulated her and so on.
The thing is the next day after the meeting I hear from her saying "it was too strong" he kissed me and from there on it was over.. After just 3 days with him she again saw how crazy he still is and wrote me but now she is trying it again.. I can't bare seeing her making the same mistake over and over.
The thing is I had a really really strong fear of loss which kinda led to self sacrifice and now yesterday I just found out about this and started healing it, it was the most beautiful moments of my life with alot of tears.
Now I have been abstinent for 2 weeks and I am confident that I will move trough with this and also changed the other habits, I am giving 100% now for myself, out of love for myself. She still thinks that I am doing it out of this self sacrifice for her..
I really love her unconditionally and she said she does aswell, but she says she doesen't see the man in me that she want's on her side, because of all those problems she had with me, but I am really working on it out of my free will and I will keep working on it with all I got, with or without her.
What is your advice, do you think I can still get her back? I mean I really doubt that she is gonna stick around with him for all that long, when she already was fed up with him after 3 days.. I really don't know how to handle this situation.

Listen, get out while you can! You've only been with her 4 months (4 days a month at that) and you're talking about all this unconditional love stuff. Did you ever think she's just telling you what you want to hear to keep you around? She knows what you believe and she sounds pretty dysfunctional so it would follow that she may, even unconsciously be manipulating you. 

There are some big red flags here, she's 30 and essentially the problem she has with you is that you're not developed enough yet she knows your 23, not only that her last boyfriend was 23, if she wants someone more developed, logically she should go with someone older but she doesn't as she wouldn't have the same control. Also she's saying all this negative stuff about her ex usually is a very bad sign, most likely if you do break up with her she'll tell the next guy how crazy you were. Even though he's crazy she still wanted to get back with him and said she can't control her feelings, lol ok. Well if that's the case what if she meets a new guy and can't control her feelings?

There are a lot of girls out there, it seems like you have a scarcity mindset around this girl, but you really need to let this one go. If you want to test it, tell her you're leaving her explain why and see how she reacts. If she cares about you she'll be understanding and maybe say something like, let's take a break and I'll work on myself. If not she'll probably go crazy or try every manipulation tactic in the book 

[LaucherJunge]

@Leo Gura

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

@LaucherJunge If a girl is running off to see other guys something is very wrong. She's not really attracted to you. Sounds like you did something to lose her attraction, or you never had it to begin with.

Are you actually having sex with her? Or is this some kind of Platonic relationship?

Yes we were having alot of great sex, especially in the beginning, we were trying to really have conscious sex not the mainstream kind you see around I guess. But our connection suffered and we seemed to be losing connection, which I am guessing was mainly due to my porn addiction. I was blowing her mind on a regular basis really and she said that she never had such a deep heart connection, all seemed okay, when she wrote me this text:
"After reading your powerful text, I have really seen who you are and how you love and I think that I can now finally give in to you even more.
I am thankful that you made conscious to me how important it is to fully give in, in a relationship and how much trouble I have with this.
I want you to know that I want to realize everything that you make me conscious of in our relationship, for me, for you, because I love you, because I never want to lose this wonderful open and honest basis, because it is so precious to me."

I hope now you all can see why I am so confused.

@Consept
Thank you for your advice, everyone has his ego in relationships, it is pretty hard not to have it and I know her already well enough, to know that she is not a manipulator and a very conscious being actually.
we actually know each other for 6 Months, we were writing every single day for 2 Months and at that we wrote text which I really needed 1-2 hours for writing, same as her, this wasn't one way communication. Then we got together, in total we spent like 16-18 full days together I think, but of course we were skyping like 2-3 times a week also..
Anyway thank you for opening this perspective for me, maybe there is more to it than I am able to grasp at the moment.
It is already over between us for a week, I was texting her alot, being a little desperate to  be honest and I am not proud of it, but my ego really had trouble with this, but now I simply wrote to her that I don't want any contact to her anymore, until she really lets go of him fully and that even then I am not sure if I would even really want the contact.
 

Edited February 3, 2019 by LaucherJunge

[Tetcher]

Your post is text book blue pill. Long term relationship, "girlfriend" 30y-7y older, she seems to matronize you on your flaws and you probably like it etc.

Basically she has 0 sexual attraction to you because she friend zoned you long ago. You are more an emotional validator for her, you are here to listen to her complaining about the relationship with her boyfriend.

You should check "Reddit the red pill". It's a community that has a lot flaws they are basically identified with their body, they miss a spiritual component so to them sexual agenda is one of the end goal of life (belief that will make you waste your life). That being said it will teach some basics about how sexual energy work in human and present culture.

Leo hates it and may delete this post because he manages his relationships in a different way, a green way while red pill is orange way, but that's only because he delivers on some fundamentals and red pill is good to understand those. That's why they say that green is built on top of orange first you have to conquer orange so in fact it doesn't even make sense for Leo to lock red pill posts, but can you do, we all have our bias.

 

[Toby]

Be happy that you got rid of her so easily.

[tenta]

38 minutes ago, Tetcher said:

Your post is text book blue pill. Long term relationship, "girlfriend" 30y-7y older, she seems to matronize you on your flaws and you probably like it etc.

Basically she has 0 sexual attraction to you because she friend zoned you long ago. You are more an emotional validator for her, you are here to listen to her complaining about the relationship with her boyfriend.

You should check "Reddit the red pill". It's a community that has a lot flaws they are basically identified with their body, they miss a spiritual component so to them sexual agenda is one of the end goal of life (belief that will make you waste your life). That being said it will teach some basics about how sexual energy work in human and present culture.

Leo hates it and may delete this post because he manages his relationships in a different way, a green way while red pill is orange way, but that's only because he delivers on some fundamentals and red pill is good to understand those. That's why they say that green is built on top of orange first you have to conquer orange so in fact it doesn't even make sense for Leo to lock red pill posts, but can you do, we all have our bias.

 

Yes, if she friend zoned you, there's no real coming back. I bet it was a very sexless relationship too but OP got validation from it, so it was harder to let go of it.

 

Either she is attracted to you, or not, there is no "teasing" or "shit testing", those are bluepilled lies, it takes infinitely more faith to believe she is attracted to you while "shit testing" you, than to just believe she isn't attracted to you.

Edited February 3, 2019 by tenta

[tenta]

He has a horrible personality yet "it was too strong"... there is a positive to her leaving you.

Edited February 3, 2019 by tenta

[Consept]

43 minutes ago, Tetcher said:

Your post is text book blue pill. Long term relationship, "girlfriend" 30y-7y older, she seems to matronize you on your flaws and you probably like it etc.

Basically she has 0 sexual attraction to you because she friend zoned you long ago. You are more an emotional validator for her, you are here to listen to her complaining about the relationship with her boyfriend.

You should check "Reddit the red pill". It's a community that has a lot flaws they are basically identified with their body, they miss a spiritual component so to them sexual agenda is one of the end goal of life (belief that will make you waste your life). That being said it will teach some basics about how sexual energy work in human and present culture.

Leo hates it and may delete this post because he manages his relationships in a different way, a green way while red pill is orange way, but that's only because he delivers on some fundamentals and red pill is good to understand those. That's why they say that green is built on top of orange first you have to conquer orange so in fact it doesn't even make sense for Leo to lock red pill posts, but can you do, we all have our bias.

 

Yeah exactly, you need to understand how woman work, red pill, mgtow etc is a good way to do that, however dont get too caught up in it cos a lot of it comes from pain on their part. But a lot of it is quite realistic in terms of female nature.

One main aspect, although im sure youll disagree op, is that women can be quite manipulative (mostly unconsciously) as they, on the whole have a higher emotional intelligence than men, so they can use this to get what they want. As men we can also do the same with what we have. But in general it sounds like she doesnt really have respect for you and even you getting caught up how you have, saying how great she is etc is blue pill 100%. Youve given her so much validation she probably doesnt want to lose that 

Edited February 3, 2019 by Consept

[LaucherJunge]

@Tetcher
I know very well about red pill and blue pill. And it is all ego in my opinion although it has some truths if you wanna be statistical.
But I am not looking for a mainstream relationship and that is what red and blue pill are all about mainstream, what usually is the case.
And I can assure you we weren't mainstream in anything and we both are the opposite actually.
The relationship was all about truth, not about games and I agree she didn't put up to this truth, she wasn't there yet.
@tenta
We had sex everyday we were together, like usually 5-6 times on a weekend and we also liked simply lying inside of each other for longer periods of time, even sleeping inside each other.
@Consept
Yes it is exactly the reason it went downhill and I can understand that, I was slacking off, I was kinda resting on the relationship instead of doing my work, instead of quitting porn, working out more, eating more healthy and all of that stuff. You guys underestimate how much I understand her perspective and she does understand mine, we talk really deeply about all that stuff.

But anyway, I concluded that the only thing I can do is move on and wait what happens. Just put 100% into my life everything I got and attract what I truly want.

Edited February 3, 2019 by LaucherJunge

[Consept]

25 minutes ago, LaucherJunge said:

@Tetcher
I know very well about red pill and blue pill. And it is all ego in my opinion although it has some truths if you wanna be statistical.
But I am not looking for a mainstream relationship and that is what red and blue pill are all about mainstream, what usually is the case.
And I can assure you we weren't mainstream in anything and we both are the opposite actually.
The relationship was all about truth, not about games and I agree she didn't put up to this truth, she wasn't there yet.
@tenta
We had sex everyday we were together, like usually 5-6 times on a weekend and we also liked simply lying inside of each other for longer periods of time, even sleeping inside each other.
@Consept
Yes it is exactly the reason it went downhill and I can understand that, I was slacking off, I was kinda resting on the relationship instead of doing my work, instead of quitting porn, working out more, eating more healthy and all of that stuff. You guys underestimate how much I understand her perspective and she does understand mine, we talk really deeply about all that stuff.

But anyway, I concluded that the only thing I can do is move on and wait what happens. Just put 100% into my life everything I got and attract what I truly want.

Cool bro, do it for you though. Good luck with everything, sincerely mean that 

[bejapuskas]

25 minutes ago, LaucherJunge said:

@Tetcher
I know very well about red pill and blue pill. And it is all ego in my opinion although it has some truths if you wanna be statistical.
But I am not looking for a mainstream relationship and that is what red and blue pill are all about mainstream, what usually is the case.
And I can assure you we weren't mainstream in anything and we both are the opposite actually.
The relationship was all about truth, not about games and I agree she didn't put up to this truth, she wasn't there yet.
@tenta
We had sex everyday we were together, like usually 5-6 times on a weekend and we also liked simply lying inside of each other for longer periods of time, even sleeping inside each other.
@Consept
Yes it is exactly the reason it went downhill and I can understand that, I was slacking off, I was kinda resting on the relationship instead of doing my work, instead of quitting porn, working out more, eating more healthy and all of that stuff. You guys underestimate how much I understand her perspective and she does understand mine, we talk really deeply about all that stuff.

But anyway, I concluded that the only thing I can do is move on and wait what happens. Just put 100% into my life everything I got and attract what I truly want.

You are just dishonest to yourself.

[Average Investor]

@LaucherJunge While I understand not wanting to give up on something, it could be in your best interest to do so. You even said it yourself. You have the answer you're looking for within yourself. You can continue it and try, but I fear it could end badly as you seem to think the same. 

[hundreth]

Guy, I have news for you. She is the narcissist, not her "ex." This is her thing, she bounces from young guy to young guy, creating this illusionary honeymoon phase only to drop them on their head. She already got in your head, making you feel like you've been "slacking." You have all these bad habits, and you simply aren't trying hard enough to win her over right? Essentially, she made you feel as if you aren't good enough for her. 

Before, you were the hero and he was the bad guy. Now she's recycling him, and you are trash. She went to him and told him about how he was the hero, and you are the bad guy. In a few months, she will try to recycle you. 

You don't want this girl back. Believe it or not, she doesn't deserve you. Don't ever let her make you feel like you aren't good enough. Read about NPD / BPD relationships, and you'll see this is all classic behavior. Cut this toxic person off. She is immature, and young guys like you are easy to pull off this bullshit with.

[Emerald]

14 hours ago, LaucherJunge said:

Hey guys.
I am in an awkward spot in my life at the moment, I am 23 years old and just 4 months ago got together with my girlfriend who is 30. We are both on the spiritual path and the relationship although it was a long distance relationship with us seeing once a month for like 4 days and skyping alot, it was really harmonious and we never really had much trouble with each other, we were about to move together in a few months.. Her problem with me was that I had still some addictions to things like porn, unhealthy food and I guess I got a little lazy about many other small things, simply not working on myself fast enough, I kinda needed a kick in the ass, but it happened really in a sad way, also another problem is my lack of experience in life and my strong attachment to my partner, which I now figured out, as you will read below.
She was going to meet her ex boyfriend who is also 23 to let him go for good, because she still felt something was left between them that had to go, the problem is he is a narcissistic schizo and he mistreated her for some time, she was telling me alot about it, how bad it was with him, how much he manipulated her and so on.
The thing is the next day after the meeting I hear from her saying "it was too strong" he kissed me and from there on it was over.. After just 3 days with him she again saw how crazy he still is and wrote me but now she is trying it again.. I can't bare seeing her making the same mistake over and over.
The thing is I had a really really strong fear of loss which kinda led to self sacrifice and now yesterday I just found out about this and started healing it, it was the most beautiful moments of my life with alot of tears.
Now I have been abstinent for 2 weeks and I am confident that I will move trough with this and also changed the other habits, I am giving 100% now for myself, out of love for myself. She still thinks that I am doing it out of this self sacrifice for her..
I really love her unconditionally and she said she does aswell, but she says she doesen't see the man in me that she want's on her side, because of all those problems she had with me, but I am really working on it out of my free will and I will keep working on it with all I got, with or without her.
What is your advice, do you think I can still get her back? I mean I really doubt that she is gonna stick around with him for all that long, when she already was fed up with him after 3 days.. I really don't know how to handle this situation.

This sounds like a very messy kind of situation with her. It seems like she has a hard time setting boundaries for herself.

Also, I don't think relationships with an age disparity are inherently bad, per say. My husband is 12 years older than I am.

But if you find a person who consistently seeks out partners with an age disparity, especially toward people younger than them, it can be a red flag that perhaps they want someone to control. So, it is a bit of a red flag that you and her ex are the same age. 

Plus, she's saying her ex is a narcissistic schizo, and if she frequently speaks badly of him then it can be an indicator of issues with herself where she's giving you only her side of the story. 

So, if I were in your position, I would move on and find someone else. There's too much chaos around this woman, and it's probably a bad sign for a complicated and harrowing future. And since you're already so attached to her and you're less experienced than she is, she may be manipulating you without you realizing it.

My advice is to move on before you get sent on even more of an emotional rollercoaster.

Also, you always want to ask yourself, "What if I had a child with this person? Would it be okay for the kid?" This is a really good litmus test to find out if you're in a healthy relationship or not... even if there are no plans for children.

[bejapuskas]

Now stop waiting for someone who will tell you, that you should get back to her, because that is bullshit. It's just your ego being helpless, trying to survive. Swallow the bitter pill and go contemplate the stuff that has already been said here, don't fall into your own trap.

[LaucherJunge]

@Emerald
She absolutely does, she was abused as a child and the man was showing her porn while doing that.
I thought she wouldn't let the unconscious influence her like that, but I think that was exactly the problem, she thought I was on my way to recovery but I told her that I kept watching porn for the past months and I guess that is the moment it snapped in her.
For a long time in life she couldn't say no to sex and would just get raped by friends who wanted more, she would just freeze. I worked alot towards healing this with her and I think I did a good job at that and I witnessed this with my own eyes once how she freezed when I wanted sex, that was surely not a manipulation trick or anything.
You know, the thing is she never wanted control, it was an issue for her that she had to take charge sometimes when I couldn't because of my inexperience.
It is not only her who says that about him, all of her family and I even heard from some common friends of them both how crazy he is.
And the things she told me really made me speechless. Him basically turning around crying on the floor like a baby because he didn't get sex, or him treatening to hit himself with a book on the head or even killing himself when she leaves him.
We actually talked about having a child alot and I would have been fine with it, although our financial situation wasn't really all that good for this to happen.
 

Edited February 4, 2019 by LaucherJunge