How does one politely turn down a guy respectfully?

[Shir]

Hey Everyone!

First off, a huge THANK YOU to Leo and Actualized.org for the existence of this platform and forum.

For reference, I'm a Lady that's 26 and never dated before and have never been in a relationship. Sure, I have fallen in love and been heartbroken before. Recently, there's been this guy who has expressed GREAT interest in me and we have NOT met yet but he's very eager. I'm of course extremely flattered, grateful and in awe of the situation (important to note that I rarely ever get hit on in real life and online it happens more - hence this case is more so in the latter category). I want to emphasize that I really do not want to come across like I do not appreciate his efforts or his time. In fact, I'm constantly floored by his efforts to complement me and express his love and interest of me. 

I will be completely honest, I do not have any interest in dating at this point of my life. I had been for years, having a desire for finding love and being in a relationship. A year ago or so, I have lost all desires for love and romantic relationships. In fact, I have come to a point in my life where I'm no longer sad that I'm single and have FULLY accepted the fact that I'm single and I'm trying to embrace it humbly (instead of feeling bad about being single for 26 years ect). I'm dealing with major Depression (MDD) and at times also suicidal thoughts. I'm in Therapy (1.5 years). I'm very stressed with school life. I feel like I cannot deal with a relationship nor do I want to. I will also add that I have NOT been actively searching for a relationship and so this situation by itself - is NOT a result of me actively searching for one either. Basically, I did not want this.

Long story short, since this man has expressed a great deal of interest in me...he was very very much pushing to talk to me. I caved in because I felt bad ignoring his messages (we talked here and here but since I was busy and he was too - it wasn't like we were texting live one on one and so texts were spaced out at first). Later on, I began talking to him more and more and he ever since has been...latching onto me and expressing how I'm this perfect woman to him, how everything is perfect between us and that we have lots of similarities and he has even been calling me his future wife... it's A LOT. I'm not going to lie, I feel uncomfortable and creeped out. This man has NEVER SEEN ME YET! Not to mention, has not even seen a pic of me (I was feeling creeped up and didn't sent "yet" - I'm not your wifie...). I feel smothered. I really do. And, although PART of me is extremely flattered that a guy has been calling me his future wife, I think this is a bit creepy still.

He has asked me if I want kids (apparently very important to him)...I answered generally and said yes but only with the right man. And ever since I feel kinda like he wants me to have his kids and be his wifie and it's still a LOT for someone that hasn't even seen me.

I would also like to add that although I respect his man I do not feel 100% like he's the right man for me as well. He deserves better than I.He deserves to have a woman in his life that actually wants to be in a relationship. I cannot be the right girl for him. I don't want to date right now. I told him straight out "I'm NOT happy. I cannot make you happy". Instead of backing off, he keeps insisting he'll make me happy. He's talking like love is 1+1 = 2 type of deal but it's not. The two sides NEED to want to be in a relationship and I seriously cannot do it !

I have been HONEST and said "I do not think I can handle a relationship right now. I'm stressed in Uni, I'm dealing with Depression...I cannot do this right now. I'm having a really hard time". I thought that was honest enough for him to back off. He keeps saying "I'll make you happier! We'll have a great life together!" ect ect...I don't want that! I really don't! 

I've been losing sleep over this, I'm stressed out. I've been crying all night yesterday because I'm dealing with a lot emotionally (depression) and I want to be left alone. I miss being left alone. and I KNOW this seems so silly but I sincerely cannot find it in my heart to be mean to him and block him or even ghost him at this point. I JUST talked about this situation in Therapy and my Therapist was quite firm with me and said I HAVE to establish boundaries with this man and try my best to be polite yet FIRM with him and say I'm not interested in a relationship right now ect. The moment I thought of going for it and mustering up the courage to be more firm with this man (after my Therapy session) - I get a text "You make me so happy, I feel butterflies talking to you" ect and my heart broke because I thought...I cannot possibly do this now. I feel so bad breaking this man's heart. I'm miserable in this situation BUT I'M THE ONE FEELING LIKE THE BAD GUY HERE!

I have no idea why he's not getting the clue to please stop pursing me and stop pursing a relationship with me when I clearly stated that I CAN NOT DO IT...I mean, what else can I say? I realize I might not have been firm enough but gosh...he keeps saying how he wants to fix everything! (I will make you happy, I will be that man for you, I want to be your Husband, I will not make you not feel alone anymore...).

Am I crazy for feeling smothered and creeped out??? 

Please can anyone help shed some light here and help me in thinking how can I communicate that I don't want this?

Any men reading this situation - please tell me what can I say to such a man for him to finally understand that I don't want this...

[Shadowraix]

If I'm honest I like being turned down with no sugar coating. This guy seems insistent due to his feelings for you and he will be hurt no matter how you look at it. He will probably even turn it against you. But the sooner you do it the sooner he can start healing. 

You might have to be very blunt. Say you don't want a relationship with him and if he doesn't respect your boundaries you'll have to end contact. And any excuse he gives will have to be a solid no answer. 

The more you ease up and walk around things letting him come up with reasons to combat your excuse the more he will think he has a chance. 

You can't avoid suffering in this case. And you'll keep suffering the more you keep avoiding it. Do not let him persuade you. Even if he gets mad about it. Even if he insults you. 

[Shir]

@Shadowraix Hey there!  First off, thank you kindly for taking the time to read my post and sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate it; especially it coming from a man's/male perspective.

I think you're very much right...I feel like he'll be hurt either way and I truly never really wanted to hurt him but I see how it may happen now whether I want it or not. Although I appreciate his feelings for me and feel grateful that someone even wants me in that way, I see now how being more blunt would probably be the better route since you said that he might come up with more reasons in order to counteract my points...

I'm just soo used to being the one on the other side that gets hurt and so this is so new to me (doing the "hurting") but at the end of the day, he deserves better and I know it.

Thank you for your help !! 

[Emerald]

@Shir Since you haven't been in relationships, it may not be clear. But this guy's behavior is not normal, and it makes me suspect a manipulative agenda that extends beyond just wanting a relationship. 

Normally, a guy won't fixate in this way until he really knows a woman and really likes her. But if he hasn't even seen your picture, and his reaction is this strong, I seriously suspect that something is fishy with him like foul play and catfishing, or that he's got some issues himself.

So, I agree with your therapist that you need to tell him a solid "no." This may feel strange if you're not hit on regularly, because you're not used to it. But with a persistent guy it's very important to learn how to just say, "No. I'm sorry. I'm not interested." and if necessary, "...and if you keep pushing the issue then I'm just going to block you."

[Toby]

Ask him if he has an uncle who is a rich prince in Nigeria. This probably will solve the situation.

[Shir]

@Emerald Hey there!  First off, thank you kindly for taking the time to read my post and sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate it  

Oh I know exactly what you mean...it's true, I have not been in a relationship but immediately I sensed that something is at LEAST off here. I mean, it's too much too soon and too intense, for sure !! So you're very much correct - this is NOT normal. Your words have strengthened my gut feeling that things are deeper/creepier than they seem - So thank you for pointing that out for me, especially.

The thing is, he's also someone that's not been in a relationship before...he's 31, I forgot to add that opps. I know that's pretty out there - especially for a guy and I was also surprised by that fact (not that I'm disrespecting the fact, just saying). There's something about him that makes me feel like, he's pressuring himself and me to do things too fast - "when can we meet? when can we start OUR LIFE TOGETHER?" and so much more...I cannot even begin to tell you how stressful all this is. Like dude, CHILL!!

Thank you for your advice...I'm going to have to be more firm with him because this is causing me way too much stress and it's not okay. I feel harassed with the "love" and I don't want to feel this way  Love and dating shouldn't be THIS stressful - especially in these "early stages" so I'm going to have to figure this out and soon *sigh* 

Thanks again !

[Shir]

@Toby Lol ! I mean, I don't know if you're just joking or not but I got lost as to how that would help haha...maybe help get him off my back, kinda? scare him off? 

Which btw, so funny as a side note. 

[Emerald]

2 hours ago, Shir said:

@Toby Lol ! I mean, I don't know if you're just joking or not but I got lost as to how that would help haha...maybe help get him off my back, kinda? scare him off? 

Which btw, so funny as a side note. 

There is a common email fraud scheme where a guy claims to be a rich Nigerian prince.

And he says that he wants you to have his fortune in exchange for giving up your personal information, or something of that nature.

[Leo Gura]

"Listen, I'm flattered you like me, but I'm just not interested."

Don't go into justifications. You don't need to justify anything. Just tell him you are not interested. That's enough.

As a side note: you being 26 and never dating is a sign of dysfunction. Don't wait to make yourself perfect before you date. Part of the reason you may be depressed is that you're too closed off from people. Dating will make you grow a lot, so consider doing it. Not necessarily with this guy, but some other guy you like.

[Vito C]

Yea exactly just mention to him once what Leo said and then never return his messseges again or block him.. also it seems as tho he’s the one who needs therapy for falling in love with someone he’s never met.. also you have it easy.. my friend is going thru the same thing except the guy lives 2 minutes from her and he ends up stalking her all because he can’t handle excepting the fact that she is just not interested in him 

[now is forever]

@Shir you need to definitely be very clear about it! it’s not that anyone can read your mood if you don’t make your standpoint clear. why can’t you tell him that you don’t want, when he is so into you it’s not for his sake! you are feeling bad because a part of you is feeling good for getting this compliment. and you feel bad because you know how it feels like when in unrequited love. but you are not doing yourself or him a favour - by not being straight forward even harshly clear about it, you invite him keeping the illusion up and in a sense you are really doing it by not acting the way your gut tells you. you need to shut him out as it appears. (it seems like he has your mobile number, so you then block that number, if he doesn’t react to a second no)

if you are unlucky it might even turn out that he doesn’t believe it - and still goes on - that’s when you need to break off any contact , leaving the online space you met him. don’t get swayed by wishi washi, instead making it as clear as possible. i hope his ego can handle it, can yours?

Edited February 2, 2019 by now is forever

[Salvijus]

@Shir that guy is just a big bag of trouble. He will hold you back. Get away from him. Doesnt matter politlely or impolitelly. Witchever way works for you

 

[bejapuskas]

@Shir  Hi, I have been on the other side of this issue many times myself (even though it wasn't this crazy), so I feel like I can help.

I agree with everyone here, you should tell him a solid no, without justifying yourself. It hit me into the eyes straight away, as I began to read your message, you just keep saying the same thing and explaining yourself - are you maybe hiding something? Don't be affraid to let it out.

Saying things like you deserve one better than me hurts especially badly, but maybe this guy needs just that. If a girl didn't dump me, I wouldn't be here, never experienced a pain like that before - but when you aren't at the rock bottom, you can only go upwards  

[Shir]

@Emerald

On 2/2/2019 at 7:04 AM, Emerald said:

There is a common email fraud scheme where a guy claims to be a rich Nigerian prince.

And he says that he wants you to have his fortune in exchange for giving up your personal information, or something of that nature.

Ohhh I see you lol! Thanks for sharing 

btw - subbed on your youtube channel! You're awesome!

[Shir]

@Leo Gura

On 2/2/2019 at 7:28 AM, Leo Gura said:

"Listen, I'm flattered you like me, but I'm just not interested."

Don't go into justifications. You don't need to justify anything. Just tell him you are not interested. That's enough.

As a side note: you being 26 and never dating is a sign of dysfunction. Don't wait to make yourself perfect before you date. Part of the reason you may be depressed is that you're too closed off from people. Dating will make you grow a lot, so consider doing it. Not necessarily with this guy, but some other guy you like.

OMG LEO!!!!! I'm really honored that you got to read my post and had taken the time to reply and help me with my situation! - THANK YOU SO MUCH. I've been a subbie on your youtube channel for YEARS and just finished your very recent vid "What Is God? - A No Bullshit Explanation For Smart People - Part 1" and I was very moved and highly intrigued. Wonderful work, as always!

You're right, I really do not have to go into justifications as I do...I can attest that that's a flaw of mine at times (over explaining, over justifying things instead of being comfortable with just letting the truth shine through and letting it just BE). You're correct, I don't owe him a thing in that regards. Thank you kindly for offering up a polite response - I'll try using that!

Oh and about your side note - First off, thank you for your perspective and help. Not going to lie, reading that hit me pretty hard haha. I found it very interesting that you knew, without me really ever mentioning it - that I would prefer to be as "perfect" as I can, before I venture out into dating. You were VERY spot on. Sharp. I'll try to remember your advice! You're right, at this point in my life I am pretty closed off to people (by choice) and so I can see that it might have an impact that's greater than I thought. Hopefully I'll be lucky to find a man I like one day. 

Thank you again for all that you do,

you're doing amazing things for mankind <333

Much love. 

[bejapuskas]

7 hours ago, Shir said:

OMG LEO!!!!! I'm really honored that you got to read my post and had taken the time to reply and help me with my situation! - THANK YOU SO MUCH. I've been a subbie on your youtube channel for YEARS and just finished your very recent vid "What Is God? - A No Bullshit Explanation For Smart People - Part 1" and I was very moved and highly intrigued. Wonderful work, as always!

Be careful about that attachment  

[Shadowraix]

13 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

Be careful about that attachment  

+1 to this

I used to be the same way but then I found myself getting into communities of people who were very "high status" by the community they were a part of. Really helped to relax and treat high status people just like people.

[Anton Rogachevski]

On 2/2/2019 at 7:28 AM, Leo Gura said:

being 26 and never dating is a sign of dysfunction.

Isn't that social conditioning?

[outlandish]

Agreed with what Leo said - you want to keep it simple, just say you're flattered but not interested. This is the kindest thing you could do to yourself and the guy. You won't get tangled in complexity, he gets the message clearly and knows he can move on.

[Leo Gura]

6 hours ago, Anton Rogachevski said:

Isn't that social conditioning?

There are certain social standards which are useful guidelines for determining health/dysfunction.