shroom trip report - love, my highest value

[phoenix666]

2g of dried mushrooms 

 

those wacky shrooms sure know how to fuck with my mind times and times again. it usually takes me a bit to finally surrender… this time too: I felt increasingly uneasy, some anxiety coming up. questions kept ghosting around my mind, feeding my restlessness: who am I? what am I doing? why am I doing this? 

I kept asking myself why I have to be such a curious, restless seeker. why can’t I ‚just live‘ like most people seem to do? 

I got the feeling that all my seeking and trying would lead me into a blind end.

 

then the fear of losing my mind kicked in. of ‚losing it‘. losing grip. 

then the fear of death arouse. I’ve already died a couple of times on AL-LAD and shrooms and an infinite amount of times on aya. but apparently there is no limit to that. I realized that since my rebirth-experience on aya, a new ego has been formed around my Self and that this process is never bound to end: surrendering of self is an ongoing process.

it was hard to let go, I had quite some attachments holding me back and that’s ok. I love and I care for people in my life, I don’t want to hide behind walls again. I want to keep opening my heart until I can love the whole world. until I care for every ant, love every grain of sand of reality

 

I merged with an infinite strange loop which seemed to be me and the universe at once. one and the same, all is one. I felt so small in front of the Absolute that I became enormous. I fell through infinite grounds. every realization became the next dream to wake up from. I merged with an infinite loop. suddenly I asked myself ‚oh shit, am I ever coming back?‘ I realized to be trapped into infinity. forever. it took me a while to surrender to it. 

but this is exactly what you wanted.

oh yeah?

oh yeah.

wait, what did I want?

Oh shit, what do I actually want?

 

then I realized my highest value, my truest desire. the one thing I want to have in my life and what I want to spread in the world, what I want to give to others: love

 

infinite love and warmth overcame me. love for everything: my mam, my dad. I started crying. then I felt love for every person I know. for myself

 

then I realized that what keeps me from eternal bliss and god are the limits I set myself. I don’t feel worthy enough. it’s not possbile! I can’t be worth all of this’ I kept thinking. the moment I realized my own lack of self worth and self love… I felt love in every fiber of my body. I kept repeating that I love myself and that I am worth all the bliss, all the love, all divinity. 

 

I realized that all beings are looking for love and attention - consciously or unconsciously. I saw  myself as a child and then as a teen, desperately fighting for my parent’s love, acceptance and appreciation. I remembered doing everything I could at skiing and at school to get some approval and warmth from my dad. I remembered the cold feeling of never being enough, never being good enough. the pressure I felt every time my dad wanted me to be the best. and I am not accusing him, I am not angry at him. I know he only wanted the best for me and my life. it’s ok. I love him and I hope he can love me too, now that I’ve stopped trying to be the best.

I also felt a very deep connection to my mam and a strong desire to talk to her (I later called her and told her how much I love her)

 

I also asked the shrooms to show me how to integrate all of my psychedelic/yoga/meditative highs and experiences into my daily life. I don’t want to separate those from my day to day life. I realized once more that I wish to act and speak from that place of unconditional love and oneness at all times. (not really sure how yet, but time will tell..) <3

 

I also realized that all the suffering in my life comes from being separate from god. or better - from the illusion of being separate from god, because actually…everything is god, including illusion, including separation. my suffering stems from being homesick; some parts of me know that I belong to God or the Absolute and the illusion of being separate from it is very painful. it’s like being cast out of paradise. I need to remember the all is God, all is the paradise. formless and form. this nostalgia, this suffering is both a blessing and a curse. curse because I am a restless seeker, I want more out of life and blessing because it is this suffering that sets me into motion, that makes me walk the pathless path

[Leo Gura]

Very good. Some good truth-nuggets there.

[Nahm]

@phoenix666 Awesome. ♥️