Addiction/Relapse/Ibogaine Therapy

[Pat Pagano]

Okkkkkk so I will begin by saying I have had addiction problems my whole life (diagnosed poly-substance use disorder) , I drank for the first time at age 9 and was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning when I was 12. Anyhow its been a long journey (21 now) and I got back from rehab almost two years ago exactly. Rehab did something substantial for me but it didn't get rid of the underlying issue. My main drug abuses are benzos and for the past year and a half Kratom that i was originally taking for back pain but surprise surprise, i got addicted (although for the most part it has kept me from doing more serious drugs because of the hole that it fills). I had been clean off of benzos for the two years after rehab but I recently relapsed and bought some research chems from this website that basically was a stronger longer lasting xanax (fully legal analog of alprazolam with one fluorine molecule added). I'm almost completely off of them because it was a short period of abuse and I caught myself before it got worse. I have supplements like phenibut and gabapentin to assist (Thank FUCK). I have also started microdosing mushrooms throughout the week which has help immensely (keeps me from wanting to relapse again by keeping my aware of my goals and where I truly want to be) . I have plans to see a therapist this week and explain my predicament. 

 

Here is my question. I expect to be off benzos within the week and my kratom dose is less than 10Gs a day. I have been researching about ibogaine and all the amazing experiences people have had with quitting addictions from using it. I have read reports of people microdosing too get off kratom (opioid) and I plan on getting some from the deep and and i'm in the process of accessing that now and in the coming weeks. 

Once i am successfully off both drugs, can microdoing over a period of time, stop my addictive thoughts and cravings? I know that flood doses are what really eliminate the addict inside you, but can something similar be achieved with microdsoing over a period? I would flood dose if i could but i don't feel equipped for such an ordeal as i am in college and i don't know an ibogaine specialist. I do 100% intend to take a flood dose in my life at some point but do you think this microdosing deal would be able to substantially help until things are in order for a flood dose? 

 

Extremely grateful for any input you might have!!! I cannot let my addiction get in the way of my life purpose and spiritual enlightenment any longer!

[ajasatya]

@Pat Pagano hi. from my experience, addictions are not the root problem. addictions are symptoms of emotional holes and repressions.

if you want to stop your addictions, you have to remake the way you live. this is how i stopped my porn, alcohol, masturbation and weed addictions. changing the way i lived was the hard part. leaving those toxicities behind was pretty easy if compared to changing.

i'm sorry if you're not comfortable to talk about it but i'm going to ask anyways. what are your wounds? how do you relate to your family and friends? what do you think about the opposite sex?

i always recommend the following video on this subject:

we're always seeking happiness, but it doesn't mean that we're seeking on the right places.

[Pat Pagano]

@ajasatya Thank you so much for the reply and the video. I completely agree with the video and what you are saying. I plan to totally revamp the way i live once i get the ibogaine and I hope to get to the root causes through therapy and psychs. I have a very dysfunctional romantic relationship right now and I don't feel right with my friends either. Im basically not very comfortable or happy with most aspects of my life but I do love who I am and i recognize my potential which i think is important for motivating me to change. I relate to my family much better than i used to but there is still some dysfunction with my mom. Every time she makes this noise with her throat or nose i get extremely angry and have to leave the situation. 

Im just in a hole of dysfunction right now and that's what caused the relapse, I couldn't take the emotional pain anymore but just like the video said, it began with pain, and its ending in pain. I also have an addiction to masturbation, weed, and basically any drug i can regularly do without destroying my life. I have a lot of trust issues as well because high school was extremely negative for me and i felt that i was hurt by some people very close to me. I felt betrayed by my friends a few times and when my mom kicked me out i felt betrayed again. My girlfriend broke up with me in the middle of my parents divorce and hook up with a kid right after which made me feel betrayed again. So i jumped back into a relationship right away to escape the pain and that is the person im still with today. We have dated almost 5 years and we cannot have sex because it hurts her to do so (about a year of little to no intimacy). She gets vaginal pain when we attempt to have sex and her therapist thinks its because of unresolved past trauma. We have been talking through this recently which has helped a lot for both of us. I absolutely traumatized her with my addiction habits and lies so i understand completely, although it has caused me to develop an extreme masturbation addiction (up to 5 times a day) which i also feel a lot of shame for because i feel like im doing something wrong and that i shouldn't want to have sex with every girl i see. Im quite skiddish because of being teased and hit by friends and i also got robbed and beaten so i have an extreme fear of being alone with black men i don't know on like a street at night although i have no issue with any race and i love everyone i meet. I still maintain a very low position in my friend group hierarchy and feel like that has always been that way, being the brunt of jokes and whatnot. hahaha sorry trying to think of all my "wounds" right now. I also have a fear of too much attention because of how much negative attention i got in high school for being a very visibly troubled kid. 

 

What i am thankful for from all this is my compassion and empathy for others is absurd, like i really really feel for others and always want to help anyone i can. I always see the best in people and will be there for them no matter what, even random homeless people ahaha. so yeah i guess thats most of my wounds and dysfunctions. I see that my addiction stems from these deeper emotional problems and im hoping ibogaine and therapy can help me uncover the issues and change literally my entire life. Thankfully my friends are into nonduality and so that has always been a good thing in my life and has influenced me in more ways than i know. 

I really appreciate your comments so thank you, your story is inspiring. 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Interesting story. 

I would never do ibogaine by myself. If you can’t go to a professional clinic, I think it’s best to put it off, for safety reasons.

My friend who did it said that low dosages are only effective for people who already did the full dosage (aka “reset”).

One Youtube channel I really like about drug addiction is CgKid. Check him out.

I hope you can get sober.

You’ve gone through so much shit... You deserve to be happy!

[ajasatya]

@Pat Pagano i'm happy that you're not scared of your wounds. some people don't even want to remember them.

why don't you write them down on a piece of paper and organize yourself? deal with one of them at a time.

in a few years, you'll be able to live a crystal clear life.

[Pat Pagano]

@ajasatya WOOOOO! Just ordered 75 grams of iboga root bark and I started therapy and I'm on my way to getting better and facing my wounds head on. Thank you for your response and the video, that made addiction so much clearer to me. 

Much thanks and love my friend.

[pointessa]

Pat, I hope you will share your Iboga experience with us.